Oh my god, this took me eternity and I'm sorry. But here you go, I'm not actually dead. I was just really anxious about where to go with this chapter and I hope for both your and my good the next one doesn't take so much time. Comments would be very appreciated as always. Love y'all :)
The Winter Soldier does not think. His brain is clouded by pain, his judgement ill and his body malfunctioning. But his action feels like the most natural thing he's ever done. Without looking, he leaps into the void underneath him. For a few moments, he's falling and it feels great. For some reason, he feels free.
Fortunately, he's not completely devoid of survival instinct. Just before he hits the surface of a dirty river, he places his feet under him to lessen the impact the fall would have on his body. He pierces the river's surface with loud splash. He forgets to take a breath before he disappears under the water and he panics as it gets into his mouth. He resurfaces quickly again and coughs, gasping for air. He almost climbs out of the water before he remembers he has a purpose, the most important mission ever assigned to him. It's not a mission to kill or maim, it's to save and saving lives feels much better than ending them.
The Winter Soldier takes a big breath and plunges into the water again. His right shoulder protests as he tries to move it but he doesn't stop. His head spins and his lungs are on fire but he doesn't stop.
You're my mission.
Yes, he is. The Soldier still doesn't remember the man, there is just a distant feeling, a promise of something more. The Soldier dares to hope that maybe, just maybe, he will be able to learn more about world. But in that moment, he has to concentrate on his task.
Looking around furiously, he doesn't see anything. The world is green and gray as if it was deprived of any other colours. He doesn't care. He knows there are more – red, white, blue – to be found but he has to be quick. The world may have lost its colours, but he will get hold of those three. He has to take another breath before diving into the depth again. Just as he thinks he won't be able to go on any further, he catches a glimpse. With incredible strength that rushes through his body in one last chance to be useful before dying out, he kicks his legs and sees that indeed, it is the colour he was searching for. His metal arm reaches forward and gets hold of it.
Nobody was there to see them emerge from the water despite it being a crucial moment in history. Nobody knew what pulled beloved Captain America out of the river. And maybe it was better that way because it would be just their moment forever.
The Winter Soldier drags the motionless form of Captain America out of the flow. He stands by his side for a while and stares at the man who claimed to have been his friend. The Soldier doesn't know or remember. He wishes to stay by the man's side but he doesn't see the reason. There are colours in the world again and he doesn't feel it necessary to dwell on the spot. He can't determine the emotion he feels after Captain America moves a little and takes a shallow breath. It is the same feeling he had after a mission's gone well and he was rewarded, he just cannot name it.
The Soldier looks around himself. He sees fire, smoke, huge pieces of metal scattered around, debris. He mustn't stay there and watch over the lifeless man even if he seems to crave it. He feels like he might faint any given minute and he doesn't wish to be found close to the unconscious Captain America. Nobody would believe he saved the hero anyway – he is certainly not going to be there to find out.
With one last glance at the familiar face, he bows his head and turns around. He holds his right arm curled in the elbow and keeps it close to his chest. It feels least painful that way even if it isn't truly an improvement. He walks off into the shrubbery on the riverbank and soon finds himself deep in the vegetation. He makes his way through it even as his breathing gets shallow and uneven. He stares down at his feet and he wanders around. He's trembling; the tremor is palpable in his injured shoulder. He thinks he's picturing it but it feels like his bones, tendons and muscles are fighting to get to their rightful positions.
"Bucky, darling, we will have to get it back to its place, okay?" Nice lady tells him. His vision is blurred and there's a lot of pain but he can distinguish a hand holding his own. It feels reassuring.
"Will it hurt?" he whimpers. He knows he's childish but he can't help it.
"A little. But it will be much better then."
"Okay."
"On three. One, two, three."
He expects pain but it only gets better.
"Sh, it's over, Bucky. It's okay."
"You tricked me," he whines but smiles anyway as two pairs of pure blue eyes look at him with pride. "You said it would hurt."
"You wouldn't believe me if I said no."
The Winter Soldier leans against a nearby tree. He doesn't know the source of this recollection, he only realises its purpose. His body would deal with his injuries, but it could not make his shoulder joint to start working properly when in wrong position. He will have to help it and he'll have to do it alone if he ever wants to use his arm again. He's not entirely sure what he might do with it - or any other part of his body - but he decides it could be left for another time.
It won't be easy for him to get the bones back into their respectful position without someone else's help. He thinks it over for some time before he sits down with his back against the tree.
