Private Conversations_

2. "That's Poor Parenting" (says the Negligent Godfather)


I was having trouble coming up with something interesting to write about. Let it be known that I do consider criticism; the word "dude" is not used ONCE in this story (that is the most random comment ever, but I'm proud that I even got a comment, so I will now shut up). Thank you for the faves and subs (but I still need MORE of them)!


This story takes place about two months before Naruto's birth.

It is mid-August, a hot and humid time in Konoha. Most civilians are calling it a day- it's only about two o'clock, but the temperature is unbearable enough that heat exhaustion poses a real threat. Shinobi, on the other hand, who have trained and conditioned their bodies for any hellish environment, proceed with their daily missions, be they mundane or top secret-murder coups.

Academy students run happily through the cluttered side streets, ecstatic to leave their school-shaped prison. They haphazardly join the homebound rush (making it ten times more chaotic than it has to be). Old men with fishing gear gather under a seasoned oak tree, delaying their obligatory return home to crazy wives. At least they caught some dinner; perhaps they wouldn't sleep on the couch tonight after all. Gate-Watchers lay at their posts, completely inattentive- asleep with spit dripping from their mouths. The people of Konoha should feel very safe.

Minato Namikaze views all of this with amused interest, as he peers through the wide window of the Hokage Tower. He is free, having just completed a droning and largely pointless pile of paperwork. Tired, yet eternally optimistic, Minato steps out, facing the harsh, final rays of the dying summer sun.

As he exits the tower, Minato is greeted by his former sensei, The Legendary Toad Sage, Jiraiya. With a smile and a nod, Jiraiya approaches his esteemed pupil. Minato returns the smile and ponders aloud, "Sensei, have you been waiting here all day?" Jiraiya simply shrugs his broad shoulders, a gesture of indifference toward his own day-long discomfort. "I didn't want to distract you from your obligations, Hokage". At the uncharacteristic formality (he couldn't tell if it was sincere or mocking), Minato laughs and replies, "Yes, well- I'm very important".

At this, Jiraiya cringes and stresses, "don't talk like that, Minato". The student is caught off guard, now recognizing the sincerity in his sensei's eyes. "Jiraiya-Sensei, I was just being facetious. I..."

The two had been walking. Suddenly Jiraiya cuts Minato's explanation off, stepping out in front of him, declaring, "I wonder if you truly were, Minato. Are you beginning to believe that you are immortal? Lest you forget that you too can and very well may be crushed by someone more powerful than you."

Minato loses his breath; Sensei was never this serious. Was Jiraiya-Sensei… pissed right now? Perhaps even… scared? Very few things set the Hokage into panic mode, but this was one of them. As typical for a strong and revered person, Minato's fear manifests itself through a façade of anger. "I know damn well that I'm a human, Jiraiya. What the hell's gotten into you?" Jiraiya reads his student's shielding response and takes a deep breath. Exasperated, though trying to remain outwardly calm, he explains, "Kid, we need to talk". Unquestioningly, the student obliges. "Okay, let's go somewhere private". The pair look each other in the eyes and nod. With that, they body flicker to a secluded hilltop, shaded by a massive cedar tree. This spot had been a personal favorite of Minato's as a kid. It was always a serene place; far away from the stress of human existence, yet shielded by the comfort and protection of the strong limbs of the tree.

At their sanctuary of sorts, Minato leans up against the giant tree. Its shade brings him relief from the steadily beating sun. On the other hand, Jiraiya's inner turmoil is too chaotic to relieve. The transient shadows of tree limbs can do nothing to release him from his distress. He stands square in the path of the harsh solar rays, eying his renowned student earnestly. For a moment, neither shinobi discerns what to say. Despite knowing each other on a very personal level, respective inquiries and responses to said inquiries can't quite be fathomed.

