Esme's POV
"Edward's your favorite."
"It's not nice to pick favorites among your children."
"I still think you're nice, Esme, but it's obvious that Edward's your favorite."
Khalida was looking at me with her signature smirk. Even in deep conversations there always seemed to be amusement, mischief even, in her eyes.
It was our last evening in the rainforest. Tomorrow we would begin our journey back to civilization. Carlisle and I would see our family off at the airport before escaping to our tropical paradise off the coast of Brazil.
I had spent time with each of my old friends, Zafrina, Kachiri and Senna over the last week. We discussed what had happened in our lives during the last three years since we had seen each other. Zafrina had grown quite an attachment to Renesmee and chided me for not bringing her sooner. I shared with her and her sisters my experience as a grandmother, and of course they wanted to hear how Bella was progressing and adapting to this life. Carlisle sat with me as I spoke with Maysun and Chisisi. I liked them both very much, but I found myself drawn slightly more to Chisisi. There was warmth about him that reminded me of my husband. He wore his fatherly pride like a mantle as he told us about his experience as a single father to Khalida for so many years. I could also tell how much he had missed Maysun during that time and how much he loved her. When Chisisi and Maysun sat next to each other they were always touching. I wondered if more children were in their future.
As for the child they had, Khalida was a precocious one. I had spent more time with her over the last week than anyone else in our group, including my husband. She wanted to know everything about me and my family through my eyes, and anything I said just lead to more questions. The strange thing was that I often felt like she knew what I was going to say before I said it, but that didn't deter me. I didn't know why I was so open with her, but for some reason I felt incredibly at ease with her.
"He was our first, and he was so accepting of me. He was our only child for a decade before Rosalie joined us. It was only a few years before she found Emmett, and then she needed less parental guidance. Edward has always needed us more than the others because he's been on his own until the last few years. With Bella and Renesmee he grew up. He's a husband and a father now, and I'm so happy for him."
"You miss him though?" she observed.
"He hasn't gone anywhere," I said with a laugh.
"You're not the number one woman in his life though, but he's still your number one son. His priorities adjusted, but yours have not," Khalida declared, her eyes never flickered.
"He has a wife and a daughter. I wouldn't expect anything less," I said, defending Edward. "There would be something wrong in his relationship if he valued me over the two of them."
"He loves you very much," she said, the impishness back.
"I know," I assured her.
"They all do – especially your husband."
"But of course."
"Your Carlisle is quite perfect isn't he?" she teased.
I grimaced with a chuckle. "My husband isn't perfect. He's about as close to perfect as they come, but even he has his flaws."
"He's hard on himself."
"Of course he is when he's pursuing perfection, but he takes things too seriously at times. He takes me too seriously at times."
"It's his pursuit of perfection and his love for you," she said sweetly.
I paused before I continued. "He carries so much weight on his shoulders. He isn't God. He's my God, but he can't wave his magical hands and create perfection. He can't fix everyone's problems or heal every sick person. He sometimes says he's tried to do the best with what he's been given. He has always done his best so I hate when he is discontented."
Khalida studied my face as she spoke. "He has done so much that he never had to do. His kind would never have held him to such high standards. He chooses human life over their death. He heals those whose lives are so fragile when compared to his. He wants to make the world a better place and make his place better in it. He has not just built a coven – he has created a family, and a large and loving one at that. He was alone for so long, but even alone, with no one to judge him or see his good deeds, he did his best to create good in this world. When he created Edward and then you, he spread his goodness."
"Men and women have died because of me and Edward," I admitted.
Khalida moved in close to me and for the first time took my hand. It was warmer than my own. "And he bears that cross, but Dr. Carlisle Cullen and his generous family have done more good in this world than bad. You have made him a better person because he only judged himself before, but now everything he does, every action he takes, he has you in his heart. As you value his judgment and his assessment of you, he equally values yours."
"I can't compare to Carlisle's goodness," I said with a self-deprecating air.
"Why not? What have you ever done wrong?"
"I'm at times selfish and self centered," I mumbled.
She let out a big dramatic sign and wrapped an arm around me and lightly chastised me. "You're allowed to be at times, Esme. There are times that it can be all about you. You've earned that right. You are a good person."
"You hardly know me." I half-heartedly tried to shrug away, but Khalida wasn't letting me go.
"I know much about you. I've been interrogating you for a week and I have spoken to every single family member about you and your husband. I've also heard Zafrina, Senna, Kachiri, Huilen, Nahuel and my mother and father's opinions. You two are respected and adored."
"That is very kind of you to say," I said with a forced smile.
She offered further encouragement. "You are special, Esme. You may not have special abilities, but you are gifted. Your goodness, your love, you ability to make a home and surround yourself with a family are incredible gifts. You are a blessing on this earth, Mrs. Cullen. You should take pride in that even if your humility won't let you."
I stared at her for a moment. She was so positive and confident. She seemed to know so much. Her vision was so clear.
"I wish I could to see the world through your eyes for a moment. You have a way of seeing that is so different," I said in awe.
