Hi everyone, thank you so much for your comments and feed back on this one. I have been sick for the past week so I havent really had the chance to write, but I am a lot better and squeezed in a mere 20 pages in two days because I am climbing the walls with boredom. So, this is absolutely accidentally long, lol. Please leave me some feed back. Still a chapter or two left, its just taking me longer to get to the point - but I do love me some longterm-married Langson. :) What do you think? Also, to those asking YES I plan on getting back to my longer fictions, I just needed a break to concentrate on some ideas.

If you are a first time reader of my fic, check out: I Dont Know You Anymore, Everything After That and New York Minute if you want long Langson multichapter fics, or if youre after something short, I've recently been posting some little short and sweet bits and pieces that I may elaborate further on later. For now, its short fics until I finish one of the aforementioned three.

Love you guys and thanks for being so kind with your comments. 3


"I don't know…" Olivia sighed in to the phone, rubbing her swollen belly absently as a force of habit.

"You know this, Liv, it's just … intrusive thoughts making you think that actions are good or bad luck."

She felt a thud against her hand and couldn't help but to smile, Nova had been kicking a lot lately and she'd heard other pregnant women complain before, but to her, it was welcomed and she felt happy every single time she felt it. "I know you're right, but… it's just, I don't know…"

"Olivia!" Amanda laughed with frustration, "your baby is what, four weeks away? One more month. The baby is okay, you are okay. You deserve this one rite of passage as a mother, I am throwing you a baby shower."

"Can we call it something else?" Olivia asked, slowly. She was sick with anxiety at the idea of the party but she didn't know how else to make Amanda and Trevor's sister back off.

Her friend laughed, "Okay sure, what do you want to call it?,"

"Just a welcome party for the baby, I want men to be able to come too, I'd love Trevor and Noah to be there…"

"Well, we'd planned to all be there, you tell me where you want me to organise to host it and I'll do all the work and you don't need to lift a pinky," Amanda promised.

Olivia smiled to herself at the kindness of her long-time friend. She could go so far as to call Amanda her best friend. "Okay, thanks Amanda, this is so nice of you… can we keep it low-key? Not too many people?"

"I know you," Amanda chuckled, "I know better than to make this a huge event."

"And this is why I love you," Olivia laughed too. "We can host it at my apartment, I don't mind, I'll just have to get Trevor to clean up a little."

"No, I'll come on my day off and clean up for you, why didn't you say? I could have come and helped with some chores-"

"Because I have a perfectly abled husband and I can do some stuff, Trev just prefers that I don't."

"Good grief your husband is a king," she replied.

Olivia smiled, "I am really lucky, aren't I?"

"Yep," Amanda agreed, "but you guys are both angels, you are a perfect fit."

"Oh come on," Olivia sighed, "shit, it's almost 3, I have to go collect Noah from school. I'll text you a bit later, it's going to take some time to get up," Liv sighed, "I feel like a turtle on its back," she laughed in spite for herself.

"No no, stay there. I'm actually just down the road from Noah's school, I had to go speak to a witness. I'll get him, you just relax. I'll bring him home."

"You don't have to do that," Liv replied, "I'm not an invalid."

"I know but I'm right here. Just relax. I'm walking now. See you in a bit."

Olivia laughed and then sighed, "thanks, I'll see you soon,"

/

"Look at this belly," Trevor smiled, he was giddy with excitement at the countdown to meeting his daughter. He knew Olivia was tired and her hips ached and she was experiencing swelling in her hands and ankles which was sometimes uncomfortable.

Olivia laughed at his happiness as he dropped his work satchel. Olivia was propped up on a bunch of pillows, laying back reading a book. Laying flat was out of the question, it immediately made her feel dizzy and faint. He discarded his jacket and climbed on to the bed, laying his hands over the bare skin that was showing from beneath her t-shirt. He leaned down and kissed it gently. "Good afternoon baby," he spoke to it. "Daddy's home…"

"Where's Noah?" Trevor asked, pulling her shirt back down over the bump and continued to climb up over her legs, straddling her. Leaning over the baby and kissing his wife hello.

"I spoke to Amanda earlier and she insisted on picking him up. She took him with her back to the precinct because Sonny was there with Jessie and Sonny was taking them to the park for an hour or so…"

"Oh, nice. How are you feeling?"

"Tired, but I can't sleep… my ankles are like balloons," she pouted. He flopped down beside her and kissed her cheek.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'll give you a massage after my shower," he promised. "What do you want for dinner? I'll organise something."

"Oh, don't worry about that, I already prepared some bolognaise, we just have to heat it," she replied, feeling his hand finding her belly again, rubbing it gently. She covered his hand with her own.

"You're an angel," he smiled, "I love your spaghetti, I'll take left overs for lunch tomorrow if there's any."

"You don't need to, baby, I'm happy to make your lunch, I'm not totally invalid just yet. I just don't do well for too long on my feet right now."

"I know, but I appreciate it with everything that's going on," he replied. Without saying it, he was referring to her anxiety and state of mind. The pregnancy had been perfect and smooth sailing, but Olivia wasn't entirely certain that everything was going to continue going so well.

Every morning and every night she listened to the baby's heartbeat through the Doppler Trevor had bought just to ease her fears and as the time drew closer, she attached a lot of intrusive thoughts to the safe delivery of her child regardless of how illogical and stupid she knew that it was.

If you celebrate the baby before it arrives, something bad will happen.

If you opt of a c section, something might go wrong for both of you.

Even though you're allowed to have one coffee every day, you shouldn't, the research info might be incorrect, you could harm the baby.

The thoughts became exhausting and she knew how ridiculous it was, she had become too embarrassed to communicate it to Trevor so at times his frustration with her reluctance to do anything baby-related was evident.

He tried to understand but he wanted to do all of the things they'd been unable to do with the first pregnancy, before Noah. He wanted to have a baby shower or even a silly gender reveal despite knowing how indulgent it was. He wanted to be giddy and excited outwardly without Olivia feeling left behind in her caution.

"I'm trying…" her voice trailed.

It was the big unspoken, the void between them, happy as best as they both could be but still, there was a disconnect that nagged at Olivia like an itch she couldn't scratch and didn't help with her constant cloak of guilt.

"I know, sweetheart and I can see that, but I just want you to know that whatever is in your brain you can share with me and I won't be mad or disappointed with you."

