Claire

I crave a love so deep the ocean would be jealous.


It's sad, really. Because I know. I know that kind of love doesn't exist anymore. When I look at all the older couples here, like Duke and Manna or Sasha and Jeff… Their love doesn't seem true to me. It's based on hurting one another, as if they were star-crossed lovers who need to feel pain to feel love.

I don't believe that. Just because two people are always hurting one another doesn't mean they are soul mates. That just means they're two people capable of completely breaking one another down and believing that counts as love.

I don't want the love Gotz or Doug have either, pining for eternity for the one they lost. Yeah, it's beautifully tragic. It's deep, sure. But there's no happiness there. It's an eternity spent waiting for death, because that's where they believe they'll meet their other halves again.

And who even knows what happens after death? For all we know, death is the end. Maybe there's no meeting the ones that have gone before you, no final closure for the afterlife. I don't want that.

I sure as hell don't want the love Doctor and Elli have. So formal, so faked. There's no passion there, there's zero depth. I cringe thinking about spending forever with someone who I have to address as 'Doctor' for the rest of my years.

I want a love that makes the bottom of my heart burn, that is bound so strongly in itself that your every action revolves around it.

I don't know. Maybe I've read too many novels or something. Because Goddess knows I've never seen this kind of love for real before. I can only dream it, hoping to someday find what I know doesn't exist.


That's why I drink.

When I drink, I sometimes think I can feel it. When I'm 7 shots into the night and I've stolen Gray's hat and he looks at me with those piercingly crystal blue eyes, I can imagine that this love I've only ever read about is real.

Or when Cliff piggybacks me home, and he so affectionately tells me stories about the places he's been to before, despite having to lug me back to my farmhouse, I feel like I could blurt out that I love him.

I have to drink, because it lets me believe that love does exist. I need this assurance every night, this assurance that this love could exist. Even more importantly, I need to know that it could exist for me.


But cue the next morning, and that feeling's gone.

That's why I did what I did to Kai. When he told me he loved me… I could have said it back to him, right there and then. I wanted to say it, believe me. But I knew that in the morning when I woke, I'd no longer feel the same. That's why I ran. That's why I never speak to him anymore. I couldn't risk letting him believe I loved him too, only to reveal that it was all said in a drunken stupor.

I'm sorry, Kai. You don't deserve this pain.


I decided long ago that I would never settle for anything less than this love. I saw my parents every day, going through with the pointless motions of everyday life side by side. There was no love. I swore to myself I would never fall into the trap of this menial lifestyle, married to someone you had to convince yourself you loved. I was going to wait for the one who made my heart just know that I loved him


"Gray," I drunkenly slurred, heart leaping out of my chest, "what do you think love is?"

"Obsession."

"Obsession?"

"Yeah, like… Like you see her and you feel like nothing else could ever matter because she's your whole world. It comes easy. It's complete passion. You can't live without her. One look at her and you know that you and her are endgame."

Those sapphire blue eyes were staring straight into my soul. My heart pounded in my chest.

I kissed him. I kissed him, and for that split second I let myself believe that this could be the love I had been holding out for all my life.

But the minute we broke apart, my eyes widened in realization of what I'd done.

I got up, rearing to run away as fast as my legs would take me. Just like I'd done to Kai.

Gray caught my wrist.

Those eyes. Those beautiful eyes. I was caught in between my instinct to run and my desire to shout that I loved him.

"Claire… I…"

"Don't say it."

"I love…"

"Please, Gray. Don't say it."

His lips fell on mine. I love you. I love you. I love you. The thought ran through my mind. I savoured the kiss. It would be our last.

Our lips broke apart, our foreheads stayed together. "Gray… Tomorrow, this never happened, okay?"

I love you. I love you. I love you. I wanted to say it so badly. I wanted to believe it so badly. Oh Goddess, I would have given up this stupid deep love I craved, I would have given up everything and asked Gray to be with me forever. To hell with that stupid love! I would settle for any other love Gray had to offer me, I'd waited so long. So what if it wasn't what I'd always wanted? It would be good enough...

Right?

"I love you, Claire."

I ran.


Gray. I ran from you that night, because I was afraid. All my life, I'd waited for the sort of love people wrote stories about. I'd waited for the sort of love that I'd never have to doubt, because it would be certain.

And with you, with Cliff, with Kai, with anybody, I was never certain. That's why I ran that night. Please forgive me, Gray. Maybe I loved you that night, and that's why it wasn't enough. Maybe wasn't enough.


I never found it. The love I held out for all my life. I never found it.

I crave a love so deep the ocean would be jealous.


Disclaimer: I did not create the phrase "I crave a love so deep the ocean would be jealous".

Author's Note: That was the end of this story! This last chapter was kind of rushed, but I wanted to give readers Claire's side of the story. I was considering doing Gray's side, but I decided it might get a bit draggy so I'm leaving it here. This is my first time doing a story that isn't a one-shot so I hope you enjoyed, and that you'll leave me a review!