Hello everyone! This still has 2 more chapters to go before I'll finish it up, so sit back and enjoy the little read. Let me know if there's something specific you want me to cover in the next two chatpers :)
TW: Miscarriage and other reproductive issues
"Honey," Trevor said softly to his wife, "I think we should tell Noah, how many times has he communicated that he wished he had a sibling?," he reminded her with a little wry smile. They watched Noah playing on the living room floor with new toys that Trevor had bought for him as a very special treat earlier in the afternoon.
She smiled back, it was tough on them both each time Noah made the comment, even in passing. On his 4th birthday, Olivia asked her son what he had wished for when he blew his candles out and he had wished for a pet giraffe, a motorbike, a little brother but if it had to be a sister, that would be okay too, and a big Lightning McQueen and Mater cars from his favourite movie; Cars.
She remembered the way she had felt like she'd been punched in the stomach; the way Trevor's hand immediately found hers and the way that everyone looked around a little uncomfortably and she had to just grin and bare it and act like everything was fine because it was easier than having to deal with everyone else's awkwardness.
Trevor didn't skip a beat either, he had glossed over it better than she had. He didn't need to go to bed that night beating himself up over what a failure he had been to both of them.
There were other occasions too — after coming home from a play date where the mother of his friend had just given birth to a perfect baby girl and Noah had bluntly asked in front of the parents if he was ever going to get to be a brother. Olivia laughed it off but internally she screamed at the injustice of it all for her son, for her husband; for her.
She breathed in a deep breath as she had been instructed to do to stop her lung collapsing from her broken ribs. It still hurt and she was trying her best not to use pain killers all day long, but the mornings and evenings were the worst.
"Just…" she took his hand, "what if-"
"Liv," he cocked his head, "of course we especially have the right to feel healthily concerned, but we agreed, we aren't going to live a life of fear, right?"
She nodded again. "I just … don't want his heart to break if something doesn't-"
He kissed her temple and smoothed her hair, letting his fingers glide over the soft skin of her face. "I understand your fears, sweetheart, I do, I have them too and some days its far worse than others, but— we'll deal with it when and if something happens, but until then, we can treat this like a perfect dream come true."
He kissed her jaw and smiled. "I don't want us to be so worried that we miss this time, this pregnancy time, because it's kind of fun and exciting and it should be, we need to lose ourselves in that a little bit, I think. After everything that happened, you deserve some joy — so do I and so does Noah."
"Okay," she replied. "We'll tell him."
Olivia was mostly relegated to the couch and moved around as little as possible. If breathing was painful then so was doing other menial tasks like bathing, using the bathroom, coughing, sneezing and sometimes moving too fast.
"Noah?" Trevor called to his son. He was talking to his toys, playing some kind of imaginative game. He glanced up at his Mom and Dad. He smiled, a little red-faced, realising they were listening to him play.
"Do you think that you could have a little break for a few minutes? Mommy and I have something we want to tell you."
He picked up one of the alien looking toys and made his way to the couch. "What is it?," he asked curiously.
Trevor got up from beside Liv, "why don't you carefully sit beside Mommy and give her a cuddle - gently. And I am just going to get something to show you."
Olivia loved her son's gentleness - a trait he picked up from his father. He was cuddly, sweet and always gentle toward others but especially when he knew the situation called for it. Olivia felt him flanked against her healthy side and smiled at him as Trevor disappeared from the living room and up the hall. "Do you love your new toys, babe?," she asked him.
He nodded, grinning. "Look, this one is so cool, look how mean he looks… but he's not really mean." He showed Olivia a small plastic zombie-style figure with green skin and black hair and a mean, gnashing teeth expression. She made a face but laughed with her son. "You're right, kiddo, that's kind of cool."
"Mommy, why did Daddy take me to the toy store today? He never does, just you."
She chuckled again and ran her fingers through her son's beautiful curls. "Daddy knows that I take you sometimes when you deserve a reward for being so wonderful — in fact sometimes Dad suggests that I take you. At the moment, it's a bit hard for me to go anywhere, so he decided he would take you instead. Was that okay?"
He nodded, "we had fun, we played with the toys and we took forever deciding which ones I should get."
Trevor reappeared holding on to the sonogram photos they had received.
"We had so much fun," he agreed, smiling at Noah. "I loved our special afternoon," he handed the pictures to Liv and picked up Noah and sat back down beside Liv with his son in his lap. "And I'm glad you love your new toys. I think we picked the best ones, right?"
"Yeah these are the best ones," Noah nodded. Unexpectedly, he turned his body toward his father and wrapped his arms around his neck. "I love you Daddy," he announced.
Trevor grinned, embracing his son back. "I love you too, Noah. Mommy and I are so lucky to have you."
