Title: How We Came to Be
By: Xmarksthespot
Disclaimer: I don't own YJ or How I Met Your Mother
Notes: I added drama to the genre category because if this is about the YJ cast growing up and becoming adults, there will be drama. Hopefully not too much.


Italics — Future!Dick

Normal Font — Past!Dick


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Kids, in the fall of 2010, your Grandpa Bruce introduced me to Selina Kyle, his girlfriend at the time, also known as Catwoman. Of all of Bruce's past girlfriends, she was probably the one I had the hardest time adjusting to.

You see, every time I wanted to hang out with Bruce, she would be there. Every time I wanted to eat my dinner in peace, she would be there. Every time I brushed my teeth in the morning…Well, you get the point. And with a history like hers, I had to be on the lookout for anything that went missing from the manor, which as you know, was a pretty hard job considering how big the place is.

It was not aster at all.

Anyway, she and I got off to a pretty rough start, or so I like to believe.

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I stand dumbfounded while staring at the couple.

Bruce has never introduced me to any of his girlfriends before. Ever. I mean, there was that one time when we barged into Ra's al Ghul's lair and I caught him and Talia making out in the middle of a warzone, but that was different. That thing isn't in our dining room. And technically, that was Batman's personal life. This is Bruce's which cross references with my life pretty easily.

And it's Catwoman.

Seriously Bruce, of all the women you pine after, do they all have to have a base filled with ninja assassins or be one of the biggest criminal records in all of Gotham? What ever happened to your lovesick stage with Diana?

"Well, well," Selina starts and I grimace at the sound of her voice. Oh yeah, someone sounding like that would be able to capture Bruce Wayne by the tie. "It's nice to officially meet you, little birdie."

Bruce clears his throat at her nickname, and I frown along with him. First, no superhero names or anything associated with our tights and capes hobby in the daylight. Second, no. Just, no. Catwoman may have a habit of teasing Batman and Robin, but no one gets to call me that.

"Selina," I say and I feel a bit of venom on the tip of my tongue. "Doing a bit of artwork shopping?" I glance at the painting she had just looking at, and her eyes widen.

"Dick!"

I wince. I should have expected Bruce to react to that comment, but it's not like he's ever scolded me before for saying the truth to his meaningless flings, to villains, and to villains who should be meaningless flings. I turn to him to shrug off my comment, but his face is on default Batman-mode, and well, it's as pretty as trying to get the Joker to stop smiling.

But before he could lecture me about my good-boy manners, Selina interjects and laughs.

"Feisty. I think we're going to get along just fine, kid," she says, and she runs her hand through my hair. My hair. My perfectly coifed hair! My Gothamite rich-kid hair that took me a long time to get ready between getting out of the zeta tubes and being seen in public. And she runs through it as if it's cat fur.

Selina idly steps pass me and leans in towards Bruce—whoa, okay, is she eye-screwing with him in front of a thirteen year old boy—with her hand on his shoulder, her flirty eyes beneath her lashes, and her ill-attempt at hiding the suggestive smirk.

"Well I just can't wait to have dinner with you boys tonight. It sounds absolutely perfect."

Bruce and I share a look; well, I direct a look at him first and he just meets my eyes with that parental, demanding thing. And what went on in the air between us is like watching Clark trying not to use heat-ray vision on Conner and Conner trying to learn how to use heat-ray vision on Clark. It is not good.

I open my mouth to make up an excuse—I have to go tutor Barbara, I have to go save KF from Artemis's revenge, I have a world to save, I have…world domination plans to go through. I just need something, but before I could say anything, The Bat happens.

"I can't wait either, Selina, and I'm sure it'll be a great way for you guys to get to know each other. Isn't that right, Richard?"

And he would use Richard, which means that even if there was a random war raging on between Earth and the peaceful nation of Themyscira or if talking gorillas decided to take down the League, I am not escaping.

Yep, I'm in a lock and key situation. And Richard is the lock.

Ugh. My life.

The next day, I concoct a plan based on what I had learned from Selina the night before during long, horrendous dinner where I had to sit through Bruce's and Selina's continuous flirting, Bruce's attempts to get her and I to connect, and Alfred's insistence I stay at the dinner table until everyone was done with their meals, which clearly didn't end until an hour later when Bruce and her decided to stop teasing each other long enough to look down at their dinner plates. She was playing secretary at the post-office just across the street from Wayne Industries, which I conclude, means both her and Bruce will be meeting by 5:00PM sharp when they both end work.

