Title: How We Came to Be
By: Xmarksthespot
Disclaimer: I don't own YJ or How I Met Your Mother
Notes: Hugeeee thank you to the lovely independentwriter-137 for editing this chapter for me. And thank you for all the kind reviews. :)
About this chapter: If you guys are fans of HIMYM (and I'm pretty sure based on the reviews that the majority of you have seen it), you'll get this chapter's huge reference. If not, well, I hope you still enjoy it!
Italics — Future!Dick
Normal Font — Past!Dick
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Kids, being some of the youngest partners of the Justice League, your Uncles and I were under a lot of stress, whether it was adjusting with our civilian lives or dealing with being crime fighters against some of the toughest villains. So, whenever there was some downtime, we made sure to use it wisely.
When it came to your Uncle Wally and I, fun was sometimes at the expense of someone else's frustrations, but being the naïve, innocent children we were, we continued to pull our pranks and gimmicks until we were wise enough not to do them.
But then in December 2010, Uncle Wally decided that with him being 16 and me being 14, we were still young enough to have one last laugh.
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"What is that?" Artemis questions, eyes narrowing conspicuously at the thick, leather bound book with golden—made of real gold, obviously. Ten carat gold to be specific—cursive writing that is resting gorgeously in Wally's hands.
I crack a grin, leaping over our pillow fort and couches to meet with my partner in crime at the end of the other room.
"The bible! I haven't seen it in forever!" I call out, marveling at its beauty.
I can feel Conner's questioning gaze while M'gann and Zatanna—our new official member of the team and occupant at the cave— walk over. There's a squeak coming from the dining room chair as Kaldur shifts on his seat uncomfortably.
Heh.
He knows what's up.
"The bible?" Artemis repeats. She pulls the book from Wally's hold, and he and I gasp in shock. We hold out our hands and Wally begins to beg that she handles it with care.
"This isn't the bible," the blonde tells us, flipping through the bronze coloured pages. Zatanna and M'gann glance over her shoulders to take a peak.
"What is it?" Our new teammate asks.
We roll our eyes and I swipe it away from Artemis's arms to pet the cover lovingly.
"It is their prank book," Kaldur answers before we do and once more, Wally and I gasp outrageously.
Wally shakes his head, and joins me in petting our beloved. "This is no ordinary prank book, Kaldur. You can't just deem it so!"
"You'll hurt its feelings," I say. And it's true. Prank book seems so…ordinary. This? This is pure awesomeness.
"It has…been quite a while since you have used it. I had been hoping you and Robin had grown out of your phase and had discontinued to carry around such a thing," Kaldur continues, and looks down at the book worryingly.
Wally and I laugh and I hold it up into the air like Rafiki announcing the birth of Simba, the King of the Jungle. Except, you know, this is the king of kings. This is the—
"Ploybook," Wally says. He wraps his arm around my shoulder and he too, looks up at the item in my hands with pride. "It's our Ploybook."
We sniff in amazement. I can't believe we even put it away for so long. So, so long. I feel like a bad father in a way. I bring the book back down to which Wally and I stare at it nostalgically again.
There's a snort from whom else but Artemis. She puts her hands on her hips and passes a look to the other girls.
"Wouldn't it be funny if Robin and Wally got together and adopt a bunch of kids to be a part of their superhero team of bats and speedsters?"
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Kids, you and I both know that didn't happen.
And I swear, nothing ever went on between your Uncle Wally and I.
Don't give me that look, I don't care what your mother says.
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A look of curiosity and euphoric revelation crosses the faces of the others. I see Zatanna raise an eyebrow at me, and my mouth drops open. The voice in my mind is immediately screaming danger because I cannot let her think that Wally and I are—I can't believe they would even think that we were—a couple.
"Pfft," Wally scoffs. "We're too straight to bend down that road and even if I was remotely interested in guys, there's no way I would be with Robin of all people—no offense dude."
"None taken, bro," I respond.
"We'd still make a pretty awesome couple though."
"Totally."
Wally holds out his fist and I bump it with mine.
The others try to hide their amused faces—they're just jealous— as I sit down by Kaldur to place the Ploybook down.
"So why did you bring it out again if it was away for so long?" Conner asks.
"And what sort of pranks did you have?" adds Artemis.
Wally and I look at each other and grin simultaneously.
"We thought that considering we have so many newcomers," Wally pauses to address Zatanna on the side, "we would let you guys in on a little fun. Every first year junior Justice League partner has to go through with it, whether it be on the delivering end…"
I smirk. "Or in Kaldur's and Roy's case, the receiving end."
Everyone in the room turns to our favourite Atlantean who looks like a shriveled up sea sponge.
"Oh no, they pranked you, Kaldur?" M'gann says with a worried look on her face. I want to laugh because it sounds like she thinks we had endangered him or something.
Well, we did, but not too much.
