Disclaimer: I do not own, only play. These are Stephanie Meyer's characters.
It was so early, the birds weren't even chirping. The sun hadn't risen and the air was still fairly cold.
But the moon was somehow not there; 4 in the morning and you're not sure if it's still night or dawn.
No light shined in through his windows, so when Edward rose from his pillow, the girl lying next to him was more of a silhouette. And because of his, he had forgotten that the hair that was splayed out across her pillow was brown now. So in the darkness, he could at least pretend it was still purple.
He looked over at her, curled on her side not facing him. She didn't stir, didn't snore, but slowly raised her shoulders as her even breathing filled the room.
Edward got up and went to the kitchen.
He drank a glass of water, maybe two, and went to the bathroom to sit down on the closed lid of the toilet seat.
When Edward was 12, he and his parents stayed one summer at his grandparents' house when his house was being remodeled. The fumes from the paint and dust from the wood chips and insulation fabric convinced Carlisle that staying with his folks would be better for the summer.
His grandparents' house was small and stuffy; they didn't have air conditioning. And because there was only one guest bedroom, Edward slept on the pull out couch in the living room. He hadn't had much privacy. The only privacy he could find was in the bathroom.
Now, it had become a sort of habit of Edward's. Though he lived alone, he sometimes found himself sitting on the closed toilet seat of his bathroom to just… think. Silly, he saw it was, yes, but helpful? He wasn't quite sure why but it was just something he had always done since.
Bella scared him.
She scared him in the way she could make him feel. And he didn't like knowing someone else could have control over his feelings. They were his feelings, for Christ's sake.
He hated the idea that something else mattered more than himself. He felt this way about her. It was strange, unusual, and he wasn't comfortable with it. At all. Edward didn't care much for the theatrics of relationships. It wasn't even fun watching drama within his friends' relationships. But lately, shit had been hitting the fan. He was ready to take some of that blame.
His mother's reaction to Bella the night of the dinner was inexcusable. And things hadn't been the same since. Esme played the innocent card, one she mostly played whenever she seemed ill-fit to react properly to anything Edward had done, received, or sacrificed in his life. Point being, Esme wasn't good at lying. If she didn't like someone, she didn't hide it.
Not even for the sake of her own son.
Then the argument about Bella going away after college struck. It was a certain argument that Edward should have been more prepared to handle because it was inevitable. He shouldn't have been so ignorant about it. That, he blamed himself for. But even in the end, when it seemed as though things were slowly worked through, things somehow didn't seem… worked through. Bella wasn't going to stay in Chicago. And he wasn't going to go to L.A. This was fact. Still pursuing the relationship; this was fact as well, but it was more like a fiction novel. It could work out in another universe, with different characters.
Edward was old enough to know long distance relationships didn't work out. Long or short periods of time, they all ended. It was just a matter of when.
And then there was last night.
Edward asked himself that if he really cared about her, he shouldn't have been able to fuck it up. But he did. He always managed to.
Bella had asked him once that if she were to suddenly look 'normal', change her hair color, change her clothes, change... everything, would he still like her? He replied with the most honest answer he could muster.
"What is 'normal' anyway?"
Because that was the question, wasn't it? What was normal? Who was to say Bella's lavender hair and septum piercing and black lipstick wasn't normal? Standard… that was the correct word.
If she had looked more standard….
And truthfully, Edward didn't know.
Edward wasn't lying when he said he loved her brain. He liked her thoughts, her ideas, the intelligent way she spoke at 3 in the morning. Purple hair had nothing to do with it. And though it earned him strange looks on the street, he liked her wild hair and her tattoos and long fingernails. He loved this.
As far as he felt… standard was boring.
But last night, Edward Cullen talked to Mackie Aarons. He talked with her with Bella right there. And no strange looks were given. No fucks were given because… Bella looked standard (Well, Bella could have been wearing a potato sack and still look beautiful so maybe standard was still the wrong term here), Edward thought playfully.
He clasped his fingers together in a knot and looked at the closed door that led to his bedroom.
Was it easier now?
Was being with Bella easier because she looked the way everyone else did? Underneath it all, subconsciously, did he really like this way better because he could finally blend in with the rest of the couples?
Did it even matter?
Edward sat up from the toilet lid and opened the door. He went back to the bedroom and slowly slipped back under the covers. He looked over at Bella again, who had not moved since he left her.