Finally, Jiraiya steps nearer to the cedar. He lowers his large body to the ground, so that it's almost level with that of his crouching student. Minato's intense blue eyes meet with his gaze. They seem to exclaim, you're scaring the shit outta me, Sensei! Jiraiya sighs; this horrible conversation has to be had. If things do end up the way he fears they may, he will never forgive himself for simply letting it happen. Truthfully, there is really nothing much he can do, other than warn his student of his fears; perhaps prompt him to take some much needed precaution. After all, they'd already discussed what Jiraiya would do if he ever knocked a girl up, and Minato refused to do that

"Minato-", Jiraiya strains to maintain a gentle voice, "did the possible repercussions of impregnating a Jinchūriki ever cross your mind?"

The Hokage exhales; now cognizant of the cause of his sensei's alarm. Jiraiya picks up on his student's sudden relief, and continues with added severity. "Do you understand how much danger you are putting yourself, your wife, your child, the whole damned VILLAGE in? As our celebrated leader, one would hope such dangers might have crossed your mind at some point".

"Sensei- precautions will be taken," Minato assures gently, respectful to his teacher's frantic state of mind. "Please trust me; I know what I'm in for. If the fox is released during Kushina's labor, its power of destruction would be huge. Because of this, Lord Third and I have arranged for the birthing to occur in a remote area, deep in the forest. We will be accompanied by ANBU Black Ops, as well as Lady Biwako and her capable assistants. If anything happens, which we're not even positive anything will, we will be fully prepared to take action. I have the village's well-being first in mind, Sensei. Believe it".

Jiraiya smiles at Minato's unconscious use of Kushina's childish phrase. However, he hasn't forgotten his initial anxiety. "Are you confident that this is enough?" Surprised that his Sensei does not trust his instincts, he inquires, "What is it that you fear, Jiraiya?" Jiraiya observes a small wave of alarm glaze over his student's face. Good, he's finally listening. The teacher explains, "I realize that it isn't exactly common knowledge that a host is most defenseless during child birth, but others are aware of it. If a person were to attack when Kushina is most vulnerable, the outcome could be catastrophic". Minato nods, acknowledging the validity of the sage's words. He replies gravely, "This is a risk we take. I know it's not favorable, but what else can we do?" Jiraiya's eyebrows raise with a response, however before Jiraiya can recall his sentiment from their previous conversation, Minato adds, "She's keeping the baby, Sensei. Don't even say it". At that, Jiraiya rolls his eyes; momentarily silenced.

Moment passed, Jiraiya speaks again, "this whole thing is so ungodly needless! Surely you're aware of just how many orphans there are here! Right here! You and Kushina have your pick between literally dozens of children, all of whom NEED families. Just look at Kakashi! And think about it, for just TWO SECONDS, kid! What if something bad does happen? How would that affect him, to lose another father? You won't be helping your village any, adding strain to its already overwhelmed orphan pool".

At the mention of his beloved student/adopted son's potential despair, Minato cringes. His voice becomes strangely forceful, "I'm NOT going to die! I will live not only for Kakashi, but for his unborn brother. As for the many orphans of Konoha, I vow to provide for them as best as I can. I realize it is selfish, but Kushina and I desire our own child. I'm human! I want a kid that looks like me and has my last name. A kid with abilities similar to mine; who I can pass down my exclusive techniques to!" Minato takes a deep breath, recuperating from his slight verbal tangent.

At their apparent stalemate, the ninjas sit in another brief silence. The elder of the two, Jiraiya, muses (somewhat philosophically), "As Lord Second once said, 'in order to truly love another person, you must want to brutally murder them, at one point or another" The teacher locks eyes with his student. Minato blushes and replies, "I know, Sensei. I love you too". Jiraiya is uncomfortable with their affectionate conversation and unsure of how else to break it; he punches Minato in the gut. At this deviation from their tension, Minato laughs, clawing for his attacker, but missing, "Lord Second said that about Lady Sagi? I can't imagine her being anything but sweet!" Pinning Minato down, Jiraiya rolls his eyes, "She was a woman, wasn't she? You KNOW how insane they can be. After all, you have a pregnant one at home, probably waiting to kill you, as we speak". Minato shrugs and replies, "Ah, yes, love can be quite painful".

