A/N: So...wow. It's been a while. And I feel bad. But, let it be noted that this is an incredibly long chapter and I...yeah, I'm not going to make excuses. I had writers block which was fueled by my scary American Lit. teacher. But it seems to be slowly lifting now. I have plans for this baby and I have about three new ideas for other stories. Man, I love Fan Fiction and its openness to my creepy obsession with fictional characters.
I said a couple chapters ago that I wasn't going to make this a really M rated thing. And it's still not overly graphic and vulgar, but there is a little bit of sexiness in here. Okay, more than a little bit. I'm just tired of trying make these characters unhappy. Lauren Oliver can keep them all sad and depressing, but I want them to be together and happy.
So, without further adieu, here is Chapter 4. If you feel up for a review, go ahead. I don't crave them, but they do make me happy. I actually squealed the four times I got an email saying someone reviewed. Basically, thank you so much to everyone has read this and especially thanks to the four wonderful people who reviewed. It gives me the inspiration to write, knowing that people are waiting for what happens next. I have so much power here it's kind of scary...
Above everything and anything, including reviewing and whatnot, please just enjoy this story. If you don't, I'm so terribly sorry for wasting your time. But if you do, then thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. ENJOY!
The Guilty Ones
Feet find the door in the dark, shuffling along. I slam the it open and jump the steps, hearing as it smacks the side of the trailer. Alex must have heard it because I faintly register the sound of someone following me. I take two steps, just two, before the feeling takes me up in its grasp.
I bend over and vomit. It doesn't help the first time, so I do it again and again and again until I can stand straight and when colours no longer flash when I blink, I turn around. Alex has his eyes trained on me. I see them quiver in the dark moonlight that seeps through the clouds as they motion over my body entirely as if he is just seeing me now for the first time.
His foot moves forward and it snaps a twig. He freezes and waits for someone to come rushing out. When no one does, he runs for me, but stops two yards from reaching where I stand shaking.
"Lena," his voice is hoarse and I cock my head to the side, looking at him through tired eyes. He looks different. Paler and less alive. There is no longer a perpetual smile on his lips. No, they bend down now in a frown. Those lips weren't meant for that. He ruffles a hand through his wavy hair and I watch it cascade down across his forehead.
"You need a haircut," I croak out. My mouth tastes acidic and I desperately need water. His eyes light up for a moment before falling once more into their dark, depressive state.
"Yeah, I guess I do," he takes those few steps he needs to reach me and holds out a hand. It shakes in the dark and I can tell that he is nervous. Not boyish nervous, not like when he kissed me for the first time or the second time or the third time, but a nervous I do not recognise. "What-" he breaks, eyeing the glowing liquid I so graciously placed on the ground.
"I think I'm sick," my voice breaks and I didn't realise before how scared that makes me. I can't be sick. Not out here. Not here where there is nothing to make me well. Alex must see my face fall because he puts his hand on my cheek and rubs underneath my eye. The contact is welcome and warm. I missed it. His skin feels rougher, but still somehow smooth. Maybe that's the illness talking.
"No, don't say that. You probably just ate something," he tries to smile, but his eyes stay hollow. I don't like this. Shapes are slowly being distorted around my eyes and I close them to regain my thoughts.
"I haven't eaten anything," I look at the ground, trying to force myself to remain calm. My stomach gurgles and I fear throwing up again, so I turn around and clutch my knees, bowing my head. A light touch on my back soothes my twisting nerves. It makes slow, intricate circles over a notch of my spine, going over and over and over it like its trying to memorise the bump.
I dislike the touch. It's uncomfortable after a minute.
My skin is slowly losing it's cells, being rubbed against my shirt time and time again. He is touching me like it's fine. Like this happens to us all time. Like he runs to me when I'm down and lifts me back up.
So I stand up properly. I fight dizziness and turn to face him, fire burning in my eyes.
Don't cry, Lena, I tell myself. Look tough.
"Are you oka-"
"Yes." I snap, my voice betraying me horribly by wavering.