While he was gone, the sun had finally made its break into the sky and shed a little light into the room.
Bella's hair streaked brown. He brushed it back, revealing her feathered wings tattoo.
Standard still wasn't the correct word.
Alice was taking out the small trash can when she saw hair dye residue on some napkins. She saw the discarded box for 'Natural Dark Brown' and it's used contents along with an empty bottle of nail polish remover. Her questioning thoughts lingered as she picked up the box and fingered around carefully in order to not stain her fingers.
Rose walked into the dorm room then and stopped.
"Dying your hair again?" Rose asked, knowing Alice's natural hair color was a much lighter shade of dirty blonde.
"What do you want, Rose?" Alice sighed, uninterested in the girl's response. She tossed the hair dye box back into the trash can and knotted the ends together. She lifted it out of the wired basket and set it near the door.
"Bella here?"
"Nope."
"Alice, you still mad?"
"A sticky note saying 'sorry' doesn't really warm the heart much."
Not fully understanding, Rose just let it go and walked further into the room.
"I'm really am sorry, Alice. I didn't mean it."
"Sure you did. You never say things you don't mean. You're Rose," Alice said spitefully, cleaning out the toss bin underneath her desk as well. It was mostly filled with crumbled up papers and used sticky notes. She tied off the ends of that one too and brought it to the door.
"I'll go with you," Rose said in response to following Alice out the door to take the trash out.
"I'd prefer you didn't." Alice walked out, Rose behind her and locked the door. She headed down the stairs with both sealed bags.
Rose still followed anyway. "Gonna hate me forever?"
"Just stop being a shitty friend, 'kay?"
Rose arched an eyebrow, walking a couple steps behind her friend; it wasn't quite the response she was expecting.
"I said one stupid thing. When did that turn into me being a shitty friend?"
Alice didn't reply until she was outside and dumped the bags into the larger dumpster. Once finished, she turned around and looked Rose straight in the eye; the first time since Rose entered the room 5 minutes prior.
Toe to toe, Alice was about 5 inches shorter.
"It's always about you. 'Rose, Rose, Rose'," Alice mimicked the little sister from The Brady Bunch with the famous line 'Marsha, Marsha, Marsha'. "Every time you or Bella has a problem, I have to hear about it. And when I try to help, I get made fun of."
"Listening to friends' problems is part of the job description, Alice. We're not just names to fill out the contact list on your phone," Rose retorted.
"And the making fun of me part?"
"It happened once, and I said I was sorry!" Becoming flustered, Rose took a deep breath and loudly let it out, watching Alice head back to the main front door.
"See, you can't just walk away when we're having an argument, Alice."
Alice ignored her statement. "No, you make fun of me all the time. Like when I had the problem with my…" she suddenly stopped and looked around, "v-area," Alice finished quietly.
Rose squinted her eyes at her. "You had your pants around your ankles and Bella was almost fingering you. I had a right to ask questions."
Almost in tears, Alice stopped again when at the top of the stairs. She looked down at the blonde haired girl and shook her head slowly. "And you laughed at me." I'm sick and tired of people laughing at me, Alice said silently to herself. She rubbed furiously at one tear that begged to drop down her cheek.
Rose stood at the level below her, again, dropping her arms to her sides in submission. She hooked her thumbs into the back pockets of her jeans and sighed. "I'm sorry, Alice."
Alice just turned and pushed through the door that headed to the 3rd floor. Rose wasn't sure whether to follow.
In the end, Alice almost half expected Rose to walk through her dorm door. And in the end, she didn't.
When Edward woke again, it was to the sound of Bella folding up her evening gown and finding a way to store it neatly in her bag. She looked over at Edward, whose eyes were peeling themselves open, and then she stood up from the bed. The fact that it was the first time they hadn't slept together when she stayed over picked at her; the fact that she woke up with an actual shirt on her back picked at he as well.
"Stay," Edward said, simultaneously yawning. He reached out for her but she only shooed it away.
She fixed her Sex Pistols t-shirt that tangled near her neckline.
"I like your shirt."
"Thank you."
"You know," Edward started, still tired from the lack of sleep he got, "my mother saw them in concert when she was younger. Granted, I think she went to the see the opening act specifically. Couldn't imagine her going to see the Sex Pistols, right? I think it was Blondie she saw."