"I wish I could give Mommy a cuddle like that too," he said regretfully.
Trevor held on to his son tightly and tipped him forward toward Olivia, "maybe let's settle for kisses for Mom, huh?" Olivia smiled at her two perfect boys. "You're both wonderful and I love you both." She told them as Trevor kissed her after Noah.
"What did you want to tell me?," their son asked, still curious. He stared at the ultrasound paper in Olivia's hand, unable to see the pictures. "What's that? Is that a photo?"
"Its kind of a photo," Olivia finally smiled. "But, I want to see if you can guess what the surprise is." She tried her best to dissolve the restlessness that she felt inside the wall of her chest. She was going to do her best and try to make it fun.
"Ohhh," Noah smiled and looked at each of his parents. "Is it a surprise? For me?," he asked, shocked. "I love surprises!"
"It's kind of a surprise for all of us, but it's a good surprise. What is one thing that you have always wanted and you've asked for a few times but we haven't given you."
"Hmmm," Noah asked, his excitement buzzing, tapping his chin thoughtfully with the mannerism of an an esteemed gentlemen, Olivia thought, biting her lip to keep from smiling — well, probably copying mannerisms of his father. "A trip to the waterpark!?," he asked, suddenly his eyes lighting up as if he cracked the code.
Trevor laughed, "No, it's not a place, it's something that we will keep forever, the three of us."
"Can I have a hint?," he asked softly, already half giving up. "I don't know. I don't want another dog, I love Emily."
"Its not another dog, but you're thinking on the right track. Come on Noah, you've asked for this, it'll be a gift that comes only from Mommy when it arrives — and we might have to wait for it, but we have some special pictures of it." Trevor paused as Noah concentrated hard but seemed to be completely blank for ideas.
"What wonderful gift did Tommy's Mom bring home for Tommy and for the rest of the family a few months back?" Olivia tried, "and you were like, "Mom, I wish I could be a —"
"BIG BROTHER!" Noah exclaimed loudly, waking Emily up from her snooze on the floor beside the coffee table. "Ooooo sorry, Em!," he giggled.
The lazy dog sighed and flopped back down making them laugh at her drama. She was supposed to be an energetic, playful dog, but her attitude matched her best friends. She liked to sit by Noah while he played and rest her head in his lap when he was on the couch. She ran after him in the park with the ball and was the only one she would come to on command.
If anything, Trevor thought, she was the perfect companion.
"Yes, you're going to be a big brother…" Olivia confirmed for him with a big smile. "And Mom and Dad have some photos of the baby in my tummy. Would you like to see them?"
Noah was grinning and nodding emphatically, "I wanna see!"
She turned the two photos around and handed them to him as the little boy beamed, his face was full of joy and it made Olivia begin well up. She glanced and Trevor and stifled a sob. Noah looked up at his Mom and his smile faded. "Mommy, why are you sad? Don't you want me to be a big brother?"
"Of course I do, sweetheart," she murmured as she felt Trevor's fingers stroking her hair. "It's just very overwhelming and happy news. Mommy has wanted to give you a brother or a sister for such a long time…"
"Why did we have to wait?," he asked innocently.
Olivia caressed the smooth baby skin of her son's cheek and smiled through her tears. "Because, sometimes it's not easy to have a baby. Sometimes Mommy's or Daddy's could have something wrong that prevents them from being able to have another baby."
"Oh," Noah frowned, "was there something wrong with you or Daddy before? The baby is coming from your tummy and not like me from a different tummy?"
"Well, the doctors told us a long time ago that something might be wrong, baby," she explained, "because before you…"
Trevor's heartbeat quickened, realising that she was about to tell him about Maisy. His throat felt itchy and his eyes began to sting as he saw tears fall down Olivia's face that she didn't bother wiping away. She composed herself and started again, "About a year before you arrived special for us, Mom and Dad had a baby… your big sister."
"I had a big sister?" he asked, his eyes wide. He looked from at his father. "Mommy, don't cry," he said softly, looking back. She managed a smile.
"Yes, honey, you had a big sister. She was growing in my belly and then one day she stopped growing and we weren't able to bring her out of my tummy." That fact wasn't entirely true, Trevor thought, trying to block the memory, she was removed from Olivia's belly and it wasn't the celebratory reception that they had so desperately wanted, in fact, it was one of the most traumatic things that had ever happened to him.
"Oh," Noah looked at his mother's tummy and back up at her face. "But this baby is different, right?"
She nodded and prayed internally that she wasn't lying to her son. "This baby is already older than your big sister," she sniffed. Trevor's large hand cupped his wife's cheek. He swiped her tears away as Olivia tilted her head in to his warmth. Following his father, Noah reached over and wiped tears from her other cheek, being as gentle as he could knowing his mother's face was still very sore.
