Carlisle's POV

"Come in," I called out in response to the knock at the door of my study.

"Carlisle," Jasper said with a nod as he came into the room. He paused when he reached the edge of my desk. "Do you have time for a walk?"

Time for a walk. When anyone in my family asked to go for a walk that more often than not meant they wanted to have a conversation that was not for one or more of their siblings or mother's ears.

Most recently it had been Emmett whom I walked with. Two days after Esme and I returned from Isle Esme I found myself in the forest with him. I wasn't surprised when he had asked me to go for a stroll. We both had wives who would do anything to be a mother and I knew Khalida had to have an effect on Rosalie, too.

"How's Esme doing?" Emmett asked.

"She's better now than she was a week ago."

"I knew that vacation was not going to start off how you hoped it would," he said regretfully.

I remembered the first night on the beach and joyfully said, "It didn't start off badly."

"That's my man!" Emmett replied with a jovial thud on my back.

"But, she had a rough go of it, too," I said soberly.

"That's too bad," he said, his mood changing to match my own.

"How's Rosalie handling it?"

"Her way. It's different for her," he said with a shrug.

"In what way?"

"Her relationship with squirt. Rose is an aunt, friend and sometimes pseudo mom to Ness. Over the last few years, she's embraced what she has in that relationship as it has grown and not pined as much for things that can't be. Esme embraces it too, but she's grandma, which is a different dynamic. Esme adores Ness, but it's created more heartache for her by reminding her of what's not possible."

"I can't deny that Esme's still hurting," I said. "She's distracted by it. I can see it on her face and in her eyes. She knows that I love her and what we have together with every fiber of my being. I can't refuse her anything, but at the same time she has never made an unreasonable request of me. I'm the one who lavishes her with ridiculous gifts that she would be perfectly content without."

"Hey, but Carlisle, sorry to digress, but Esme may have been content without ever having an island named after her, but man, when you gave her that, you eternally handicapped me and Jasper," he said, trying to bring some levity to the conversation. "We'll never be able to top that, although you two certainly deserve the retreat for putting up with all of us."

"It's never 'putting up,' Emmett," I assured him. "You are our family – our children for all intents and purposes. We love you all. But what I was saying is that the one thing she wants, that is ridiculous because it is impossible, and that is the hardest thing. There is nothing I can do."

"Carlisle, it's not our fault and Esme doesn't blame you," he tried reasoning with me. "Esme may be frustrated with her own body or mad that her body can't do what she wants it to do – have your kid. She may even be filled with lots of 'what ifs?' Don't beat yourself up over not being able to give her a 'gift' of a baby. Esme is a smart woman and she's not foolish enough to look at you and think that it's your fault. As for Rose, she's a smart woman, too, but she blames you for some stuff, which is nothing new to you. Ness really has made not being able to have her own easier on her. Ness has healed Rose's heart in many ways that I never could. Now when Ness is fully grown and less in need of guidance, I'm prepared for Rose to revert back to how she felt before Ness. I don't know that it will necessarily happen, and Rose is anything but predictable."

"I'm happy to hear that you feel Ness has healed Rosalie's heart," I said, glad to hear that my eldest daughter had made such positive progression.

"I wish Esme was affected the same way," Emmett said ruefully.

"So do I," I said with the same tone.

"She'll be alright," Emmett said trying to reassure me. "Esme's a survivor and a fighter."

She was both of those things and I knew that was what held her together sometimes when I wasn't enough.

That was a little over three weeks ago.

My mind returned to Jasper standing in front of me.

"Always," I responded to his question, closing my laptop. I followed him out the room, down the stairs and out the front door. I wondered what was on his mind, but knew as we took off running, that I would know when we slowed back down once we are out of range of anyone over hearing.

Within a few minutes we slowed to a strolling pace. We made small talk for a little bit before I decided to push us along to discuss whatever was on his mind.

"What's concerning you, Jasper?" I asked.

"Esme," he stated pointblank.

