A/N: It's been ages I know. I'm not sure why it takes me so long to write a chapter of this, but it takes forever.
You can come and find me on Tumblr if you'd like to listen to me moan about the lack of progress in my writing these days – I'm scared-of-clouds, and there's a link on my profile.
I'm...unsure about this chapter. But I'm unsure about everything to do with this fic really, so that's that to be honest.
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'What do you think it'll be like?' Lily couldn't help being a bit nervous. When she actually thought about it, really considered the fact that they were about to attend their first meeting of the Order of the Phoenix, a secret society headed by Dumbledore himself...well of course she was nervous.
'Nothing to worry about.' James sounded relatively unruffled by the whole thing. Of course. Bloody pureblood breeding; he just swanned through the world, certain that sooner or later everything in it would just fall into line with his plans because, let's face it, most things in his life had up to this point. It would be irritating if she didn't find his conviction rather comforting.
'Let's just get there shall we?' He grinned at her, offering her his hand and she took it easily, sliding their palms into firm contact with each other in one easy movement that had become as instinctive as breathing. He turned and they disapparated.
The squeezing sensation was never pleasant, and Lily doubted she'd ever enjoy apparition, but it was always less appalling when it was side-along. James never seemed to feel the effects as badly as she did - sometimes she wondered if it was the flying, if swooping through the air performing those daft stunts on his broomstick somehow gave his stomach more resilience - so he willingly apparated her from place to place without complaint. So she wasn't feeling too awful when they landed together outside of what was presumably Gritwell Lodge, right on the outskirts of Tutshill, which she was grateful for because the rolling nerves in her belly were bad enough without adding travel sickness.
She turned her attention to the building in front of her; it looked a little like the Shrieking Shack in a way, a once-tidy building fallen into neglect and disrepair. There were no lights, no suggestion of movement or life inside. But then, perhaps that was to be expected. Dumbledore would hardly want to advertise that there were people there if he was using it to host a meeting for a secret society. She wondered if it was simply cloaked with charms to hide the activities within.
The others appeared around them one by one, Sirius being the last to arrive, complaining about not being able to find any of his shoes. Peter was supressing a smirk, and Lily recalled that Sirius had switched his shampoo for sticking solution last week and presumed this was part of some complicated revenge. The smile on Remus' face suggested that he had been consulted for his charms expertise, and the twitching of Marlene's lips suggested that she too was aware of what was going on, but then again Marlene largely shared the Marauder sense of humour and probably would have found the idea of Sirius losing his shoes funny in just about any circumstances.
Nerves jangling, whether any of them would admit it or not, they moved towards the ramshackle building as a group. The silence surrounding the place was eerie, and only became more so as it became absolutely clear that there was no noise emanating from inside the building. They pushed open the door and entered the house, moving along the hallway into what once must have been the main reception room.
It was empty.
There were a few broken pieces of furniture lying about, but no sign of people. It looked as if it had been empty for a decade.
Lost for words, Lily turned to look up t James, who shrugged and turned to Sirius.
'What the hell?' Peter voiced the question for them all.
'Maybe there's some kind of password.' Sirius ventured. 'To open a secret door, like the passage behind the humpbacked witch at Hogwarts.'
James shook his head. 'Dumbledore would have given it to us. It might have been in a nonsensical way, but he would have done it somehow.'
'Well then what the hell do you suggest?' Sirius demanded. 'This is definitely what the note said, and there's no-one here; he must have told us the wrong place or something.'
'There might not be anyone here', Remus started carefully, 'but that doesn't mean we've come to the wrong place.'
'What are you getting at Moony?' Asked Peter, turning to face him.
'I think that Dumbledore is very, very clever, and I don't think he'd hold a secret meeting where anyone could walk past. Even concealing charms can be broken, and this place is very open. To muggles as well as wizards. Too open.' The sandy-blond boy began to move around the room carefully. 'I think this place is like a gateway to somewhere else. We just need to find the door.'
Lily exchanged a confused glance with Marlene, but Sirius and James were already moving to help their friend in his careful search of the room, apparently on exactly the same page as him from just those few brief words.
'Why wouldn't Dumbledore have told us if there was something we needed to do to get access to the meeting?' Marlene voiced the question, and it was Sirius who answered.
'Because if the point of this was security, then there's no point in detailing exactly how to circumvent the security in the note we received is there? Notes can be intercepted, no matter what magic is used to send them.'
'So what are we looking for?' Lily asked, still watching the boys look around carefully.
'I think that we'll know it when we see it. Dumbledore would have made sure to use something that at least one of us would recognise.' Remus answered. 'Something out of place or unusual.'
Peter snorted. 'In here? The whole place is a disaster zone.'
'Which is why', Remus said triumphantly as he reached up to the top shelf of the wooden dresser, 'it's very strange to find an intact and rather clean wooden carving of a wolf don't you think? And a werewolf no less.'
He held the item in question up for the others to see, and James reached out to touch it; the moment he did it began to glow blue, a faint pulsating light that grew stronger with every passing second.