And I'm not sitting through that again, so I give Alfred a call, head straight to the mountain, and wait an hour before Wally comes back from school. It isn't until I heard the familiar machine voicing his arrival that I finally sit up from my position on the couches.

He quickly zips up next to me and sticks his head over my shoulders to look at my screen. Please, like he could understand anything on my computer, which of course, leads to him asking: "Dude, what are you doing?"

I smirk. "Plotting."

I could feel his grin hovering over me even as he tosses his backpack to the side. "To take over the world? Bro, are we finally going to act out Contingency Plan Two-Four-Oh?"

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Ah, Plan 240. That was a great plan.

A plan you kids should not know about—don't tell your mother about it.

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"Not yet, Wally. That comes later," I tell him, and quickly save my progress on the computer.

"Then what are you plotting?"

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Kids, you know as well as I do that your Grandpa Bruce was really protective of me. And I mean really overprotective – more than your dear old dad is of you guys. I mean, at least I give you guys some freedom right?

I would never go so far as to try to break you and your dates up like your Grandpa Bruce did to me back in the day. I mean, that guy was crazy possessive. I would never, ever do that. Ever.

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"Trying to break up Batman and his girlfriend."

Wally lets out a loud and exasperated sigh. "Again? Rob, give it a rest. Let Daddy Bats have some fun for once."

I scowl. My fingers pressing onto the buttons I memorized while I turn to face him. "Just whose side are you on?"

Wally looks taken aback and he holds up both hands in the universal sign of defence –wimp. He crafts a playful grin which he had often used on Bruce to get on the Bat's good side before raiding our kitchen and Alfred's cupboards. "Yours man, always yours, but—"

"Good, now what do you think will scare her off?" I ask, placing a finger on my chin. "Rabid dogs in the house or a dinner plate full of mice?"

Wally's hands drop, and I could see goose bumps on his arm. "W-What?" He sounds like a cross between being flabbergasted and downright freaked out.

None of my plans to shoo off Bruce's previous dates have involved animals before. I don't think it helps considering that I'm trying to stifle the laugh that made my team cower at the sight of me, which they don't know I know. But honestly, don't they realize that I have the entire mountain on security footage? Not to mention that I hear things on the mind link?

Amateurs.

"Did I mention he's dating Catwoman?"

"Whoa, score. She's a total babe."

I glare at him and he sticks both hands up again.

"Your side, remember? Totally one hundred percent on your side."

Before I could say anything else, the mountain announces the test subject for my plans—I mean, Conner. With him being as indestructible as he is, rapid dogs should be a breeze. That is, unless he decided to domesticate them like he has the past dozen animals we've encountered on missions.

Like Wolf.

And Sphere (who technically isn't an animal, but maybe in some intergalactic nation, it is).

And those baby ducks I saw coming out of the bathroom the other day, but those might be Kaldur's. He has a soft spot for animals too.

"Supes!"

He grunts in response. Okay, gotta work on greetings with the big guy.

"M'gann's out with her school friends at the mall," Conner says, and drops himself on the couch in front of the TV. He runs his hand through his hair and is clearly exhausted from being at school all day. Man, he's got it bad. Kinda tough when you're a walking encyclopedia and Batman won't let you tell the teacher when he's wrong. I kind of feel that way in pre-calculus sometimes.

The clone turns to us with a look of confusion we've seen from him way too many times.

"Did you guys say you have a plan for taking over the world earlier?"

"Nope," Wally and I say simultaneously. We then proceed to change the topic.

Or, well, Wally does.

The next few hours is spent with Wally trying to convince Conner, then Artemis, Kaldur, and finally M'gann who all comes in later that day, that Batman does, in fact, have a life outside of the League and is, much to my utter distaste, dating someone that I don't approve of.

"Be home by dinner," Batman tells me through the screen when I evade another attempt at bringing me home to hang out with him and Selina, and I could see the quizzing looks on my teammates' faces. They are still almost all in disbelief that Batman ate meals, much less dates people and behaves like a total human. Yeah, well, too bad he does.

