Carlisle's POV
Esme was far away. Her mind was up in the sky with the full moon she was staring at as we traveled across the dark waters to her island.
Something was amiss.
I had not had a moment alone with Esme during our time in the rainforest. There were so many of us together that it would have been difficult, but my efforts to speak to her privately were rebuffed. She had spent much time to the point of near excess with our Amazonian friends, but even more so, and to my surprise, she kept disappearing into the forest with Khalida.
The news of the existence of a further variation of a child that was part vampire was a shock and meeting her was just incredible. Khalida was mysterious, but contrastingly was very open. She had a sweet disposition and was very bright. She also was talented, but to what full extent I did not know. All I did know what that she was enamored with my wife.
It was impossible not to fall in love with Esme. Her warmth, her beauty, her kindness, and her heart drew everyone to her. I had seen her charm so many over the decades. Why would Khalida be any different?
The difference should have been what Khalida was – the child of a vampire. It's not that I would have expected Esme to begrudge Khalida because she would never have, but I was certainly surprised by how much time they spent alone together.
I knew there had to be so much racing through Esme's head. Knowing her, she was reviewing the week and preparing what she wanted to talk about. It was often her way. She would talk to me when she was ready, but I couldn't help but speculate what the conversation would be.
Esme adored Renesmee. Our granddaughter was perfection and we couldn't imagine life without her once she existed. Her coming into being was the greatest miracle I had ever witnessed. We all acknowledged that, but that didn't mean that it was without consequences. It had caused Esme great emotional turmoil.
It was my greatest blessing that Esme loved me and agreed to become my wife. She wanted a family with me and by God we had one. There was more love, and more children, in our home that I could ever have begun to imagine when we said, "I do." Every addition to our family was a new blessing, but I always knew for how much we adored our children that what she wanted was the one thing I couldn't give her – a biological child. As vampires, our bodies frozen in time, we physically were unable to procreate. It was a burden we bore together until we discovered that our new daughter-in-law was pregnant.
In the chaos that followed Edward and Bella's arrival home from their honeymoon through the end of that year, there was little time to dwell on what was gnawing away deep inside me and my wife – if Edward could be a father then I could be too.
It didn't matter. It didn't change anything. I had no regrets. There was only one woman who I would have ever wanted as the mother of my children and she was on this boat with me and she was in fact the mother of my children.
Esme didn't see it in quite the same way.
It had been difficult for Esme to come to terms with the fact that she couldn't bear children in this life. At times the reality of it had haunted her throughout our marriage. I always was humbled that she wanted so badly to have a child with me. After the terrifying pregnancy was over and Renesmee had arrived she was overjoyed for her son, but she was also filled with "what if's" that were left to fester inside her for months as we dealt with other issues.
It wasn't until after our family was safe as it could be for the time being in early 2007 did the emotions start to rise. I knew something was off and suspected what it was. In late February I took her away for a couple days and then the dam burst.
"What if I had run into town that night instead of to the cliff? What if I had gone looking for you after my leg healed? What if I let you go so you can go be the father you should be? It's always been me holding you back."
"Esme, I don't see it that way and I will never see it that way. I love you and only you. I love our life and our family – our children and our granddaughter. I am the father I should be and you are their mother."
"It's not the same."
"No, it's not, but I wouldn't sacrifice any of it. I wouldn't give any of it up. I know it hurts. Don't think for a moment that I don't understand what you are feeling, but, my love, you have never held me back from anything. You have given me so much more than I have ever deserved."
"But I can't give you a child."
"We have six."
"One with your eyes and your nose. One of your own flesh and blood. You deserve that."
"And so do you, but that was not what was intended for us. If it was then you would have walked into Ashland that night and I would have run into you. I would have taken the exact same steps as Edward and would have been scared out of mind if you ended up pregnant just as Edward was over Bella. I might not have had the presence of mind to take the steps that were taken with Bella and I could have lost you then. I can't dwell on that not when I have had such a wonderful life with you."
She had so many ideas running through her head based on the fertility treatments that humans utilize. I made it very clear that I wouldn't experiment on her.
"In vitro isn't an option. First of all I can't get to your eggs without taking extreme measures and I won't hurt you or risk damaging you. Two, even if I could retrieve them there's the very real possibility that it is frozen in time and won't fertilize. Three, say we manage to get past the first two barriers, you can't carry it. Your body can't and won't physically change or has the ability to provide what a fetus needs to grow and a human surrogate is NOT an option. We saw what happened to Bella. I'm not willingly putting anyone through that, and in our case you are talking about two vampires. I doubt any human could survive such a child."