The sun is still high in the late summer sky. The heat creates a haze above the far horizon. Minato strains to look beyond it, to the village, where his expecting wife is definitely waiting for him, likely torturing Kakashi in her husband's place. Poor kid, Minato has to get home.

Fond of his Sensei's presence, despite their disagreement, Minato asks, "Would you like to come over for dinner? It's about that time now." In the past, it had always been Jiraiya's immediate reaction to deny his invitations, however it had always been Minato's inclination to insist on them. Knowing this probable outcome, and secretly wanting to feel Kushina's tummy, Jiraiya accepts without hassle.


Upon arrival at the Namikaze residence, Minato and Jiraiya soon regret leaving their cedar sanctuary. Minato opens the door to find Kushina hovering over Kakashi, a cast-iron skillet in one hand, a pornographic novel in the other. Blind with rage and screaming so incessantly that she does not even realize her husband has entered the room; she rips Kakashi a new asshole (figuratively). "YOU LITTLE PERVERT! IF I EVER FIND ANOTHER ONE OF THESE GOD FORSAKEN SMUT NOVELS IN YOUR HANDS AGAIN, I WILL SEE TO IT THAT YOUR TESTICLES ARE PUBLICLY REMOVED IN THE MOST PAINFUL AND UNSIGHTLY WAY POSSIBLE! YOU—"

Jiraiya looks on this interaction with amusement until (with utter horror) he recognizes this 'smut novel' to be one of his own.

Obviously unaware of his own probable demise via skillet-to-the-skull, Minato steps in. With a smile, he coos, "Good afternoon, family". This simple statement causes Kushina's previous rage to resemble tranquility. With all of her muscle power, she whips the heavy kitchen tool at her husband, knocking him into the splintered door frame with a grunt. Fire actually manifests itself in her dilated pupils. She bellows, "WHERE. THE. FUCK. WERE. YOU? I CALLED THE TOWER TWELVE TIMES BECAUSE I NEEDED SOME SOBA FROM THE MARKET! NOW WE CAN'T EAT ANYTHING BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING TASTY IN THE HOUSE BECAUSE YOU DUMBASSES ATE EVERYTHING WORTH EATING AND—" Kushina is suddenly moved to despair-filled tears, "Minato! I missed you SOO much and I didn't know where you were and our son reads porn written by your Sensei and I'm really hungry and I want to go… to… bed…" Kushina spills into Minato's open arms. A synthetic expression of cheerfulness painted onto his pained/scared face, Minato, the completely whipped husband, whispers, "I should have called. Keep Jiraiya's company while I go to the market. I'll go right away". Minato looks over to see Kakashi's terrified face. The poor kid has just been subjected to the most cruel and unusual punishment of any pervert ever. "Kakashi will come with me. We'll discuss what happened. Don't worry, baby- I'll handle it, okay?" With his picture perfect smile, Minato presses his face into his wife's wild, red hair. Kushina, now somewhat calm, nods an approval, "Okay Mi-Mi, Jiraiya and I need to have a little talk anyway". With that, Kushina's gaze falls to the reprehensible book on her lap. A flicker of her inner demon returns to her livid eyes.

I'm going to kill both of those kids later, Jiraiya thought solemnly, awaiting Kushina's cruel wrath.


Once outside, the two shinobi exhale deeply. When out of earshot, "Sooo, Jiraiya's sexy books, eh Kakashi?" Minato winks at his weary student. Kakashi says nothing and instead ops to stare at the cracks in the dry ground of the city street. He isn't as slick as he thinks and Minato sees his rosy cheeks, flaring with embarrassment. The Sensei eases up on his tortured pupil, "It's alright, Kaki, most boys get caught in such a way at least once in their life-". With that, Minato slugs Kakashi on the shoulder in a loving way. Quietly, the student replies, "I'm positive you were never caught doing something perverted, Sensei". His Sensei nods, "Well, no— but my teacher was Jiraiya. That man peeps on girls every waking moment! He taught me a thing or two about stealth". Minato shoots a sly little smile in Kakashi's direction.