"Don't be sad Mommy, my big sister wouldn't want you to be sad, I know that because I wouldn't want you to be sad if I was her."
Olivia sobbed again but there was something different about the way she felt — maybe it was cathartic telling her secret to their son, she never wanted secrets between them but perhaps she had underestimated her son's ability to understand or be sensitive to the matter. Either way, she was glad it was out in the open.
"Oh, my love…" Olivia murmured when she saw her little boy tearing up. Noah's level of empathy at such a young age always blew her away. "I'm sorry, I didn't want to make everyone sad," she sniffed. "I feel so blessed to have you and I have always been so eternally grateful for you. When you arrived, you helped put our broken hearts back together again," she told him, pulling him in to an embrace, ignoring the pain it caused her to squeeze him tight. "And we love you so very much, Noah Langan," she kissed him. Trevor slid in closer and wrapped his arms around both of them.
Not to be outdone, Emily jumped up, sensing free affection being handed out. She jumped in to Trevor's lap who couldn't help but to laugh. He really had tried hard not to be a pet-person because of the responsibilities, but their family dog— Noah's dog, really, had also become an important piece of their lives.
"Yes baby," he told Emily, patting her with a little chuckle, "you're going to be a big sister too," she pawed at Noah's back gently as she did when she wanted the little boy to acknowledge her.
Noah pulled away and turned to his beloved dog, "Em, no, I have to cuddle my Mommy now, you can be next after Daddy."
Olivia wiped her eyes and beamed at Trevor through her tears. She could see that he had spilled some too.
"I'm okay babe, you can cuddle with Emily if you like…" she told him.
"No wait, I'm next," Trevor interjected a little smugly winking at Liv.
Noah giggled and hugged his father. Trevor kissed his son and let go so he could send some affection the dog's way. He softly patted Emily's ears the way that she liked. She ducked her head forward closer toward her favourite person and grunted in delight. It never failed to make Noah grin. "My piggy Emily!," he exclaimed.
The two adults smiled at the joy the dog kept bringing.
Finally, he let go and turned back to his parents. Emily jumped off and resumed her spot on the floor. "Can I see the pictures again?," he asked. Olivia handed them over to him a second time and watched him study them. Trevor pointed out the baby's head and feet and informed him of how long she was. "The baby is almost halfway ready as of today," he informed Noah. "And this big…" he showed with his fingers at 19 weeks that the baby would be already around six inches long.
"Daddy, is it gonna be a girl or a boy?," he asked.
Olivia smiled. "What do you think?," she interjected.
Noah looked at the images for a minute and thought about it. He looked from Olivia and back to Trevor. "I think it's gonna be a girl, I would like a brother because we could play Legos and Skylanders and lots of other fun games, but if I had a sister, I would protect her and be the best big brother ever and I would love her so much too."
"It's a girl," Olivia told him, "so you're gonna have a little sister," she informed him.
She was thankful that he showed absolutely zero disappointment but smiled, a close-lipped, happy smile. "Oh, that's nice. I'll be a good big brother."
Trevor smiled, "We know you will. And Noah, I'm here to tell you that your baby sister can also play Legos and Skylanders and whatever other games. Your auntie Zoe was younger than me and she used to always play car toys with me and sometimes to make it fair, I used to play dolls with her."
Noah giggled, "You played dolls?!" He giggled crazily again.
"Yes!" Trevor laughed at his son finding humour in it. "Its okay to play with dolls," he took the green alien from Noah's hand. "This is kind of a doll, you know, its the same type of thing…"
"No, this is a Skylander…" he said softly, as if he was offended by his father calling it a doll.
Olivia smirked, "Honey, it's okay, you can play whatever games you want with a little sister, there's no games that are dedicated to just boys or just girls," she informed her son, "we're not going to worry about silly things like that."
Noah fiddled with his alien in his hands quietly for a second, moving around it's arms before he looked at his Mom, "But the Skylander isn't a doll, okay?"
"Okay," Liv nodded, "it's a Skylander." She glanced at Trevor who was stifling an amused smile.
"So how do you feel about the news, kiddo? Good, bad, worried, you tell us how you feel?"
Noah smiled at his father, "I'm excited, how long until the baby comes out of your tummy?," he curiously asked his Mom.
She placed her hand over the little swell - wondering how she had missed it. It wasn't noticeable, really unless she wore something form fitting, but even in just two weeks she had noticed it becoming more evident. "Well, in another 20 weeks, hopefully," she told him. "So, you'll have to wait a little while but you can see it growing in my tummy a little more every day until I have a huge belly."