The look on her face had shattered my heart.
"Esme, I've run through it all in my mind so many times. I know how much you desire this and I want it too, but it is impossible."
For two days we hashed it out. She acknowledged at times that she was being unreasonable and I hurt for her pain, but I needed her to know, to understand, that this knowledge that I could potentially father a child had no bearing at all on our marriage or my feelings for her.
Part of it was that she had just need the release of talking or yelling about it with me. She needed to let out everything she had inside and I needed her honesty on the situation. I knew she didn't feel completely resolved when we headed home, but she was in a better place than we had arrived.
It had rarely come up again, but I was sure that it would be a theme of discussion on this trip now that we had met another child of a vampire. I knew old wounds had reopened.
I would listen. We would talk. I would comfort her, but I didn't want to spend the entire week dwelling on a situation that's circumstances when it came to "us" were the same as they were when I married her. The knowledge of Khalida's existence didn't do anything for us. Esme would never be able to grow round with our child. She would never give birth. She would never nurse our little one. We would never have a baby.
We had not had a week away just the two of us since the summer between Bella and Edward's junior and senior year at Forks High School. Since Renesmee was born, we hadn't been away from the family for more than three nights. We had spent almost a week on Isle Esme as a family before journeying into the rainforest. It had been a family vacation and it had been wonderful. Since we were already down this way our kids convinced us to take some time to ourselves and stay over longer while the family headed home.
We needed to take some time alone. I needed her.
We had said our goodbyes to them just a few hours ago when we parted ways in Rio de Janeiro. Esme had given me a few smiles and squeezes of reassurance, but after 90 years I would be a poor excuse for a husband if I didn't see the sadness she was trying to hide in her eyes. I had to erase the gloom. I didn't want to start this escape like this – silent, tense and sad.
We were nearing the shore and I steered in the direction of the small dock. It was then that I heard her.
I looked over at her again. Her face was still pointed toward the sky, but from her lips she hummed a wordless tune that she loved. She was trying to make amends and cheer up the atmosphere. She reached over to rest her hand on mine.
She reached the end of the song as we docked. I jumped out to tie up the boat before reaching back in to grab our few bags and take my wife's hand.
We walked silently hand in hand over the wooden planks and down onto the soft sand. She immediately kicked her shoes off and continued on. I looked over at her glowing in the moonlight. A light breeze lifted her hair and her scent filled my nostrils. I paused and she turned to look at me quizzically. It had been several weeks since we had any time alone and now we had plenty of alone and time.
I dropped the bags in the sand and pulled her to me with the hand that still grasped mine. I wrapped my free arm around her back and took the back of her head in my hand as I kissed her. She responded by leaning into me and placing her palm at the small of my back.
I didn't care that the villa was only twenty yards away or that the bedroom was only another few yards from that. I desired her here. I wanted her now. Damn the bed.
I scooped her up and had her back against the sand in an instant. Her mouth formed a little "Oh" of surprise, which was swiftly proceeded by her hand reaching into my hair and pulling my head and my lips back to hers.
There would be time to talk later.
Esme's POV
I looked over the top of my book at Carlisle's bare back and backside. I believe he was teasing me by wading out into the water just to midway up his behind and directly in my line of sight.
We had been traveling light on this trip. Although we had whatever we needed on the island we brought our two backpacks with us so as not to alarm TSA by traveling empty handed. Prior to 9/11 we used to think nothing of dropping everything and running off to the airport for a flight to Rio. If I chose to wrap myself in something other than Carlisle's limbs there were a few options in the closet.
We had been on the island twelve hours and so far so good.
Upon arriving we spent several hours rolling around on the sand in the moonlight before adjourning to the bedroom to pick up where we left off on the beach. It felt wonderful to have him all to myself with no possibility of interruption for the first time in a very long time.
I had gone over the multiple conversations with Khalida in my head on the silent journey across the ocean the evening before. What had she meant by her "gift" to give?
She was strange, but I liked her quite a lot and found myself at such ease with her. There was something off about her though and I couldn't take her remark at face value. It had to mean something else or maybe it was her odd way of teasing or her strange view of the world. Maybe she was just confirming my wish had come true with what I had – my six children who were still making their way home.
I stared at my husband as he let the waves lap at his body. The book was forgotten.