Kakashi knows his Sensei's words to be complete and utter bullshit, but says nothing. He's aware that Sensei's fibs are intended to lighten the situation, and decides to play along, "All Jiraiya has caused me is trouble. Kushina will never see me as a respectable Jounin, ever again!" Minato frowns sympathetically, "Kakashi, Kushina loves you with all her huge, terrifying heart. That is why she frets over you. Nine out of ten Konoha shinobi are hopelessly addicted to porn, and she doesn't go power tripping on them about it. You're family— you are different".

With his sentimental statement, Minato's mind is brought back to Sensei's portrayal. He looks at his student and sees the real joy in his eyes at his role model's spoken acknowledgment as a part of the Namikaze family. The Hokage's chest fills with a sharp pain. Such tragedy, as Jiraiya was alluding to at the cedar tree, would certainly break this still healing boy. Minato wraps his arm around Kakashi. I love you, his heart screams from deep within— however he says nothing.

The pair proceeds to the market and sequesters their bounty. Minato's pain does not recede during the walk home; morbid thoughts and senseless killing continue to plague his weary mind. Returning home, Kakashi and Minato find Kushina in tears, Jiraiya sitting next to her, nestling a consoling arm on her shoulder. The wilted 'Habanero' emits a muffled cry, "How could you allude to something so horrible? This is your godson in my womb!" a sob escapes her lips as her teeth interlocked in a fearsome snarl, "you think I should kill him? How DARE you, Jiraiya! You have no place! You have no place…" Kushina flings Jiraiya's suddenly despicable arm from her shoulder. He reasons, "Kushina, I care for Naruto, you know I do. However, I also care for you and Minato and—" "WE KNOW WHAT WE'RE UP AGAINST," Kushina interrupts.

Minato's eyes, which fell automatically on his enraged wife upon their home arrival, shift to Kakashi. The kid's revealed eye screams panic. His voice is small and fearful, "Sensei— what is Jiraiya-Sensei talking about?" Minato sighs, but he shares the truth with his son. "Kakashi, there's a chance that someone will try to attack Kushina and I during her childbirth. The reason for this is that her Jinchūriki seal, which contains the demon within her, will become weaker during labor. If it isn't contained properly by medical specialists, it could release from her body, killing Kushina and attacking Konoha. Very few people know about this; but it is possible that some powerful rogue ninja know. If they do, they might try to attack us and the village". The visible part of Kakashi's face glazes over in disbelief of his teacher's words.

Licking the roof of his dry mouth in an effort to maintain his composure, the child speaks. He asks, "Did you know about this before she got pregnant?" Minato sighs, "yes, but we desired to bear a child despite the risks". Agony abundant, Kakashi retorts, "Did you think that I might have liked to know about this" His eye shows a faint sign of impending tears, "I guess I was stupid to think I was part of the family—" Minato cuts him off, "It's not like that! You KNOW that. We love you very much, and we didn't want to upset you over hypothetical situations," his voice trails off, unsure exactly what to say. It didn't make a lot of sense, when he thought about it, they should have just told him from the start. Kakashi shakes his head, "whatever, keep me ignorant if you think that I can't handle the truth, see if I care." The young ninja withdraws to his bedroom, hurt and confused; his preteen angst is in full swing.

After Minato processes the situation in his mind, he sits next to his grieving wife on their cheap, blue sofa. "Jiraiya is only saying these horrible things because he cares," the husband assures. Fresh tears continue down Kushina's soaked cheeks. She admits, "he was telling the truth, that's why I'm crying, Minato! We… the truth is that we might die in this excursion, and for what purpose? Because we wanted a blood heir?" The three adult ninja sit on the sofa, unsure of what more there is to say.

"If I aborted this baby, I would mourn it every day for the rest of my life! I refuse to succumb to such constant sadness. I realize this decision puts the entire village at risk, and I do not care. How awful is that? Damnit," Kushina sobs.

Jiraiya speaks solemnly, "I will be there, overseeing the process. I will make sure no ninja interfere—" Jiraiya pauses, intending to say more, but Minato beats him to it, "No, the village cannot be ignored. I need you to stay in town, defend against any rogues who might pop up". Kushina nods, "Minato's right. He'd be quite a negligent Hokage if he left Konoha unprotected".