'Grab it, it's a portkey!'
They all dived to touch the carving, and Remus nodded at James.
'It must have been keyed to your magical signature or something; that way even if someone did intercept the letters and come here they'd never have been able to find the portkey.'
'He's a loony old bugger at times but he's right good at magic, I'll give him that.' Peter muttered, making Lily laugh.
'I think this was as much based on logic as magic. The man's a genius.'
It was the last thing any of them said before the portkey whisked them away.
They landed in a large open hallway, a staircase hugging the wall along one side. Two red-headed men, identical down the last eyelash sat at the foot of the staircase, wands loosely pointed in the direction of the group.
'Fabian?' One of them raised his voice questioningly, and the other pulled out a piece of parchment and consulted it.
'Potter, Black, Lupin, McKinnon, Pettigrew and Evans should be this group.'
The man called Fabian rolled his parchment back up and looked at them critically before breaking out into a huge grin. 'I don't reckon there's much question about which one is Potter you know Gid.' He nodded at James. 'You look a lot like your dad.'
James nodded. 'It's been said. We can all be thankful I inherited my mother's personality though.'
'As long as you didn't inherit her scolding ability.' Fabian shuddered. 'That woman could blister paint off walls when she gets going. Our sister's the same, but no matter how much practice you get, you never quite get used to an angry woman tearing a strip off.'
His companion laughed and stepped forward. 'Of course you could always stop winding her up.' He offered a hand to James. 'Gideon Prewett, and this weirdo here is my brother Fabian. You may have noticed we're twins.'
'It had drawn my attention, yeah.' James answered as he gripped the man's hand briefly before turning to do the same with his brother. Gideon had moved on to sizing up the rest of the group, but turned his head back briefly. 'I find it best to broach the subject as soon as possible. Stops people feeling like idiots when they eventually have to ask.'
He stopped in front of Sirius and looked at him with an appraising grin. 'Well there's no doubt that you're Black. You buggers all look too aristocratic for your own good.'
Fabian grinned from behind his twin. 'Sirius right? Rumour has it that your mother screeched so loudly when you absconded from the family nest that they had to obliviate the neighbours.'
Sirius shrugged. 'It's possible. She always was a shrill old hag.'
Fabian and Gideon both laughed at that, and Sirius quickly introduced the others, none of whom had infamous families to make introductions unnecessary, though each of the older men's eyes flickered in recognition at Marlene's name. They refrained from mentioning her parents though, and greeted everyone with quick handshakes.
'Right, then, welcome to the Order of the Phoenix, a collection of handsome and talented individuals committed to ending the Dark Lord's reign of terror.' Fabian began in grandiose style before he was cut off by his brother's elbow colliding with his ribs.
'Ignore him, he was dropped as a baby. A lot.' Gideon looked scathingly at his brother, who grinned widely, before he continued. 'Here's what you need to know: meetings take place as and when necessary, and move from place to place. When a meeting is called you will receive a note with a date, time and location, and when you present yourself at the location at the correct time and date you will find a portkey that will bring you to the meeting. Just like today.'
'Why didn't Dumbledore tell us that in advance?' Interrupted Peter, and Fabian stopped surreptitiously charming his brother's hair green to grin quizzically in his direction.
'Well, if you weren't smart enough to figure it out, what use would you have been to us? We don't want fools you know.'
'We never tell new members how to get to meetings.' Gideon answered with a roll of his eyes. 'At some point today Dumbledore or Moody will do the Tongue-Tying curse on you to make sure you can't spill the details of the procedure to anyone, but if he'd told you beforehand you'd have been wandering around with one of our secrets and no way to stop you spilling it see? '
'Could have done a Tongue-Tying curse on us before.' Pointed out Marlene, but Fabian shook his head.
'They won't. Not before your first meeting. Dumbledore's funny about that.'
'He's probably got his reasons, it's just the rest of us don't understand them. You'll get used to that as well.' Gideon added. 'Doing things without really understanding why.'
'Anyway, that's all you need to know for now. Everything gets discussed in meetings, so as long as you can get here you'll be in the loop. More or less. Some stuff is need-to-know obviously. Gid will tell you a bit more later.' Fabian waved a hand towards a set of double doors. 'You're the last group through this entrance, so we'll come in with you.'
The group began to move towards the doors, and Fabian fell into step alongside Lily as they pushed them open and began to walk down the long corridor on the other side. 'You know, I've been trying to place where I recognise you from and I figure with hair like that you've got to be Prewett somewhere along the line. What were your parents' names?'
Lily shook her head, amused by the two brothers in general. 'I'm muggleborn, sorry. No shared ancestry here.'
'You could be descended from some disgraced ancestor who ran away to hide in the muggle world.' Gideon elbowed his brother. 'Didn't we have a cousin who did that?'
Fabian shrugged. 'Ask Molly, she'd remember. And even if none of our lot have done it, I bet at least a couple of the Weasleys have, they do love to make a big thing out of their muggle ancestry. She could be a Weasley.'