In that moment, Bella looked down at her shirt slowly and then back at Edward.
"Of course she did."
Edward, thinking he upset her because he brought up his mother, quickly apologized and got up from the bed. He went to her kiss her neck. He hummed into her ear.
"Please stay," he whispered.
It was only slightly tempting, but her feelings had recently changed.
"I can't. I'm sorry."
Edward felt the change too, as he half expected to. He wasn't stupid. He knew he screwed up. Badly.
They kissed at the door multiple times, with interruptions of Edward offering to drive her back himself, and with her saying no.
"I know you're angry about last night," he acknowledged in a quiet voice.
Instead of answering with an 'I'm not' or 'I am', she said nothing.
"I'm finding a way to make it up to you."
With that, it didn't seem like the right answer for her. She twisted the door knob and let herself out. Before letting the door shut on them, she replied.
"You don't have to make it up to me."
And then she left.
On the bus ride home, no one looked at her. As opposed to stares.
Later that night, she got coffee from the small shop on campus. No one looked at her. As opposed to whispered comments.
Sunday morning, Alice chewed her ear off about Bella's sudden change. As opposed to Alice not saying anything to her.
The rest of the week, in her classes, no one looked at her. The professor didn't call on her. As opposed to… nothing. Because the professor never called on her.
But Bella blended in with everyone else.
And somehow, she felt that she'd rather stick out like a sore thumb than be compared and unrecognizable to any person on that campus. A prison of standardly fitting in.
Meanwhile, a guy from her Screenwriting class hit on her.
He thought she was someone else.
She said she was the girl with the purple hair and piercings.
He smiled but thought to himself quietly about how septum piercings on girls were gross.
He asked her out but she said she had a boyfriend.
He said that the guy must be lucky.
Bella didn't agree. She didn't say anything.
She walked away.
A couple of Bella's classes were canceled on a Friday the following week. In a rash decision, she decided to take a break and spend the long weekend back at home.
Edward called her cellphone that Saturday but couldn't reach her. So he called Rose's phone, knowing he was being persistent but couldn't help feeling worried.
"She's home, Edward," Rose told him.
Relieved, though not surprised she didn't tell him, he thanked Rose and hung up.
He left her alone, seeing that if she wanted to talk, she would call him. And she did, that Sunday morning.
Edward was out getting a bagel and coffee from the deli down the street from his apartment when his cell phone rang. Her name shining on his phone electrified his fingers as he touched the screen to answer.
"Glad you called," he said.
"Hi, Edward," Bella replied.
Edward shifted shoulders in order to pay the man at the counter.
"Heard you went home."
"I did."
He paused, realizing she was keeping her replies short. "How's everything?"
"Good. Kind of missed home."
Edward sighed. "Good. And your parents? Are they… good?"
At home, Bella rolled onto her side in bed. She sandwiched her phone between her cheek and pillow, curling her arms around it. "The love my hair."
Edward didn't know if she was being serious or not and if that warranted a laugh or not, so he safely chose not to. He just replied with Good and continued on his way back to his apartment.
There was a pause on the phone; Bella's slow breathing notifying she was still on the line.
"I miss you. And I'm sorry," Edward said quietly.
Bella clutched her pillow tighter. "I miss you too. And I know."
Edward stopped outside his door step. He stood there, looking down at his casual wear; button down and slacks. The coffee in his hand, bagel bag in the other along with his phone. He stood there, staring at his door but not feeling the want to go inside.
A woman brushed passed him to head into the building. He sighed and sat down on the steps.
"I think I need some time," Bella's voice said quietly into his ear.
He made out the reality of her words and processed them for what they were. Break-up words.
"I understand."
"Okay."
He swallowed hard. "How much time?
"I graduate in a month. Give me till then."
It was too long for him. "I haven't seen you in weeks." And the fact that she would probably be heading out to L.A. sometime after graduation, he despised the idea of the only time he had left to see her would be the time they would spend apart.
On her bed, Bella sat up. She masked her tears by wiping them away completely and brushed back her hair. It felt strange seeing brown strands fall back in her face. But it made her remember.
"Give me till then, Edward."
He agreed, but his voice was strained and hurt. She could hear this through the phone.
"You could have accepted it, you know. You could have."
Edward breathed uneasily into the phone. "Of course I accepted it, Bella."