Jiraiya disagrees, "There are plenty of ANBU who can protect the village, I'm going with you guys". His demand is refused, "You're the best of the best, you are to stay in town and protect the people," Minato orders firmly. Outranked, Jiraiya agrees, "As you wish, Hokage".

Kushina glances over her shoulder at the small hallway on the other side of the room. She criticizes, "You didn't have to tell Kakashi about the seal, Minato. All it will do is get him worked up". Her husband explains, "No, he has a right to know". Minato's eyes reach Jiraiya— the man whose words had affected him so deeply earlier. "If something were to happen to us, Kakashi would be devastated. We're all he has. If we don't even respect him enough to tell him the truth, we're pretty shitty parents". An exasperated frown reappears on Kushina's face, "we're already shitty parents, putting our entire village at such risk, just to have a child, when we already have a child. What were we thinking?" Kushina curls up, digging her head into her knees (Probably not the healthiest position for a pregnant woman).

Digging his forehead into his open palm, Minato responds, "This hasn't really been our most fool proof plan… I'll give you that". Jiraiya consoles, "There's no use fretting over what should have been done or what could happen. We all just need to deal with the situation".

The mother speaks, "In the back of my mind, I've known how dangerous this is. I just… kept ignoring that. I really wanted this, wanted Naruto, so badly that I ignored all signs of danger". The father agrees, "I did the same thing, baby, and it's going to be fine. Great things rarely come without risks," Minato comforts.

Now well aware that his wake up call was received, Jiraiya digresses, "No worries, kiddos, everyone makes rash decisions, even Hokages and Hokagesses! But really, there's nothing to fear (cue ridiculous pose); the Great Lord JI-RAI-YA is here!"

Both Namikaze's see what Jiraiya is trying to do, and give him a weak smile. The trio sits silently for a while, collecting their thoughts. Quietly, an adjective that rarely describes the Red Hot Kunoichi, Kushina addresses the Sage, "Jiraiya, you've agreed to be Naruto's godfather. Usually, that is just a decorative title, with no actual expectations behind it, but in this case…," Jiraiya knows what she's about to say, so does Minato, but females never leave anything unspoken. "If Minato and I are unable to raise Naruto, will you do it?" Kushina's eyes plead, but Jiraiya refuses. "I won't make such a promise because I know I could never keep it". Kushina's shoulders sink at this denial, and Jiraiya explains, "There is a reason I've never had a kid. I'd be a terrible parent. I'm selfish, stubborn, poorly behaved, and my house is a mess. Naruto would be better off a ward of the Hidden Leaf".

"That isn't true! Naruto would be better off with a person who loves him," Kushina exclaims. "How can I love him? I don't even know him, and all he's caused me so far is distress," Jiraiya remarks, before he can stop himself. The couple are taken aback, and reasonably so. "I didn't mean for it to come out that way. I do have feelings for your son, it's just… the future would be much more certain without him in the picture, and both of you know that".

Both ninja do not deny this. Minato reasons, "so is the case with all new parents. Still, this is a life choice that we've made. Obviously, we cannot turn back, but we wouldn't want to anyway. Sure, we have our fears, but having a baby is going to be a great thing". Kushina, pregnant and volatile as hell, once again begins to sob. "And now Kakashi doesn't trust us…" The husband once again consoles his crazy wife, "Kaki's just upset, and he has a right to be. We weren't truthful with him. We will make it up to him," Minato feels regret, something he never feels. These emotions make him feel weak, and he shakes them off. A fresh confidence washes over him, "Things will be fine. I'll be there, Kushina. Whoever shows up, I'll kick their ass. My teacher—there's no denying his power and reputation, but I… I am the Yellow Flash, Hokage of the Hidden Leaf!" Minato strikes a sexy pose. While his Sensei's boasts did little convincing, Minato's is practically a promise. The ninja in the living room all laugh and exalt their fearless leader's prowess. Kushina sits up, "The Yellow Flash is on our side! He'll save us from the depths of peril!" Jiraiya pumps his fist in the air, "Minato! He's our guy. When he's your opponent, you better run like hell!"