"Just what did they do?" Conner asks and Kaldur lets out a sigh—he turns to us.
"I believe one of you is interested in telling this story."
I chuckle, because he's right. Then, without a moment's hesitance, I flip the book open to reveal…
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The Flopper
(Also known as: Kaldur's first night in Gotham)
It was a warm, sunny afternoon in Gotham City that day in 2008. We had met Aqualad a few times by now, but being new to the whole partner thing, he stuck mostly to Aquaman's side.
But on that night, it just so happened that Batman's, Flash's, Green Arrow's, and Aquaman's enemy were the one and the same, and so we were all reunited at the manor. We were instructed to stay inside…which of course, led to us getting into trouble in our costumes—without our mentors—by the pier.
"Aqualad, you have to help us!" I yelled while kicking the armed man in the gut.
"Yeah dude, we can only win this fight with you!" Kid Flash joined.
Luckily, Speedy was too preoccupied with his batch of criminals to hear what we were going to do to his new best friend on his first day in Gotham.
"What is it that I must do? I shall abide," the newcomer told us.
"You have to wiggle," I instructed while fighting off the criminals.
"I do not understand," Aqualad said.
Kid Flash sped up to us. "You know, like a fish on dry land. The way they shake and flop around when they're on land instead of water!"
He furrowed his brows. "But for what reason?"
Flipping into the air to split kick the idiots in ski masks, I explained, "Land-dwellers are frightened by the sight of it! You don't have to worry about us; we've worked with Aquaman enough to be immune."
"Yeah," Wally added. "Only people from the sea can fully master it!"
From afar, we hear Speedy's voice: "What are you guys doing?! More guys are coming!"
Both Kid Flash and I looked over to Aqualad. "Hurry!"
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"And that," Wally says through laughter, "is how we got Kal to lay on the ground and flop like a fish!"
I laugh along too, but when I turn to the others, they're simply mortified. Especially Kaldur, who officially has his face buried in his hands in embarrassment.
"The crooks found it so odd, they all stopped fighting to watch him as we knocked them out," I say with a shrug. "So we did technically win that night."
Kaldur shakes his head, face still hidden from us. "I was a naïve fool back then." Finally, he lifts his head up. "My King had not warned me of the true dangers of the surface world, but I hope that my frightful experience has taught you never to abide to their demands," he says, addressing the team while glaring daggers at us.
Gosh, Kal, it's been like, two years. Why won't he ever forgive us for that one silly trick?
"Wow…" Zatanna says, and I think I hear a hint of intrigue. Is this our third partner in crime? She's pretty aster so far. "So what other things do you have in there?"
"Well…" I think for a moment, flipping the pages. Some of them were pretty ridiculous, really. I mean, we were kids. Most of the things we did back then are even comparable to the wonderful pranks that Wally and I could do now. I stop at a page. "I did recently pull The 12 Bedroom House."
"What's the 12 Bedroom House?" Conner asks.
I smirk.
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The 12 Bedroom House
"Hey Selina, did you know that you could get hemorrhoids from pregnancy? Acne and stretch marks too!"
She stopped me by lifting a finger in the air. "Hold up, kid. Who said I was pregnant?"
I simply smiled innocently. "Well if you're going to be with Bruce, he's going to expect a few kids. One named Thomas and another one named Martha. And a few more to fill all the rooms in this house too."
Her jaw dropped, and I could hear the success ringing in my ears.
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M'gann's eyes are widened, and even Kaldur is amazed.
"You told Batman's girlfriend that he wanted to have a dozen kids?"
I shrug casually. "I was grounded for a week," I admit. "But it was probably one of the better ones I did while trying to get rid of her."
Artemis sighs. "I'm scared to ask…What else did you do?"
"I'm glad you ask, Arty," I say, and I flip over to the next page.
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Breakfast at Tiffany's
"Hey Selina."
"Morning, kitten," she greeted with a yawn.
"Alfred had to drive Bruce to work early this morning, but I made breakfast."
"Really now? Well aren't you sweet." She ran her fingers through my hair—ugh—before sitting down at the dining room table. I placed the plate in front of her.
"Bon appetite."
She stared at the eggs and bacon, but I can see her eyes wander to the charred meat on the side. She pokes at it with a fork before hesitantly stabbing a piece and bringing it to her mouth. Her face contorts slightly at the taste and she brings a napkin to her lips.
"Kiddo, what's this?"
I smiled. "Tiffany."
"What's Tiffany?"
"It's the name I gave to the sewer rat I caught last week."
She promptly stepped away to barf in the kitchen sink.
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Again, my teammates' reactions are no less horrified than they had been a while ago. What? I really don't like Selina. My reasons are legitimate.
"What? I thought it was funny," I say. "You know…Catwoman…Cats...Cats go for mice and rats?"