Noah smiled, "can I feel?," he asked.
"Of course baby," she said softly. He took his little hand and placed it over the bump of her belly.
"Ohhhh, I can feel it, it's hard, it's not squishy like Daddy's tummy."
"Okay, okay, that's enough out of you!" Trevor's mouth fell open as Olivia laughed deeply at her son's absent burn.
Noah smiled too, "Mommy, will it move around or kick you like Tommy's little sister did when she was in his Mommy's belly?"
"Yeah, very soon we should feel her move around…" she informed him.
"That's exciting," he said slowly. "Can I tell everyone at school?" Trevor noticed the immediate tension fill his wife's face at the idea of telling everyone all over again and what happened last time when she had nothing to show for her big announcement months earlier.
"Let's…. Let's have this secret just for our family for a little bit longer," Trevor replied, "do you think you could do that?"
Noah nodded, "Yeah, a secret. Was my big sister a secret too?"
"No honey, Mommy didn't keep her a secret and when she stopped growing, it was very hard to tell everyone that they wouldn't get to meet her, so Mommy gets a little scared sometimes, that's all," Liv explained.
"Oh," Noah slid off his father's lap and went and picked up the four new Skylanders that Trevor had bought for him. He climbed back up where he was and looked at the toys carefully before selecting one. "Mommy, this is my favourite one," he said, finally, showing her the one he'd had in his hands the whole time they'd been talking, "but we can give it to you and my baby sister so that he protects you both,"
It was everything Trevor could do not to cry. "He's the toughest one, none of the other ones can hurt him," he added.
Before he knew it, he was wiping his cheeks discreetly.
"Honey, it's okay." Olivia warmly placed her hand on her little boys arm, "you don't have to give your toys away, you and Daddy took so long to pick them out today."
"I know," Noah shrugged, "but maybe it took so long because it was a gift for my sister and I didn't know it yet and Daddy just said that girls can play with Skylanders too. It can be her first one."
Olivia wished she could pluck him off his father's lap and squeeze him in a big bear hug. Having cracked ribs sucked, she thought. The healing time was far too long and the discomfort was ridiculous.
Instead, Trevor wrapped his arms around his son and gave him a little squeeze. "Noah Langan, you are absolutely the best tiny human I've ever met and I love your kind heart more than anything in this world." He kissed his cheek and gave him the squeeze that Olivia had wanted to.
She could tell Trevor was moved by Noah's kind gesture.
Noah smiled bashfully and looked at his Dad when he finally let him go. "Daddy, have you got happy tears?"
Trevor nodded, beaming at his son. "Your Mom and Dad are reallllllllllllll crybabies tonight," he added.
"No, crying doesn't make you a baby, right Mom?" Noah said wisely, "Mommy told me I'm allowed to cry because feelings are better out than in, right?!"
Olivia laughed at her son's memory, the fact that he took everything she said to heart. "Yes, absolutely, tears are good."
"Here Mommy, take this one for the baby." He handed his Skylander, seeming at peace with his decision.
"Are you sure? You don't want to keep your favourite one?"
He shook his head, "No, it has to be my favourite one," he said.
Olivia reluctantly took the Skylander from her son. "I think we should keep him on my beside and if you want to play with it, you can play with it, okay?"
He shook his head again, "No Mommy, I have these ones. Your one for the baby will stay to keep guard."
Olivia smiled. "Thank you babe, I love you and when you meet your baby sister she is going to love you so much too."
"On that note, I think its time for bed…" Trevor told his son, "its getting late."
"Okay," Noah agreed. He slid off his Dad's lap.
"Honey go and put your toys away and go brush your teeth," Olivia instructed him, "and remember, I'm checking!," she'd once caught Noah out pretending to brush which seemed to be more effort than actually brushing.
"I will… "Emily! Come on!"
The dog jumped up and raced past Noah to bed, understanding the routine.
/
"We have the best kid, don't we?," he asked Olivia as she set the Skylander down on her nightstand. She nodded.
"Talk to me, honey, I feel like…" he paused, "you told Noah so much about your feelings there and you haven't even really spoken to me… not about anything, really — not your attack, not the baby, not the pregnancy, not Maisy — nothing."
Olivia lowered herself on to the bed very slowly and gingerly. She winced in pain. "You know how I feel," she murmured through her pain. "You know how I feel, I've told you and we have talked about. I'm scared, Trevor, you know I'm scared, I've told you I'm scared, repeatedly. I know you want to feel excited without the cloud of my misery hanging over us, but I can't help it, I am really fucking petrified."