"Perhaps Robin, you are too quick to judge. I do not believe that Batman's affairs will affect the team's productivity."

"But look at him, Kal! He's smitten!"

"…Robin, he looked the same to us," M'gann adds.

I cross my arms and give a harrumph. "You just don't get it."

"I'm still trying to get the fact that Batman has an outside life. And that he dates. I mean, who is this chick?" Artemis asks, but obviously I ignore the question.

Oh, I just can't wait until Arty and the rest of the gang—well, mostly Artemis—find out who Batman and Robin really are. She is going to flip tables.

The team eventually all disperse to do their own thing, to which I respond by finishing up with my RemoveTheCat plan on my gauntlet, until an hour later when I hear Kaldur's voice.

"Robin?"

"Busy."

"I see. Then we will leave you to your work. I hope our screaming will not affect your concentration too much."

I raise an eyebrow above my mask. "Screaming?"

"Yes, Wally suggested that he and I teach the rest of the team the purpose of Water-Tag."

I look up.

Kaldur smiles confidently.

My mouth drops open.

He nods.

"Water-Tag?!"

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Kids, Water-Tag is a game that was invented by yours truly and your Uncles Wally, Roy, and Kaldur when we were just starting out as superheroes. It originated from the fact that your Uncle Kaldur could control water at his will, my love for Hide-and-Go-Seek, Uncle Wally's impeccable ability to run from a situation, and your Uncle Roy's perfect aim.

In fact, if you recall, it's the reason why we all landed in the Med-Bay two years ago and why your mother and all your aunts keep tabs on us every time we hang out.

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"Of course, with Wally being quite…distracted by Artemis, it might not be as effective as the old days with Roy and us playing the game. But I am used to making adjustments. I assume losing this game after two years of being undefeated must come eventually."

And…that is the winning touch.

"Kal, wait," I say, holding a hand up to stop him.

"Yes, Robin?"

I smirk devilishly. "They won't know what hit 'em."

While I go to get ready in my swimming trunks—it was somewhere here…maybe I'd find it a lot faster if I actually spend the night here one day, which is plausible if Catwoman was planning on staying at the manor more often—Wally is with the team, needing a refresher on the rules. Either that or he wants to be by Artemis a bit more. Tsk, that poor, lovesick boy.

I change into my swimwear and snicker as I made my way to the beaches. Even if I'm not a Zatara, I could probably recite the rules backwards and forwards: water users can't use anything but a water gun (which the mountain definitely had an unlimited supply of for this sole reason), they had to hit the target in the face, and the targets could use any superpower or weapon they wanted to defend themselves. There are a few other rules, but…the newbies will figure that out eventually.

Best.

Game.

Ever.

Well, aside from Hide-and-Go-Seek, which I am still the king of.

"Your wrist computer doubles as a water gun?" Artemis's voice snaps me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah, so?" I shrug. I could still see her raised eyebrow even though it's dark out, which makes things that more interesting. Of course, it has to be dark or else we wouldn't be allowed to shoot arrows or sick venom-instilled wolves at each other without pedestrians questioning us.

"Just what else do you have in there?"

"Not much. It's not like it's the utility belt."

"What's in that?"

I shrug again. Unlike her, I actually want to play the game and not waste the rest of the afternoon listing them my to-do list to get organised and cleaned this weekend.

I place my gear on the side of the mountain, though quickly grab through the third compartment of said belt. That is, until Kaldur clears his throat behind me.

"Uh, yeah, Kaldur?" I ask coolly.

"As I've told you in the past, we do not need such things in this game."

"But—"

"Robin…We are on the shore. That is shark repellent, and as much as I urge you to accept the fact that no shark will approach you in the sea, I insist that you do not need it in the game."

I grumble a response, and regrettably get up from my crouched position. I swear, one day he's going to thank me for what I have in my utility belt.

After a long bickering process, we decide to play experts versus newbies—let's just hope Conner doesn't destroy the mountain.

The game begins quickly, and after the first hour and a half, it leads to the three of us hiding behind the boulders to retaliate with our attack. And we would have started sooner if it wasn't for Kid Crush.

"Get it together, Wally. She's the enemy," I say while slapping his shoulder.

