The plot thickens! This is by far the longest chapter I've written, so be ready for endless scrolling. Many thanks to everyone reading this story! May I suggest that when you read Descole and Layton's lines when they are babies, imagine them being said in their normal adult voices. I mean you don't have to, but it makes things funnier and cooler in my opinion...
There it was, five-thousand feet above him – the cliff that nearly killed Jean Descole. Many objects in this story had nearly killed Descole, but this cliff was the most dreadful for what was at the top – one time machine, that fucking Thomas the Tank Engine toy, and the upcoming moment where Layton learns the dark truth about our hero.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit. He's going to kill me. He's going to fucking kill me. He's going to choke me with my boa and then he's going to stick the boa up my ass and pull my asshole out of my asshole and then he's going to make me solve A Duck of Tiles as I lie bleeding in my own grave.
"Descolay, are you okay? You're sweating through your suit and your feathers are molting. You look like you just had a dark premonition."
"Shut up. I don't think you should climb this cliff with me. It's too dangerous and you'd slow me down with your stupid tapping for hint coins."
"Nonsense! A gentleman needs his exercise from sitting on his ass and drinking tea all day!"
"Again with the gentleman thing," Descole rolled his invisible eyes. "Maybe it's a good thing you're going to kill me."
Despite Descole's numerous attempts to get his gentleman caller off his dick ("the sun is too bright", "I have a bun in the oven" and "you need to have solved ten million puzzles to get past this cliff"), Layton would not decline. He was curious to see where his Thomas the Tank Engine toy had been after all these years, and how Descole knew where to find it.
While they were busy climbing, Clark and Brenda stayed at home in case they'd hear anymore words from Luke's kidnappers. Strangely enough, Jonathan was nowhere to be found. A call was dispatched to the police, but the police told Descole and his friends that they would have to call back tomorrow because they already filed one missing persons report that day.
So far, he and Layton had climbed two feet. This was two feet too many for Descole.
"I can't do this anymore! I keep touching rocks and this climbing gear is messing with my junk!"
"Just a little bit farther, Descolay. We're almost….H-Hey! What the fuck are you doing?!"
Descole threw off his gear and straddled himself onto Layton's back.
"I'm going to ride on your back for the rest of the way. It's only fair since you rode me two nights ago."
Four feet up.
"Fuck this, I'm getting the Laytonmobile."
For once in this story, Descole understood logic.
"You can't just drive up a cliff, Hershel. The rocks will poke holes into your tires."
"Watch this, bitch."
Layton made a daring four-foot jump, with Descole still on his back. Amazing.
Descole held up a score card with the number ten on it.
The Laytonmobile was parked in a lot under the cliff. The lot wasn't there in the second chapter, but Descole did not question it because, after building a time machine as a baby and being transported to a world where dinosaurs guard banks and castles are found for free on Craigslist, he knew that nothing ever made sense anymore.
Vroom vroom!
To Descole's surprise, the Laytonmobile actually was able to drive up the cliff - and pretty fast, too!
"There's nothing this baby can't do," Layton purred as he rubbed the dashboard rather excitedly. Descole wondered if Layton had ever made love to the Laytonmobile before.
There are no road signs or speed limits on the edges of cliffs, so Layton floored it. They'd be at the top in less than a minute.
One second, two seconds, three seconds…
Descole remembered the promise Layton made about his Thomas the Tank Engine toy the morning after they had banged.
When I find that person, I will rip his balls off.
Aware of the unpropitious outcome, Descole patted his groin as if he was saying goodbye.
"Ha ha, I do that sometimes when I'm in here too," smiled Layton.
Thirty seconds, thirty-one seconds…
Number two hundred and fifty-two on Descole's bucket list specified to stick his head outside the window of a moving car like a doggy. Seeing as this was his last chance before his bloody ball-less end, he stuck his head out of the Laytonmobile as far as he could. His puppy ears whipped freely in the wind, and he slobbered. He slobbered like he was the happiest damn dog on the planet.
Fifty-eight seconds, fifty-nine seconds…
Layton parked the car on top of the cliff.
"Descolay, I need to tell you something important before we get out of the Laytonmobile."
"Uh, okay," Descole mumbled and put the shoe he was going to hit Layton over the head with back onto his foot.
"I was this close to breaking up with your skinny ass because you're stupid and annoying, but…"
Itty bitty drops of water began to swell under Layton's ittier bittier eyes.
"But today," he continued in tears, "Today you have led me to the thing I've wanted more than anything in the world to see again – my Thomas. You have proven to me that you are a man worth fighting and loving for -"
Descole hit Layton over the head with his shoe and hopped out of the Laytonmobile.
It was funny how time stood still when Descole's eyes met with the machine where time means nothing at all. Just why did that time machine turn him into a sexy full grown man when he entered it as a baby? A baby genius could never have built a faulty time machine, so what was the trick here?