"Don't get fru-" he stopped and took a deep breath, erasing whatever he was bursting at the seams to say without thinking. "Don't get frustrated with me," he said in a more calmer tone than what was immediately going to explode from his mouth. "I'm trying my absolute best to find balance for both of us, sweetheart, but I'm scared too, but I want to be strong for you."
She leaned back on her pile of pillows. "I'm sorry," he added, "I shouldn't have brought it up again," he sighed. "I'll go get you a heat pack for your ribs and some pain killers."
"No… just…" she looked at him, the tears filled from her eyes because she knew he was masking fears — that he was doing all that he could to stop the concerns from spilling over. "What I really want, more than anything is one of your amazing, all-consuming cuddles…I miss that so much."
"Aw, Liv, you have no idea," he gave her a sympathetic smile. "I just wanna hold you in a bear hug. I think that's part of the issue, I'm so scared of hurting you."
"I'm sorry for raising my voice," she said to him, "I do want to be happy and telling Noah was a nice moment — if anything it made me realise what a wonderful kid we've raised. He's so fucking smart and receptive to feelings."
"He definitely is all of those things," Trevor replied. "Can we pause this while I get you some meds?"
"Thank you," she murmured.
She stared at the Skylander toy that stared back at her on her nightstand and thought of how her son had made a very generous sacrifice for their new addition and she held hope that she wouldn't let her son down.
She took her pain medication and got comfortable. Trevor kicked off his plaid pajama pants and pulled his top over his head and pulled back the covers.
"I'm going to go to the toy store tomorrow and buy him another one of those weird alien things. He talked about it all the way home and he was playing with it the most it was the sweetest thing," he murmured before looking at Liv, "I think he should be rewarded for that."
"I think so too," she agreed. "Trev- could you please just… hold me tonight? I know I have to be careful of my ribs but I just really need you."
"Of course, baby," he said softly, "You get in to a position that's comfortable and I'll figure the rest out."
She managed a little laugh, "To be honest if my body was going to cooperate, the position I'd be in right now wouldn't be one where you'd be expected to do more than just to hold me all night."
"Olivia!," he exclaimed, shocked but he laughed too. "Actually," he began with a smirk, "I feel the same. I miss you. Two weeks feels like a lifetime."
"I'm comfortable," she announced, once snuggled down beneath the blankets. Trevor sidled up to her, slipping an arm beneath her head and she shimmied over a little further until her head was resting in the crook of his shoulder.
"Is that okay?" He asked, turning his body to face her, reaching across to stroke her cheek.
She nodded with a little smile, feeling better that they had avoided an argument. He leaned over and let his lips sink against the softness of her own, letting it linger for a moment longer than usual. "I love you," he informed her.
"I love you," she replied. She reached up and cupped his lightly bristled cheek in her own hand. "As scared and as insane as I might feel about this whole thing, I really want us to not end up like last time — I can't handle the emotional distance. I don't mean to make you feel like I'm pushing you away, I'm just frightened but I want to give you the space to be excited."
"I know, I know…" he replied.
He heard a noise and looked over to find Noah pushing his way in to their bedroom.
"What are you doing out of bed, Noah?" Trevor asked firmly.
He came around to his father's side, "I needed to ask a question," he murmured, afraid of getting in to trouble.
"What is it?" Trevor was all about business and Olivia let him deal with it, never wanting to undermine him.
"Well," he began, "I was thinking about my big sister," he said, "and I didn't ask her name, what's her name?"
"Oh…" Trevor murmured softly, immediately dropping his firm tone. "I'm so sorry, that was really silly of us, wasn't it?"
Olivia glanced at her husband and back to her son. Her breath hitched in her throat. "Your sister's name was Maisy," Trevor told him, "Maisy Langan."
Noah smiled, "I like that name. That's a good name," he said approvingly. "What will we name my little sister?," he asked.
"Okay now you're stalling. We haven't decided yet," Olivia told him, "it's time for you to go back to bed please."
"Can I get in to your bed?," he asked even though he already knew the answer. Olivia and Trevor tried never to allow him in to their bed, it was their private space and a habit that they didn't want to form. They sometimes allowed him to get in in the morning for a quick snuggle before bed or in the morning, but never for the full night. If he was sick or needed something during the night, they usually went to him.
"No honey, you need to go back to bed please. Dad and Mom are talking," Olivia replied.
He pouted and sighed. "You just wanna kiss," he muttered, screwing up his face as he started out the door with heavy footsteps.
Trevor buried his face in to his pillow to stop himself from laughing.
"Good night Noah, close the door most of the way like you found it, please."
"Goooooodni-iiight!," he called over his shoulder, closing the door, leaving just a little ajar so that they could hear him in the night.
Once Olivia was convinced he was back in his bed she turned back to Trevor. "Was it weird that he said that?," she chuckled.