My head whipped around to look at him, but his eyes were focused on the trees ahead of us, his face calm.

"What about her?" I asked with unease.

"She's off," he affirmed.

"What do you mean, 'off?'"

Jasper chose his words and glanced at me as he spoke. "Whenever I feel down I know if I get within some proximity of Esme I'm probably going to get the lift I need. Her emotions – her energy, is so positive and full of love and life that it just exudes from her. Now don't get me wrong, she has her ups and downs too, but there's a certain broad spectrum of emotions that after so many years living together I am use to identifying with Esme.

"Ever since you returned from Brazil I've felt something different from her. I figured she had a tough go with Khalida."

"Emmett said he expected it too, but there was surprisingly little fall out with Rosalie."

"Rosalie just turned her focus to Ness. She's gotten better at working through her pain," Jasper confirmed.

"That's good to hear. I'm very proud of her."

"I think we all are, but I'm not worried about Rosalie at the moment."

"You're worried about Esme?" I acknowledged.

"She's felt melancholy, weary, and just…I don't know…weird," he said with a peculiar look on his face.

"Weird?"

"Esme is so giving of her emotions, but her concern has been internalized."

I knew I was giving him a blank look. What was he saying?

He sighed and said, "She's worried about herself."

"Over what?" My voice broke slightly.

"I was hoping you could shed some light on the subject, Carlisle. She's your wife," he said as he met my eyes again.

I thought through my experience with Esme over the last several weeks as I said, "We talked through a lot of her pain about the existence of a different kind of hybrid child while on the island. I knew she would be dealing with it for a while, but to me she seems to be doing quite well. You're making it sound like her emotions are in contradiction to her behavior."

"That would seem to be the case. Has Edward said anything to you?" I could hear his curiosity.

"No," I confirmed with a shake of my head. "But after so much time together, Esme has gotten very good at burying her thoughts if she doesn't want Edward to know what's on her mind."

"She can hide her thoughts, but not her emotions," Jasper said offhandedly.

"I would say she's very good at hiding her feelings from everyone except you," I said with more bitterness than I intended.

"Don't be angry, Carlisle," Jasper said and I could feel his wave of calm wash over me. "Esme must have her reasons, but all the same, it is odd behavior for her."

"I should go talk to her," I said starting to turn around, but Jasper grabbed my arm to stop me.

"Don't ambush her. It will probably be better to have the discussion when we're not around. Emmett, Rosalie, Alice and I are going to the movies tomorrow. I can tell Edward to head back to the cottage a little early tomorrow so you two can have some alone time."

"Thank you, Jasper," I said gratefully.

"It's no problem at all. Just let me know if there's anything I can do to help. We all love Mom very much and we want her to be okay."

I hugged Jasper to thank him. "And I am truly grateful for your care for her and for telling me this."

I released him and we turned to start heading back. A curious though popped into my mind as we walked.

"Does Alice ever feel like Esme and Rosalie do about children?"

He shook his head and said, "Alice enjoys taking care of people in her way, but she just doesn't have the motherly desire that Esme and Rosalie do. She is extremely content being an aunt. But that's all she knows. She didn't bring the human yearning to be a mother into this life as Esme and Rosalie did. If she had that desire she doesn't remember it and it wasn't ingrained in her psyche."

"How do you feel about it?" I asked.

"Similar to you and Emmett – envious of Edward," he said seriously. "He has an offspring and not one through venom or choice, but his actual flesh and blood. Whether he could appreciate it or not, he watched the woman he loves grow and change with his child inside her. He can look at that girl and see his wife's human eyes and his cheek bones and countless other combinations of him and Bella. The idea of having our own child is impossible, but if it were I would gladly raise a child or five with Alice."

"Five?" I was surprised by the high number.

"You've got six," Jasper teased. "And I grew up around big families. I would expect to have a lot of kids, but I guess it's easier this way. You and Emmett have to deal with your own feelings and your wives about not being able to procreate. Since Alice doesn't care, I just have to deal with my own and I don't have to burden her with it."