'She is standing right here.' Lily laughed. 'And I think I'd know if I had magical relatives. And, I'm sorry but I don't recognise you two, and I think you're pretty unforgettable.'
'Cheers.' Said Fabian, with absolutely no hint of sarcasm. 'I really do feel like I've seen you somewhere before though.'
'Been to Hogwarts in the last few years?' James asked, draping an arm around Lily's shoulder.
'No.' Fabian looked across at them, and his eyes widened in realisation. 'Nah, but I do read the Daily Prophet.' He grinned wickedly. 'Knew I'd seen you somewhere. Nice engagement announcement Potter.'
Lily blushed and twisted her ring nervously around her finger, but James simply grinned and squeezed her shoulder. 'Cheers.'
'I've got only one question for you Potter; what exactly have you done to deserve this?' He gestured at Lily, who craned her neck to look up at James who stared back down with a grin.
'You wouldn't believe me if I told you.'
Gideon snorted at that, and pushed open the door nearest them. 'In we go then.'
They stepped through and into their first meeting.
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The first thing Lily noticed was the haphazard layout of the room; there were chairs scattered all over, none of them matching, and though they obviously largely faced one end of the room people were lounging about on them in scattered groups, chatting and apparently generally catching up.
The second thing she noticed was that she actually recognised a few faces, and not just from the preliminary meeting they'd had with some Order members at Hogwarts: Professor McGonagall; Caelum, the auror she'd met after the fight with the Death Eaters in Hogsmeade; Hagrid; Amelia Bones, from the DMLE. And strangely enough Dorcas Meadowes was standing to one side of the room; Frank, Alice, Mary and Julia were standing next to her.
She waved at them, and tugged James in their direction but before they could meet up and exchange greetings Dumbledore stepped up to the front of the room and asked them all to sit down. They dropped into the nearest group of seats and prepared to listen.
'Welcome everyone.' Dumbledore smiled round at them all. 'Our older members will notice that there are a rather significant number of new members this evening; normally we would never add new members in such quantity, but this year's graduating class from Hogwarts were, shall we say, a little exceptional.'
A murmur ran around the room, and a few friendly if curious glances were thrown their way. There was no way these people didn't know about the events of the previous year at Hogwarts; an awful lot had been documented in the Prophet by Lucretia, and either Mad-Eye or Dumbledore had probably supplied at least a little more information to these people that were their most trusted allies.
But looking around, it was clear that very few people as young as them were in the Order; either they did not make a habit of recruiting from Hogwarts and had made an exception this year, since the Death Eaters were obviously turning their attention to the school, or they were largely turned down by those they approached. Lily couldn't imagine it would be the latter; Dumbledore wouldn't make this kind of offer lightly, and she was certain that he would make sure the person would be likely to at least consider it before he spoke to them.
She felt a little shiver at her train of thought; did this mean the war – which prior to the last year or so had been an intangible, undefined thing - was escalating to the point of out and out confrontation? If the Order had to match the Death Eaters, if they were both looking to recruit more and more to the point when they were considering people fresh out of Hogwarts...throw in the aurors and the Ministry, and it looked like a battle in the making. This could be Grindelwald all over again, with people dying and disappearing at an enormous rate...she was just thankful for Dumbledore, the man who'd defeated him; he could do it again surely? There was a reason Voldemort never faced him if he could avoid it...
She was pulled out of her gloomy and slightly panicky thought processes by James's hand covering hers.
'Stop worrying so much about things that haven't happened yet.' He whispered out of the corner of his mouth. 'Just focus on what we can do okay?'
He squeezed her hand gently, and she smiled weakly back, grateful again for his stereotypical Gryffindor courage which bolstered her own; she'd always known she was borderline between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw – the Sorting Hat had struggled briefly – but he was Gryffindor through and through. No matter what he said about being more like his mother, his father shone out of him. James had his warmth and humour in spades, and she valued them more than she consciously realised sometimes. She tuned back in to Dumbledore's voice, hoping she hadn't missed too much.
'...and currently the Death Eaters seem to be lying low, which worries me more than I care to admit. The disappearances and random attacks on muggles have slowed to a trickle; our main concern is whether this is the calm before the storm, if they are gathering numbers or hoarding strength for a large scale attack. We cannot be complacent.'
He looked around the room and his eyes settled on Sirius briefly before he began again. 'I know that it isn't in most of your natures to wait without acting, and I know that over the last few months we have been incredibly busy dealing with each threat as it arises. I know that there is a sense of restlessness in this period of quiet, a sense that we ought to do more, but we must consider this lull in activity an opportunity; we have consistently been one step behind Voldemort, but if we can gather enough intelligence, use this respite to position ourselves to oppose him more effectively...'
'It's like chess.' Moody interrupted impatiently from somewhere off to the right. 'Effective strategy wins, not chasing your tail constantly trying to fight little battles that don't add up to winning the war. So keep your heads down and don't do anything rash.'