Olivia stared at him for a moment and hesitated, wondering if she could tell him about the dark thoughts she constantly had. She changed her mind, hating what he would think if she got a little too honest. It would ruin his happiness and his excitement.

He could see he lost her again, he was waiting for something from her but when she fell silent, a little part of him felt let down. He didn't say anything either, he continued to rub her belly. "Okay, I'm gonna go have a shower and I have a surprise for you downstairs… so wait for me and I'll show you."

"Okay, thanks baby," she smiled.

/

"Don't peek, keep your eyes closed…" Trevor told Olivia as he walked her down the steps to the foyer. "Okay last step…"

He pulled her a few steps closer to the pram he had bought after researching for weeks. Olivia seemed far less interested in it than he did, so he bit the bullet and went ahead and paid for one.

"Okay, open your eyes…"

Olivia opened them and looked around for the surprise. Her eyes finally registered the expensive looking, brand new pram that was set up by the front door. Her breath caught in her throat. She took three deep breaths as Trevor waited for her reaction with a big, warm smile, "what do you think?"

She tried to keep calm but all she could think about was how he had just put the baby at risk. "Why did you do that?," the words fell out of her mouth sounding accusatory and ungrateful, she knew it but she didn't have the power to stop them, "why would you go ahead and buy the pram now?"

He seemed confused, not yet annoyed by her response. "Because, love, Nova could potentially arrive tomorrow, we need to be prepared and so far we've got nothing and I asked for your input and you said you didn't mind, that it was whatever I wanted."

"But I didn't know you were just going to go out and start buying things, we don't even know if-" her sentence fell short, she stopped herself.

"If what?," he pushed, "we don't know if what?," he let go of his wife's hand, the frustration finally setting in.

"I can't…" she shook her head, "please don't buy anything else for the baby, I can't deal with it.. not until it's here."

"Olivia," Trevor began, keeping his voice calm and reigned in, not wanting to raise his voice, but he was angry and frustrated, "Nova is coming whether you want to accept it or not, she is coming and we can't put her in a tiny basket like a puppy by the side of the bed."

She didn't respond, she didn't want him to hear the panic in her voice or the tears that were dangerously close to falling from her eyes in sheer terror of what his purchase could have just truly cost them — the life of their daughter.

Preparing meant possibly jeopardising the baby's existence just like it had with Maisy.

She went directly back to their room and closed the door behind her. She dressed back down to her underwear and got in to bed, pulling the covers up high around her. The anxiety she felt was nothing like she'd ever experienced. She had the shakes and she had never wanted to avoid anything as much as she did talking about the baby.

She felt relief when after five or so minutes, Trevor hadn't come to check up on her. She felt embarrassed for her reaction, but she couldn't help it.

Finally when the bedroom door opened, she expected to see Trevor but it wasn't, it was Noah. He ran in and gave Olivia a cuddle. "Hi Mommy!," he greeted her with a big smile. "I had so much fun with Uncle Sonny today," he informed her. He patted her belly and smiled, "Hiya baby!"

Olivia smiled faintly at her son. "That's good, what's Daddy up to?," she wanted to know.

Noah shrugged, "Talking to Aunt Amanda, Daddy said I have to go and say hello and then get my pajamas and wait in the bathroom for my bath."

"Good idea, as soon as you have your bath you'll be eating dinner." She hugged her son again and kissed his temple. "Go do as Dad asked, don't forget to say hello to Emily, she's wanted to see you all day."

"I know, Mommy, Emily gave me cuddles when I came in the door."

"Okay honey," Olivia kissed him and let go of him.

/

"Are you coming downstairs to eat dinner?" Trevor asked gently, letting himself in to the dark bedroom. It had been almost an hour since her outburst downstairs and rather than remaining angry with her, he was trying his best to just treat her with compassion and understanding even though she had clearly been closely guarding her feelings.

"I don't think I'm hungry," she murmured, not making any effort to roll over to face him or acknowledge his voice behind her.

Trevor circled the bed and sat on the edge, placing his hand on her shoulder. "I'll take the pram back tomorrow, I should have waited for you to come with me instead of making the decision myself."

Olivia said nothing and just nodded.

"So, I spoke to Amanda, she mentioned that you guys talked about a baby shower thing today, she wants to come next Friday morning to clean up a little, but I can do most of it next Thursday night when I get back from work," he was trying so hard to get a reaction from her, something to show him that everything was alright.

"Oh yeah… that…" she sighed, feeling tension and a sense of being overwhelmed with negative and dark thoughts, "I'm thinking of asking her to cancel it, I don't think its really… my thing, the more I think about it…"

Trevor drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "How come?"

"It's just a lot of pressure, what if I don't feel good? I don't know a lot of people from your work — I don't know, it just seems like a lot. I don't know that I'm up for it and I tried to tell Amanda but she kind of caught me off guard."

He wanted to be compassionate but he also wanted to celebrate for himself too, he wanted his friends and her friends to come together and celebrate Nova. He wanted to get swept up in the excitement and see his wife smile and wear a dress and look sexy and glowing and ready for their new baby.

"Liv," he started but then he clipped his sentence short.

"What, Trevor? You've clearly got something to say, just say it…" she heard the edge to his voice and knew that his annoyance was building up. She felt terrible of robbing him of the experiences he'd get to have if she was any other normal woman who had been able to deliver a biological child to him the first time around.

He stood up, "I'm trying too, Olivia," he said frustratedly, "I'm trying so hard to just … go along with whatever you need and whatever you want, but what about what I want?"

"Do what you want," she replied, "do what you want, but I'm not going to risk the baby for a fucking party or a pram or… whatever else," her voice was monotone as though all of her fight was gone and she was done.

"What?," he was confused, "what on earth are you talking about? You're not even making sense!"

She furiously wiped away the tears that she was glad he couldn't see in the darkness of their bedroom. "I don't want dinner," she said finally, unable to answer his questions, "I don't want to eat, thanks anyway."

"Liv…" his voice trailed off, he could hear that her voice was close to breaking. "I need to know what's going on with you, you're hot and cold with me and I can't stand it, I need you to just talk to me."

"I don't want to talk," she replied firmly. "You wouldn't understand. You think I'm being crazy and you don't want to hear what I've got to say."

He rubbed his face and drew in another deep breath trying to summon up the very little patience he had left for her behaviour. "Because you won't explain yourself, you're coming out with crazy stuff without any context and I can't help you if you don't try."