His golden eyes burn through me and his knowing look vanishes. A stranger once again, I walk past him and into "our" home. But it's not a home. A home is where you feel safe and protected and…well…loved. I grab my toothbrush and begin to vigorously remove the acidic taste from my mouth.
"What's going on, Lena?" I didn't hear him come inside the trailer, so I jump when his voice creeps towards me. It's deep and dark and frightening.
I keep my back to him as I respond, "What do you mean?" Nonchalant. Good work. My fingernails end up between my teeth being tugged and ripped to shreds by my bite force.
"Something is not right. And I am not just referring to you being ill. Or not ill. Maybe," Anger. I feel it begin at my chest and work its way everywhere. My head starts throbbing and my fingertips pulse with my erratic heartbeat.
Breathe, "I'm okay, Alex," I inch my feet towards him, swinging my body around. He moves in front of me at lightning speed and I try and move back, but his arm grips my waist. I am scared.
"Like hell you are, Lena. Talk to me," His eyes plead for me to understand. But I don't know what he wants me to get.
"Talk to you?" Calm down. Calm down. Breathe. Breathe.
"Yeah. Just," he pauses and releases me but I don't move. "Tell me what's wrong." His voice softens and his eyes dance around my face. I almost allow him the pleasure of jumping him. Just wrapping my arms around his neck, sinking my teeth into his bottom lip, and letting him moan and groan his way to my good graces. But I don't allow it.
"Alex, we need to talk about this," I say this calmly, looking at our feet placed not two inches away. Breath sneaks its way on my neck and I hear him pant lightly above me.
"Talk about what?" His voice shakes, not being able to hide his own insecurities. Does this make me feel better? Because he might be afraid that I'm leaving him. I can't do that, though. So I sit down on the bed and pat the space next to me. He nods and slides in place, facing me. I look at my hands, which have begun to shake against my severe wishes.
"Okay…" I begin, already exhausted, "Why...no," I pause, grabbing his hand. The shock and intensity of the movement glimmers through us both and my heart speeds up, swelling sweat beads on my palms. Calm down, Lena. Not the first time you've touched him. "What changed?" I ask, realizing how utterly vague that question is.
"What do you mean?" Alex's hand is still in mine, pulsing along with his heart, mingling with my nervous buzz.
"What changed with us?" I remove my hand, instantly missing the connection. "We were good. We left our old lives behind. I abandoned my whole world to escape with you. Everything was going great. You and I were never closer. I mean, I… I slept with you. I went against all those stupid rules and indulged in a selfish act for you. For us. And now, after however long we've been here, you don't speak to me. Don't look at me like that, Alex. You know it's been happening. You're angry all the time, you shoot death glares my way. You never touch me anymore. And you don't ever talk to me.
"I'm scared, Alex. This world is scary. It is unmarked territory. Beautiful and thrilling, but still so new. You know where we are, Alex. This is your life. And I'm afraid that now we're here, where you belong, I'm not enough anymore. Is that it? Am I just not fitting in with you here?" I feel a tear stripe a mark down my cheek. I watch his eyes follow it down onto my chest. His hand reaches out and with his thumb, he collects the salty liquid, rubbing it between his thumb and forefinger.
My mind fuzzes as the place where he touched me pulsates, but I wait patiently for a response. This could be the end.
"What do you want me to do?" His voice remains quiet and steady, but I can feel his nervousness.
"I want you to want this. To need this like I do. Because I can't be here, I can't stay with you if you don't let me in. I gave it all up for you. I gave up naivety and security for us. So, what changed?" I look at him with challenge in my eyes, but I could feel it falter when he let out a shaky sigh that immediately turned into a choked sob.
Alex's left hand, golden in the moonlight seeping through the open door, moves to his mouth and he clenches his eyes shut. A strangled spurt of tears leak down his scruffy face, getting caught in the mangled hairs of his untamed facial hair.
I freeze. And I hate it, but my mind runs through a thousand opportunities and I refuse to take any one of them.