"But look at her! And she's wearing a red bikini. Red! You know red is like, my all-time favourite colour."

"KF, think about it this way," I tell him, proud of myself for coming up with romance advice at a time like this. They don't call me a Ladies' Man for nothing. "If you gawk at her and act stupid, she'll only hate you more. You need to learn how to show off your skills. Treat her like an equal. Do you think Artemis will appreciate it if you go easy on her?"

He thinks for a moment before his shoulders fall. "…I guess you're right."

"Good, now get traught. Kaldur's alpha, I'm beta, and you're gamma."

"Wait, which plan is this?"

Kaldur suddenly shows up behind us with a water gun in each hand, both with five litre tanks attached and detachable water grenades that burst upon contact like a water balloon filled with awesome. The Bad-Ass. I remember that water gun. And it isn't even something Alfred could scold me for swearing because it's in the name.

I'm proud to say I thought of that name.

"I believe this is the Harper Defeat of 2009," Kaldur says with pride.

Wally and I look up in nostalgia. Ah, Roy never knew what hit him…repeatedly.

"Got it."

When the game resumes, I realize how much harder it was without Roy, due to there being another archer whose skill matches his, a Martian who not only could evade our attacks, but could fill our minds with distracting images, and a loud, aggressive clone who decides to fight us off with rocks. Big rocks.

But that's alright.

I mean, I always did excel when it came to challenges.

Wally on the other hand…not so much. At least, not with Artemis outsmarting his every move. Even with our foolproof plan that pummelled Roy to the ground last year (figuratively and literally), these three have the privilege of speaking through their mind link, and the fact that Artemis is in a bathing suit means Wally is distracted. Heavy on the dis.

"C'mon Wally…Get your head tog—"

Before I could finish the sentence, Wally tackles Artemis to the ground like a 210 pound rugby player, and ultimately ends the game, not to mention any possibility of her falling for him…figuratively. Literally, she kind of just did fall because of him. Ouch, and on those rocks too.

That's going to leave a nasty bruise.

And it's definitely going to hurt our eardrums.

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"You idiot! I have to wear this damn cast now because of you!" Artemis screeches at Wally from the Med-Bay. "How am I supposed to use my bow now?!"

I pity the guy, especially after seeing his crestfallen face upon leaving his One True Love's room.

"Sorry, bro. I'm sure you two will work it out," I tell him.

Wally is obviously too busy scolding himself, but the moment he looks back at the room where Artemis is being treated for her broken arm, his face grows serious.

And I know that face.

Something either seriously horrible or seriously awesome is going to happen.

"What is it, Wally?"

"I'm feeling down."

No, really?

"And if you check your phone and realize that Daddy Bats has called you ten times in the past hour, I'm pretty sure you're down too."

Ah, fu—shoot. I had forgotten about him for a moment.

"So what do you think we should do?" I ask him, but I already know the answer.

"Initiate Contingincy Plan Two-Four-Oh?"

"You mean to take over the world?"

"Yes."

I pause and then look down at my phone, seeing the message from Bruce about Selina and breakfast tomorrow, and then back up at Wally.

"Operation Two-Four-Oh commences in T-minus-ten minutes"

"Wicked."

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Kids, we never really completed Contingency Plan 240, and no, I will never tell you what it is. You're too young to know and it's too dangerous. Anyway, the League caught your Uncle Wally and I a week later before anything got damaged and we were both grounded for a month. Thankfully, no one got hurt.

That never stopped us though.

Your Uncle Wally continued to leap and dance after Artemis, even after her arm broke because of him. He decorated her cast with colourful messages, and gave heartfelt apologies which she eventually cave to and accepted.

And as for me?

That day was the start of my quest to thwart Selina Kyle away from your grandfather, and it certainly wasn't my last, but you know what?

She wasn't so bad after all, but we'll get to that later.

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A/N: I'm really iffy about my style of humour for this story mainly because I actually used to like writing comedy until some point towards the end of high school and the start of university when everything I wrote was just depressing and angsty (adulthood is lamer than childhood) so it's been a while...And I hope I'm not forcing it too much. So let me know what you think.

P.S. Kudos to you if you know where the Shark Repellent reference came from! And the Themyscira invasion/talking gorilla reference too!