He heard her let go of a sob but he refrained from comforting her. "I just want you to leave me alone," she murmured - her voice more of a whisper. He felt pained by just how sad and depressed she seemed to be. It wasn't how the pregnancy was supposed to go.

A month earlier she had seemed perkier, happier and more excited about the birth of their baby and now, only mere weeks away from the baby's arrival, something had changed, she seemed to be depressed, fatigued by the idea of a baby. She stopped using the name they'd assigned to their daughter and referred to the baby as an it.

Maybe it was hormones and depression, he wondered, but he didn't have it in him to address it, he needed to feed his son and calm down a little.

/

"Daddy, is Mommy mad?" Noah asked when Trevor tucked him in to bed. "She didn't eat dinner or come and say goodnight to me."

"Mommy's not mad," he told his son, kissing him on the forehead, "Mommy just doesn't feel very well. She didn't eat dinner because she's sick in the tummy and she's asleep now… She will give you a kiss goodnight when she wakes up later."

"Okay," Noah nodded with understanding, "is my sister making her feel sick?"

"I think so, but don't worry yourself, my heart, Mommy will be feeling better in no time."

"Daddy, how many sleeps til we meet Nova again?"

Trevor smiled at him, "We can't know exactly, but maybe about 20 days, maybe a few less or a few more."

"That's exciting, when will we paint her bedroom? You said it has to be ready for her."

"I know, maybe next weekend, we'll see how Mommy feels." He gave Emily a pat. "Okay now quit stalling, it's time for you to sleep. One more day at school and then we can do something fun on the weekend."

"Ooh, like what?"

"I don't know, kiddo, you have a think about it. We could go to the park or go see a movie, maybe to the tree-climbing park, its up to you…"

Noah grinned, "Yeahhh, thanks Daddy."

"Good night, I love you Noah," he kissed his son and gave him a hug before turning on his night lamp and turning off the main light. He left his door ajar and headed down the hall to his own room.

/

Olivia rolled over, opening her eyes and yawning. She knew it was late. She eased herself up slow, the baby was making her hips ache in a way that she didn't think was possible. She had no idea the kind of pain carrying a child this far along would cause.

She was thankful still, because getting the baby to 36 weeks of pregnancy seemed like a blessing. And each time it moved she rejoiced, even if she did just get stomped on, almost letting her bladder loose. She barely made it to the bathroom before she felt another kick. She winced in pain as she relieved herself. Sometimes, she had just finished peeing and the baby would kick her again and she would have to sit straight back down again.

It seemed like a game, a cruel one, but one that Olivia was still thankful to be able to play.

She washed her hands and knew that she would have to speak with her handsome husband who sat in bed with his glasses on, leaning back on the headboard, scrolling through the iPad. She made her way to the closet and changed in to some pajamas slowly. It seemed to be her one default mode; slow.

Finally she got herself back in to bed. She reached for the doppler that was sitting on her bedside - the one comfort she had that she was able to rely on whenever she felt anxious — that and the kicking.

Trevor watched her fasten it around her belly and switch it on at a low volume. She sidled up beside him and rested her head on his shoulder. He felt his frustration and anger with her slowly dissipating. He knew she was anxious and worried, he knew it every time she fastened the heartbeat monitor on her belly. He knew she wasn't trying to be mean or spiteful or even difficult, she was just not coping very well.

He reached up, curling his arm around under her chin to stroke the side of her face that was farthest from him. He turned his head slightly to kiss her temple as her eyes fell shut. "I love you," she murmured. "I'm sorry for before."

"I love you too and it's okay."

She listened to the strong heartbeat coming from the baby and she felt centred and calm. "What are you looking at?," she dared to ask, not sure if she had the energy for the conversation, but knew what was coming anyway.

"Just … trying to get a list going of things we need for Nova." He felt her body tense and then slowly, very slowly relax again. "Amanda asked us for a list of things we don't have and need-" he added.

"I told her specifically no gifts."

"I know that, I said that too, but she said that people are still going to buy something and it'd just be better to let them know what we need rather than end up with a bunch of stuff that we don't," he explained.

"Trev, I really don't know about this party…" she said with a sigh, "I don't know if I can-"

"Okay," he said putting the iPad down. "We really need to talk, Liv, because you're struggling, I can see that and I am trying my best to be patient and compassionate because I love you so much, but something is just not adding up at the moment. I feel like you've backtracked and I feel on edge to even mention Nova…as though I'm not even sure of the reaction I'll get."

She sat up, but Trevor wasn't going to let her get too far away from him. He got closer and put an arm around her shoulder and drew her in, wrapping both of his arms around her, pulling her back against him. She rested her head on his shoulder. "I know you're going to think I'm insane," she choked on a half-sob and half-laugh, "because I know its insane."

"I might think it's insane, but I might also understand," he replied, kissing the crown of her head.

"Its just all these niggling feelings of…" she thought about how to word it, "if you celebrate the baby before she's arrived, she won't arrive-"

Trevor thought about quickly quashing her fear but wanted to give her time to get it all off her chest.

"Or, if you buy a crib or a pram or decorate the room its like tempting fate and she won't arrive, or she will but … something will be wrong— and I'll have failed and you won't love me anymore or you'll blame me or Noah will hate me for promising him a sister and— it's just so … fucking overwhelming."

He stroked her hair from her face as she let her feelings out. She felt the his fingertips brushing against her neck as he pushed the hair from her face, stroking it, running his forefingers over the skin of her cheek soothingly.

She was lucky to have him, lucky that he loved her so much still after all the years. The truth was though, he felt lucky to have her too. Lucky that after everything they'd been through, they turned to each other, not away from one another. His lips found her forehead as he felt deeply for the pain that he could hear in her tone.

"And then that feeling has just spiralled… if you use the baby's name something bad might happen, if you eat the wrong thing, something could happen — even when I ignore that feeling and push back against it, I get anxiety so bad that I find it hard to breathe, so even eating has become difficult," she admitted.

"Oh, Liv…" he sighed, not realising how toxic her brain had become, understanding how lonely she must have been feeling when he was busy being happy and carefree, able to enjoy the idea of their child coming in to the world without the negative thoughts attached.

"You can't live like this, sweetheart…"

She wiped tears from her eyes. "But I don't know what else to do…" she wiped her eyes.