"That seems like a waste of a perfectly good wish," she said as she released my hand and stood before taking a seat again across from me.
"I find that wishes rarely come true, Khalida. Dreams, yes, I was lucky in that department. Wishes, well, they are just that," I admitted.
"Ah, but if you could have one wish, Esme Cullen, one wish that could come true, what would it be?" She asked eagerly her playfulness returned.
"We shouldn't wish our lives away," I said wistfully.
"Humor me."
If I had one wish…
As if it was something I ever had to take any time to ponder, but I felt selfish and guilty whenever I let my mind wander to this subject anymore. I let the emotions come to the surface though and opened up to her as I had all week.
"How can I ask for wishes when I have so much?" I said with a shake of my head and a crack in my voice. I continued.
"I have children. Six beautiful children. Edward, Rosalie, Emmett, Alice, Jasper and Bella. Each unique. Each mated perfectly to their other half. Each so special in their own way. I may not have borne them or raised them, but I love them so much.
"I have a granddaughter," I affirmed with a smile. "A miracle. My princess. Renesmee. For decades I thought the idea of her was impossible, but she has proved the impossible is possible. She is a beautiful young lady. To have watched her grow up and develop has been an incredible journey. It was shorter than I would have liked. I would have liked to watch her go off to school every day for years. She grew up so fast, but she is happy. I want happiness for her. Jacob makes her happy.
"I have my husband. Our lives are intertwined. There is no Esme without Carlisle. He is my partner, my best friend, my lover, the father to our children, and the leader of our family. It is my greatest honor to be Mrs. Cullen. I love him with all of my heart, and it doesn't feel like enough. He deserves more. He is so good, brilliant, kind, mostly perfect, and he deserves more love than my heart is capable of giving and it is giving it all to him. I will love him forever.
"So the one wish – the one wish would be something that he would want too. Something that I would share with my husband. There is so much that we can buy, we can share, and we can do with the endless amount of time available to us. But the one thing that eludes us, the one thing I have struggled with, even more so since Nessie came along, is that I am barren. We love our children so much, but to be able to carry his child, to become round with his baby inside me, to raise a son or daughter of our own… that would be the wish come true. I know now that it is me, my body, which has held him back. He could have been a father all this time, and he would be the greatest father that any child would ever know. He already is to the children we have, and he is the best grandfather…"
"You would wish to have a baby with Carlisle?" Khalida asked. Her playful tone had disappeared and when I looked at her I found her face to be quite serious.
"Yes, but it is never to be. I had accepted it. It had taken many years to accept it, and there were moments when the pain would creep up and go 'boo,' but for the most part I had become content with our adopted children. But when Renesmee surprised us all… You know now that I first met Carlisle when I was human. If I had just run into town that night instead of to the cliff, maybe he would have found me then. We would have struggled as Bella and Edward did, but things would have turned out similarly. Carlisle would have taken the same steps to save me as Edward did to save Bella. We would have our child and we would be together forever."
"But Edward and Bella wouldn't have taken the same risk. Would you have denied them Renesmee?" I thought I heard accusation in her tone.
"No," I affirmed. "No, of course not. I would not let my selfishness deny them their happiness… their family… their child."
"You have a great heart, Esme Cullen. One of the best I have ever seen, regardless of our kind." Khalida was so gravely serious that it barely seemed like her. "And your husband – he may be the best of our kind of all time. I have never met one such as he, and doubt I will meet one like him ever again. He is all good and compassion and care for his fellow creatures. He loves everyone, but his family more and you above all. You two deserve happiness and peace always."
"We have happiness. We have peace. We have love," I agreed. "What more do we need?"
"What you most desire."
I bit my lip then protested, "But it cannot be. It is too late for us. I accept that."
"And you mean that. I see that. It doesn't mean that you don't deserve more. That is my gift to give, Esme Anne Cullen."
"Your gift? What do you mean?" I asked with slight confusion.
"Your family is wondering where you are. They are preparing to depart," she said changing the subject as she stood up.
"Khalida! What gift?" I asked as I jumped to my feet.
She stepped forward until she was right in front of me. She took both my hands in her own and kissed my forehead.
"I have told you already. You take care of yourself, Mrs. Cullen. I will see you again soon enough."
Then Khalida was gone and I was standing in the woods alone and uneasy.
Author's Note
In September 2010, an idea popped into to my head that I wrote out called "If I Had One Wish." It was Esme talking to a mysterious unnamed figure about her only wish. That drabble, which I always thought would be a prologue to a bigger story, inspired "Miracles and Mischief." There's a link to "If I Had One Wish" on my profile page. If you have read it then I'm sure some of this chapter was familiar.
Thank you for the reviews! I know some indicated that they were excited about Esme telling her story. I chose not to write out her whole story because in my mind up nothing in her history is different than what I have written, and will write, in "The Esme Chronicles."
Thank you for reading! Make sure to check out Ask Esme Cullen on tumblr! The link is on my profile.
Thank you to my betas December LeNoir and sweetishbubble.