He was waiting for me to confess what was happening in my head. Last night had been his way of saying we don't have to talk about it now. I knew he was worried. After the last experience he had to be and rightfully so.
I felt the same frustrations I felt five years ago. It's what he knew to expect the moment Maysun made her declaration. I wasn't ready quite yet. I knew once I let it all out I would be like a wounded animal for a while. It had been so long since we had taken a break by ourselves and I wasn't ready for the pain-fest.
I wanted to enjoy a few more hours of this – laying on the beach and carefree even if we weren't so carefree below the surface.
"Hey, sparkly butt!" I called out to him and he looked over his shoulder with a grin.
"Yes, my dearest?"
"Stop teasing me," I grumbled with a wink.
"I was hoping to entice you into the water," he said with a slight shake of his behind.
I tossed the book aside and stood up, brushing the sand off as I walked toward the water's edge and began wading toward him.
"Next time just ask," I said as I closed in on him. When I was just a breath away I smacked him on the butt before diving below the surface knowing he would follow.
Esme's POV
Our skin was basked with orange tinges as we watched the sunset nestled in the hammock. We laid together, my head resting on his shoulder while his hand stroked my hair. My hand rested on his chest as I curled in toward him and felt his lips press against my forehead.
"I'm a selfish creature," I admitted.
Carlisle chuckled. "Hardly, my goddess. Why would you say such a thing?"
"Because I have so much and yet I keep pining for something that cannot be."
He was serious as he said, "Esme, you are not selfish. If anything I'm selfish for changing you and bringing you into this life – for coveting you."
Again I protested, "But I wanted to be coveted by you so you can hardly think yourself to be selfish when I wanted you, too."
"There's nothing I can do to change your body, which I think is perfect."
"It's not fair that we were designed to have such animalistic desire for each other – this incredible drive to mate, which for every other species leads to procreation. But no, not for us. We can screw like rabbits for eternity and your genetic material will forever ejaculate and swim into empty tubes while my eggs sit frozen and useless in the locked up safe called my ovaries. It's the curse of the female vampire – eternally post-menopausal, but with the sex drive of a 26 year old."
The air was still as I completed my rambling. His free hand moved to touch my arm.
"I know, darling. I know," he said softly, "I would give the world to have a Renesmee or a Khalida with you. The idea of a baby nestled in my arms with your eyes and ears."
"My ears?" I questioned with amusement.
"You have cute ears even if they don't always listen to me," he said with a teasing poke in my side.
"You think I'm being foolish," I said as a statement.
"No, I think you are being Esme."
"Should I just get over it? Accept what is and move on?" I asked my wise husband.
"I can't tell you to do that. All I can do is tell you what I always do – I love you and our children. If there was anything I could do to create a child that was biologically ours then I would. I'm always humbled that it is something you want so much and that I'm the one you want it with. The discovery of Khalida's existence doesn't change our situation and it doesn't change my feelings for you. You are my wife and the mother of our children - you are my world and I will never let you go," he said squeezing me.
"Thank you for loving me through my ridiculousness."
"You're not ridiculous," he insisted. "You have the biggest heart of anyone I have ever known. What you want is based on love – more love that you want to give and your love for me. We've gone around in circles on this so many times and I will go around again if that's what you need, but it doesn't change a thing."
"I know," I said quietly.
"What did you spend so much time talking to Khalida about?" Carlisle said against my temple attempting to move the conversation along.
"Everything," I answered honestly before adding with a laugh, "She's a very curious creature."
"She must have been considering I barely saw you this week."
I could hear the envy and the concern in his voice. He had been worried about me, and hurt that he couldn't get to me.
"She wanted to know about our family and me," I said trying to keep my last conversation with Khalida out of my head. I had pondered it too much.
"She spoke to everyone about you," he said, but that was no surprised to me.
"She said she did."
"She was enthralled with you. Did she ever indicate why?"
"Because I'm married to you," I said with a smile returning the poke.
"Ha ha," he said wryly.
"She wanted to know every wish and dream…" my voice wandered off as my mind drifted to my "one wish."
His fingers caught my chin and turned my face until my eyes met his. "Let's focus on reality and the things we are grateful for. I'll go first. I'm grateful for our wonderful family. I have six fantastic children, a beautiful granddaughter and a Jacob Black," he added with a grin.
"Well the legend may be true then," I said with a gasp.
"What legend hasn't already been true?" he asked not giving into my mania.
