Between Men
"Kakashi."
"Sasuke?"
"Fuck off."
"That's 'fuck off, Hokage-sama' to you."
"Whatever. Just keep your filthy hands off Sarada."
"Sakura-chan actually encourages some germs, you know. Haven't you heard of the hygiene hypothesis? Helps build her immune system and prevent allergies and all that."
"Dammit, Kakashi, you know that's not what I'm talking about!"
"...Are we talking about dinner last night?"
"Tch."
"When your daughter proposed to me?"
"And you accepted!"
"Maa, maa. Sarada didn't really mean it. Little girls declare their intent to marry their father figures all the time."
"And I'm her father."
"Obviously. But who takes care of her when you're away and Sakura is busy?"
"You—"
"And may I remind you who got Sakura to the hospital when she went into labor while you were away?
"You—"
"And who held her hand the whole time, suffering several fractures in the process?"
"Give me a freaking break! She was five weeks early! And I made it in the end, didn't I?!"
"Thanks to Naruto and his flying thunder god technique."
"Anyway, she already practically lived in the hospital."
"Because I assigned her there."
"Not the point. Stay away from my daughter, you cradle-snatching reprobate."
"Can't help it if I'm a silver fox, Sasuke."
"You can't marry my daughter."
"Of course not. Then I'd have to call you Daddy."
"Shut up before I puke."
"Papa?"
"NO."
"I'm kidding, I'd rather just live in sin."
"!"
"I was joking."
"…"
"Sasuke?"
"Yeah, I know. And I know she's too young for it to mean anything. I'm just stressed, ok?"
"Of course you are."
"…yeah."
"I understand where you're coming from, you know. There once was a lovely young girl who was like a daughter to me."
"So?"
"Now you're sleeping with her."
"Tch. If it bothers you so much, then stop trying to give me sex tips all the time."
"I just want her to be happy. As much as I want you to be happy."
"…thank you?"
"Any time."
"And we are."
"What?"
"Happy."
"Ah. I know, Sasuke. I can tell. Seriously, seeing you three now, I could die happy."
"Thank you."
"Any time."
"I mean it. For putting your ass on the line for me that time, for giving me another chance, for always watching over Sakura and Sarada when I can't."
"Of course."
"Hn."
"While we're on the subject of keeping watch, I'd keep an eye on Boruto, if I were you."
"What? Why?"
"Sarada thinks he's annoying."
"And just what the hell is that supposed to mean?!"
"You tell me. After all, she's your daughter."
"…shit."
"He's a nice boy."
"He's a moron."
"Hey. She's going to marry a moron someday. Might as well be Naruto's moron."
"Tch."
"Maa, maa. That's just what daughters do. They're all yours for a few fleeting years, until they discover boys, spread their legs—"
"What."
"—and fly away."
"…"
"Ah, did I say legs? I meant wings."
"CHIDORI."
A/N: I've always considered Kakashi the most epic troll in the entire series. He's a bored genius, but in a more overtly flippant way than Shikamaru.