'Very...apt…Alastor, thank you.' Dumbledore's eyes scanned the room again. 'And whilst we are on the subject of strategy, Mr Lupin over there has - with the assistance of certain of his friends - been collating all the information he can find about Death Eater activity, including from muggle news sources, with the intention of trying to identify a pattern or possible base of activity. Dorcas has been trying to identify which families' sympathies lie with Voldemort...'
'By allowing the disgusting creeps to try and court me.' Dorcas put in with a curl of her lip. 'I cannot express enough how much you lot all owe me for this one. There aren't enough showers in the world to feel clean after talking to some of them.'
'We appreciate your efforts my dear, and regret that the method is necessary.' Said Dumbledore gravely. 'But perhaps if you pool your information with Remus, and if Caelum can supply some information from the auror department you may be able to create a more effective guide to the current activity.'
'You be bloody careful with information coming from my department lad.' Growled Moody, staring gimlet eyes at Caelum. 'If anyone at the bloody Ministry finds out I'm allowing leaks we're for it.' He thought for a moment. 'Of course, for them to notice a leak they'd have to be competent, so it's not all that likely, but still. Watch your step.'
The auror nodded, and twisted slightly in his seat to throw a quick wink at Dorcas. She rolled her eyes in apparent disgust – that really wasn't anything like real disgust at all - and Lily stifled a giggle at the sight. It was oddly comforting to know that small human dramas continued even in the face of an ongoing war.
'The main focus of the Order at the moment is intelligence gathering.' Dumbledore was speaking again. 'Whatever you hear, reliable or not, whoever you hear it from, pass it on to Alastor or myself. We will still mobilise to meet threats from the Death Eaters when we can so please continue to make sure you are aware of our communication methods, and be aware of your surroundings. Watch your co-workers for signs of the Imperius, ward your houses, refresh your memory about Inferi. The Order remains unknown to both the Death Eaters and the Ministry, but I cannot say for how long that will continue to be the case. We must be ready to protect ourselves and each other first. I suspect that when whatever is coming actually arrives, it will be all we can do to contain it. We do not have the manpower to take on Voldemort's Death Eaters directly.'
He sighed and looked around the room. 'That is all I have to say, there are currently no missions requiring volunteers; the main reason for this evening was to induct our new members and to inform you all of the sudden cease in activity, and the suspicions we have regarding it.'
He waved a hand. 'Please feel free to stay for as long as you wish; Gideon and Fabian will be helping Alastor with our newcomers, but I'm sure they will be keen to meet everybody – or to reacquaint themselves as the case may be - after the formalities are over.' The occupants of the room began to shift a little, and Dumbledore caught Lily's eye as he spoke again.
'If I could speak to the Hogwarts school leavers quickly please, before you're whisked away?'
All ten of them gathered around him quickly, and he offered them all a reassuring smile. 'Nothing to worry about I assure you. Now, Alastor will be placing a tongue-tying curse upon you to prevent you from discussing certain things with those outside of the Order. If anyone is unwilling to undergo that, then I am afraid that we will have to part ways.' He paused for a moment to wait for objections, and when none were forthcoming he continued. 'He will also give you instructions for how to make contact with the Order outside of meetings. We don't encourage you to use those methods unless strictly necessary; if you simply wish to pass information that you don't feel can wait for the next meeting, you can always visit Hogwarts. You will always be welcome.'
He held a finger up to forestall any further questions. 'Now, the reason I actually wished to speak with you; as I'm sure you are more than aware, you can expect your NEWT results very shortly - in exactly a fortnight in fact - and then you will be venturing into the world of work and careers. I would like to ask that you inform me of exactly what employment you have chosen; Voldemort has spies everywhere, and as underhanded as it is I must try to follow suit and counteract it with trustworthy people of our own. Rest assured I will not call on you to use your employment for the good of the Order without good cause.'
He smiled at them. 'I'm not sure there's ever been a time when I was prouder to be Hogwarts's headmaster than the end of last year. I'm thrilled to have you join us.'
He turned and moved away from them, wishing them good luck for their results as he moved away and Fabian and Gideon descended to escort them over to Moody.
'So Evans,' Fabian began, 'about what I was saying earlier; you're certain you don't have any Prewett in your family tree?'
Lily looked up at him, amused. 'Positive.'
'Would you like some?'
'Would you like to spend the rest of your days as an inanimate object Prewett?' James' voice threatened from behind them.
Fabian burst out laughing. 'Dorcas said you were riled up easy when it came to the redhead here. I didn't think she meant that easy though.'
'No propositioning my fiancée Prewett.' James insisted firmly.
'Alright, alright.' He held up his hands in mock surrender. 'I'd like to point out that she didn't take me seriously.'
'With a face like that, who could?' Lily responded sweetly, and Fabian looked momentarily shocked before he started laughing.
'Keep her Potter. Definitely keep her.'
'Yeah, well I am trying.'
