Author's Note: Sorry I didn't update yesterday! I had a big test that took up my first two periods in the morning and then I went to perform for an elementary school! Anyway, here's the fourth chapter. More plot comes up in this (kinda) so I'm excited to hear what you guys think of it, so please review!
Triggers for: self-harm, rape (kinda)
Kurt's POV:
The rest of the week passes by uneventfully. I've gotten to know Blaine much better and he's slowly becoming my best friend at Dalton. Even though he doesn't know anything, except that I was bullied I feel good knowing that if I need to talk about something I can go to him. Life still sucks but at least I have one friend other than my blade as company.
I'm in my bathroom right now, cuts littering my arms, the blood starting to stop spilling from my veins. Relief is spilling out from my pores and I grab the ace bandage from the countertop. I put my blade back and step into a shower, letting the warm water consume me.
After my shower, I get into a pair of silk pajama pants and a sweater, for once not caring about how I look. I grab the book I have to read for school—Animal Farm, ugh—and get comfortable in bed, hoping to get through at least ten pages.
Twenty pages later, I'm surprisingly not dying of boredom and Blaine walks into the room. I look up at him and wave. He smiles and dashes into the bathroom. A few minutes later Blaine comes out with a t-shirt and jeans on. He looks over at me and smiles. I reach over to grab my whiteboard and quickly realize that's a big mistake.
My sleeve rides up, only a little bit, but enough for me to hope Blaine didn't see my cuts. By the way he gasps when I freeze, I know he saw. "Kurt..." I hear him sigh and walk over to my bed. "What are those on your arm?" He sits down and I pull my sleeve down further.
I grab my whiteboard and scribble out 'Nothing.'
"I know it's not nothing, Kurt..." He looks so sad that I just can't lie to him.
'I'm sorry,' I write out, letting a tear slip down my cheek. Blaine moves in and grips me tight, hugging me as if I'm the only person left on the planet.
"Can I see?" He asks, holding out his hand. I nod and hold out my arm, trying to stay strong for this. He rolls up my sleeve and gasps. "Oh, Kurt."
My mouth is completely dry and I feel like vomiting. I don't want Blaine's pity, I just want him to understand. But he doesn't understand, nobody does. God I feel like cutting now more than ever. I'm pathetic, a failure. I'm so stupid. How could I ever believe I'd be able to keep this a secret forever? Blaine was bound to find out sometime. Now I just feel like shit. I can't do anything right.
Blaine looks at my arm, running a finger over my cuts. "Why?" He looks up at me and I see tears forming in his eyes. I shrug and turn away. "Hey, Kurt, don't shut me out. Don't put your walls up. Please. Was it the bullies? Did they make you want to do this?" I shrug again, turning to look at him. "You don't deserve this, Kurt." I look up at him and shake my head. "Kurt. Look at me. You are worth so much more than you think you are. You are smart and kind and so, so strong. You're perfect, Kurt."
Everything he's saying are lies. I'm not smart or kind or strong and I'm definitely not perfect. I'm so imperfect I can't stand it.
Blaine doesn't deserve this. He deserves my voice. He deserves an explanation through mouth, not writing. I sigh and prepare myself for what I'm about to do.
"I-I'm sorry, Blaine..." I say, nervously, looking at him as I speak. He looks up from my cuts as he hears my voice and smiles.
"Kurt... Your voice is beautiful." He's momentarily distracted and for that I'm grateful. "You should talk more," He looks up at me, smiling, with a hint of– what is that? Pride? He can't be proud of me; I haven't given him anything to be proud of. I'm a pathetic freak who doesn't talk and cuts himself. I close my mouth and turn away from Blaine, letting a few tears fall from my eyes.
I just spoke. I shouldn't have. Not even in the confines of my room, with nobody but my roommate here. I can't do it again. If I do it, I'll end up telling Blaine more. More about my bullies, my life, Karofsky. What he did. I can't. Karofsky's long gone but his threat's still here with me. I can't tell anyone. He'll find out and kill me. I know he still has connections in Lima, which isn't very far from here. No. I'm not going to talk again. I can't. I can't let Blaine in and then get him and myself in danger. I'm protecting him. He'd like that, right? He has to. He doesn't want to be put in danger, especially not because of some pathetic excuse of a person like me.
"Kurt, don't build your walls up again. Come on, please? Can you just tell me why?" Blaine's not only pleading with his mouth but with eyes.
How am I supposed to say no to that? He's gotten out the puppy dog eyes. I don't know how I'm going to accomplish anything again with him here. It would be okay for me to talk just to him, right? I talked to my dad and nothing happened. He doesn't know anything. He only knew about some bullying; he sent me here to make me talk. Even though he didn't say that I know it's true. It should be okay if I talk to Blaine. But only to Blaine, and I can't tell him anything. I'll just tell him the extent of the bullying, not even mention what Karofsky's done.
"Th-they threw me into d-dumpsters, Blaine," I don't know if I'm stuttering because I'm terrified of talking or because I'm about to cry. Maybe both. "I got i-ice cold slushies thrown o-on my head. They b-beat me up almost e-everyday. They said th-that I'm pathetic and s-stupid and worthless a-and girly and annoying and unimportant and u-useless and that I c-can't do anything r-right. It's all t-true Blaine. I am a-all those things. All because I-I'm a stupid f-fag." Tears are flowing freely from my eyes and I throw myself at Blaine, enveloping him in a tight hug.
"No, Kurt. You're not any of those things. I promise." He runs a hand up and down my back, trying to calm me down, but I'm too far gone. I get up from his lap and scramble into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I grab my blade and push it into my skin, once, twice, three times before Blaine is pushing the door open and trying to get the blade out of my hands. "No!" I yell, trying—and failing—to keep the blade from him. "Give it to me!" I hold my hand out, even though I know he won't give me the blade. I start crying and fall to the ground in the fetal position.