Trevor thought for a moment, for something to say to comfort her, but it was difficult to come up with anything that could take it all away. "Baby, I guess my take is that you inherently know, as do I, that we have zero control over what happens with Nova and what happened with Maisy. We have no control over how Nova comes in to the world, we don't, Liv, do we?"

She shook her head.

"And your brain is trying so hard to get some sense of control because last time you were pregnant, you genuinely thought everything was going to be fine and a situation occurred where there wasn't a single thing we could do… so your brain is just trying to manage your pregnancy with these … little superstitions-"

"Amanda called it magical thinking," she interjected.

"Yeah, magical thinking," he agreed, "you think that an action is going to determine the outcome and I know you know how illogical that is."

"I know, and I tell myself it's stupid, but then I know if something bad happens I'm going to think about that time I did that thing my brain told me I shouldn't have done and maybe I should have listened."

He squeezed his wife tight and held her. "What if she doesn't come?" She murmured, reciprocating the comfort he was provided. "Trevor, what if our daughter doesn't make it? What if I can't protect her?" He heard her voice break as the tears well and truly spilled out. "What if my body kills our daughter?"

"It won't," he murmured, but knew his words weren't going to do much to assuage her fears.

"You don't know that, I can't have this party, I don't know what to do— I want to be happy, I want to just feel normal—"

"Olivia," he began firmly, creating some distance, "Olivia I need you to listen to me, okay?" He wiped the tears that fell from her face, "listen to me,"

She looked at her husband, ashamed and embarrassed. "I need you to trust every word that comes out of my mouth, okay?"

She nodded again. "You are not going to spend the rest of this pregnancy riddled by anxiety, I'm not letting you, I am not letting you lay here depriving yourself of the joy of our child."

Olivia went to say something but he stopped her. "Honey, what is your absolute worst case fear?"

"That something will happen, that there will be a complication or I won't be able to protect her-" she repeated as if she hadn't just told him all of her fears.

"And then what?" He pressed.

"And then I won't have a baby to show for this past 9 months — Noah won't have a sister, you won't have a daughter and it'll be my fault." She spoke slow, wondering what he was doing, pushing her to speak her worst fears out loud.

"And then what?," he continued.

She seemed frustrated with him, "Trevor— what are you doing?"

"Humour me, honey, if something bad happens, you think we won't have a daughter, Noah won't have a sister and it's all your fault, and what else?"

Quietly she continued, "everyone will think I'm a failure and you… you might resent me, hate me, want to leave me, Noah will resent me."

"Okay," he nodded slowly, calmly, wondering which way to tackle her fears. "Can you hear her heart beat right now?" He asked, referring to the doppler.

"Yes," she sniffed.

"Its strong, its thumping, it's a perfect rhythm," he smiled, "that's your daughter living it up, kicking you in the belly, stomping on your bladder and really having a good time," he paused to kiss her lips. "So, let's just … concentrate on that for a moment and take some deep breaths."

She was endlessly grateful for her husband, saying everything out loud suddenly didn't seem as scary as it felt and his reaction wasn't disgust or fury or even annoyance. He was trying his best to be supportive and understand.

She took some deep breaths with him.

"When Nova comes in to the world, are you going to lock yourself in your bed with her and never let her leave the house for fear of something bad? What's the plan, Olivia?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, we let Noah leave with a nanny and we trust that she is going to get him to school safely, that no harm will come his way. We take him to the police precinct where criminals come and go and he hangs out sometimes and we never concern ourselves with whether or not he is safe, we just accept that he is and that we have lots of people around us who will help us with that."

"Right…" Olivia agreed. She had an idea of where he was headed with his point.

"And when Nova is born, just like Noah, she could fall and bump her head, she could eat the wrong thing and have a reaction, she could get sick and need the hospital — but just like this pregnancy, we have zero control over it, we just trust that we will do everything possible in our power without stopping her or us from living our lives. No amount of hand-holding or brain-games or magical thoughts is going to prevent her or Noah from danger if its presented."

"I'm just so scared and it's so exhausting."

"Let it go, Liv… if something bad happens we will deal with it. I won't leave you, I won't resent you. We will be heartbroken the way we were with Maisy, we will grieve and we might take a long time to get through it, but we will and Noah will still be a big brother and I will still be a Dad to a daughter and you, a mother to a daughter, we just won't have her with us but we will endure, Olivia, I promise you that."

She nodded. She felt him take her cheeks in his hands.

"We are going to plan her room this weekend, we are going to write a list of the things we need and you are going to start using her name again and we are going to continue showering her with love and stories and songs and cuddles when she's busy inside your belly at 3 in the morning."

Olivia managed a laugh. "She's going to keep me up every night isn't she?"

Trevor laughed too and nodded, kissing her lips again. "Yes baby, she is going to leave us so sleep deprived that we will both be walking zombies."

He thumbed away fresh tears from her eyes. "I hate seeing you so worked up and so sad, Liv. Nova is coming in a few short weeks and I know you want everything to be perfect for her, so we need to prepare. Okay?"

She nodded.

"I love you baby," he said softly, "please believe me, Nova is coming and she is perfectly healthy and if you don't believe me, believe the amount of times you've peed your pants this week," he teased good-naturedly.

She managed a laugh. "I love you…"

"And we're having the party. You need this, we both do. You need to know that regardless of whatever outcome happens that we have no control over, our baby's life has value and is worth celebrating."

"That's a good perspective," she murmured in agreement.

He kissed her forehead. "How do you feel about the pram right now?," he wanted to know.

"Don't take it back… I'll have a good look at it tomorrow." It felt silly but the words were a push because despite everything, she didn't trust her own judgment but she certainly trusted Trevors. He was always logical, calm and collected even in his fears. She trusted his words because he always knew how to talk her off the edge and he did it with so much love and sincerity that she trusted him more than she trusted her own brain.

"Okay…" he reached back over and picked up the iPad. "Amanda sent me a link to make a little online registry for baby stuff. I think… maybe a little step should be us selecting a few things now to put on it."

Olivia breathed in a deep breath and placed one hand on her belly as if it was a hand of protection. "Okay."

"Let's have a little bit of fun with this, Nova is going to benefit from all of this stuff, so we need to choose carefully."