'If you're quite done over there you three?' Moody growled at them. 'Fabian, stay away from the pretty girls, they're not interested. Potter, try not to hex other Order members. Evans...just try not to be so…you, alright?'
Lily looked mortally offended, but Sirius was practically choking on his own laughter and almost everyone else was grinning. It was hard to maintain annoyance in the face of so much good humour.
'Right. Everybody paying attention for the love of Merlin? Excellent. Now, there are variations to a patronus charm that aren't commonly known, but they're bloody useful...'
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Exactly two weeks later, Remus was seated at the kitchen table, absently stirring a cup of tea when Lily came in, still in her pyjamas and yawning.
'Someone's up early. Even considering its results day.'
He smiled up at her. 'I know. Don't know why; it's not like my NEWT results are actually going to make a difference. I can't get a job because no-one will knowingly hire a werewolf, and I can't hide that I am one since I'd need at least three days a month off sick. Even if they never put the dates together, that amount of time off is too much for any employer really.'
Lily observed him sympathetically. 'Maybe you could find part-time work. Or something that doesn't require you to keep regular working hours; research or something along those lines? I know St Mungos allows its potions researcher to set their own work hours.'
'Maybe.' Remus sounded doubtful, but Lily took the conversation as a success; she'd been able to offer him a little positivity, even if it was only a grain.
She made herself a cup of tea and joined him at the table, chewing nervously on her lip. 'If it makes you feel any better, I don't think I'm that much better off. At the moment...well, even people who aren't prejudiced themselves aren't unaware of the political reality; hiring a muggleborn...it's risky for businesses. They don't want purebloods to take their business elsewhere.'
'But you have your potions apprenticeship lined up.' Remus pointed out. 'I'm not going to lie to you and say that we might not get to that point, but we haven't reached it yet. Don't count your chickens, as my mother used to say.'
'I have that because of Slughorn.' Lily's lips tightened into a thin line. 'I don't know that I would have gotten anyone to take me seriously without his help, and that just galls me a little you know? Having to have an incredibly respected pureblood finangle me a job. So without that help, I might well have been in exactly the same boat as you. I guess I still might be if Mulpepper's loses customers because of the mudblood.'
Remus regarded her seriously. 'None of that makes me feel even the slightest bit better Lily. And don't let Sirius or James - James in particular hear you use that word. He hates it, no matter what the context.'
She sighed. I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have dumped that on you. I just can't make James understand, not really. Same for Alice or Marly. It's just so far out of their sphere of experience; they understand it on an intellectual level, just not an emotional one.'
Remus sipped his tea thoughtfully as he regarded her. 'Don't underestimate them. It's entirely possible that they just don't know how to respond. I think James sometimes feels it would be hypocritical to say that he understands how you feel, because how could he really? I've seen him struggle with Padfoot over the years...he genuinely does get how he feels, how he's hurting, but he struggles to express it. He's been the same with me, to be honest.'
'Maybe you're right. But I still don't think they'll ever understand it like you understand it.'
'We're a hell of a pair aren't we? The muggleborn and the werewolf, surrounded by the rich and privileged.'
'But they never hold their privilege over you.' Lily smiled faintly as she picked up her teacup again. 'We have great friends.'
'We do.' Remus put his cup down and began to draw patterns on the table with the fingertips of his right hand. 'Lily, has James mentioned anything to you about...well he offered...I'm not going to say this very well.'
'Spit it out Remus.'
'Okay. The other day I was having this discussion with the others - about what I was going to do about a job. It's not the first time, and those idiots remain optimistic that I just need to find "the right employer", but James...well James offered to support me financially while I'm out of work. Which could be a long time. A really long time. I...just wandered if he'd spoken to you about it. I guess I just wanted to know what you thought. I know he and Sirius are already paying for this house, but it feels different somehow to consider accepting something for myself, rather than for the group.'
Lily thought for a moment before answering, keenly aware that Remus would take whatever she said to heart, and that she probably had more influence over his decision that she strictly speaking would like to have.
'I think...that you ought to take him up on it.' She laughed at Remus' expression of surprise; his eyes were the widest she'd ever seen them. 'James has a ridiculous amount of money, more than he needs. And if he wants to spend it on you, as your friend, then I say let him. If it bothers you that much, keep track of the money and pay it back as some point in the future when you can. But he won't expect you to do that, and you shouldn't feel any pressure to.'
'He hadn't discussed it with you then.'
'No.' Lily mulled over the point for a moment. 'And I suppose maybe I should be mad about that, but I'm not. Because firstly, I would have agreed with him if he'd come to me with the suggestion, and I don't doubt that he would know that if he thought about it. Secondly, he probably doesn't even register that some people would have thought this was a concept that needs to be discussed; the sort of money he's talking about giving you to survive on...it's not even a drop in the ocean to the Potter vault. James doesn't think money is important, because to him it's not; therefore, discussing with me what he should spend it on is wildly unnecessary, in the same way that it wouldn't occur to him to complain if I went out and spent four thousand galleons on shoes. Money just doesn't mean anything to James. In a good way really, because he doesn't even really notice when people don't have much. He just sees them, not their old clothes or their new broomstick. It's weird, to spend time with someone who genuinely doesn't understand the value most people place on money. And lastly and probably most importantly - and he'd hate this if I mentioned it - regardless of our relationship, it's his money. It'll never be mine, not even when my surname's Potter. I'm not saying I'm going to refuse to spend it, because that would be stupid and James would put his foot down on that front anyway, but in my mind it will always be his money that he is allowing me to spend. I don't get to dictate what he does with his family's money, so this decision doesn't really concern me.'
