Dreaming About the Things That We Could Be

Magnus met Tessa in Central Park holding two coffees, and glad to be out of the house. The fresh air was calming and he was starting to feel better already. Tessa smiled when she spotted him and they linked arms once she'd taken her coffee. They walked in silence for a while letting their feet take them where they would, simply enjoying each others company. After Will had died he and Tessa had gotten close, and after all these years he was glad to say she was still his best friend.

She seemed to know that he needed silence and she left him to his thoughts. It was why she had been his first thought on who to call. She knew him well enough to know that on most occasions getting him to act his age was near impossible, but at times when his age got the better of him she knew how to bring him back to himself.

"I think I hate him Tessa." Magnus said softly, staring down at his feet as they walked.

"You don't," She said with confidence.

"I want to. I wish I did. This would all be easier."

"It might, but you still wouldn't be happy."

Magnus frowned, "He tried to shorten my life Tess."

"Magnus can you blame the boy for being insecure about you?" She asked, stopping them near a pond. They found a bench and Tessa pulled a small bag of bread from her purse and began feeding the ducks.

"I find it funny that Will hated ducks, and yet when you think about him you feed ducks." Magnus said watching her. A smile came to her face as she fed them.

"Stop avoiding the question Magnus."

He sighed and looked out over the water, leaning back against the bench. "I don't understand what there is to be insecure about Tessa. He is the most important thing in my life."

Tessa sighed and looked over at him, sadness in her eyes. "Magnus its times like these that I wish you had my abilities so you could see what you do to people."

Magnus raised an eyebrow at her and she continued,

"How many time have we sat and had conversations similar to this? It isn't easy for anyone to be with you. You have this confidence and self assurance in the way you carry yourself. You know who you are, what you are and you are clearly set in the ways of how you live your life." Magnus opened his mouth to protest but she cut him off. "No, let me talk for a moment. We've had the problem in the past of your relationships with woman, and a few men, going south because of that confidence. It hurts egos to be with someone prettier than yourself, especially when they know it the way you do. That's not saying that you shouldn't be the way you are, because you are a wonderful person Magnus, and sometimes your confidence can be inspiring. In fact, I would be willing to put money on it that this is part of what Alexander loves about you.

Now top that with the fact that you are his first real anything, and he is certainly not yours. I can see where he would start doubting. Not you, but himself certainly. You will go on, live forever. You will stay young and beautiful and he will grow old and wrinkle. There is a fear there that when he dies you will move on, forget and he will have meant nothing."

Magnus shook his head, fighting back the irrational anger he felt over it. "I… that's just…" he sighed and put his head in his hands. "Alec is more than that Tessa. When he dies I will be nothing anymore. How could I possibly move on from him? I have watched you since you lost Will. I don't have your strength, or a reason as good as you to keep me going after Alec."

Tessa put her hand on his knee and gave it a gentle squeeze. He looked up and saw the pain in her face, not for herself, but for him. "Mag, you go on because you have to, because we aren't given much choice in the matter. It never stops hurting, and that is ok. That is something that reminds you that despite your age you are at least half human."

"That makes me feel wonderful," he said bitterly. "Not that I could convince Alexander of that. My protests to his thinking only seemed to make it worse."

"I had that conversation with Will once," Tessa said, her eyes going distant as she remembered. "He was afraid I'd go on and forget him. We didn't have the knowledge to take away my immortality then, but you know William. Herondale's are a stubborn lot. I caught him looking, caught him trying to figure it out behind my back,"

Magnus let the shock show on his face. "Tessa I had no idea."

She waver her hand dismissively, "Of course not. It was a different time them, a different world almost. You kept things like that to yourself because God forbid anyone think your marriage was anything but perfect." She took a sip of her coffee, reflecting on her thoughts, before continuing, "I was furious with him Magnus, in a way I never thought I could be with Will. I threatened to leave him. We didn't speak for days. James was the only thing that kept me there. He was so young then."

She sighed again. They didn't often speak about the past, it was painful for them both, especially Tessa who was still young enough to have most of her memories clear in her head. Magnus took her hand from his knee and gave her a small smile.

"What would I do without you Tess?" he asked and she responded with a laugh before getting to her feet and pulling him with her. They walked again, discussing things. Will had managed to fix things by simply being Will, so their fix was no help to him, but the day spent with Tessa was enough to lift his spirits, and their talk had certainly given him some hope for his relationship.