"We wouldn't be having this discussion if you did."
Disgruntled, Edward set his coffee and forgotten bagel bag on the steps. "I didn't ask you to change anything about yourself."
"But you did."
Sitting on the steps made Edward's back go numb. His coffee went cold, his bagel went stale, and his mouth went dry. His fingers cupped his forehead, sighing heavily into the phone.
"That's not fair to say that."
Bella didn't answer back. And after the silence became too strong, Bella made an excuse to hang up. When she finally said goodbye, it was met with Edward's sullen departure.
"I'll be waiting for you in Chicago."
She didn't know how long that invitation would last, but mostly she thought it would extend till after graduation. And even then on.
Bella never asked for Rose's opinion and Rose never openly gave it. About any of it. About Bella's new sense of jeans-and-t-shirt attire or about Edward, or even about Alice. And though they still hung out frequently, it was never with Alice and it was never with free conversation.
Rose selected what she wanted to say and so would Bella. The strain for appropriate words to say was almost too difficult because all Rose really wanted to talk about was why. And because Bella never wanted to go into strong detail as to why, they slowly drifted off into their own things for a while.
Word hadn't gotten around about Rose's kiss with Leah. It wouldn't have mattered anyway; it was a large campus and no one gave a shit about those things, if speaking as a whole. In terms of Leah's group of friends and Rose's group of friends, no, word had not gotten out. But Leah was avoiding her too, non-conspicuously of course. It wasn't in Leah's nature to be mean.
"Sorry, had an early dinner. Working all night on presentation."
"Sorry, going into the city with some friends."
"Sorry, not feeling well."
"Sorry, can't today."
"Sorry."
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Rose had grazed over the name Emmett in her contact list too but always chose the wiser decision to not call him. If anything were to screw things up more than they already were, Emmett was surely not going to mix into it well. And it was a really a terrible thing when one couldn't hang out with someone anymore, just as friends, because they were afraid to lead the other person on.
But Emmett wasn't some anti-feminist dog; he would realize. He would say it's fine. That he understands. That she really likes hanging out with him, as friends. But Rose, knowing he was actually a really good guy, would know he would be hurt because feelings are feelings. And they didn't just go away. And she didn't want to put him in that position of warranting off his feelings so soon.
Rose eventually made it back to Bella's room one day. Alice wasn't there. Rose stared at Alice's bed from Bella's bed as both the girls sat on top of it.
Things were just a mess. Each of them having their own part in it.
"Have you talked with Alice about it? Did she say why she's still not talking to me?"
Bella looked up from her notebook, her skin washed out from no makeup. It was still hard for Rose to get used to the new style.
"I don't know; not really. She's just upset, that's all. I'd say give it time."
Rose didn't like that answer. "I don't have time to give her. We're graduating soon; and then things would really be left on a bad note."
Already tired of the discussion, Bella sat up straighter and huffed. "You two were never that great of friends; does it really matter that things end on a bad note? Were you two planning on keeping in contact after graduation anyway?" she rattled off the words tastelessly.
Wide eyed, Rose craned backwards. "Alright Cranky, it was just a question. If you want to be left alone, I'll go." And with that, Rose slid down from the bed.
Bella didn't say anything, but a sigh from the top of the bed filled the air. Rose headed for the door anyway.
"I'm sorry," Bella chanted from her bed.
"You know," Rose turned from the front door, "I've been hearing that a lot. And I'm tired of it. So…" and then she left, closing the door loudly behind her.
More sighs were let out when Bella held the phone to her ear, waiting for the other line to pick up.
"She left. Feel free to come back—"
Alice interrupted. "Yeah Bella, can you do me a favor? Can you pick me up from the police station off of Drexel Ave?"
"Alice, are you crazy?"
"No. Maybe a little."
"I have to call your parents!"
"No! Please don't tell them."
"They'll find out eventually."
"I know… just, please don't. For now."
"Alice… I don't have enough to bail you out…." Bella was so nervous, she almost threw up.
So while turning away, she walked off to the side and called a number she hadn't called in weeks.
And it only rang once before the someone picked up.
"Hi. Um, I know we haven't spoken in a while and I'm sorry for calling like this but is it possible to come to the police station off of Drexel Ave? I need you."
Thank you for the amazing response these last few weeks! You guys are great!
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