Remus stared at her for a moment before shaking his head. 'Sometimes I think you are the oddest girl I know.'
She shrugged. 'It's been said. But James rubs off on you after a while. Money just becomes this nebulous thing that everyone puts way too much emphasis on. If he wants to give it to you, let him. I admitted defeat on that front a long while ago. And chances are if you don't openly accept his money he'll just get all sneaky and Marauder-y on you, and you'll just find all your bills mysteriously being paid and credit accounts being opened for you at all kinds of shops. He's not dull you know.'
'I...am all too aware of that, thank you Lily.' He turned his empty teacup around in his hands. 'I feel like I'm taking advantage of his generosity.'
'Don't be so ridiculous.' Lily drained her cup and stood up to root through the kitchen drawer. 'Game of exploding snap? We can gamble with James' money.'
'Not funny Lily.' Remus lowered his head to the table, exhausted and frustrated with the pig-headedness of everyone he knew. 'But sure, a game sounds good. Not like either of us are going to sleep anyway.'
They were on their third round of exploding snap when the next member of the household wandered their way into the kitchen. Peter made fresh tea and joined them at the table. The explosion from the fourth round was rather more spectacular than earlier ones, and it woke the rest of the house up. James, Marlene and Sirius all arrived in the kitchen within a few minutes of each other - about thirty seconds apart in the case of Sirius and Marlene, and Lily supressed a grin at the sight of Marlene's mis-buttoned pyjama shirt and Sirius' inside out vest - and twenty minutes later breakfast, courtesy of James who was the only truly capable cook, was spread out over the table.
More than one nervous glance was aimed at the window, but no-one mentioned the elephant in the room.
When the regular post owl finally arrived, accompanied by one the dignified Hogwarts owls, the kitchen was suddenly rather quiet. Remus passed out the letters and there was a moment of silent worry before Marlene ripped hers open. The tearing of the seal was like the starting gun going off; everyone opened their letters and began to scan the pages quickly.
There were a number of laughs, then a certain amount of hugging, and finally an agreement from all parties that some kind of celebration was necessary. Sirius and Peter headed off, since party-planning was apparently their forte - a statement that had been met with a certain amount of disbelief from Lily - and Remus had already headed for his parent's home to share his results.
James was still sitting at the table staring at the paper in his hands, a frown plastered on his face. Marlene discreetly excused herself with what Lily recognised as an entirely fabricated excuse about needing to write to Mary and Lily tiptoed over to James to peek over his shoulder.
'Four Outstandings" and two Exceeds Expectations.' Not that she'd expected anything less, but still. She wrapped her arms around James' neck and rested her chin on his shoulder. 'Moody's getting you after all then.'
'Hmmm.' James sounded oddly abstracted, and far less pleased than she expected. 'How about you Lils?'
'Not quite so good.' She kissed his cheek before letting go of him and sliding into the chair next to him. 'Only three Outstandings - in Potions, Charms and DADA. Exceeds Expectations in the others two.'
He grinned at her, but neither his heart nor head seemed entirely focused on her. 'Still fantastic results.'
'You could say. I'm pleased anyway.' She hesitated a moment. 'Are you alright James?'
'Hmmmm? Oh, yeah, fine. I'm fine.' He stood up suddenly. 'I should go see my parents. Let them read it for themselves or they might not believe it.'
'Good idea.' Lily answered, careful to keep her concerns about his withdrawn behaviour out of her eyes. 'I'll visit mine a bit later when they're both at home.'
'Did you want to come...?' He trailed off, and Lily shook her head. It was quite obvious he didn't want her to.
'You go. Say hi for me.'
'I will.' He kissed her temple and headed for the back door. Lily tamped down the urge to run after him and demand he tell her what was troubling him; it wouldn't do them any good in the long run. She had to let him talk to her in his own time.
Repeating those things to herself didn't make her feel any better.
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It was really strange to have a houseful of people. It's not like he was a stranger to parties, but actually having one in your own home was weird. Still, it was good to see everyone cheerful. The world was a very sombre place at the moment, so any time spent not worrying about it was worth it as far as James was concerned.
He could see Lily sitting perched on the edge of a couch, just fitting on with Marlene and Alice; why they insisted on cramming together in such a small space was beyond him, but he'd long ago made peace with the fact that while he might love them all in their different ways, he'd never bloody understand them, not fully. Not the way they understood each other. Perhaps he wasn't supposed to. Perhaps Lily felt that way about him and Padfoot and Moony and Wormtail. Maybe there were things about the four of them that baffled the girls totally, and they were just better at not showing it.