When Olivia thought about holding her baby in her arms and bringing her home from the hospital, she didn't imagine a blank room, she imagined a room that was set up and waiting. Trevor had a point, she couldn't be placed in a basket, she needed things that had to be ready before she arrived. It was necessary.

"Diapers," Olivia blurted out.

"Huh?"

"We need diapers… I want to be eco-friendly and get the reusable ones but I also know that I'm going to be lazy some days and want disposable ones too."

"Diapers…" Trevor smiled, thankful for her input. He felt her sinking her head back on to his shoulder, threading her wrist beneath his arm, holding on to him while he scrolled. He found the diaper page. "Okay, how about this… you have these cute little eco-diapers, look at the cute little patterns."

Olivia couldn't help but to smile. She always got a lot of joy out of buying baby clothes and items for friends who had daughters, even if it was a little bittersweet and even if there was a tiny part of her that liked to pretend it was for Maisy.

It was her turn again and Trevor was right, even if it meant forcing herself at first, perhaps it would come easier the more she pushed herself. "I like the little strawberry pattern ones," she pointed to a pack of three reusable diapers with inserts and snaps that were adjustable for when the baby got bigger. "Maybe those and another pattern…"

Trevor felt relief washing over him as she seemed a little more engaged than the last time he had tried to implore her to choose some things. "Let's maybe choose three packs,"

She chose a third set with woodland animals on them and then they moved on to other items like baby wraps and muslin cloths and some summer and winter jumpsuits. "I don't really like the idea of trying to dress our daughter in fancy dresses and outfits that a toddler would like, I just want her to be comfortable and warm for the first few months so… maybe just some coloured or patterned jumpsuits."

"I agree, she'll have plenty of time for cute dresses or matching outfits." Olivia answered.

They scrolled through some stuff and chose some necessary items and he somehow managed to convince her that they should check out a few baby stores over the weekend to buy a change table and a crib and something portable for their bedroom.

/

"I'm sorry," were the first words that fell out of her mouth as Trevor walked in to the bathroom to check on her. "I'm really sorry, I'm okay I'm just—"

"Baby," he said softly, "its totally okay, you don't need to apologise to me." He took her hands as she sat on the edge of the tub and pulled her to her feet. "You don't need to apologise. You knew you were feeling a little on tenterhooks about today but you're fine and we planned out how we would calm things down and ready you, right?"

She nodded.

"Okay, go ahead, brush your teeth and do whatever you need to do and I'll be back in two seconds."

She didn't know what she would do without him. She ignored the dizzying feeling that the anxiety attack had created and focused on her tooth brush and her toothpaste. A few moments later as she began to brush, Trevor reemerged in the bathroom and came up from behind. He reached around her and placed the doppler over her tummy. He smiled at her in the mirror.

"I love you, everything is going to be fine today and it's time for you to get some reassurance from your daughter herself." He switched it on and immediately Olivia was relieved to hear the sound of her baby's strong heartbeat.

"See?"

Olivia spat the toothpaste out and rinsed her mouth. "Thanks…" she replied. "Tell me its okay — doing this thing today, its okay…"

She put her tooth brush back in the holder and turned to face her dutiful husband who had been putting up with a lot of her craziness since she'd found out she was pregnant. Or at least, that's how she felt in her head.

"Its okay. It's okay to put on that gorgeous dress you bought last weekend, it's okay to let Amanda and my sister come in here and organise the party that they have so desperately wanted to do for you for over a month, its okay to eat as much cake and as much junk food as you like and its okay to enjoy yourself while doing all of that — and its okay to enjoy Nova too."

"Thanks," Olivia nodded, taking in his words. "And if I get worried, I'll come and find you."

"Perfect. But it's going to be fine, Amanda and Zo are going to take care of you and they know Liv, you told them and that was a big step and now they're both looking out for you too. If you need to come back up here and listen to Nova, you just do it…"

He put his hands on the bulge of his wife's belly and immediately he felt Nova kick.

They both laughed. "You might not need to come and put the heartbeat monitor on," he laughed, "you might need an adult diaper if she continues to kick and stomp around though."

They both shared a tension-relieving laugh. There was another dull thud against his hand again that made Olivia wince. "I can't tell you how strange that feels," she chuckled, placing her hand over his. "Its so bizarre and I love it, even if it does hurt sometimes."

Trevor's smile grew. "I love when you can feel her moving around, its when you really light up…"

"I hope she knows this party is all about her today, I hope she'll keep showing herself."

"Today is going to be wonderful, I promise." He kissed her lips.

/

"I'll just go and see if anyone wants something from here," Liv said, grabbing a tray of h'orderves from the kitchen counter.

"Absolutely not," Zoe, Trevor's tall, waif, white-blonde younger sister came to her side and snatched the platter from her. "Go and sit your butt down crazy lady, this is a party for Mommy, Daddy and the kids, you are not the host."

She was two years younger than Olivia and seven years younger than Trevor who was the eldest of the three.

"But the two people I want to hang out with the most are busy being the hosts," she hissed so nobody would hear her.

"Olivia," Zoe warned her, raising an eyebrow. She may have been younger, but she was certainly more bossy, Liv thought. "Mom is harassing Sonny over there, maybe you should save him."

Olivia lifted a fresh glass of a cocktail that they'd made for her to her lips and smirked, watching the older woman talking Sonny's ear off. He nodded politely, smiling like the perfect gentleman. "Nah, I kind of like watching him squirm," she chuckled.

"Sonny loves it," Amanda pitched in, "he probably thinks it's great. He loves the elderly."

"That doesn't bode well for you, does it?" Olivia couldn't help but to quip. Amanda made a face and swept past her to take some more little bits and pieces from the oven.

"I knew Matthew would come in handy for something," Zoe marched back in to the kitchen and wrapped her arms around her sister-in-law. "He's out there offering food, and you, what can I get you?!"

"Nothing, I'm good standing here in the kitchen eating whatever comes out of the oven… trying not to pee my pants with the baby stomping on my bladder."

"Are you gonna tell everyone the gender of the baby today or do we have to wait?"

"I mean… we weren't telling anyone," she replied. But they weren't telling anyone because of Olivia's magical thoughts that she was trying so hard to push past, not because they had some sense of secrecy. "I could tell just you two," she said quietly.

Zoe put down the plate and Amanda stopped doing what she was doing. She grabbed one of the mimosas from the bunch of campaign flutes that lay prepared off to the side of the counter. She rests her elbows on the counter top. Olivia almost laughed at their instant full attention.