He sits there, quietly shaking with rough sobs that barely escape through the slits between his fingers. My eyes stare at everything in front of me. The way Alex's hair has grown slightly, gently covering his ears with bronze waves of glory. How his arms, unclothed at this hour of the night, seem somehow smaller and bigger. But what catches me by surprise was how sad and tired he looked.
Suddenly, him ignoring me doesn't matter anymore.
I stand up quickly, catching his eyes following me, and kneel down to lay my head on his lap. I run soothing lines of my hand up and down his thigh, training my eyes on the plastic paneled-wall.
Alex's body stops shaking. My hand ceases movement along the beaten trouser leg of Alex's pyjamas. The crickets stop chirping. The wind stops rustling. My heart stops beating.
And we wait.
A crack in the silence sends shivers down my spine. "Lena, I love you," he whispers. "I don't know what to do about how much I love you. This, this feeling of helplessness whenever I see you, I don't get it. I have nothing to offer you. No money, no safety, no life. But you followed me here anyway." His hand begins to caress my hair while the other runs the length of my forearms crossed over his thighs.
"I don't deserve you. I've been alone all my life, so trying to figure out for these past months that I have someone actually waiting on me to come home - my mind hasn't yet wrapped around it. You make me want to come home, but I just don't know how I'm supposed to be with you when this world is so broken. We are broken. All of us. And I've brought you here, to this broken land. God, why couldn't I have just left you alone!" His sudden outburst of fury startles me and I jump up, my stomach lurching. I force myself to stand up straight and ignore the burning sensation of acid as it attempts to creep up my throat.
"Do you mean that?" I ask, moving towards him again. I hold his face in my hands. I look at this gentle giant, fear swimming in his eyes. I can feel my own eyes burn with tears, but I stay staring.
"No," he sighs out. "But I'm so afraid it'll become true."
"You're scared that we'll grow apart? That this will lose its meaning?" I gesture between us, releasing his soft skin. He simply nods, bowing his head and capturing his hair with his hands roughly. "Alex," I whisper and he looks at me with a red face, "that will never happen."
"You can't promise forever," he groans, twisting his head around.
"No, but I can promise right now. And tomorrow. It doesn't just switch off like a light. If you're so scared that we're going to lose each other, why do you hide away from me?" Alex's eyes roam my body and he reaches out to my waist, pulling his head to my stomach. A flash of heat courses through me, landing at my core and I whimper slightly.
"You're making it so difficult to be angry at you." My voice creaks in the quiet night and he chuckles against the fabric of my shirt.
A line of my stomach peaks through my clothing and the fingers of his left hand graze my skin agonizingly slow.
I can feel my flesh begin to rise with goosebumps as the cool air from the forest mixes with Alex's movements. He slides his thumb across my stomach, reaching his hands up my shirt, letting it ride up. He circles his fingers around my waste, clasping onto me.
"Do you want to be angry at me?" He asks huskily, craning his neck to look me in the eye. I fear my voice will break if I speak, so I simply shake my head. "Good."
He stands up slowly, still holding onto my sides, and towers over me. I shake silently, my hands trembling. His face inches forward to mine and he places his nose against my own. Eyes flutter close and he leans in. I feel his breath on my face before his lips come close to mine. It tingles on my skin and my mouth aches from anticipation.
It is like an explosion.
Like all of the stars in the sky decided to implode at once.
Bright lights, supernovas almost, flash behind my eyes in a series of short bursts. One after the other, rolling around and making me shake with an energy and electricity that I'd never felt before.
Heat sears through me, snapping and crackling loudly in my ears. I open my eyes for a second, but the overwhelming sensitivity of all my nerves force them shut again. He lets go of my waste and moves his hands up and down my back, rubbing furiously quick as if attempting to dissolve my shirt.
I break away from him and see the shock in his eyes. His eyes are lustful and his mouth is swollen. My inhibitions fly away from body as I strip my shirt off and collapse onto Alex once more.