"The Quileute's – that they imprint on the person who best allows them to spread the wolf gene. We were wondering if it was true because we didn't know Renesmee's viability."
I could see him processing this thought, although there was something in his eyes that indicated that the thought had already crossed his mind.
"But if she can have children then there's the chance that they could…what would they be?"
I couldn't help, but giggles as the first thing that popped into my mind came blurting out of my mouth. "Vampwolf puppy children?"
"Esme," he chided but I continued.
The giggles wouldn't stop. "A child that turns into a dog at the threat of his grandparents, but then can also hunt wolves for a meal? We'll have to go live in the wilderness while the great grandpuppies are maturing."
While I was laughing at myself, Carlisle was serious as she said, "She may not choose Jacob."
I was immediately sobered and insisted, "She will."
"We don't know that."
It was my turn to provide him with solace as I touched his cheek. "If we've learned anything, Carlisle, we can't deny fate. It will always rule our lives. I give them three years before they are madly in love and five before they are married and a baby is on the way."
He shook his head. "My mind just doesn't want to go there yet. She's still a little girl."
"It has to soon enough, Dr. Cullen. She'll need you. We know things will not be normal if they mate between the species and the chromosomes. As unique as Ness is, any children she has with Jacob will be a blessing and be different. "
"And there's nothing I can do for now but support my granddaughter's decisions. There are no legends to track down regarding vampire hybrids bearing the children of shape shifters. We'll deal with what may happen when it happens. When it comes to the legend, they shift to protect humans against vampires so I think the whole idea of them imprinting to carry on the bloodline went out the window when his genetics told him to set his sights on the daughter of a vampire. There's something incongruent there."
"True, but I still believe in fate," I said as I relaxed back into his embrace.
He began his gratitudes again. "I'm grateful that fate gave me my gorgeous wife who's resting in my arms with her leg on my thigh."
I chortled as his hand slid down over my hip.
"I'm grateful that my husband isn't going to wear a stitch of clothing for the rest of the week," I said with a smirk.
"I'm not?"
"No, you're not."
"I'm grateful to have to have six more sunsets alone with the most beautiful woman in existence when I can cuddle with her and pick her brilliant brain."
"I'm grateful for my island, my children, my grandchild…and your hands."
"These hands?" he asked as he lifted them to look at them.
"Mmm, those hands," I said as I turned into him and began planting kisses on his chest as those hands slid down my back, one coming to rest on my behind as I began to slide myself further on top of him.
As my lips touched his I felt the smirk they were making.
"What?" I asked as I looked down into his amused eyes.
"You know whenever we try to do this in the hammock it always ends up a disaster."
"That's what makes it a challenge," I said triumphantly.
His hands caught my cheeks. "It's been so long since we have been alone and even though we have almost a week left our time is still limited. I love resting in this with you. I'd rather not risk breaking it tonight."
"Fine," I said as I began to climb out as the sun was now lower than the horizon. When I was on my feet he was instantly behind me, his hands wrapped around my stomach.
For a moment I was flooded with the thought of Khalida's words as my husband's hands rested over my forever empty womb.
"What is it?" he asked, sensing my distress.
Be grateful for what you have like this man who adores you unconditionally, I thought. You can't change, but he loves you always just the way you are.
"Nothing," I said as I turned to face him. "I was just still playing the grateful game in my head."
"Let's go inside and I will explore every inch of what I'm most grateful for," he said as he took my hand and lead me into our home.
I slid my hand over my belly once more as I entered our room ahead of him.
Your dream came true. Stop wishing for things that cannot be and live for what you have.
I turned around and let myself be swept into the waiting arms of my reality – the most incredible man on earth who waited centuries for me and for that I would be forever grateful.
Author's Notes: THANK YOU for your love and your patience. I never expected it to take so long to complete this chapter. Breaking Dawn and the holidays took over the end of 2011 for me. I appreciate everyone checking in and the reviews. I hope you enjoyed this new chapter I hope I don't have to make you wait so long again.
I've currently nominated for four Sunflower Awards. One is for The Sunflower Storyteller Award given for "the author whose writing brightens up your day," Best Humor Story for "The Rocky Horror Cullen Halloween Show," Best Esme for "The Esme Chronicles: The Vampire Years," and Best Romance Story for "Miracles and Mischief!" Thank you for the nominations! Voting begins January 29. The link to The Sunflower Awards can be found on my profile page under "Latest News."
Thank you to my fabulous betas on this story DecemberLeNoir and sweetishbubble.