At any rate, the three of them were in one corner of the living room with Julia and Mary sitting on the floor in front of their couch, a girl's chat in full flow.
It was terrifying.
And impromptu poker game between Sirius, Frank, Steven Corner and Peter was taking place on the dining room table, and Remus was attempting to explain the muggle record player to Dee Abbott over in the far corner of the room. He'd reappeared earlier that afternoon carting it back from his parent's house, complete with a box of what he referred to as LPs. James had no real clue what that meant, although Sirius had been thrilled beyond measure by the appearance of the muggle device; he was taking that Outstanding in Muggle Studies way too seriously in James' opinion, and he was genuinely concerned that Sirius had been completely serious when he'd announced his intention to buy a muggle motorcycle as soon as possible.
Anyway, the music was drifting around the house, and James was forced to admit that the band - The Eagles? He thought that's what Remus had called them - were good. Both Remus and Lily had broken out into a chorus of something called "Hotel California" when Remus had triumphantly pulled the LP out of the box earlier, and James had concluded that he needed some serious education about the muggle world. He ought to suggest getting a record player for the house; much better than the Wizarding wireless.
His wandering feet led him out the back door to the garden, where the warmth of the summer sun still lingered, even though it had set over an hour ago. He sat on the back step and stared out, not really seeing much of what was in front of him.
It was times like this that he questioned why in Merlin's name Dumbledore had ever made him Quidditch captain or Head Boy. He was second-guessing himself, twisting himself in knots over a decision that he was sure ought to be simpler than he was making it. But right now this decision felt like the most insurmountable thing he'd ever faced, like it could be the deciding factor in his future, which was insane. No one single choice made his future; this decision wouldn't change who his friends were, his family, his fiancée.
A slender arm wrapped around his neck, and a familiar pair of lips pressed themselves to the patch of skin just above his jawbone. As if his thoughts summoned her.
'Seeking some peace and quiet?' Her voice was low, and he could smell the hint of alcohol on her breath, something sweet and fruity. Wine most probably, knowing her preference for muggle alcohol.
He shrugged. 'Just...restless.'
Lily's arm left him, and she dropped herself down on the step beside him her eyes gazing out at the garden, as his were. 'When did you stop talking to me James?'
'What?' He twisted his head to look at her, but she wouldn't meet his gaze, preferring instead to lift her head to stare up at the sky.
'Time was you used to tell me everything. Even before we were together we talked about the important things. But something's been bothering you - for days really, but it got much worse after we got our results this morning - and you don't want to tell me.'
'It's not that Lily. Not at all.' He sighed, unable to stop the hint of exasperation. She wanted to help, he knew that, but there were times when she just wouldn't accept that he hadn't finished formulating his thoughts yet. For all his academic ability it took him time to process a decision. And he liked to order his thoughts before he expressed them to someone else. 'I've just been thinking about something, something important, and it's been a strange decision to have to make.'
'Perhaps you shouldn't be so hell-bent on making it alone then.' There was a tart edge to her voice, and James groaned inwardly. He'd been so tied up in his own head the last few days that he hadn't been paying enough attention to her; he hadn't realised that she'd noticed his abstraction, but now he considered it he realised that she'd withdrawn slightly from him, as he had from her.
That hadn't been anything he wanted, not ever. He hadn't wanted her to think that he was avoiding her, or that she wasn't important, or fucking hell, anything along those lines. He'd just been so sunk in his thoughts that he'd been careless with her.
'I'm sorry Lily. It wasn't really something I could put into words that easily. I didn't want to talk about it with anyone until I had it straight in my own head, or I'd never have been able to explain it. I wasn't shutting you out.'
She nodded slowly, her teeth toying with her bottom lip as they so often did when she was nervous or agitated. 'Can you tell me now?'
'I guess.' He shrugged. 'I think I've sorted my head out now.'
He glanced over at her, and she raised her eyebrows encouragingly.
'I'm not going to send in my application to the Auror Academy.'
Apparently she hadn't been expecting that; her face flickered through shock, confusion, worry, straight back to shock.
'But...you've wanted to join the Aurors for ages; you took an extra NEWT to make sure your application looked good! The damn head of the department invited you to apply! He practically rolled out the red carpet for you.'
'I'm aware of all those things Lily.' James spoke slowly and clearly, holding onto the temper that wanted to explode because he had sprung this on her and she only wanted to understand. 'But after the Order meeting...I started thinking, well what's the point? The Order is doing everything that the Aurors do, only they're doing it more effectively because they aren't hamstrung by official guidelines or the fear of alienating the blood-purists. There are Order members all over the DMLE; Moody, Caelum, Edgar and Amelia Bones, my dad. They don't need another person in there. But they do need people available to them at a moment's notice. A lot of people aren't in a position to do that, but I am.'