"Kurt, you can't keep doing this to yourself," He crouches down next to me throwing my blade in the trash. "It's not healthy."
I look up at him and shake my head. "But it works, Blaine. I wouldn't be here without it," I look up at him and see my words sink in. At first he looks sad but then he looks angry.
"But this is killing you Kurt! Look what you're doing to your body! One day you're going to cut too deep and what's going to happen then? Do you know what I would do if you died? I'd blame myself, Kurt. To know that you're doing this to yourself and have you die, it would be my fault. I can't just sit here and watch you kill yourself, Kurt. I... I really care about you and I can't watch you do this to yourself." Blaine is crying, looking down at me with so much sincerity that i might just believe him. But I can't. I bet Blaine just doesn't want me hurting myself because he doesn't want to have to deal with a psycho as a roommate.
"I-I don't know if I can, Blaine." I say, nervously. I don't want to stop cutting. "I'll try," I lie. It shouldn't be hard for me to find new blades. I just have to be better at hiding myself.
Blaine sighs and stands up. "Thank you, Kurt. You're so strong, please stay strong. If not for yourself, for me."
I stand up and examine my three cuts before washing off my arm and deciding not to bandage them. Blaine sighs and looks at me sadly, and I feel a little guilty, for cutting and for lying, but I brush it off. I give Blaine a hug and move into our room. "I really am sorry, Blaine." I've gotten used to talking to him. As long as he doesn't figure anything else out, I think I'll be fine.
"Are you going to be talking now?" I don't think he's asking to be judgmental, just curious.
"Only... Only to you." I'm cautious. I don't know how Blaine will take this and I hope he's not expecting me to talk in public.
"That's fine. I'm glad you opened up to me," He smiles at me and I feel slightly awkward.
"I'm sorry, Blaine, for everything, for cutting, for not talking to you, for being such a freak." I'm terrified Blaine is going to leave me, now that he knows how crazy I really am. But he can't leave me, I don't know how I'll be able to do this without him.
"Hey, Kurt, it's okay. You're not a freak, I promise. Why don't we both just sleep on it, okay? Maybe we can talk more tomorrow."
"Okay, yeah," I climb into bed and quickly doze off, exhausted at the day I had.
•
"Hey, Hummel!" Karofsky shouts from behind me. How did he find me here? He's supposed to be in a different state, how could he have found me at Dalton? I break into a run as I hear his footsteps getting closer. I run into a park, eery looking in the night. I hide behind the slide but then I feel a pair if meaty hands around my waist. "You couldn't hide from me forever." I let out a scream but he puts his hand over my mouth. I try to scramble away but he's too strong. He drags me to a car and throws me in the back seat. "I'm gonna make you feel so good." He starts ripping off my clothes.
"Help! Please! Somebody! Blaine!" I try getting away again but Karofsky slams my shoulder into the seat.
"Blaine?! You've been whoring around," He looks at me furiously and pulls my pants down.
"Please stop, let me go... Please."
•
Blaine's POV:
I'm jostled awake by whimpers and screams. I look up at Kurt and sigh. He's had three nightmares this week, but seeing as he's speaking through this one I'm guessing it's the worst. I feel so bad for the boy. He's gone through so much, with the bullies and everything, that they pushed him to stop talking and even start cutting himself.
That was a big surprise to me. I don't see how anyone as strong as Kurt would ever want to hurt himself. I wish I could understand for him, but I don't. All I can do is be a shoulder for him to cry on. He doesn't even believe in how strong he is. Lately, I've been thinking about him more and more often. I've developed a crush for my roommate and I don't think it will leave me anytime soon. Kurt's perfect, in every way. He's so kind and amazing and strong. And his voice is beautiful. It's really a shame that his bullies drove him to stop talking, and if I knew who they are they'd be sorry.
I'm broken out of my thoughts by Kurt, who suddenly yells, "Help! Please! Somebody! Blaine!" His nightmare must be really bad for him to be yelling out in his sleep, especially for me. I quickly get out of bed and rush to his side, trying to wake him without scaring him. "Please, stop, let me go... Please," He whimpers and I'm suddenly curious about what's happening in his nightmare. It doesn't sound like he's just getting beaten up. It sounds... Worse. After a few minutes, I finally wake him up. He looks at me, terrified and quickly moves as far as possible.
"Please don't hurt me..." He whispers. My heart breaks as I look at how frightened and small he looks. He doesn't deserve any of this, the exact opposite actually.
"Kurt, I won't hurt you. You're okay, you're safe." I see him slowly become less scared and he comes back to me, still curling in on himself slightly. "You're safe, Kurt. No one's going to hurt you."
"I-I'm sorry, Blaine," He's digging his nails into his skin, hard enough that soon might draw blood. I take his hand and grasp it, stopping him from hurting himself and giving him comfort through my touch.
"Stop, you're strong. You can get through this without hurting yourself," Kurt looks up at me, questioningly.
"You really think I can?" He asks me, withdrawing his hands.
"I don't think you can, I know you can," I smile and he tries smiling back. "Are you okay to go back to bed? Do you want to talk about it?"
He shakes his head and draws the covers up over himself, turning away from me. I walk over to my bed and say "Goodnight, Kurt," but either he didn't hear me or he's already asleep.
I try getting to sleep once more, but a recurring thought keeps coming to my mind. What was Kurt's nightmare about? Who did he need to get away from? Why did it seem like so much worse than what he told me of his bullying? I try coming up with realistic answers for all of these questions, but the only thing I can believe is that there's something Kurt isn't telling me. And that worries me. A lot.