It won't work, you'll hurt yourself. You must not hurt yourself, do not knowingly compromise yourself. A useless asset is a dead asset. In case of a serious, crippling injury, report to HYDRA immediately. Do not attempt to treat injuries yourself. You'll fuck it up and they'd punish you.
The Soldier knows nothing about fixing himself after getting beaten up. He only knows that if he doesn't do something, he'd go crazy and he can't really ask anyone for help. He even considers turning to some HYDRA officer but he has to decide against it. As he understood it, this mission was way more important than any other in the past and since he didn't do well, he has to presume going back and showing himself wouldn't be the wisest thing to do. No, he is all alone. He should get used to that because that's how it's going to be. He's a misfit, a freak and now those who put up with him wouldn't want him anymore.
Maybe he would… He said he was with me. He said he was a friend.
Winter shuts his eyes closed, forcefully, painfully until his eyes feel squished and painful. He can't let thoughts like this take over his mind. He has to learn to be on his own; the sooner he accepts that, the better. He is all alone now, he is supposed to be a person, a human or at least act like one. And real humans don't cling onto others so much, right? Right?
He hears some noise in the direction of the river. There are voices, stamping feet, branches and bushes being thrown out of the way. So loud, so noisy. It'd would be so easy to just… end them. They peaked Winter's attention and he looks out and counts the distance in his head. He's almost on his feet when he realises something.
They're here for him. They'll take him away, care for him, provide him with whatever he needs. He will be taken care of and they'll clean his mind up and he wouldn't have to worry about the broken weapon that pulled him out of the river. Everything will be alright. I must let them take care of him.
The Winter Soldier relaxes again and falls heavily against the trunk. He closes his eyes - it would be so easy to just let go, wouldn't it - the asset must maintain the highest level of functionality possible - so nice to just close eyes and stop perceiving, stop calculating, stop counting, stop shooting - the asset will under no circumstances stop to rest without being told to do so - and he grasps his right elbow with his cold, lifeless fingers. They're sticky and dirty with blood - with his precious blood - and Winter can't but grin. If only HYDRA knew how close he got…
Maybe he's going to lose his second arm as well. Maybe his arm is beyond saving. Maybe there's no veins and arteries to nourish it, maybe he'll lose it just like he lost the left one, how he lost memory, how he lost humanity, himself, love, him. It's all about him. Maybe all this mission was just to see what this man could do to the unbreakable, unbeatable fist of HYDRA. Maybe there was no purpose. Maybe all he had to do was save one man. Or maybe two. Should he save himself too?
He changes his mind and moves his fingers up his arm to find the source of his problem. His metal fingers are not as perceptive as he'd need them to be, his body too alien to him. Why did he never pay attention when they took care of his injuries? It was never necessary. He never thought he would leave HYDRA, he never imagined he could live without HYDRA. Or did he and was he robbed of the memory of it just like they took all memories away? What if he met him already, what if they'd truly been friends and HYDRA didn't want them to be friends because god, even half dead under a girder, he felt alive when he was with him.
Is this bone supposed to be here? Does it stand out naturally or is it the injury? Where's the right place - left, right, back forth? Is this what a touch feels to other people? Is this what a caress is?
The Soldier is slowly going into a shock - his thoughts whirl and explode all around, he is shaking heavily, his heart's beating as if this was its last minute and it had to give a lifetime worth of beats, and he is cold so cold - no, no, no. He's just warmed up, he doesn't want to go back, he can't go back, not now, no, please, please, please, no.
He tries to take a deep breath but it isn't possible. His lungs are too full and too empty at the same time. This is ridiculous - he grasps his upper arm and moves it gently but firmly - down, to the left and up.
The Winter Soldier closes his eyes tiredly, sighs deeply, finally able to do so, and leans his head against the tree. He's literally too exhausted to even be tired and he falls asleep immediately. He can't care about caution, protection, finding a more suitable place to spend the night in. He still holds his right elbow with his left hand and there's a lot of blood wandering aimlessly around his shoulder.
—
"'Cause I'm with you 'til the end of the line."
There's a lot of noise, a lot of pain, a lot of confusion and very little hope. The whole situation is overwhelming, he can't take it, there's no way he could take it. He has to admit it, there's no way he's getting out of here. He will die here, tied to a cot, frightened, confused, alone. That's not a good way to go, not a noble way. He died alone. When he couldn't make it through another night. He died silent. He made no difference to the world. Not the best way to die, is it? I'm sorry, Steve.