What the fuck ever, he shrugged it off. It's probably not important at all.
He pulled the flux capacitor – no – he pulled Thomas from a crack in the machine and turned back around.
"You son of a bitch's bitch."
The shoe had not knocked out Layton as Descole hoped it would.
"I-it's all a dream, Hershel!" Descole stepped back. "Go back to sleep!"
But Layton knew it wasn't a dream. He only dreamt in puzzles.
Fists clenched, Layton approached Descole and the time machine. The brim of his top hat hid his eyes, and a menacing shadow of pure darkness seized the top of his face. It was shit-in-your-pants horrifying.
"Just who the fuck are you?" Layton breathed heavily. It almost seemed like his flared nostrils were doing the talking, but nostrils don't talk.
It was time to come forward, and Descole had to do it in the most theatrical way possible. He cackled like a male witch (called warlocks), spun around and poofed his boa to look more intimidating, and it almost actually worked.
"My name is Jean Descole, and I am the baby who stole your Thomas the Tank Engine toy."
(Someone nearby was playing a pipe organ. It was a rather catchy tune. Descole made a mental note to find the pipe organ player later and ask if he could use the song as his theme.)
"I should have known it was you! The signs were right in front of me this whole time, but I was tricked by your sexiness! You are an evil, evil man, Jean Descole."
These words that Layton spoke triggered something in Descole, past his internal organs and into his psyche. There was another man inside of Descole, figuratively speaking.
"Ha! Now that you've said it, being evil sounds really fun! I guess I'm going to be a villain now so bye."
"You may be evil now, but I'm still tearing off your balls!"
The professor's arm lunged at his enemy's groin, but Descole dodged Layton by pulling off a sick, inhuman flip. He landed behind Layton like a fucking cat and meowed.
"Too slow!"
(For the record, this author did not steal this scene from the movie called Professor Layton and the Eternal Diva because none of the characters in the movie were grabbing at each other's crotches, at least not on camera.)
"How the fuck did you do that?" Layton gasped. "That was actually really cool."
"It doesn't matter. I'm a villain now. I can do anything I want. And as for this hunk of junk…"
He swung the precious Thomas in front of Layton, creating the fear that it could be thrown off the cliff at any moment.
"I could just destroy the stupid thing with my bare hands or even with my sharp canine teeth, but I have a more evil plan than that."
"What could possibly be more evil than breaking my heart?"
Thomas' life was spared, but not for nothing.
Breaking Layton's heart was no longer of any concern to Descole, but getting inside that time machine was. He ran around in circles until Layton was too dizzy to go after him, then he placed the flux capacitor into its slot and boarded the time machine.
"I'm going to the biblical times to convince everyone that I'm Jesus. Bye, bitch!"
The ground rumbled as the time machine did its thing, and the impact sent the Laytonmobile flying off the cliff.
"Oh COME ON, DESCOLE!"
In case you didn't know, time machines are more advanced than elevators. In time machines, you can choose what waiting music you'd like to listen to. Descole chose the futuristic genre "space alien dragon funk", and practiced his villain laugh.
"Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha HA ha! No, wait…HA HA ha HA!"
The bell rang and the time machine's automatic door opened.
"Ha HA ha HA – OH GOD DAMN IT!"
Descole was teleported back to the ear ringing, poopy diaper scented nursery where his journey started thirty years ago.
"I can't breathe! I can't breathe!"
The transformation from baby to sexy man to baby again was never convenient for Descole's fashion choices. The clothes he had been wearing were now too large (save for his favorite baby cape that he wore over his man cape.) He struggled to find his way out of the feathery boa nest.
"I can't breeeeeeeeeeaaaaaathe!"
A fellow baby's hand reached into the boa to rescue Descole. Though it hurt his pride to rely on and come in physical contact with a baby lower than himself, he held onto to that baby's hand for his dear life. He did not want to die in such a dishonorable place where parents drop their babies off when they want to have alone time and make more babies. (This actually wasn't the case for the other parents, just Descole's parents.)
"Thank you for saving me, you piece of shit baby. Go grab me a diaper. My behind is cold."
Descole snapped his fingers, and his hero baby fetched him a fresh, new unstinky diaper.
"Powder my bottom."
Again, the other baby complied. Descole was starting to think he found a suitable replacement for Jonathan.
"Now be my slave and help me fix this time machine so I can get the hell out of here."
The other baby helped willingly, but kept a steady eye on the machine, as if he was looking for something on it. It wasn't until Descole passed the screwdriver that his eyes met with those of his slave baby's.
It was none other than Hershel the Professor Layton, and Hershel the Professor Layton never forgot when Descole stole his favorite toy (which literally only happened minutes ago in his time.)