Despite not ever actually eating the soba that Minato picked up for dinner, Jiraiya excuses himself, unattended business, he tells the couple. He says goodbye to Minato and Kushina and tries to open Kakashi's door, finding it locked shut. He hollers, "It ain't that bad, kid! Quit pouting; life goes on". With that, he steps out into the dusk lit street.

The day is almost over, and he's accomplished nothing. Walking back to his apartment, he stares at his feet as he steps. The realization is clear; his student is in great danger, and there is literally nothing he can do to help. Jiraiya has always prided himself in his almost ethereal sense of intuition, and this much is painfully clear—his student will not be coming out of this mess unscathed. As much as he hates to admit it, he has to just sit back and watch while the horrific chain of upcoming events unfolds.


After Jiraiya leaves, Minato and Kushina approach their drama king of a son's bedroom. Kushina offers Minato a bemused glance that seems to state, 'prepare for a pubescent hell storm'.Minato nods, knowing that is exactly what they are in for. "Kakashi, open your door; we need to talk," the ninja says calmly. Kakashi might be a pissy teenager, but he is far from disrespectful. He does as he is told and sits back down on his bed.

Kushina doesn't care too much about how unstable the situation is, and cuts right to the point, "what exactly is it that pisses you off so much?" Kakashi's eye suggests murderous intent. He inquires, "Why didn't you tell me until now that Kushina could die?" Kushina clearly wants her head bitten off, either that or she's just stupid fearless (people who know her son, Naruto, would probably beg the latter), "Anybody could die from giving birth! It's just more likely for me, because of the nine tails". Kushina smiles brightly, as if that explanation makes everything all better. Kakashi is none too satisfied with her response, "right, so why wasn't I aware of this until now?" Minato clears his throat, "we didn't want to upset you, however I had a discussion with Jiraiya today that caused me to see things differently. I'm confident that everything is going to be alright, really—I am. But if by some turn of events, things do not turn out right, well… we really can't leave you completely unprepared. It isn't fair to you. So, while knowing about the Jinchūriki situation will probably only cause you much unnecessary stress, out of respect for you, we still need to make you aware".

Kakashi is so angry that he can't speak. Kushina recognizes that she is only making the kid more pissed off, and offers, "Maybe I should let you two talk this out. It's my night to cook, anyway". Minato protests, "No way, we bought those noodles at the market, already prepared! This doesn't count as your night!" Kushina flashes an all-too-cheerful smile and exits Kakashi's bedroom.

Minato joins his son on his hard, twin sized mattress. It creaks under his adult body. The elder looks to the youth with sincere sympathy; he knows that he's done wrong. "Kakashi, you're right. Kushina and I should have told you months ago. We messed up, and both fully intend to make it up to you". Kakashi can tell that his dad means his words, which is kind of irritating, because he really wants to be mad right now.

Alas, the loving glow of Minato's flawless face is too much, and the kid gives in. He mumbles, "It's okay. Don't worry about it". With a laugh, Minato explains, "Oh no, no! I don't get off that easily! Come on! Let's go play ninja in the training field, after dinner!" Kakashi looks at his dad like he's nuts, "but… we are ninja…" Minato explains, "well yeah, but playing ninja is still fun! Plus, you can take revenge on me for being such a lousy daddy". Kakashi blushes, "I NEVER SAID THAT!" Oops, that was way more emotional than Kakashi felt comfortable being. "Um, I mean… you're not lousy… let's play ninja tonight".

The two smile and share a bonding moment. The moment only lasts a literal moment though, because Kushina starts screaming about dinner getting cold.

Kushina is a scary woman, the two run to the kitchen to avoid dismemberment and/or a minor concussion.


(NOTE: yeah, I realize that Kakashi would be described as anything but dramatic nowadays, but most teenagers are so freaking dramatic, that I'm taking a little liberty as the author here)

:-D Thank you for reading; I hope that you'll subscribe. I cannot say for sure, but I will earnestly try to crank another one of these out before Fall Semester begins!