Back to December

I was standing there talking to him, on the front porch talking about his family. We spilt in December, it was New Year's Eve and we were supposed to go to Nina and Fabian's party but we didn't want to go because of the pain. When Joy told me he wasn't going, I learned that I was just pushing him back from all of the things in life. So now here I am try to make good conversation. He told me that he had to stay with his dad this year.

He told me he's been busy, he's be acting a lot more good since I left, but I saw the puffy red eyes when he came out. He makes small talk like his winter job he got at the downtown Café and he even trys the nice weather thing. His guard is up, I know why.

The last time he saw me is a painful memory for him and me, it's always on my mind burning like wildfire. He knew this was the biggest fight ever; he gave me roses one day, at least a dozen. And I did something that makes me want to murder myself: I let the roses die on the ground. I know some people would say it's no big deal, but it's never going to go away, the memory of me and him.

I swallowed and looked at him; he was playing with his fingers. I brush the curls that were in my face.

"I'm sorry, for everything that happened." I said starting to fiddle with my own fingers.

I kept on thinking about what I wanted to say. He stayed silent. My mind collected up memories from the painful time without him how much I loved him, and how much I needed him.

"I stayed up late, not sleeping, thinking about you." I said. I've also kept replaying the moment I broke up with him, and when his birthday passed and everybody went to celebrate. I stayed in my house holding the present I bought him. And then I think about the summer time. We sat in the car laughing about stupid things, and swimming together, going to parties. I realized that I loved him with all my heart in the fall.

When winter came, I worried he would leave me, I would leave him. Vera would come back for revenge and try to kill him and Nina. I thought it would be my entire fault; everyone would blame me if he died. Fear took over me, while he cradled me and kissed my forehead, hand and lips. And then I said goodbye to him.

"Eddie, I know how painful that night is to you. But did you ever think about how much it hurt to me? And now I'm trying to talk to you, swallowing my pride, crying!" I yelled. The tears started streaming my face.

I ran from the porch to the middle of the empty street. The cold winter air beated against my face and the snow fell into the curls of my hair. I looked at my options, die in the forest or live a painful life back at my house.

I heard the snow crunching behind me. Eddie spun me around holding me close. And I just cried, he tried calming me down.

"Eddie, I miss your tanned skin, your sweet and sickening smirk, and you treated me so right, and how you held me that night in September when my mom was admitted to the hospital, that was the night you saw me cry, for the first time! I don't know if this is mindless dreaming, wishful thinking! But I swear on my uncles grave that if we loved again I would love with all my heart, I would go back into time to change it but I can't change that night! So if this is just a worthless speech and the next time I come here and there's a chain on your door, I would understand…" I trailed off.

"Eddie, this is me swallowing my pride, trying to say I love you more than anything, and saying I hated that night and I'm sorry for everything I said! It turns out my freedom was nothing but pain I missed you more than anything, I would go back in December, to turn it all around and realize you're my everything, I would go back to December, all the time!" I yelled letting the tears stream down my face.

Then he kissed me right then and there. His lips were still as soft as they were before. I was wondering if that was just to humor me or he really meant that. He pulled away looking at me.

"I would go back to December all the time, too." He said. He pulled me into hug. I crashed my lips back onto his. Ignoring the snow and cold wind and just focusing on the moment right then and there.