Steve? Steve, keep me warm, keep me alive. I am here, Steve, don't leave. I am here, please save me. But it's so cold and everything is too bright and too loud. I can't see anything and my eyes hurt. My whole body hurts, it's falling apart, bit by bit, and everything is freezing and I'm shaking and-
Winter Soldier gasps for air abruptly as he wakes up. He raises his head and looks around, searching for any danger or intruder. When he spots a bird sitting on a branch above him, he doesn't consciously come to the conclusion this was what woke him up but he calms down either way. He is calm for only a moment however, because he notices several malfunctions of his body at once. As he lies on the ground where he must have fallen after losing control over his body, he realizes that the cold he experienced in his confusing dream is very real. He can't determine the source of such discomfort. From his experience, cold was always short and followed by numbness. This cold is omnipresent and seems to be everlasting if not getting worse.
There is some voice in Winter's head whispering something. It's very indistinct, he can't make out the words. He has a distant feeling that he should be moving but he can't force himself to make a single muscle work. He's shivering so much he has to clutch his jaws together not to hurt his teeth. There is the sensation of having his lungs too empty and too full at the same time again, he's breathing heavily and fast as if he just ran a marathon. He closes his eyes and holds them shut, hoping his problems would disappear just like that.
They don't however. He tries to roll on his other side because the one he was lying on seemed a little less frozen but he soon learns that wasn't the smartest move. He lost all the remnants of his body warmth stored beneath them and he certainly didn't get any new. If anything, his left side which didn't feel like falling off until now becomes just as numb as the rest of his body. The Soldier feels like crying. His chest tightens and causes even more pain than he already suffers from. Everything is so dry though, dry but also wet at the same time and he can't understand how he can feel so dry inside and so damp on the outside at the same time.
"You have to move, Steve, come on. You'll freeze and die, knowing you. Just move, come on, don't be lazy."
"But I don't want to. I can't move, if I move I'll pass out."
"Don't be such a baby. Come on, just a little more, we'll be home soon and I'll wrap you in all the blankets I have, but you have to move."
Is this an actual memory or did he just make it up? He has no idea but he decides to follow whatever advice he was given. Moving seems impossible, threatening and painful but according to what his brain told him, it is effective. He can't know if it wasn't a sick trick on him but he came to the conclusion it didn't really matter. Whether it is going to be better or worse, at least it would end. This is unbearable. The Winter Soldier can't even care about dying if it means this suffering could be over.
He starts with his legs, he stretches and bends them a couple of times. It doesn't feel like dying and it seems to defrost some parts of him. He sits up and looks around again. He doesn't know what he's doing there, why he's in a forest, alone and cold, and nothing makes sense. He starts moving his arm before he realizes it hasn't been long since he got it injured. He screams with pain and pulls his arm to his chest again, his face distorted with pain.
Moving his legs didn't seem painful so he repeats the move for a few minutes. His breathing is still too fast and he can feel his heart pounding against his ribcage as if it suddenly became twice its size but at least the pain in his limbs went away. After a long discussion with himself he decides to get on his feet and attempt to make a few steps. He turns on his knees and supports himself on his metal arm as he stands up. He checks his surroundings again and he follows his plan.
Walking is actually a lot easier than it seemed as he was still lying on the ground. That encourages him to carry on placing one foot in front of another as he makes his way out of the forest. He holds his flesh arm close to his chest and sometimes he walks blindly straight ahead as keeping his eyes open seems to be too much of exhaustion to him.
Winter arrives on the river bank. He can see pools of blood and tell where he lay even though the Soldier doesn't realise how and why he knows that. His brain tells him walking alongside the stream is easier than finding his way through the forest with all the trees surrounding him, and all the caution he could still muster the day before is long gone as his thinking is reduced to solely one purpose - survive.
His head is spinning as if he hit himself in it. He doesn't remember that, but he can't truthfully say he remembers much. His whole body is trembling which hurts and confuses him even more. He's never shaken before, his hands need to be steady. How is he going to shoot his rifle, throw a knife, if his fingers quiver? He searches for his weapons instinctively but he only finds some small dagger and a few meters of a fishing line. Everything else is gone - lying somewhere with his shield and remnants of the vehicle Winter was supposed to guard. He really failed, didn't he?