"What do you both think I'm having?"

"Girl," Zoe replied without flinching. Slowly Amanda nodded after glancing at Trevor's sister. "Yeah girl."

Olivia laughed, "her name will be Nova," she whispered, checking around her.

"Oh my gosh, Liv!" Zoe circled the counter to meet the woman that her brother had been with for over a decade— her best friend, someone she truly did consider a sister, not just out of familial duty. She hugged her and kissed her cheek. "Congratulations! I am so excited for you! Adeline is going to be so excited to be a big cousin!"

Olivia found herself beaming despite some reservations she had about telling them both. She hugged Amanda too. "I'm excited," she said aloud for the first time. "I mean, I have some … irrational fears, even saying her gender out loud, using her name…. It's-"

"A challenge," Amanda offered.

Olivia nodded. "I've started speaking to the therapist daily this week because its been a hard time, but we're getting there. I finally let Trev talk me in to buying furniture last weekend and he's transitioning to work-from-home this week until we find our footing with her."

"That's so exciting Liv, you're doing all the right things and we are going to be here for you every step of the way."

Olivia let her two closest women cuddle her, supporting her as always. She felt positive and even more so when she felt the kick of her daughter right the middle of her belly. "Oooft, she has super strong legs," she chuckled.

Zoe placed her hand over Liv's belly and waited until she felt some kicking too.

"Hey, hey, what's going on here?" Nick asked with a little smile, "your baby kick boxing in there, Liv?"

Olivia looked up at the detective she'd been partnered with for years and nodded with a smile. "Yeah, I've got a little fighter, I think."

"Just like her mama then, huh?"

She drew in a deep breath, the smile not leaving her face. "Thanks Nick," she murmured.

"Okay detective what do you need? This is a woman-only meeting." Zoe informed him.

"Oh, Trev said there's beer supply in the fridge, I've come refill us."

"Help yourself and tell Trevor he should get his own beers," Zoe told him. "He knows where its at."

"No way, we promised these two they wouldn't have to lift a finger today, and they're not going to," he told them helping himself to some fresh beers and rinsing out the empty bottles for the recycling trash.

"I miss working with Nick," Olivia blurted out once he had left them to it.

"I wish you gave me that same energy," Amanda joked, but she knew what her boss meant. She loved working with the impassioned detective too.

"I do miss working with you, I miss our 'coffee runs'" Olivia winked. Their coffee runs sometimes involved sitting in with sweet pastries or donuts and discussing life and relationships until maybe a work call came through, and even then sometimes they made Fin take it just because he only liked to take specific cases — the easier ones.

Amanda chuckled.

"Baby…" Trevor came in to the kitchen, he'd been looking for Liv, checking in with her and making sure she was okay. He looked at the two women, "everyone is looking for you, babe," he told his wife.

"I know, I just wanted to hang with the girls for a minute…"

"You're hiding out," he replied, seeing through her excuse.

Olivia was like that, pregnant or not pregnant, she hated to be the centre of attention and always stayed as close as possible to the exit, wanting to mingle only with those that she fully felt comfortable with.

He understood, at times he felt similar, but everyone that was currently inside his apartment were the people that he felt comfortable around. He wasn't sure if Liv entirely felt that way around his workmates, but her staff always did their best to make him feel like one of them and his own office tried to do the same.

He wrapped his arms around his wife and placed his hands upon the giant ball beneath the fabric of her dress. "Are you good?," he asked.

She turned her head and let him kiss her lips softly. "Yeah, I'm good… I just told these two that we're having a girl and her name."

Trevor grinned and kissed her again - it was progress. "Okay, I'm telling Matt then, is that okay?"

Olivia grinned back at him and nodded. "Good, now come with me, we need to go and mingle a little, you can't hide out here all day. Even Noah is making the rounds."

Everyone laughed. "Yeah, but our son is a social butterfly. He and Emily are probably seeing what junk food they can scam."

"That's true, I'm sure I've seen Noah and Em eat more than their fair share of cupcakes today… but what the hell," he shrugged.

"That's fine but you can clean up either one of their vomit should they eat too much," she told him. She picked up her mocktail and let her hand fall in to her husbands. She gave the girls a little wave. "Sorry, I'll be back."

"They'll live without you," Trevor remarked guiding her out of the kitchen area and in to the large, wide living space of the apartment they were supposed to move out of shortly after the BX9 attack. Finding out she was pregnant and dealing with her broken ribs had put their plans on the back burner for awhile. They still owned the townhouse they'd purchased, but they were waiting for a few months longer until life was a bit calmer.

Everyone was having a nice time, she could tell. She decided to alleviate Sonny from her mother-in-law who she could tell was somewhat stuck with. It wasn't that there was any issues with Trevor's mother, but she could chat for days and she especially loved Sonny.

"Hey what's going on here?" She asked, taking a seat beside Trevor's Mom as Trevor was called on by a friend. "Sonny, I think Amanda needs you in the kitchen."

"Oh, right…" he stood up, "I'll catch up with you in a bit, Margot," he smiled, patting her arm as he made his way out to the kitchen, understanding that Olivia was liberating him.

"How are you going, sweetheart?" Margot asked, turning to her daughter-in-law. "Are you feeling okay today?"

Olivia nodded and smiled. "Yeah, I'm fine, thanks. Trevor has been amazing and of course Zoe and Amanda are just angels," she gushed. "Thank you for coming, I know it was a little bit of a trek from Philly."

"Of course, I wouldn't miss my grandchild's baby shower for the world and I love seeing Noah and Adeline and the twins."

The twin boys belonged to Matthew, Trevor's younger brother. Perfect twin boys that arrived just a 8 months after Maisy should have. She still felt a little disconnect from the boys despite how much she tried. But still, as time went on the relationship got stronger helped by the fact that Noah was now old enough to invite them over for play dates and lately he was pushing for his first sleepover and so were the twins, Michael and Henry.

She and Trevor had agreed that the next time they asked, if it was doable with work and schedules, they'd allow it. Matthew and Therese understood how protective both parents were of their only child so they gave them time to adjust to the idea even if it did seem a little pedantic at times to them.

"They should have brought the kids," Olivia told her mother-in-law, "we told them to, but I dunno, maybe they didn't feel comfortable."

"I think Zoe wanted a chance to have a few drinks," Margot informed her, "its nice for her to have some time to herself," she added.