I immediately feel his body react as I smooth my skin against his in a frenzy of emotion. Everything, all the stupid things that had happened since coming here, rush to the surface and I need an escape. So I choose him. Him who loves me to the point of being afraid.
Hands begin running along my back and I feel Alex unclasp my bra swiftly as if he's done it a million times. Which he hasn't. My mind buzzes and my skin crawls as I wait patiently for him to pull the straps down my arms and touch me.
It becomes difficult to contain myself and I almost do it myself when he slips my bra off entirely and flings it haphazardly to the grimy floor of the trailer. His fingers graze every inch of my stomach and chest, pulling and twisting my breasts in the most passionate and intoxicating ways.
This is all I need. Right now. But, God, I want so much more.
Removing his shirt is another story entirely. His hands are too busy pleasing me. I tug hard and he gets the message, lifting his arms for a split second, just long enough for the article of clothing to be discarded, before returning his fingertips to my chest.
His touch is like fire. It spreads a flame of glory along my breasts as he fumbles lazily, squeezing and pinching in the most purposeful ways. My head rolls back and I whimper out.
"Lena," he whispers. I snap my head back up, thanking whoever was out there that I did not get a crick in my neck.
"What?" I sigh, rubbing my chest against his. He moans loudly and I giggle against the skin of his neck, biting softly at his pulse point. I can feel it against my teeth thud…thud…thud.
"Shhh," he smiles but I suddenly remember our door is wide open. I gallop up and run to the door, shutting it as quietly and as quickly as possible. I lean my head against in and let out a contended sigh. And then I laugh. A hearty, deep laugh that I can feel bubble from my stomach and into my throat before escaping my lips.
I bounce towards a grinning Alex, stopping when I realise my boobs are actually bouncing. But a smile tugs at my lips when I notice Alex staring at them.
A blush creeps along my upper body, increasing the flaming sensation.
He stands up and wraps his arms around me, our chests touching ever so slightly. He walk backwards for a few steps before slumping on the bed. I straddle Alex, holding his face in my two hands. I tilt his head up just enough so that my breath can tickle his lips.
If I had a camera, I would want to snap this moment. He looks longingly into my eyes and I stare wildly back at him. Our naked upper bodies are grazing just enough to excite me and make me tingle in places I never thought it were possible to tingle.
I let out shaky breath after shaky breath before giving in. "I love you." I spit as I attack his lips. This time it's harsh and rough. Angry, almost. Like I'm making him pay for not speaking to me. Not touching me. Not admitting that he still loved me.
He pulls on my lips with the same intensity, swallowing my grief and anger with his muffled moans. His calloused hands slowly tingle up and down my back and I arch into his touch. I want to be dominant here, though. I can feel my animalistic instincts kicking in as I shove him hard on the chest and pin him down on the bed, stretching his arms above his head and holding them there.
Alex smirks at me, but I shut up his eminent snarky comment by striking his mouth once more.
A thought settles in the back of my mind as I weave my free hand down this man's chest, feeling the hairs of his so-called "happy trail," and underneath the fabric of his boxer shorts, Why the hell was this considered sinful and wrong?
As my mind ponders on the question, I snake a hand around him, shocking even myself with the bold move. He tries to sit up, but my grip on his wrists must be too much for him in his foggy state because he stays down, slamming his eyes shut and letting out a guttural groan. With a shaky grasp, I move my hand up and down. I start slow, liking the way he twitches and how his hips gently move up and down.
When I begin to pick up speed, he yanks his arms free and stops me. A blush settles on my cheeks, but he smiles lazily. "No, don't. I just don't want to wait anymore."
It shocks me just a little that I know what he means, even with the exclusion of important words.
With a fire swelling in me, I stand up and impatiently pull at my pajama shorts. They slide down after a moment, followed quickly by my underwear. I look up to see Alex naked before me as well, ready to go.
I am about to jump him once more but he holds a hand up.
"Are you sure?" He asks and I'm almost offended but he points to my belly.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I feel fine. I feel wonderful. I want to feel you," the last words are enough and he falls back on the bed, followed quickly by myself.