"A little," he joined her smiling, "but he wasn't totally wrong, I do totally want to kiss you and I think its fine if kissing is normalised, it means we're happy and healthily in love…" He didn't wait for her to give an answer before he leaned over her once again, pressing his lips against hers. He broke away briefly to see that her eyes had fallen shut with delight. She lifted her head slightly to kiss him back, to feel his lips against hers that no doubt on another night without her stupid broken ribs, would have him undressing her and making love to her.
It wasn't the night for it, but she could at least enjoy some physical contact - she craved it and after the past two weeks of nothing but sheer pain when she moved, breathed, coughed or sneezed, it was entirely welcomed.
"Love you," he whispered against her mouth.
"Me, more," she murmured, opening her eyes. He kissed her one last time and smiled lovingly, smoothing her face.
"Not likely," he responded. He gave a little sigh of contentedness. He rested back down, close to her.
There was some silence for a moment as they both collected their thoughts.
"When you said before that you were trying to give me some space to be happy and excited, I wanted to just say that I don't need you to give me space. I want to have hope, Liv, I want to have hope that through a shitty thing that happened to you," he paused, thinking about the hit from BX9, "you found out something so wonderful and special and … unexpected and that we might be able to move on from our grief." It had taken a lot of years to be able to come to terms with what had happened, the grief, the trauma and the subsequent disappointments.
He tried not to think about the days surrounding the announcement of the 'non-viable' pregnancy. The clinical term had infuriated him at the time — as though it wasn't their child.
He sucked in a deep breath, clearing his thoughts. "Despite how perfect Noah is and how we don't differentiate biological from adopted in terms of our capacity to love, our hearts are still recovering and maybe this will help you realise that what happened with Maisy wasn't your fault."
"I can't help feeling like that…" she whispered, clearing her throat.
"I know that, sweetheart, I know that feelings aren't like a tap that you turn off, but you have always said that losing her made you feel like a failure; like you believed that you failed me and you failed her — but really, it was just a shitty thing that happened."
"The thing I've never really got past is that… day in and day out I see people giving birth to babies, getting pregnant, pumping the kids out — some entirely undeserving, some of these children unwanted — and its so easy… Everyone tells me I'm this fierce, strong, capable women that make men cower—"
"And you are," he interjected.
"So why was I so incapable of doing the one innately feminine thing that I could do? The one thing that as a woman, is sold to us as almost a primal reason for existing?," she questioned him, with tears in her eyes. "For months and months we tried, Trev, we did everything right and we did it with love and every time my period would come and my heart would ache because not only did I want to be able do this for me, I wanted to do it for you… and when I finally got pregnant I felt like it was all worth it, the tears, the guilt, the internalised failure, it all just disappeared and nothing else mattered."
He wiped tears from his own face. He could feel her pain and regret and most of all because he knew what she was going to tell him came next.
"Remember how excited we were? I stupidly told people before it was safe to and I should have waited and even as I was telling them I knew I should have waited but I was so excited and I thought I knew about loss already so if anything bad happened, it'd be easy to deal with…"
Trevor blinked back fresh tears as she got more emotional, tears streaming down her face as she spoke more emphatically. He wanted to say something to console her, but it was the most she'd spoken about her grief in years and he wanted her to get it out of her system.
"I knew something was wrong and I ignored it for a week, I felt it was off and then the cramping and—" she shook her head, she wiped her eyes, "and when there was no heartbeat… and all I could think about was that I'd brought it on myself with my happiness and giddiness and telling everyone— that that was God punishing me for allowing myself the fucking indulgence to be happy."
"You deserved happiness after everything you went through, you deserved it. You didn't do anything wrong by being happy and excited, Olivia, it wasn't anything you did."
"It was," she replied, "it may not have been something I decided, but it was something that my body did," she told him, desperate for him to blame her, if he blamed her, if he showed resentment, she would have maybe felt better. It somehow hurt more that he constantly showed her compassion and kindness and never once blamed her.
"But something was so broken inside of me that couldn't keep our child alive?," she asked, gripping his arms, her voice breaking and trembling, "I couldn't do the one basic thing that any fucking woman, crackhead, criminal, anti-child female on this planet could do — what did I do wrong? Why am I broken?," forgetting her ribs, he enveloped her in his arms as she broke down, sobbing against his chest, ignoring the pain in her side each time she sucked in air, breathing out her grief over and over again.
