A/N: Sorry for the wait. I tried to work this in last week but I didn't get it done and I'm sorry. On the bright side I'm feeling mostly refreshed from my 8 day vacation and am hoping to start in on the next chapter after I finish posting this one :) The next chapter picks up after the season finale that I was so angry about because I wasn't ready for it to stop...but I'm sure I'm not the only one. Sorry if this one sucks...it kinda felt like a filler chapter for me so I'll try to get the next one out ASAP.
I woke up bright and early. Today was the day I would start chemotherapy. I wasn't really sure what I was feeling as I got out of bed and began gathering my last few essentials that I wanted to take with me. I still hadn't spoken to Leo but maybe that was a good thing. It was hard to tell at the moment. All I knew was that I had my mom, sister, grandma, and Beth with me
We got to the hospital early so we decided to sit outside for a bit and enjoy the weather. It wasn't enough time though. I was admitted quickly since everything had already been arranged and they put me under to insert my catheter that would be administering my chemo.
When I got to my room it was nice to see that my family had already started decorating and getting my things situated. I was feeling mostly okay but I was told that there were a variety of symptoms I may experience including hallucinations. I wasn't quite sure I was ready for that but it wasn't like I had much of a choice either.
It was only a matter of hours before I was starting to feel confined. I didn't want to look out the windows because it made me depressed to see everyone walking around and going about their daily lives. When bedtime came I wasn't sure how I would ever fall asleep. I was grateful my mom was there with me and when I expressed my concern about not being able to fall asleep she surprised me by pulling out a book I used to read before bed with my dad. My mom thought of everything and I couldn't have been more grateful.
The dreams began that night and they felt so real that it was difficult to remain asleep. It began with seeing my dad as he was in the hospital after his accident. I couldn't wait for morning to come.
Chemo Day #2:
When I awoke the room was empty so I decided to occupy my time with Candy Crush and journaling. I wanted to document as much as I could in case I ever did want to write a book about it. It was kind of nice to have a little time to myself. I know my family and friends meant well but I knew how worried they were and I didn't like stressing them out.
Around 11 a.m. there was a knock at my door. I wasn't really expecting anyone but I guess I shouldn't be surprised by that. I was surprised however when I saw Danny crack open the door.
He'd ignored me my entire last day at work and I honestly hadn't anticipated that he would visit me in the hospital.
"Danny."
"Hey."
He took a seat next to my bed but didn't talk.
"Are you mad at me? Are you upset that I didn't tell you I was sick?"
"No, it's not that, I just don't know how to say it without sounding like I suck."
"Just say it."
"I can't keep being a jerk to you."
I smiled. "Yes, you can. This competitiveness that we have is what has gotten me through the last month and I've got another month before I get to leave this place. I need that to stay sane."
"Are you sure?"
"I am. I'm glad you came by. I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable."
"It's cool. I gotta get going but I'll be by more often. Lawrence has a few small assignments I may be able to filter your way if you're feeling up to it. "
"Thanks, Danny."
The nausea started to settle in a little after lunch. I felt terrible and I didn't really want anyone to see me like that but I was glad that it would be Brenna staying the night with me instead of my mom.
Thankfully they upped my anti-nausea medicine so I was starting to feel better. Bren and I talked a little before bed but I was so exhausted. I was also terrified to fall asleep because I didn't want the dreams to come.
Chemo Day #3
I woke up to the nausea and I couldn't hold anything down. I was glad that Brenna had already left for school. When the nurse came in to see if I had eaten anything she commented on how I hadn't eaten anything. I told her that I couldn't keep anything down and I stayed curled up in a ball on my bed. She left the room after mentioning that she'd talk to the doctor about adjusting my meds. I must have dozed off…or maybe I was awake…I wasn't quite sure but I was sitting up and sipping the drink that came with my lunch when I looked over to the visitor's chair and saw my father.
"Am I dead?"
He shook his head.
"So this is a dream?"
He sighed deeply.
"Dad, what's wrong?"
"It's just hard for me to see you in here like this. You should be out there, living your life."
"I'm trying to get better so I can."
"I just don't want you to die here like I did."
"Do you know something that I don't?!"
I blinked and he was gone and I couldn't think or breathe. I just wanted out. I grabbed my phone, called Leo and told him I needed his help to get out.
He found me in the chapel at the hospital curled up into a chair.
"You're pretty rude you know, they let me check out of this hell hole two days ago and you drag me right back. I should get a mailbox here or something."
He sat next to me. "Alright, what's going on?"
"I can't do this anymore. Every day I am poked and prodded like some piece of meat. I'm suffocating in every way. The air in my room is stale and I'm just so angry with all of the things that I should be doing. I shut my blinds so that I wouldn't have to see people living their lives. I just…need to get out of here."
"So you called me?" he asked softly.
"You're the only one who would understand. So will you break me out?"
"It's not prison, April. You can check out anytime you want."
"Then I want to do that. Help me."
"No. I know being here doesn't feel like living but you've got to do it."
"Why."
"You're going to survive this. I knew that from the beginning. You refused to believe you wouldn't have a future and I think you still do. You can't let this win. Come on, I'll help you back."
I stood up and almost collapsed. He picked me up into his arms and carried me back to my floor. He set me down and let me walk but I stopped him so we could talk.
"I'm scared," I told him. "Not of going back. I'm scared that when I get out…"
"I won't be alive," he finished. "That could happen. But you're only scared because of what I symbolize."
"It's more than that. I thought you knew after…"
"After what, did something happen between us that I already forgot? You know my memory isn't so good lately," he teased.
"Stop," I said I a whisper.
I felt his arms going around me. "I could never forget what happened that night but I'm the wrong person to bet on. I'm going to walk away now and you're going to go back to your room and we're not going to make a big deal about this."
I closed my eyes and when I opened them he was gone. I walked slowly until I ran into my mom and uncle. They got me all settled back into my room and started asking me questions. I told them I was feeling better and it was just a panic attack and they seemed to be okay with the answer. They left me to rest but I couldn't seem to get Leo off my brain.
I went about my daily routines with my family and Beth and I was mostly feeling better about everything. It was Day 5 when Beth and I were taking a walk around the cancer ward. We took a turn and I saw Leo's parents. I was weak but I made Beth walk with me faster. I heard the ding on my phone and she stopped me to hand me the phone to listen to a voicemail.
I picked it up and I heard his voice.
"April, it's Leo. I have to tell you something really important."