Everyone else shudders, including Wally. Seriously? He was the one who came up with that idea to scare away Bruce's dates at the charity banquets…Granted, I might have changed it up a bit from Play-Doh to sewer rat.
"Bro, it was not my intention for you to share horror stories to the rest of us when I decided to bring the Ploybook to the mountain."
"Why are you so mean to her?" Conner asks me. "It's not like she's hurting you or anything."
I frown and the memory of Bruce choosing her over me on the night of my parent-teacher interview flashes in my mind. It had been the first time Bruce had ever forgotten me like that, and I hope that by choosing to wear sunglasses instead of my mask today wasn't a mistake, because I could feel the edges of my eyes stinging.
"You must not really like the idea of her dating Batman then," Zatanna observes and she consoles me by putting her hand on my shoulder.
Normally, I would take advantage of her hand on my shoulder like this, because I've learned in the past few days that Zatanna's pretty cool—more fun than M'gann, who doesn't understand, and Artemis, who just yells at us—when it comes to teasing. In fact, she and I have come up with a few new words to work on the team, but as I look down at the Ploybook, knowing that there are at least sixteen more ploys that could be worked on Selina, I sigh.
"Yeah, I don't," I say. I close the book and hand it back to Wally. "But you're right, Con…She's not really hurting me or Batman."
I press my lips together, because it's Catwoman and I need to emphasize her horridness to my teammates, but I know for a fact that Bruce is monitoring us—actually, the fact that Wally's brought the Ploybook means every League member is on high alert—and I already promised him I would try to get to know Selina.
Wow. Is this what losing feels like? Now I know why Roy was so bummed out after we beat him at Water-Tag last year…And the year before.
"Look, guys, I'm just going to go back to Gotham. It's time for dinner anyway, and I have to be there to remind Batman and Catwoman to eat or else they spend the night staring at each other."
From the look of everyone's goose bump-covered arms, they're still frightened at the thought of Batman dating and giving Catwoman lovesick, come-hither eyes.
I get up from my seat and wave goodbye.
Walking to the communications room, I can hear Wally explaining my reaction to the others.
"—he doesn't feel like doing anything these days. Well, mostly because he's always grounded for these things," he says.
"But I thought you said that Catwoman wasn't Batman's first girlfriend," says M'gann.
The voices grow quiet, but I can still hear them from where I am.
"Yeah but this is the first time Robin actually feels ignored and unwanted. I'm pretty sure you guys have guessed by now that Batman's not his real father, but Robin told me the other day that he feels exactly like the time after his parents died."
I don't bother listening to the rest of Wally's explanation. I hop into the zeta tube and head for Gotham.
By the time I get to the manor, Alfred tells me that dinner is delayed, but I should go make small talk with Selina and Bruce who are in the entertainment room.
I decline, because the last time I walked in the entertainment room…well, they were entertained alright, but I was left horrified, blinded, and scarred for a month.
I enter my room and stay there for what seems like hours before Bruce calls me down to dinner, but when I step back into the dining room, I don't see Alfred anywhere. Bruce, on the other hand, is sitting…Alone?
"Where's Selina?" I ask.
Bruce grimaces, but then gives me a soft smile. "Sit down, Dick."
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And so, your Grandpa Bruce spent the next half an hour apologizing to me for the way he had acted, and for forgetting about the school's parent-teacher night. Of course, he had listened to the conversation Wally and the team had at the mountain, and to my surprise, decided to end his relationship with Selina.
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"I didn't mean to break you and Selina up," I tell him at the end of dinner.
He chuckles. "Of course you did, Dick. You've been trying to break us up for months."
I smile meekly. "Well yeah, but…Not in this way."
He raises a brow. "Was it meant to go out with a bang?"
Finally, I let out a giggle. "Sort of."
We both get up to clear our plates, but Bruce says he could clean the dishes. He then ruffles my hair, and I let him despite protesting every time Selina had done it. "Why don't you go change? I think I owe you a few games in the court."
I beam with glee. "Sure. I miss beating you," I say and can hear him laugh as I run up the stairs.
In my room, I close the door behind me, and quickly jump for the loose carpet by the foot of my bed. Beneath it, a hole I had dug up with a cell phone. I pull it out and search up the contact WW3—World War 3, AKA, Wally West, the predestined third Flash.
Mission Accomplished.
—D.
I smirk at our newest and most recent addition to the Ploybook, unseen by others.
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The Break-Up
Step 1: switch up the birthday wishes (note: catalyst #1 must be in close relation with the target, and will certainly share the events taken place).
"Alfred, do you think…Do you think if I say no to a birthday party this year, Bruce could spend the day with me instead of with Selina?"
"Of course, young master. But are you sure you don't want to celebrate the day with your friends? You have been so excited for your fourteenth birthday for months."
I shrugged. "Yeah but…It's been a while since it was just me and Bruce, you know?"