"You aren't broken, Olivia, you didn't do a thing wrong and this baby is going to prove that to you. This baby is going to be born healthily and happily with his Mom, Dad and brother welcoming her in to the world," he told her, "I know it. I know it because Noah has his Skylander watching over you…"
He heard Olivia laugh between her sobs. "I know it because we deserve this and we have waited and we didn't plan for it, we didn't put our lives in to it, we waited — we always said if in the future it happened it would be by a miracle and this is our miracle and you are not broken. She will grow up to be as wonderful and as beautiful spirited as Noah and you will never fail any of us. You've never failed in the past and you'll never fail in the future."
It felt good and comforting to have her husband consoling her — to be able to get it out and off of her chest, letting the grief empty itself out in the open, sharing something with him that she hadn't been able to verbalise at the time but had held on to so tightly all of the years since Maisy. He understood and he loved her and it helped to hear him promise her that it would be okay.
Even if it wasn't, even if something happened, she had him, she had Noah.
So, maybe it was okay to take it for what it was in the moment, to hold hope, to hold value in the life that was forming in her womb day by day.
"If something bad happens, will you still love me?," she asked, logically knowing it was a stupid question, but her paranoid brain felt as though it could possibly make him secretly resent her.
"What?," he asked, as if he was shocked, He stroked her hair gently and kissed her face a few times. "Olivia Benson, from the time you walked in to my life, you have been the only woman I have ever wanted. You are absolutely the love of my life and it's been just over ten years of us together, married for almost 8 and let me tell you that not a day goes by where I don't feel blessed to have you."
He kissed her again, "If something happens to your pregnancy, we will deal with it together with Noah as a family and we will get through it just like we did with Maisy. I will always be here for you, you and Noah are my dreams come true."
She sniffed, her nose blocked from all the crying. "Okay?" He pulled away so that he could see her red face, stained by tears.
Olivia nodded. "But I'm choosing to believe this baby is going to be fine and I am going to keep being positive about that," he added.
"Me too," she nodded, "but I don't think I want to tell anyone, not yet."
"That's totally understandable," he agreed, "I'm reluctant to want to tell anyone too. I won't even tell Zoe or Matthew." His sister and brother that he and Olivia were very close with. He couldn't bare to see his wife so worked up. She was calming down, but her face was hot and red and still stained by her tears. He kissed her cheek and then her temple and her forehead before her lips. "Whatever we need to do to get through this and make it enjoyable and relaxed, we need to do it. And remember, you don't need stress, you need to stay as relaxed as possible."
"Okay,"
"The second that you can, you're gonna receive the best massages, I'll make sure we're using the pool downstairs daily and I'll get you a fancy meditation app," he smiled. "And if you like, we can get a baby heartbeat monitor, just so when you're feeling anxious you can use it to hear her."
"Oh yeah," Olivia nodded with a smile, sniffing, "that would actually be a good idea. I forgot that that was a thing now." She wiped the last of her stray tears. "Thanks Trev… for always, always being my rock."
"Always," he repeated. "All you have to do is lean in to me and I'll try to never let you down."
"You never do," she shook her head.
"You know, in the way that you blame yourself for Maisy, I have always felt to blame for Lewis and even to some degree this whole BX9 thing…that I failed you."
Olivia shook her head, "You aren't to blame for that. Those were work things that neither of us could foresee…"
"I know that logically, just the way you know logically that losing the pregnancy wasn't your fault, but it doesn't stop that awful feeling deep within you that you could have somehow prevented it."
"How could you have prevented what I went through with Lewis?," she asked him. It was only a year in to their relationship when it happened. They had just moved in together and Trevor had been at work late when William Lewis had broken in, waiting for her.
"By not being such a workaholic, I could have been home, I would have been able to do something."
Olivia shook her head, "Trevor, you saw what he did to male victims, there was a good chance you would have opened the door and he would have shot you at close range in the head just for existing. He had no use for men, his MO was to take them off guard and kill them, or at least restrain them to make them watch the torture. I am eternally grateful that you were at work. I feel like it was a blessing in disguise rather than a failure on your behalf."
"You might be right, but I might have also been able to disarm him and restrain him or throw him out the fucking window or something. Instead we'll never know, but you… you were an innocent victim…"
"I would have gathered it be me than someone else, at least he never raped me."
He let out a heavy sigh. "But he assaulted you, he touched you, he threatened you, he raped others in front of you—-"
Olivia closed her eyes and winced, trying to get the images out of her mind. "Stop-" she said quickly, "please, can we stop talking about it? I don't want to think about it, it makes me panic to think about and I don't feel like vomiting tonight."
"Sorry," he said quickly, "I'm sorry."
"Its okay," she replied. "I just… don't really want to go back to that place in my brain any time soon if I can help it, but while you're busy wishing you could have been there, I was busy praying you wouldn't come home, so don't think of yourself as a failure to me for that."