"I'm sure she would be happy to help shoulder the load," I assured him.

"I know, but those tiny shoulders don't need me weighing them down. If Alice is content then I'm content."

"Alice is much stronger than she looks," I noted.

"Don't I know it," Jasper said with a grin.


It was right below the surface and I felt like a fool for not noticing it before. There was something in her countenance, her movements, her eyes that was slightly off as Jasper had suggested. I realized looking back that I had perceived some of the oddities, but just attributed it to her sadness over our lack of fertility. It really was different though.

I sat in the living room half reading the medical journal in my hands, but really watching Esme. She had her sketch pad on her lap, her eyes locked on the page in front of her as her hand moved over it with the pencil. Every so often she would pause and rub her eyes. It was an unusual movement for her. She was concentrating so hard.

"Do I really have to do this now?" Ness whined loudly as she plopped down at the dining table after she had her lunch.

"Yes," Bella demanded putting several books down on the table. "You haven't worked on language skills in a week."

Renesmee touched her mother's face, but Bella shook her head and pulled away. "I don't care that it's not raining and you want to go outside. Two hours of Portuguese. Now."

She looked out toward the living room where Edward was sitting with pleading eyes. I looked at him and for a moment I saw his urge to give in, but then he steeled himself. "Ness, do your homework and think about how much better you'll be able to get by the next time we go to Brazil."

Renesmee let out the biggest dramatic teenaged sigh before opening her workbook.

Jacob skirted past teacher and pupil and sat down on the couch with the newspaper. I buried my nose back in my journal.

Twenty-two minutes later the dryer buzzed. Esme rose silently to retrieve the laundry. A minute later she was back in the room with a basket full of sheets under her arm. She picked up her sketch book and threw it on top of the bedding then headed up the stairs.


An hour later I had moved onto the newspaper that Jacob had discarded in favor of a nap. Edward had exchanged his book for the piano. Renesmee and Bella still were hard at work.

Edward was tinkering away when he started chuckling.

"What's so funny?" Bella called out in Portuguese before I could ask the question.

"I'm sorry. It's Esme. Her mind is wandering in a very strange fashion." He looked over at me. "Has she said anything about trying her hand at caricatures?"

"No, although I'm sure she would be very good at it."

"She's thinking about animated versions of the family. It's quite peculiar, and she seems to be focused on that and nothing else."

I folded up the paper remembering the concentration in her eyes as she drew earlier. "I think I'll go find out why she's making cartoon characters out of us."

I called her name gently as I approached our bedroom, but received no response. The door was open, and I was surprised when I found her lying on our bed in the middle of the afternoon.

"Esme, Edward said you are having some very animated thoughts, and I came to see why you are thinking about us in terms of cartoons." There was no response. The piano playing downstairs stopped.

"Esme?" I said louder, but she didn't move.

I rushed to the bed, calling her name again. Edward entered the room. Her eyes were closed and her mouth hung loose. I shook her shoulder gently as I would to rouse a patient. Her eyes slowly blinked open, and she looked surprised to see me.

What was wrong with her?


Author's Notes

Thank you to my betas SweetishBubble and DecemberLeNoir!

I'm already working on the next chapter so you shouldn't have to wait too long to learn what is "wrong" with Esme, but I'm sure this scenario is familiar to you.

"Miracles and Mischief" is up for the Sunflower Award for Best Romance Story! Thank you for the nomination! The URL for voting is on my profile page under "Latest News." As you may have noticed, this site has temporarily deactivated all links on profile pages so you will have to copy and paste the link into a new window. "The Esme Chronicles: The Vampire Years" is nominated for Best Esme, and "The Rocky Horror Cullen Halloween Show" is nominated for Best Humor Story. I'm also honored to be up for The Sunflower Story Award given for "the author whose writing brightens up your day," which is awarded by the judges.

Thank you for your love and support of my work. It means the world to me. XOXO, Amy