"I'm going to eat your butt and set it on fire," said the baby Layton.
(Remember that babies can only talk telepathically, all except for genius babies like Descole.)
Descole struggled to restart the time machine, but the baby Layton dragged him out by his legs and started punching him in the eyes. Without his mask on for defense, these punches landed critical blows.
If Descole's weakness were his unmasked eyes, this must mean that Layton, unequipped with his trademark top hat, would be most vulnerable to blows to the head. Thinking fast, Descole grabbed a plastic toy hammer and bonked Layton on the head repeatedly.
A swarm of curious babies crowded around Descole and Layton to watch the riot, cheering and shouting very non-baby like suggestions.
"Eat his fucking heart!"
"Send him to naptime forever!"
"Collect his tears in a bottle and squirt his tears into his eyes!"
The sadistic babies were not the only ones in the nursery screaming. That horrible woman who tried to make a fool out of Descole before was writhing on the playroom floor, blinded by orange juice and yelling, "I CALLED YOUR PARENTS! I CALLED YOUR PARENTS!"
The nursery was utter shit fuck chaos.
German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said "when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you." That quote doesn't actually have anything to do with this story, but Descole did get the chance to gaze into Layton's eyes when they called for a Gatorade break before the fight's second round.
He forgot how small, round and exotic they were. He loved the way they never changed to match Layton's expressions, and he loved when he couldn't tell which direction Layton was looking at, especially in bed.
Descole's heart fluttered and his stomach growled, hungry for those eyes.
"Baby Hershel, before you punch my eyes into dust, I have to say something emotional."
"You've got thirty seconds," Layton warned, his telepathic voice vibrating from a massage he was receiving from one of the referee babies.
"Because I only have thirty seconds, I will make this my abridged speech."
Descole cleared his throat.
"My name Jean Descole…I stole toy…future…you me meet…touched your nipple…gay sex…me love you."
Layton threw his finished bottle of Gatorade to the floor and smashed it with his foot.
"I'd never have gay sex with you!"
"Yeah well you did, and because me love you, I will do anything in the world to make up for stealing your favorite toy."
"Can I just have my Thomas toy back?"
"Uh, no. Sorry. That's the one thing I can't do. And now that you've brought it up, I'm going to set the nursery on fire."
Just like that, the villain had sunk back into Descole. He yanked Thomas out of the time machine and hid it safely in his diaper, making it the second time he'd stolen Layton's toy. (It was a crime punishable by five minutes of time out.) His next move was to crawl to the toy box, where he found a pack of matches. The powers of fire and destruction were now in his pudgy hands, and he realized it was the perfect moment to premier his perfected villain laugh to the world.
"Fssssh ha ha ha ha HA HA ha ha HA! Wait, what?"
The pack of matches slipped out of Descole's grasp when two hands with horrendous faux finger nails picked him off the ground. He looked up and saw Mr. and Mrs. Descole, also known as Descole's parents.
"Jeany, your father and I were having a great time until we got a call from the day care saying you were being a very bad boy! You are in big big big big big big big trouble, young man!"
"No!" Descole struggled to free himself from his mother's arms, pounding his fists on her shoulders. "Put me down, you sons of bitches! WAAAAAH! WAAAAAH!"
Congratulations on getting this far. I can't believe you're still reading this. Go take a break. Order a pizza or go to the bathroom. Look at a few deslay amvs on Youtube while you wait for your pizza. Is your pizza here? Okay, good. Please continue.
One baby year prior (which is equal to one adult year), Descole had been invited to a birthday party. Technically, it was his parents who were invited to the party, but his mother's fake fingernails ripped off the part of the invitation that said p. s. DO NOT BRING YOUR BASTARD CHILD!
Cake had been served at the party, and Descole made it his mission to score the biggest piece. When the man serving the cake said that all the pieces were the same size and that everyone should wait for their turns, Descole had gone ballistic. He hopped onto the picnic table and stomped on the cake, destroying it to smithereens. The entire party had been called off, and it wasn't until his parents locked him in the closet that he had realized, Hey, I really wanted to eat that cake.
Rational was not a word in Descole's ABC's book. The incident with the cake had been no different than what happened in the nursery. At present, he wanted to board that time machine and get out of there as fast as he could, but somewhere along the line he had tried to burn it down instead.
With time to cool down in his parents' minivan, he reconstructed his thoughts. He was going to return to that damned nursery, and he was going to repair that time machine. It would now be easier than ever to convince everyone he was Jesus because he was a baby. (He'd just push the real baby Jesus out of the manger when no one was looking.)
He wasn't going anywhere in his safety seat though. It was physically impossible for an infant to bust through the seatbelt. Most young children would give up the fight and cry the rest of the way home, but this is never the case for a genius baby.