For a fleeting moment he considers diving into the river in attempt to retrieve any weapon he might have lost when he jumped in after Captain America. Then he recalls what it felt like - dark, scary and suffocating. He would never dive under the water again. He shakes and secures his knife in its place so that he doesn't lose it. It's not much of a weaponry but at least he has something to protect himself with.
Do not lose weapons. Weapons are expensive and we don't want others to see them. Always make sure you have everything with you. When someone takes your fire-arm, you make sure to destroy it before they have a chance to examine it. Understood?
The Soldier frowns as he checks what is left of him. If he were to return back to HYDRA, he would be punished severely and he'd be given as a reward to agents of HYDRA who did well that day. Their treatment seems wrong and somehow makes him feel worse than whatever his keepers do to him even though it's not more painful. He decides he's glad he doesn't have to go back, even though he's hurting extensively at the moment. At least he knows why he's hurting now. He was overpowered by Captain America who dislocated his shoulder. Heavy piece of metal fell on his chest and injured him. He failed the mission, he deserves to be punished. He jumped into cold water so he's suffering from hypothermia.
He's been in this situation before. It was long ago, his memories are blurry and he can't make much sense of them, but he remembers being cold. Back then, there was a different keeper and a different supervisor. The Soldier thinks he liked the recent ones better but he can't be sure. What did they do to fix him? Maybe he could imitate it.
He's wearing strange clothes. Unsuitable, impractical. Where should he put his knives, his guns? It's covering his metal arm, causing it to heat up and lessening the range of movement. He's wrapped up in something as if he was tied up, but it's looser and it doesn't really restrain him. He wiggles to free himself.
"Прекрати!" someone utters and looks harshly at Winter. The Soldier obeys and lies still, hoping he didn't anger his ward-men. Soon, his body hurts but he feels better which is weird because he was always told pain indicates troubles. He closes his eyes and since nobody says anything against it, he keeps them closed.
He can't make too much out of this memory, but apparently strange clothes that seem impractical and useless could help. He holds the picture in his mind as he evaluates his possibilities. He keeps walking and the scenery is changing around him. He realizes he'll be in a city soon and he reluctantly changes his direction to hide from people. He had seen this type of clothes before, he knows people keep it, but how can he obtain it without showing himself to them?
Soon enough, there really is a city in front of him. It's huge and scary and comforting at the same time. High buildings and colorful placards seem familiar but something is odd about them. Winter Soldier almost sits down under a bridge but he changes his mind when he recalls how he felt lying down. No, he can't sit down until he's in the weird garments and wrapped in a furry piece of cloth. People keep them in their homes, don't they?
He hadn't been in a home for ages, he can't even explain why he thinks he might be able to acquire whatever he needs in somebody's home. He can only remember Pierce's flat, but that didn't seem like home to Winter. It was too empty, too impersonal.
Homes are not located in the tallest buildings. There are houses lining the river, he can see them and they seem like homes. He doesn't know how to ask for the clothes. He wants to do it, but he can't let people see him. It seems to him he should ask for it, maybe offer something in return. But he doesn't have anything, he can't give anything as a payback for clothes. All he has is himself - his destructive power, his limited supply of weapons and what he is wearing. Maybe he could give them his vest, his belts and his pants. It strikes him as suitable - he takes clothes, he gives them in return.
No traces, no clues, no evidence. Never leave anything behind. Never let anyone see you. Never talk to anyone unless it's necessary, never walk on clean floor in dirty boots, never walk across a fresh and damp pool of mud.
Winter Soldier climbs up the shore of the river and stands on the road. The neighborhood seems calm and quiet until he realises it's dark. After that, he knows why there are just few people outside. He chooses one house on the end of one street that is all dark and quiet.
He knows his work is going to be delicate. He didn't have much choice to be subtle when breaking into houses on his previous assignments, but he thinks he can manage. As far as he knows, it wouldn't be the first time but his mind likes to play tricks on him. He looks around and makes sure nobody is watching him before he makes his way towards the house. He walks around it to see if there is some back door not visible from the road. The house is surrounded by a fence. It's not difficult to get over it but Winter is mildly worried by the fact how useless his right arm is. Maybe he really should report back to HYDRA, he doesn't think any of his injuries took so long to cure.