Step 2: have the party anyway, but disclose your feelings of dejection to catalyst #2 (note: target does not have to be nearby—though it would certainly help—so long as catalyst #2 is willing to repeat admissions later on in a not-entirely secluded location in which the target can overhear).
"I can't believe you played Spin the Bottle at your birthday party. That's so lame," Wally said as he helped me clean up the manor.
I laughed. "You're just mad that I kissed Artemis before you did, bro."
"I sat across from her! It was a sure thing that her bottle would land on me, especially with her arm strength! I'll even show you the physics!"
I tossed a party cup in his direction. "Whatever, Wally. I mean, you got to kiss Barbara—can't you call it even?"
He narrowed his eyes toward me. "Dick," he said offensively and then pointed to the coat closet. "You got seven minutes in heaven with Barbara."
Oh yeah. I did. That was awesome. Too bad she wasn't willing to date me—what did she even mean by immature and wasn't ready for her? And too short? I'm so mature and I'm pretty sure my growth spurt will come soon enough.
I crossed my arms and slumped onto the couches. "Yeah well, my original plans still would have been better than this."
Wally looked at me, confused.
"I wanted to hang out with Bruce," I admitted. "He's with Selina at the moment—he promised he would be back by now, but he's probably 'stuck in traffic' again." I lifted my arms to air quote him. Looking at the mess, my frown deepened. "It's like he doesn't even want me."
Step 3: Tell catalyst #2 to bring the Ploybook via the extra cellphone at the foot of the bed that the target doesn't know about (note: make sure to slip into the conversation with League members that the Ploybook is coming back, alerting all senior heroes and forcing the target to monitor the mountain at all times).
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That one, I'll have to explain. Kids, with your Grandpa Bruce being so invasive to all of our privacy, your Uncle Wally and I had separate phones at our disposal which he didn't learn about until much later in our lives. How did we even get that idea?
Well it was all thanks to your Uncle Roy.
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Two years ago:
"You're grounded! Don't you even think about going out tonight, Roy. I'm taking away your phone, your TV and your computer privileges."
"Fine by me, Ollie!" Roy huffed before slamming his bedroom door in his guardian's face. He proceeded to throw things in his room around for the next half an hour, only to eye the door cautiously before lifting up a loose floorboard at the foot of his bed.
Grinning with accomplishment, he fished out another cell phone and dialed a number.
"Hey babe, it's me. Yeah, I know I haven't returned your calls—no, Ollie doesn't know about this phone," Roy whispered. "So I'll see you at the bar? Got my ID," he mentioned, lifting up the fake ID whose information said:
Name: Oliver King
Age: 21
He grinned into the phone. "Awesome, I'll see you later. Oh and keep calling my other phone. Ollie'll get suspicious. Thanks, babe. I'll see you soon."
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Needless to say, Roy's meaningless fling back when he was sixteen never lasted. Even his rebellious teenage phase lasted way longer than that, but I'm sure he wouldn't want me telling you that…
Where was I? Oh right, the point is, your Uncle Wally and I, being the easily influential kids we were, ended up having spare phones like your Uncle Roy did which were basically untraceable and were saved for situations like these.
And so…
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Step 4: Tell your friends about your previous and unsuccessful, but perfectly crafted schemes to break up your target and his parasitic, soul-sucking girlfriend. Earn sympathy with the new girl and appear upset for a reason which some team members, particularly a newly hatched clone and a non-Earth resident, question (note: if identity is revealed at this point, carefully take off the mask/sunglasses and proceed to wipe eyes; otherwise, stay distraught—heavy on the dis).
Step 5: Pretend to have to leave the premises while catalyst #2—specifically your best bud whom you tell everything to and would make a good romantic partner had you two not been straight—explains to the team about your state of distress and bring in a sob story about your past to guilt the target who is most obviously listening.
Step 6: Come back to the premises of where it all started and remain upset. The target will then tell catalyst #1 (AKA the butler) to delay dinner while he ends his relationship with the parasitic, soul-sucking girlfriend who is then driven back home by the catalyst.
Step 7: Rebuild your relationship with the target and proceed to spend the rest of your days without a fur ball in sight.
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And that kids, is the story of how I broke up your Grandpa Bruce and Selina Kyle.
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A/N: Dick's birthday party having spin the bottle, and his 7 minutes in heaven with Barbara was mentioned in YJ comic #25. Aside from that, I hope you enjoyed my version of Barney's Playbook.
Note: In the comics, Artemis did show up to Dick's birthday party. And so to answer the question: Wouldn't Artemis question how Richard Grayson and Wally know each other? The answer is: yes she would, and their answer was that they met up at summer camp—Dick even has the photos to prove it. I just realized that at this point, Dick hasn't revealed his identity to Artemis and while this scene didn't fit into the chapter, I should mention it to avoid any possible confusion.
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