"Mommy? Daddy? My seatbelt's too tight."
Mr. Descole pulled over the car so that Mrs. Descole could readjust the safety seat. When she unbuckled the seatbelt, little Descole broke loose. He pushed his parents out of the vehicle and drove away.
People on the road were in shock. It was the first time in history that a baby had driven a car! A couple of news vans tried to keep up behind him, but he was too fast. Nobody could stop him now, except for the crossing guard directing traffic in the street.
Descole honked his horn for the guard to move.
"Come on, asshole! We've all got places to be!"
The guard turned around and Descole couldn't believe his eyes. It was Jonathan!
Before Descole could muster any words like, "Do you wanna see me do some donuts?" Jonathan let himself in the van and pulled out a crumpled up piece of paper from his pocket.
"Master, I'm going to need you to follow these directions."
The map was a straight line from one X to another X.
It was strange to be the one driving for a change. Though Descole was an excellent minivan driver, his skills could never outmatch Jonathan and his carriage. Both of them knew this, but Jonathan was humble and complimented Descole on his driving, and even suggested that he should try stick shift some time. Though he often gave him a hard time, Descole liked Jonathan. He was, after all, the only person able to put up with his bullshit.
"Jonathan, how do you know who I am? We've only ever met in the future."
"All will be explained in due time."
The directions followed to a shitty, run-down abandoned movie theater. The place was inches thick of dust and littered with ticket stubs. The only movie title on the signboard was The Wizard of Oz, except some cheeky bloke stole and rearranged its letters so it only said "THE AZZ."
"Cool. What movie are we going to see?"
Jonathan showed Descole a roll of film he kept hidden in his cross guard vest.
"We're going to see the future."
They grabbed their drinks and popcorn and took their seats. The glass behind the projector cracked when the THX logo played, and then the film began.
"This isn't Back to the Future. Fuck this!"
Descole got up to leave. He was nearing the exit when he heard Layton's voice.
"Where are you, Layton? I'm going to rip your head off with my teeth!"
He crawled furiously under the seats to find Layton to teach him a lesson about… Well, he really didn't have a lesson to teach, but he still wanted to rip Layton's head off regardless.
"No one can crawl away from the great Jean Descole! Nothing can divert me from my prey!"
His hand touched a wad of bubblegum underneath one of the seats, and he became stuck to it like glue. It was the heat of the chase, and his only plausible solution was to bite off his arm.
As he was gnawing on his arm, he heard Layton speak again. This time he was saying, "Can you let me out of this fucking cage? I have like, twenty classes to teach right now."
Layton was not in the theater. He was in the film. Thankfully, it wasn't the sex tape he and Layton had made that was playing. This was the future that Jonathan wanted Descole to see, the future that he had run away from.
He paid closer attention to the film. Caged up and looking absolutely pissed off, adult Layton was being held prisoner by the mafia that Descole had several altercations with. There was fire lit around the cage, but these were just very bad special effects that Jonathan wanted to add to the film. Still, Descole couldn't tell.
"Good, they're going to barbeque him. I hope he's delicious."
The film ended with Layton shouting, "HEY! DON'T TOUCH THAT PUZZLE!" and the credits rolled.
DIRECTOR: JONATHAN
PRODUCER: JONATHAN
LAYTON: PROFESSOR LAYTON
CAGE DONATED BY PETSMART
JONATHAN
Descole didn't clap because he was still stuck to the gum on the floor, but he wouldn't have clapped anyway.
"Master, do you know why I showed this to you?"
"Because you wanted to waste my time?"
"Once your gentleman friend mentioned building a gun with his stolen Thomas the Tank Engine, I knew that something bad was going to happen. I left without notice to hide the money you've illegally obtained in case something were to happen to you. These bad gangster people kidnapped the small male child and now they've kidnapped your gentleman friend! They won't let them go unless they get your money! I could have given them the money when I went to film the video, but I knew that giving up the money would not be in your best interests. We have to save them without giving them money!"
This was a hell of a lot for Descole to take in, but not a hell of enough to make him care.
"I'm a villain now so I could care less. And besides, Layton's not my friend anymore. Now he's just somebody that I used to know."
"If your gentleman friend dies, the puzzle market will take a critical plunge!"
"So?"
"The economy will crash!"
"So?"
"The world will end!"
"Shit, I can't take over the world if there isn't a world to begin with! Release me from this bubblegum trap at once!"
Jonathan picked a couple peanuts out of his pocket and mixed them with the buttered popcorn, inventing peanut butter. He lathered the peanut butter onto Descole's hand, and he was freed.
As they walked back to the minivan, Descole asked Jonathan, "Why does it even matter to save the future if I'm back in the past now? Why is the future still happening?"
Jonathan shook his head.
"Laddie….. You fucked up the universe."