Just like he assumed, there is a door leading to the garden where he's currently standing. He tries to open the door in case he's lucky and it's not locked. It doesn't give way so he takes out his knife and places the tip into the lock as quietly as he can. He's glad he kept his knife instead of a gun because he can't imagine what he could do with a gun in this situation. He concentrates on the lock and after a few minutes the door finally clicks and he can step inside. He navigates through the house as if he's been there already. There are more rooms than he'd expect to see. He remembers the purposes of some of them and it makes him scream desperately on the inside.
He doesn't know why he knows the purpose of this exact room, he thinks it looked differently when he used to use it, but he still connects warmth with this room. He feels like a child standing in front of a sweets shop. He can't explore how this room works - he assumes he would find out how to do so - because that's not why he came and he would give himself away.
Be like a shadow, noiseless, faceless but omnipresent.
He forces himself to leave the room. It hurts him physically, his body which remembers much more than his damaged mind protests against leaving but he can't give in to his desires. Finally, he stumbles upon a room that contains clothes. He takes several pieces into his hands and unfolds them to see what purpose they might have. It takes him a while to find something that wouldn't be too small, but finally he has some pieces he can guess the purpose of. He also finds a baseball cap which he takes with him because even though it's not as good as his goggles to hide his face, it might work a little. Once he has all he wanted in his arms, he wonders what to do. He doesn't want to carry his old clothes around, he can't leave them lying around anywhere.
He decides to change right there in the house and figure that out later. Taking off the cold and damp vest feels like getting the greatest reward in the whole world. He almost sighs with relief. All the belts with unnecessary cases and armor follow right after. As he takes of his one-sleeved jacket and undershirt, he becomes conscious of the water on his skin. He's wet and he doesn't have to have much experience with dressing to know it would be a bad idea to put something on when he's like this. He removes the rest of his attire quickly and he stands naked in the closet, wondering what to do. He figures out that despite it not being the primary function of a t-shirt, he can get himself dry with it. He executes this idea.
Winter Soldier discovers another fascinating thing about his body. Rubbing the cloth against his body feels pleasant. Being dry feels nice too.
He puts on what he chose for himself - a white pair of boxers, black socks with green heel and toes that say 'Friday', a pair of dark blue jeans he has to secure with a leather belt, a slightly too big Iron Maiden t-shirt, a green sweater and a black jacket. He places the cap on his head as well. He feels the effect immediately. Being cold doesn't seem to be a problem anymore and he's overjoyed. At last he puts on his own boots because they're his and he came to the conclusion that other person's shoes wouldn't feel so comfortable.
He picks his old clothes up and searches for anything useful he might have had. He doesn't have anything but the fishing line and knife he found earlier and a box of matches that is soaked wet and therefore useless. He puts it back into the pocket where it was. With the heap in his hands, he walks out of the closet. He originally heads for the door but something in the kitchen catches his eye.
There's a bottle of water standing on the kitchen counter. The Soldier immediately recalls his evaluation of the situation from couple of hours ago. There were several indications his body was malfunctioning and with the hypothermia being the most severe, he pushed the others away. Now when he wasn't freezing anymore, he could feel the dryness inside him which certainly didn't feel pleasant. He knows he used to fight this dryness with bottles like this one; on a longer mission somewhere far from civilization, his companion would have a bottle like this and give it to him to drink from.
Winter abandons all caution and takes the bottle into his hands quickly. His hands take some time to remove the cap but afterwards he pours the liquid down his throat with all his might. When he drinks about a quarter of it, it stops being so pleasant so he stops. There are memories warning him what might happen if he ignored the unpleasant feeling in his stomach and he decides to listen to them. He closes the bottle again and takes it with him just like he saw his guards do it.
On his way out, he avoids looking longingly at bathrooms and he sneaks out of the door just as quietly as he got inside. He gives the house an apologetic gaze as if he could somehow pay off what he took inside. The Soldier closes the door behind him and makes his way towards the fence again. He throws his clothes and his new possession over it and follows it shortly after. When he sees the river's surface glisten in the lights of the city, he has an idea of what he's going to do with his old clothing. He runs across the road almost joyfully without any obvious reasons. He still feels lost, exhausted and has no idea what to do, but at least he stopped being HYDRA's property. He killed the voice in his mind telling him he would never stop being theirs as he threw his old clothes down into the stream.
Winter Soldier stands above the Potomac river and looks at the stars that shine almost invisibly above his head. He doesn't know where he's going but he knows there are many things he has to learn before he can. One of those would be finding out who James Buchanan Barnes was - is? - because the name does sound familiar. Maybe it doesn't ring a bell, but it might have made a jingle bell flutter and chink.