I sit on top of him, feeling myself tense at the anticipation. I sit up slightly on my knees, grabbing ahold of him gently in my hand. He's hard in my grip and I know I'm ready.
Aligning ourselves perfectly, I make my way down until I am sitting fully on him.
I expected pain or an uncomfortable sensation, but instead I only feel a buzzing. It begins slowly, the buzzing sensation. But as I sit there, staring at him, it rises and becomes a powerful hum.
And so begins the tangle of words. Of bodies. Of lust.
His hands are on my hips and I lean down to place my palms on his chest. Our touch is an explosion of heat and as I begin to slowly move up and down, I see that look in his eyes, the one I thought was lost.
It's rough and sloppy, but I am elated with happiness and a powerful wave of excitement. His hands travel up my sides like prickly thorns, the little hairs covering my body rising to his touch.
We are live wires, sparking with electricity; dangerous to the touch. Where his fingers graze me, he leaves an imprint of love and I can feel everything building up as he grabs my waist and thrusts up to meet me as I go down.
His groans of pleasure spur me on and I can't believe how long I waited before doing this again.
Hands travel to my back and begin scraping up and down, a pleasurable stinging sensation taking place of his nails. Just as I prepare myself for tumbling down, he moves and suddenly I'm lying on my side and can no longer see Alex.
I can feel him, though, moving behind me, trying desperately to reconnect our bodies. It's almost as if he's teasing me, waiting for me to slow down my want enough to start up again. I moan impatiently and that seems to be enough because he enters me again, slowly. He speeds up, breathing heavily on my neck, caressing every inch of my skin he can reach. He says my name softly, whispering it into my skin.
I absorb it and let his love soak through my body, sending shots of adrenaline through my veins. Because this is his love in its purest form. Murmuring a made up language filled with all the desperation and devotion he can muster up.
Now is the time where we can forget about all of it. About our problems and our stupid fights.
We are together, fitted perfectly like a lock and a key.
My frenzied thoughts are broken as his jolts get quicker. His hips hit my lower back roughly and he bites down on my shoulder trying dangerously to keep his voice quiet.
And then it begins.
That powerful blow beginning at my core that sends shoots of pleasure all throughout my body, curling my toes and fuzzing my brain completely.
We lay entwined, a pile of sweaty limbs and erratic hearts, for a moment as we gather our breaths.
He is the first to move, nudging my neck with his nose and whispering, "No regrets." It's a sigh of content.
My body shivers as he leaves me in the cooling air of September. He grabs a towel and begins to laugh. My eyebrow quirks up automatically in question.
He takes a moment to collect himself, but eventually calms down enough to talk, still giggling slightly. "I love you," he says, smiling sweetly. "I love you and sometimes I can't believe how much. Looking at you right now with sweat all over your body, with my sweat all over your body. With my, well, with my love all over your body. It just makes me realise how madly in love with you I am."
My breath catches in my throat and I ungracefully take a moment to cough loudly. His words ring through my mind. Everything is forgiven. "You need to start letting me in," I sigh, looking down. He nods his head above me towel still in hand. "And you need to trust me." He nods again, still smiling. "What's that towel for?" I ask. He begins to giggle again.
"To clean ourselves up," he chuckles through rosy cheeks.
I stand up slowly, my knees wobbling slightly, and make my way to him. "You're going to need to breathe eventually. Stop giggling." He holds the towel out to me and we both burst into a fit of laughter.
"I love you, too," it's a breathy confession, old in use but still fresh and true. He takes it in with a smirk in place and kisses my nose softly, swiftly taking the towel away from me to begin cleaning himself up. He turns to me after a moment of silence and motions to my body. I nod and he slides the cloth over me in full, bending down to wipe all the offending substances away.
That night, we curl into the bed together. Naked, like Adam and Eve. Innocent and alone.
Coiled in a blanket of warmth, he places a hand on my stomach. A shockwave ripples through my body at the touch, leaving me with a fuzzy feeling as I slowly drift off to sleep.