'So you are saying - and let me be sure that I've understood this right - that you want to forgo having a career you've always wanted, even though it's practically been handed to you and is completely in keeping with what you want to devote your life to, in favour of dedicating yourself to fighting some kind of guerrilla war?'
James eyed her apprehensively. Her tone had been neutral, almost carefully so, but the words themselves had been cutting. 'I feel like that is expressing it badly, but yes, I suppose I am. I spoke to Dumbledore and he said that they are always in need of people who can just wait for orders; Padfoot and Moony were already planning on doing it, and...'
'You spoke to Dumbledore? Already?' A very definite edge in her voice now. That was a little worrying, but he continued his explanation, confident in his logic.
'Yeah, because there was no point in even considering it if he couldn't use me, but the point is that he can, and I'll be much more use out there fighting than going through Auror training, months spent practising and training. And what good will it do me to be an auror if the Ministry falls to Voldemort in the meantime?'
'Well, that's all very logical James.' Lily nodded as she kept her gaze firmly on the night sky above then. 'I'm glad you spent so much time working this out. On your own. Without speaking to anyone about it. Except Dumbledore. And Sirius and Remus. In fact, everyone but me apparently.'
James felt his temper rising at her cutting tone; it was an old annoyance, her tendency to take things personally. But he reminded himself again that he'd sprung this on her, and she was processing the information. So he kept his tone level as he responded. 'If I recall, you were the one who didn't want me to join the Auror department. Something about me becoming a target, and it being dangerous?' Well that wasn't quite as innocuous a comment as it had sounded in his head.
'Oh, I still think it's dangerous.' Lily's voice was low, and heavy with irritation. 'And don't get me wrong, a part of me is fucking thrilled that you've decided to change your mind, because you're right, I didn't want you to join. But I would think you would also remember what I said when you asked if I was okay with you joining the Order? I said it was better than joining the Aurors, because at least it wasn't public record. I supported you joining the Order! Hell, I supported the idea of you joining the Aurors, even though I hated the idea of you putting yourself in danger twice over by choosing a career that isn't just incredibly dangerous in its own right, but that also paints a damn target on your back! I would have listened to anything – anything - you had to say about this James, and I would have stopped myself from talking you into anything, no matter how much I wanted to. But don't you dare, don't you fucking dare sit there and say that what I wanted had any bearing on your decision! You made this choice for you, and you shut me out of it!'
He was appalled. Absolutely fucking appalled that she could think that he didn't factor her feelings into his decisions. Alright, he hadn't spoken to her, but he hadn't felt the need to; he knew where she stood, she'd always been clear with him.
'Of course I didn't shut you out! Of course I thought about what you'd think...'
'Then why didn't you ask me?!' She all but screamed the words, and James thought he heard the music inside stop and the low murmur of voices. Lily apparently didn't, based on the swirl of angry words that continued to fall from her mouth.
'Why didn't you ask me what I thought? Why didn't you tell me you were rethinking joining the Aurors in favour of working full-time with Dumbledore? For that matter, why didn't you tell me you'd offered to support Remus while he's out of work?'
His anger rose in his belly, and he recognised the danger now; both of their tempers were fierce, and words spoken in the heat of the moment hurt, and elevated the urge to throw ever more painful ones back at each other. If one of them couldn't choke their anger down enough to put a stop to it, this argument would spiral out of control and they'd be picking up the shattered pieces for days.
'I wasn't aware I needed your permission.' He answered icily, meeting her heat with that upper crust coldness he knew she hated, but was the only barrier he had for the temper that wanted to rage at her, no matter how much he loved her. 'To make decisions about my career, or my money.'
He regretted the words the second they were spoken, would have given anything to take them back.
'Of course you don't.' Lily's voice was quiet again now; quiet, controlled, and all the more devastating. 'It is, as you so rightly point out your life. Silly me for thinking that perhaps I had a say in it, or at the very least the right to be informed about it. And of course you're exactly right again that it is your money. Oddly enough, that's what I said to Remus when he asked me if you'd spoken to me, and how I felt about it. Strange isn't it? Your best friend seems to be under the mistaken impression that we're a team.'
'Lily...' He turned to face her fully, but she held one hand up to stop him.
'I think you've said enough.' She headed for the back door of the house, pausing once she had her hand on the door handle. 'You know, if this wasn't my Grandmother's ring, and the only piece of her I have left...I would have thrown it at you.'
She opened the door and went in without another word, spine straight and head high, leaving him staring after her and wondering exactly how they'd gotten here.
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A/N: I know, you all hate me. Such is life.
Thing is, relationships are a long way from smooth sailing; loving someone doesn't mean you don't hurt them, that you aren't careless with them. Arguments happen. The interesting thing about this one – to me anyway – is that both parties have a very valid point. Lily doesn't necessarily have the right to know James' private thoughts, but she does have the right to be informed about decisions that he's making that will affect her. James didn't mean to shut her out, but he did. They're both right and both wrong.
Also I don't think Fabian and Gideon were actually twins, but I want them to be, so they are.