He agreed only because he didn't want to continue talking about it, upsetting her. It didn't matter how much time had passed, the PTSD, the unwanted conversations, the flash backs, they were all fresh like it happened only a day or so earlier. Perhaps some of it was unresolved but either way she wasn't willing to go too far in to it below the surface any longer.
"I just wanted you to know that sometimes we have feelings that might not be valid, but we feel them and they're illogical and bring us a lot of pain but its okay, we can talk about it and assure each other…"
"I wish I had of been there when those sons of bitches came at you with a knife, but I wasn't… and I feel terrible about it, but…"
"But you didn't know, I didn't know. You were there for me the second that you could be."
Olivia inched that tiny bit closer, and gingerly turned more in to her side. "I think in hindsight, maybe if you hadn't startled the second guy, he may have come for me and maybe I wouldn't have gotten up at all, so you were there…" she reached up, resting her hand on his shoulder. "And without going to the hospital, we might never have found out about our baby."
"That is a very good point," he leaned in and kissed her, letting his tongue touch the tip of her own briefly enough to spark her feelings. He leaned back in again, parting her lips with his tongue. Olivia sighed softly with delight against him. Kissing was good, kissing her husband always felt good and it always softened whatever tension she had within her.
Trevor was special, she thought, different to any man that came before him. Sometimes it felt nice to make out like teenagers and not always lead to a means to an end. She knew that when he kissed her and it became heated, it didn't always have to lead to sex and he certainly never expected it.
Although, she never turned it down when things did go further. She was happy that after ten years they were stilly happy and flirty and loved each other's company more than anyone else in the world.
She felt her husband's hand looking for hers beneath the covers. He threaded his fingers through hers and pulled them around him slow, giving her time to protest if it hurt. Her tongue massaged against his as she kissed him back slowly and softly, enjoying the intimacy of the moment.
It was one of those situations where she wished he would be able to start undressing her and would flip her on to her back and take things a little further.
But, she thought frustratedly, she was out of commission.
Trevor pulled away first, she knew he needed to, she could feel him getting hard against her. He broke off the kiss, but went back in, weaning himself away kiss-by-kiss from the woman that he was so in love with.
"Nova," he said suddenly.
"What?"
"The name Nova… for our baby."
"What does it mean?," she asked. "I know it's astrology —but."
"It's a new, bright star… the word Nova comes from the Latin word Novus. Novus Stella," he informed her. He couldn't help himself, he leaned in and kissed her lips again, happy with himself. "What do you think?"
Olivia smiled and let go of his hand and placed it over the small bump. "I like it…"
"But?," he pressed.
"Let's … sleep on it. We'll keep it at number one and keep looking for names. We could change our minds, but I can see myself holding a beautiful baby Nova."
"And I can probably guarantee that she was created back when Noah stayed with Amanda for a few days while you and I went to Maui for a quick romantic getaway…"
Olivia grinned back at him, enjoying their physical closeness, reaching up to hold his face in both of her hands. "When we got drunk like high rollers on expensive champagne and had sex all night?"
"All weekend actually, if I recall."
Olivia blushed, "I'm a woman in my sexual prime, Trevor, don't tease me."
He laughed. "You really were in your sexual prime that weekend, well… I'm not complaining, I'm just reminding you," he quickly added when he saw she was making a motion to slap his cheek playfully.
He chuckled. "You are so sweet, you still blush, doesn't matter how well we know each other…"
She just smiled, her eyes searching his. "Nova huh…"
"I'll tell everyone she's my little Champagne Super Nova….like that depressing Oasis song," he chuckled.
"Don't you dare tell everyone that!" Olivia laughed. "But…. A supernova sounds actually so devastatingly adorable." She kissed her husband again.
"All of this anxiety and fear will be worth it when she's in our arms, Liv…" he said softly. "And I am so, so excited for that."
"I hope you're right… its really hard for me to focus on that, but I'll try so hard."
"Just… relax and be in the moment and we'll meet our little baby Nova when the time is right," he said gently.
Olivia nodded. She knew as he used the name that he liked for the baby, that it perfect. It sounded perfect, like they'd always been expecting their baby Nova. She held back from telling him, maybe she would have felt different in the morning, because her pain killers were starting to make her limbs feel heavy and her brain feel a little foggy, so perhaps in the morning Nova would sound stupid to her.
"Baby, I'm probably about to fall asleep," she informed him.
"I know, I can tell by your eyes," he replied. He gave her one last kiss on the lips. He reached behind him and turned the light off and rather than create distance between them he got close again and held her against him. "Love you, sweetheart. Sweet dreams."
"I love you," she replied simply. She yawned and let her eyes fall closed, thinking about all of the things they'd discussed as she fell asleep.