The next morning, under the cool light of a beautiful sunrise, I remember something.
It was a thought I left in Portland.
It sat in my brain, dusted over with more important things like survival and Alex.
But now, as I wander by myself through the woods to find the creek, it slams into me like a train going full speed. I crumple to the ground in shock, holding my belly in confusion.
"No," I whisper into the air, watching as my worry dissipates into the atmosphere in the beautiful form of mist. A hunger that I've never experienced before gnaws in my stomach and I stand up quickly, watching stars spark in my vision. Alex. Must find Alex.
They taught us about this. About the dangers of giving yourself to someone before marriage. Before matching you up with someone. It's one of the dangers of the deliria.
I stumble through the trees, listening faintly to my footsteps crumpling leaves. The door to the church is open and I make my way inside, running my hands through my hair and twisting my head around looking for him. I must look insane because people watch me with curious eyes. For once, I don't mind that men and women of all ages are staring at me. I need to find Alex.
"Alex," I cry out, feeling my throat begin to clench shut with anxiety. Tears begin to blur my vision as I make my way through the hallway, one hand on the wall, the other clutching my stomach. "Alex!" It's more of a croak than a word, but someone approaches me quickly, reaching out to hold me. I collapse into them, not bothering to check who is clinging to me.
"Lena," it's Alex's voice filled with uncertainty and adoration. "Lena, what's wrong?" I force myself to look at him, fearing that this is the end. I've ruined it all. He's going to hate me. I'm going to be thrown out.
Everything flashes before me, memories scattered here and there. Alex's face goes bleary and I shake my head. "Alex, I think," I break, bowing my head into his chest, inhaling his fresh scent. "I think I'm pregnant."
Silence follows, a haunting noise. Clattering forks hit metal as people's ears perk up to try and figure out what's going on. I look at Alex, watching as emotions swim across his face. They go so quick I can't process them.
His hold on me tightens and he touches his head to mine, connecting our foreheads. He blinks a tear from his eyes and kisses me softly, bringing a hand up to caress my cheek.
"What do we do?" I ask, my voice breaking. He shakes his head but continues to smooth his thumb gently across my cheek.
I hear someone coming towards us, her voice shrill and thick with southern blood.
Molly.
"Where is she?" She asks and I try to stand up. Alex grips me closer to him, though, forbidding my body to move. "Lena," her voice is next to my ear and I crane my neck to look her in the eye. "Lena, honey, come with me." She tries to coax me away from Alex, but neither of us wants to let go. Molly huffs, but eventually snaps her fingers in front of Alex's face as a signal for him to come along as well.
Together, all three of us make our way down the hallway into the makeshift hospital room.
I'm told to sit up the patient's chair, stolen during one of the delivery missions years ago. The leather is cracked and torn in many places. Pieces of fluff stick out and tickle my skin.
Alex is seated next to me, holding onto my hand like a lifeline, refusing to break contact with me. I try to figure out what's going on in his mind, but I can barely comprehend what I'm feeling so I give up fairly quick on that.
Molly runs to get one of the three Doctors we have with us. They all have different fancy titles, but I've never been one to really pay attention to that sort of stuff. They're all just Doctors to me.
A woman walks in followed by a smiling Molly. The latter's face is bright and shiny with a few tears and I can't help but feel a deep connection to this woman who has allowed me to bombard my way into her life. Molly takes my other hand and runs her thumb against the back of my hand soothingly. It's a different feeling to Alex's hold, which is more like a death grip than a tender grasp.
"Alright, Lena," The Doctor says, pulling on a pair of latex gloves. She sits in the chair opposite me and smiles. "You think you may be pregnant?" It's a blunt question with a yes or no answer, but my tongue twists and I find it difficult to say the word.
"Yes."
It's not my voice.
Molly is still looking at me, but her mouth closes and I eye her thankfully. She nods her head.
"Okay, when do you think this occurred?" I blink at the woman in front of me, unaware of how I am to answer this question. She smiles condescendingly and tries to elaborate. "When did you have the intercourse that then led to the possibility of you having a baby growing in your tummy?"