It was a little bit of a situation that nobody knew how to help Trevor's sister with. After being with her partner, Stu for a little over 6 years, it seemed that things weren't going well. It started with the little things, her partner not wanting to come along to family get togethers, prioritising work over time with Zoe and their three year old daughter.

Zoe held her cards close to her chest much like Olivia, but she had admitted quietly to her a few weeks earlier that she had suspected that Stu had been cheating or that there was possibly another woman and to Olivia's surprise, Zoe felt ambivalent about it.

"It'll be nice for her to let her hair down," Olivia agreed, "if she ever sits her butt down for half a minute," she added.

"Oh you know, Zo-Zo, she can't keep still, she has been so excited about putting this together with Amanda, you know, she's been preparing like it is her life's calling."

They both laughed.

Olivia understood that more than anything, Zoe needed to stay focused on things or else she had the propensity to become depressed and if her history was anything to go by, the busier they were able to keep her, the better.

But still, with work and everything else, the moments for downtime with her sister-in-law were few and far between. Instead they lived on phone calls and texts and occasional Face Time calls. It wasn't enough, not for Trevor and not for her, not when compared to how often they saw Matthew and his wife.

Maybe a little too much for Olivia. Matthew was fine, but his wife was just not the one she wanted to socialise with outside of the family dynamic.

"Mommy! Grandma! Emily snuck my vanilla cupcake when I put it down for one second and look, its all in her hair!" Noah giggled.

Olivia smiled at her son and reached for him. "Aww Em," she grabbed a napkin with her spare hand and waited for their adorable and usually kempt dog to make her way closer. "Come here darling," she reached under her chin and pulled out a few clumps of cake and made a face. She wiped her fingers on the napkin before screwing it up and handing it to her son. "Could you please go and put this in the trash in the kitchen for Mommy?," she asked, "and I think you've both had enough cake. Emily will be sick, she shouldn't be eating it, we've talked about this, you need to be very careful what we give her to eat, okay?"

Noah nodded, "Okay Mommy but it was an accident."

"I know, but still, I hope that cake wasn't chocolate, I've told you that chocolate can make her very, very, very sick."

"It wasn't chocolate, Mommy, it was vanilla and it had pink frosting, not chocolate." he confirmed.

"Okay but no more. If you want something to eat now, I need you to come and ask me and I will get you something and maybe later tonight you can have something else sweet."

He nodded seriously.

"Good boy," she kissed his cheek and wiped a little smear of chocolate away from his mouth, "come back when you're done putting this in the trash." She gently reminded him about the napkin, patting his little hand.

/

Slowly but surely their guests started to leave and Olivia was pooped. Trevor was a little tipsy and Noah was asleep on his grandmother's lap after a huge sugar crash. A few others lingered and said their goodbyes and before Liv knew it, Trevor and his sister were bringing out left over finger foods and hard and soft cheeses and placing them on the coffee table.

"I know for a fact you barely ate today, and neither did we," Trevor told Liv, "and I need to eat to soak up all of these beers."

"Mmmm food," Olivia smiled. She got so caught up chatting to everyone that she had genuinely forgotten to eat, but now that everything was in front of her, she couldn't wait to put something in her stomach.

"Fruit…" she sighed happily. Since being pregnant she had become obsessed with fresh pineapple and watermelon.

"Zoe are you staying tonight or?" Liv asked, wondering if she was going to get to have extra time with her sister-in-law.

"Mmmm, I should probably go home, make sure Stu is properly watching Addy… she's probably drinking wine, smoking a packet of cigarettes reading a copy of Seventeen while he's watching ESPN none the wiser."

Trevor started to laugh at the thought and Olivia did too, but she was relieved that she never had to be concerned about Trevor managing Noah, she didn't have to think twice before leaving them for the night or for him to take care of all the responsibilities while she was working long hours.

"I'm sure she's fine," Margot told her gently, "why don't you just call Stu and see how he's doing and if all's well, stay here with us and enjoy your family for once without rushing off."

"Yeah, I second that… you never wanna hang out with us anymore," Trevor smiled. "I miss you!"

"Me three," Olivia chimed in.

"Well shit, peer pressure…" she laughed. "And its not that I don't want to hang out with you guys, its just work and shit going on at home."

"That's understandable and even though you're not related to me, I do love you and Olivia can't drink and Trevor is about sixteen drinks ahead of me and Sonny has gone home to set the nanny free so I have the night off too," Amanda slumped down next to Olivia, tired from being on her feet in the kitchen and organising all the guests all day.

Olivia winced, feeling a cramp in her lower back. "Why must my unborn baby make herself known so harshly?," she remarked, "she's been kicking and punching all day."

"Because she loves you," Trevor smiled.

"Okay, I'm gonna go call Stu, you guys twisted my arm," Zoe announced as Trevor hovered for a moment by his mother. "I'm gonna grab this little guy and put him to bed, he's tired himself out."

"Thanks baby," Olivia smiled at him, watching him gently slide his arms beneath her son's body as he'd draped himself over his grandmother. Noah stirred a little but remained sleeping his father's arms. With a faint smile, Olivia watched her husband stare at her son briefly with the look of adoration. It made her feel content.

She peeled her eyes away and turned to Amanda, "what are you drinking tonight?," she wondered, despite the fact that she already knew what she would respond with.

"Skinny bitch," she answered.

Margot looked surprised but Amanda chuckled, "that's the name of the drink, vodka, lime and a little soda."

"Ohhh," she laughed, "I thought you were name-calling."

The three of them laughed as Olivia shifted uncomfortably.

"Are you okay?" Zoe asked, reemerging from the kitchen hanging up the phone and catching the look of pain crossing Liv's face.

"Yeah, I'm just having some back pain, its coming and going, like spasms. The last three or four weeks have been the worst for my back…" she paused, "but I mean, its fine."

Zoe made her way over and put her phone down, "why don't you sit forward? I can give you a back massage."

"No, I need you to just sit down and stop moving around. How's Adeline and Stu?," she wondered, changing the subject.

"Addy is in bed, Stu sent me a photo of her, so I'm staying. I'll just go home in time for breakfast, I guess," she shrugged. "So, I'll go get us some drinks?"

"No," Olivia said again, "sit down, stop fussing. Trevor will get you guys drinks. Just chill out."

