TRIGGERS TOWARDS THE END...
Chapter 3
It had been a month of calling, texting, and skypeing, but not one with a date. I had more interviews and press conferences I had to attend to, but not once did I stop thinking of Karkat. It wasn't even in a sexual way, just the thought of his voice or how he two had red eyes was enough to get me through the days or put a smile on my face. My colleagues kept away from me, but that was normal. Nobody talked to me unless they had to and I was ok with that. I was always, and still am, the "underdog" of Hollywood. While I do manage to have a quite a large fan base, I have quite an impressive amount of haters too. I get more death/hate threats in day than any other person, and sometimes it depresses the hell out of me. Yesterday was one of the days Rose, John, and I went through the mail, and by the end I wanted to cry. I didn't, well at least not until I got to my room. Needless to say, that day I didn't answer Karkat's calls or texts or skypes.
Today, however, I got to go home and have a dare with Karkat later on. What I didn't anticipate was him coming to pick me up from the airport. I also didn't have much time to think about it because as soon as he saw me, he scooped me up into a giant bear hug. "You didn't answer my fucking calls yesterday, shitface. I was so fucking worried…" I never knew it would affect him like that. I couldn't tell him why I hadn't answered I had to make up a little white lie. "I'm sorry. I was really busy," I said, finally returning the hug. After hugging for about five minutes, we finally get into the car. Of course I received a bitching from Karkat about how I better not ever get him all worried again, but it was only halfheartedly said.
"Why don't we have a night in," I said when we finally reached my house. "Um... sure, why not?" He sounded a bit too unsure though. "What are you worried about?" "Nothing. It's just… It's just. Look I don't want to be your whore. I actually want a real relationship, so if those aren't your intentions I should just fucking go right now." He looked slightly annoyed, but so was I. How could he think he didn't mean anything to me? Was he going to be another person who though wrong of my intentions? However had it not been for the hint of insecurity in his eyes, I wouldn't have answered his question. "Karkat," I said motioning for him to come sit on my lap, "you are actually important to me. You're not just some cheap fling that I could get from anyone. You're someone I can see spending the weekends over, going to the beach, making pancakes with on Sunday morning, and possibly living with one day. I will not just have sex with you and leave you on the side on the road one day. If, or when, we have sex, it won't be just sex, but our proclamation of love to one another. I want you not for your body, but for your heart and mind. I want your soul. So if it makes you feel better, we'll go extra slow, and when your ready we'll go on." I then kissed him, but not because I wanted to for passion, but because I needed to reassure him that I was sincere. The kiss itself was slow, pure, and held truth. "Okay," he said. To anyone that would be a shit answer, but I know what it meant. "C'mon, let's go watch another movie, and make some dinner." We went inside the house holding hands.
We made some Italian food, poured some wine out, and popped some popcorn. "Pick a movie," I said referring to Netflix which was already projected on the screen. "Mmmmm…..why not Stuck in Love?" he said referring to the movie starring Logan Lerman, Nat Wolff, Lily Collins, and Greg Kinnear. I knew Greg, he was nice, plus he was an amazing actor. Karkat and I cuddled through the whole movie, which was an hour and a half of brilliance. I had never been happier, well at until I saw Karkat asleep on my shoulder, then I was the happiest I'd ever been. I gently carried him to my room, lay him in my bed, tucked him in, and went to go sleep on my couch. I fell asleep with the biggest smile on my face and dreamt of Karkat.
It was a whole week of dates, until I had to go back to more press conferences and interviews. Bleh. Karkat and I said our good byes, temporarily, and I left to some place in Europe, where my movie was next premièring. We arrived at 3 a.m, their time, and I had to be on the carpet at 9 a.m. Great! Naturally, I didn't sleep a wink and was a complete disaster. The make up artist nearly slapped me, though I wouldn't have blamed her. We finally got to the place, and I could hear my name being screamed, but the tone wasn't so cheerful. My suspicions were confirmed when I saw a bunch of hate fans attacking others to try and have a go at me. They would've to, had it not been for John getting me out of there so quickly. The ride back to the hotel was a quiet one but I clearly stated I wanted to be left alone. When we got to the hotel, and I was safely locked in my room, I began to sob. I slowly got out my cigarettes and my razors. "I'm sorry, Karkat," was the last thing I said before the razor met my porcelain skin.
A/N: I'm sorry. I am so so sorry if that gave anyone triggers. It gave me triggers just by writing it. On a happier note, I truly recommend watching Stuck in Love. It really is a brilliant movie. Ali