My reply is cautious and slow. "Sometime in August. Right before we came here." I don't even remember when that was. It feels like forever ago when I felt my final barrier being broken down by the man I love. Stupid, stupid. All of it.
"Okay then. And there was no protection used?" Protection. The briefest memory fills my mind. The health teacher standing before us young teenagers, separated clearly down the middle between desks by gender and then age.
"Class," she said, "when you are married and feel the need to have," she paused, eyeing us with her one good eye, "sexual relations," the words dripped from her mouth like they were acid on her tongue, "and do not want to conceive a child, there is something that can be used to prevent pregnancy." She coughed and some boys and girls laughed. She slammed her fist onto her desk and the snickering stopped immediately. She pulled, very slowly out of a drawer, a package. It was plain white. She tore it open and, using tweezers, pulled it out. "This will be used." The words were quick to leave her mouth and she hurriedly, and probably embarrassedly, threw the package away and buried it beneath a stack of papers. That was all. We didn't know what they were called. What they did. Where they went. It was just a ring. Someone went and dug it up after the bell had rung and the teacher had stormed off, her face blazingly red. We all waited around and watched him unravel it.
"Do you think it goes on the dick?" He asked, a smirk placed on his lips. "I could demonstrate…" But he didn't. And the next day he wasn't seen in school. Rumor has it he was sent to the Crypts.
A tugging on my hand repels me from my memory. It's Alex. "Lena, the Doctor asked you a question," I shake my head and look at the woman once more, my vision still glossy.
"No." I say plainly, looking at Alex. A pained expression flits across his face but is quickly replaced by a smile. A sad one, but still a smile.
The Doctor pats my knees and I recoil. She giggles, but removes her hands. "I'm going to ask you some intimate questions. Are you okay with these people being here?" I don't fully understand what she means, but I nod anyway. I trust Molly and Alex. It's the Doctor I don't trust. "Okay then, let's begin. Have you experienced any spotting?" I must look confused because she giggles condescendingly again and rephrases the question. "Any blood spotting outside of your regular menstrual cycle?"
Oh.
"No, not really. Once, I think." The Doctor nods and grabs a notebook, scribbling down her words fast.
"Okay, and what about any cramps?"
"Yes."
"Backache? That's a common one."
"Yeah, but I thought it was just a side effect of a bad bed." My attempt to lighten the mood doesn't work and we all sit in silence for a moment before the doctor continues.
"Frequent need to urinate?"
"Yes."
"Swollen or tender breasts?"
My face flushes and Alex's grip slacks off. He coughs gruffly into his elbow, mumbling an apology.
"Yes, actually." I say, recalling last night with a hot mind. The way Alex's hands slipped across my breasts hungrily and how sensitive to his touch I was. I move my head to look at him and he blushes, probably remembering last night as well.
"Alright, and what about morning sickness? Any upset stomach for no good reason? Morning sickness doesn't confine you to the morning. It can jump at you any time."
"Yes, definitely." My mind calms down for a moment and I enjoy the idea of not being terminally ill. But then I remember the high probability that I am carrying a child and that we have no means to care for a newborn here.
"Alright, these are all promising facts. Unfortunately, due to our situation, we will not be able to test if you are in fact pregnant. We have vitamins, though, that you should take just in case you are pregnant. And we'll limit your working schedule. You have a support system here, Lena. You've got a wonderful man by your side and Molly seems smitten on you as well. She won't stop talking about how wonderful you are." The two women laugh quietly as I try and process the information.
"So I'm pregnant?" I squeak, fear coiling in my belly. My eyebrows rise and Alex moves closer, resting his head on my shoulder.
"I am going to say that you are more likely pregnant than not. This will not limit you straight away, but due to being out here with limited medical supplies, we will have to keep you away from certain things. You should limit your contact with people physically. I don't mean sex. You can still enjoy sex. In fact, during pregnancy, your hormones will be all over the place and you'll most likely end up enjoying it more." Her eyes are bright and happy, but my brain is twisting over how nonchalantly she used the word sex.