/

The big plans for Amanda and Zoe to get drunk seemed to fizzle out after two or three drinks and Trevor had swapped to water. He cleaned up the food after they were done eating and Olivia was starting to feel a little nauseas so she excused herself and said goodnight to everyone.

"Can I grab some sweats to sleep in?" Zoe asked, gently knocking on her bedroom door just as Olivia had finished getting changed.

Olivia nodded, "Of course, come in, take a pair for Amanda too…" She led her sister-in-law to her closet.

"Thanks for letting me crash," Zoe murmured, "I needed a night to myself, I think… just-"

"Go ahead," Olivia urged her on as she changed in to the sweat pants. Olivia passed her a t-shirt as well.

She looked up at the doorway to make sure no one could hear. "Don't tell Trev?"

"Promise," Olivia replied knowing that her rite of passage was that she absolutely would be telling her husband regardless.

"I put a deposit down on an apartment. I found emails and texts and photos of Stu and some basic bitch he works with, it's been going on for a little while and I knew it and I had a feeling and I knew if I went looking I'd find something so I didn't… because you know, Liv, I just didn't really care." She blurted her words out fast, feeling as though she would lose the courage if she beat around the bush a little too much.

"But you deserve better and staying in a loveless relationship is just holding you both back and maybe it's worse for Addy."

"And what a fucking coward for not coming to me and breaking up with me when he decided he wanted someone else, right?" Zoe added with a tiny hint of anger. Olivia realised that her sister-in-law did actually care, she was just a little like herself, she hated to show emotion, she wanted to be strong for everyone else.

"Right," Liv agreed, sitting on her bed, trying very hard not to show how much her back was hurting. "I'm really sorry…"

"Don't be sorry. I'm not sorry. Finding all that shit was the motivation I needed. So I have an apartment and I am going to tell Stu after I get the keys…"

"Come here, give me a hug. I suspect you need it more than me…" Liv smiled, "and motherhood has made me soft."

Zoe laughed. "Thanks Liv," she sat down beside her sister-in-law and hugged her. "I might tell Trevor a bit later, I just don't want him to lose his mind over Stu cheating."

"He will be pretty furious but that's what he's like, he's protective. Where are you moving to?"

"Honestly, the selling point was how close it would be to your new apartment, I hope that's not weird," she told Liv, "its like six blocks away from you guys. I can't let Therese get all the time with you. She'll never be me, she needs to stop trying," she joked.

Olivia laughed. "That's true… and I'm excited that you'll be closer."

Around the time Olivia had been green lit by BX9, she and Trevor had been preparing to move in to their new town house, entering in to the upper west side but once she found out she was pregnant the move seemed too big to deal with, mostly for Olivia, so Trevor had found short term renters to take over the apartment on a month-to-month lease.

They hoped to have the apartment vacated by the time Nova was three months old and they'd found their footing. That was the plan anyway.

"I wish you told me sooner, you could have moved in to our new place until we need to."

"No, I needed a furnished place. I'm just gonna take my clothes and the stuff that's in my office, my books and my kid's room and he can do whatever he wants with the rest."

"Will you promise to drop in more than Matthew and Therese?" Both women grinned conspiratorially.

"You bet…" Zoe replied, "I'll drop in so often Trevor will accuse me of ruining your sex life," They both laughed.

"No chance of that, if that happens I'm tossing your ass out on the curb," Olivia joked.

Zoe smirked. "Good luck making time for that after Nova is born, you'll never want to be touched again." Her remark came off a little more bitterly than she meant for it to. "Actually, you guys are tight, so that probably won't happen to you. You'll be one of those Moms that make us all look bad by getting back in to it just a few weeks after the baby arrives," she smiled, patting Olivia's arm knowingly.

Olivia chuckled, "don't be silly…"

Zoe finally gave a sigh and got up, grabbing the extra pair of sweats for Amanda. Olivia went to get up too and felt a very strange sensation. Zoe caught the look of alarm that spread across her face.

"Liv? What's up?"

Olivia looked down at her pajama pants, Zoe's eyes followed hers. "Wait, did you just pee yourself— oh—" Zoe paused.

"No, no, no, no…" Liv shook her head, panicked, "No, this isn't happening, it can't happen yet. I knew something bad would happen-" she was dizzy with fear, paralysed to the spot.

"Wait, wait." Zoe put Amanda's borrowed sweats back down on the bed and jumped to Olivia's side. "Liv, it's okay, your water broke, nothing bad is happening, its normal," she told her gently and calmly. "You're almost 37 weeks, Nova is ready… deep breaths okay?"

Olivia nodded and followed her sister-in-laws orders and took a few big deep breaths in through her nose and out of her mouth. "Let me go get Trev real quick, you go in to the bathroom and I'll be right back to help you get cleaned up and we can figure out what to do from here, okay?"

"Ok…"

She watched Zoe disappear out of her bedroom before making her way in to the bathroom. She saw the heart beat monitor that she'd put to the side of the sink in the morning after Trevor had eased her anxieties. She couldn't help but to wonder if Zoe was wrong. She touched the fluid to console herself that it wasn't blood. She kicked off her pajama pants and was still continuing to leak what she could only guess was amniotic fluid.

That was her hope.

She put the heart rate monitor around her and felt a flood of relief as she heard the baby's heart beat loud and clear. Tears flooded her face as she felt an intense cramp in her lower back. She clutched on to the edge of the bathroom sink and breathed through it, clenching her jaw tight.

"Baby, are you alright?"

"No," she replied between breaths, "I'm leaking amniotic fluid and my back pain isn't fucking back pain its contractions," she muttered, finally coming to terms with the fact that perhaps she was in labour.

"I actually had a fleeting thought about that," Zoe added from behind her. "I'll help Liv get cleaned up if you like, maybe see if you can find out the advice for when you need to go to the hospital. Do you have a bag packed?"

"No," Trevor replied looking a little stressed out. He implored Olivia to get a bag ready, but she did not want to hear about it.

"Its okay, Amanda and I can help. Go and get a bag and we'll work it out."

"Thanks Zo…" Trevor turned to Olivia, "baby, I know you're in pain, but… we're going to meet her soon," he smiled at his wife. "Very soon."

The thought did manage to make the pain disappear fleetingly. "Thanks honey," she replied. Trevor kissed her temple and went out to make a phone call and to find a gym bag that they could pack some things in to.