Hope Is A Four Letter Word

Alec allowed himself a few moments to break down at the door of the apartment. He didn't let himself do it often, and honestly it hadn't ever felt like this before. His heart felt like it might fall out of his chest any moment. There was a mix of complete sorrow and joy at being there. Sorrow because he knew it couldn't last, he would have to go. Joy because he was so close to Magnus he could almost feel him in his arms. He almost let himself picture that. Magnus walking through the door. Pulling Magnus into a kiss and wrapping him in his arms as best he could, despite their height difference. For once taking charge in a relationship that Magnus always seemed to be in charge of. That wouldn't happen though. It couldn't. They had to much to work through, too many problems to solve, and Magnus would never allow it. He'd be lucky if Magnus even acknowledged his presence.

That's why he hadn't knocked on the door yet. He was afraid of how Magnus would react to him being there. They'd had fights before, and the Warlock was unpredictable. Sometimes he would act as though nothing had happened, others he'd give the silent treatment for days while Alec sat on the couch or next to him in bed feeling like a child being scolded. This however was no ordinary fight. This wasn't an I need space for a while. This was an I never want to see your dishonest, betraying, pathetic, Shadowhunter self or your stupid friends again thing. It was something you don't think about until it happened, and once it did you wished you would have thought about it so you knew what to do.

Alec choked back another sob and attempted to calm himself. He straightened up and wiped his tears on his sleeve, then he stood there, biting his lip and playing absently with the scarf around his neck trying to decide what to do. Knocking on the door could be a big step in the right direction. If he didn't at least try to get Magnus back, he wouldn't ever get Magnus back.

Then again, it could blow up in his face. Plus Magnus could not even be home, and somehow the thought of getting caught standing on his landing didn't sit well with Alec. AND even if Magnus was home, and was willing to listen to Alec, and didn't just shut the door in his face, what the hell would he say to him? Hey Magnus, look I know you told me to stay away but I just couldn't. This guy I slept with said I should fight for you and so that's why I am here.Fuck I can't say that. Well no shit Sherlock, but you have to say something.I was in the neighborhood? Just be honest with him. Tell him you love him.He knows that though. Say it anyway. Tell him you need him, tell him you aren't giving up without a fight.But what if- No stop. You are hopeless.

Exactly. He was hopeless. He didn't know the first thing about how to fix anything. Sighing Alec turned away from the door and looked down at the scarf in his hands. It was the one Magnus had given him. It brought out the color in his eyes apparently. He let the soft fabric run through his fingers as a small smile came to his face. It had always looked better on Magnus though. He would pair it with skinny jeans and one of Alec's shirts when they went for coffee in the mornings, and somehow managed to make the boring look sexy as hell. It always smelled so wonderful when he got it back. Like Sandalwood and magic, if magic had a scent. It may have just been the natural scent of Magnus, but Alec liked to think that magic smelled like Magnus. He pulled the scarf from his neck and brought it to his nose. Yep, Sandalwood and Magic. He let himself soak in the smell for a moment before turning back to the door.

He had hope for them, but not for today. He wasn't ready to face Magnus yet, but he would go home and talk to Izzy. She wasn't great with relationships, but she was the best he had in this situation. He rummaged in his pocket and managed to find a pen and an old receipt from Taki's and quickly scrawled a note on the back of it before tying the scarf to the door knob and slipping the paper under the door. It wasn't much, but for now it would have to do. "I love you Magnus." He said softly, touching the door tenderly once more before turning away and heading back to the institute.

Magnus-

I know I've been stupid, and I know I have messed up. This isn't the end for us. If I have to fight the rest of my life to make this up to you I will. I have hope for us.

I love you Magnus Bane.

-Alec