Disclaimer: All Gallons go to J.K Rowlin, Harry Potter, and vastly more important, Draco Malfoy, belongs to her.

This was the original inspiration for this book (which I plan on continuing to and past book 7). On a Reddit thread on /r/explainlikeIAmA, /u/ScenicFrost asked "Explain the plot of Harry Potter from Draco Malfoy's perspective like you're Draco Malfoy and I'm Crabbe and Goyle". I posted the following as /u/SomeRandomRedditor. The response and requests for more made the decision for me to expand.

How many times have I told you fools this? And why the hell are you still haunting me Crabbe? Haunt Potter, it's his bloody fault!

Oh fine, I'll tell you the story of first year, but this is the last time, I'd tell you to write it down if I thought either of you numbskulls could read.

Scar face came to Hogwarts, met a bucktoothed mudblood and a poor blood traitor, barely stumbled through classes. Arrogant little git was always fun to annoy, but through friends and luck managed to come out on top, if we went through with that duel- but that's neither here nor there.

Ole catbrain took pity on the poor orphan and gave him a spot on the team, and even more pity they let him win.

During Halloween they came across the troll, who obviously was passed out, and managed to get Dumb old dork to believe they defeated it. As if scarface, a blood traitor, and a mudblood could defeat a paper bag, much less a troll!

Are you paying attention!? Where the hell did you get a translucent muffin Crabbe? Even in death you have to pig out!? Did you want to listen to this or not?

As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, eventually the Hairy Pothead managed to defeat querrel through luck and chance, nothing more. A Chocolate frog card and happening upon the one mudblood that would figure out and connect who Nicolous Flamel is and why it matters? A bumbling oaf, who, to no ones surprise, reveals Fluffy's weakness? Luck and chance, nothing more, if Potter didn't have his Mum's precious sacrifice he would have died and the mudbloods and blood traitors would be dead, but no, I'm stuck in Azkaban with you fools.