Alex is chuckling like a schoolboy into my neck and I think the doctor was right. His breath against my skin is making my hairs stand up and my stomach twist with pleasure. Last night was definitely different from the first time. But I guess the lack of pain and soreness wasn't the only reason it was better.
I'm slightly shocked at how calm everyone, including myself, is about the idea of a baby being born. So many things could happen. I could fall. Someone could push me. I could get a cold. What if a wild beast that is attracted to pregnant people decides to eat me?
"You're going to be okay. If anyone can do this, it's you." Alex's voice startles my tragically pathetic thoughts and I lean in to kiss him, feeling my excitement spark up again. Stop it! I scold myself for wanting him in this time of uncertainty. "I love you, Lena. Still do. This is a little bit of a shock, but we can survive this. Together."
As I stare into his golden eyes twisted with flecks of green and spots of blue and black, as I overhear the Doctor (I will have to catch her name at some point) and Molly discuss what each multi-vitamin does, as I move my hand to clutch my belly and feel Alex's fingers fall in-between mine, I believe him. We will be okay. We can do this.
Together.
A/N 2: Well. It's not the best, I know. Or maybe it is. Who knows. You're all entitled to your own opinion. Feel free to let me know what you thought. Enough about the story, though, let's talk about the symbolism. So there is a Bible verse. It's way in the beginning of Genesis (Genesis 1:28, to be exact). It reads, "God blessed them; and God said to them 'Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it...'". That's all fancy words for find someone, have sex, and make babies. Subdue the earth, make it your own. With the idea that I have based this tale off of the not so romantic love story between Adam and Eve, I felt this quote was a good one to include. The song this chapter is named after is one from my all time favourite musical Spring Awakening. I've seen it four times on stage and it is such a good musical. I suggest going to YouTube and looking it up. I believe a couple of people have uploaded the original cast [which includes Lea Michele (of Glee fame), Skyler Astin (of Pitch Perfect fame), and Jonathan Groff (also, I guess, of Glee fame)] performing the musical.
The story behind the song "The Guilty Ones" is the two main characters (Wenda and Melchior) have just had sex. Wendla has no idea that what she has just done is called sex, leads to babies, and is "only" meant to be performed between married people (Oh, it's set in nineteenth century Germany by the way). The scene right before it happens where Melchior is seducing innocent Wendla and she's a bit nervous that I have actually memorised. She's trying to stop him, saying "We're not supposed to" he replies passionately asking "What? Not supposed to what? Love? I don't know, is there such a thing? I can feel you. I can feel you breathing everywhere. In the rain, by the hay. Please, please Wendla." And then he kisses her and she stops him, "No, it's just" and he interrupts her again, "It's what? Sinful? Why? Because it's good? Because it makes us feel something?" And then she gives in. That's more or less it. Look it up. It's Part 6 of 10 from the channel lilhappydonut. It's age restricted, by the way.
But afterwards, as you can imagine, she's confused. A line from the song, which was the first song I ever heard from the musical and made me fall in love with it, "And now our bodies are the guilty ones/ our touch will fill every hour/ huge and dark, oh our hearts/ will murmur the blues from on high." I suggest looking at all the music and stuff, but this song is so amazing just go and buy it and listen to it over and over again.
Adam and Eve were pure and innocent when God created them. He made them to be His children and to fill the earth with offspring of equal angelic nature. The world became tainted, though. It filled with sin and darkness, the Devil taking his place. Now the world is corrupt.
Now we are all the guilty ones.
I hope you enjoyed the latest installment. Sorry I babble so much about music and symbolism. It's kind of my thing. Analysis all the way, man! Wow, this got long.
Until next time,
(insert name here)
ps: I saw Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco, and twenty one pilots last month and it was amazing. Check twenty one pilots out! They need more love and support. And now, for an early birthday present but not really because I'm paying for my own ticket, I'm seeing Panic! again on January 28th. Excitement all around.
