Weeks pass without anymore kisses, and we don't talk much about what happened. It was as if we cleared the air and now we have time and space to go as slow as we want. As much as I want Peeta to be more than a friend right now, and I'm starting to accept that he feels the same, I appreciate that we aren't rushing into anything. We are both very broken and I think our concern for the others health and mental stability supersedes our desires. I'm not convinced we are even capable of having a semi-normal relationship. How do you have a real relationship after your fake one, and only one was on show for all of Panem?
The memory book, although it is helping us sort out our grief and guilt, is also very taxing. We have finished most of the tributes we killed, and have moved on to Peeta's family, per his request. We have spent the past four nights starting a memory or a sketch, and ending in Peeta either crying, getting angry-a side effect of the hijacking, or even full on having an episode.
None of the episodes have been as bad as the night we kissed. I asked Peeta if it was my fault that that one was so bad, for how I had been acting, but he didn't respond so I know that I'm right. I still don't think that peeta will hurt me. Even that day, he had much more control than I had ever seen. But, it doesn't prevent our nights in ending in me holding Peeta, trying to give him comfort and the illusion of security. It took me a full week to get through Finnick's page, and judging how Peeta is reacting, I don't think I'll ever be able to add Prim. Maybe I should just ask him to make a painting of her to keep in my room.
Tonight, however, we decide to take a break from his family, and add some memories of ones we have already added but have remembered more after. I sit on the floor and Peeta sits in the couch. He is wearing worn pants with holes in the knees, a white short-sleeved cotton shirt, and no shoes or socks. He is resting his ankle on his other knee and draws on the notebook that is draped across his lap. His blonde hair is starting to grow longer and I can't help but stare at it sometimes, resisting the urge to run my fingers through the soft waves. He works diligently with his head bowed down parallel to the paper. Gale often looked this way when we hunted in whatever clothes we had, with longer hair sometimes before he worked in the mines, but I never really noticed it and Peeta right now is the image of perfection. His shoulders, arms, and chest are filling out not only from the hard labor he does here and there in town, helping the clean-up crews, but also from growing into a man. The white shirt he is wearing is obviously one he's had for a while because the chest and arms fit tight, used to the body of a boy and not one of a man.
"Katniss, what?" I snap out my daze and try to act like I'm writing something down, hoping he won't ask anything else.
"Katniss. You've been staring at me all night. What is it?" He won't leave it alone. I huff and set my things aside. I decide that I should just learn to say what I'm thinking. At least to Peeta. I look him in the eye and try to figure out how to start.
"I... was just thinking." I try to start, but the words hang in the air.
"You were just thinking..." Peeta encourages.
"I like... how you look." I say. Peeta bites his lower lip and starts to smile.
"I like how you look too. A lot." He says in his deep silky voice. I grin and feel embarrassed so I try to focus on my notes, but just end up staring at my paper for about 30 minutes and thinking about Peeta before we part for the night.
The nights are getting warmer, and I start sleeping with my windows open. I haven't had any major night terrors recently, because of the book forcing me to face all of my memories which prevents them from haunting me at night as strongly. Until one night when they all seem to catch up with me at once.
Prim is pleading with me to help her as she slowly burns. Her skin melting off of her bones and voice gurgling from her own boiling blood. I watch finnick get ripped apart by the mutts slowly. His screams are punctuated with my name on his tongue before it is ripped out of his head. In the distance, I hear a faint sound of wailing. The sound gets closer as my dead sister and friend lay as a puddle of blood and ash.
When I start to come back to reality I feel my throat burn and I hear my own voice making the wailing. I feel a gentle shake and squeeze and hear Peeta whisper my name. When I open my eyes, I see him sitting on the edge of my bed. I stare at him for a moment, and then I start to sob uncontrollably. Peeta crawls in my bed with me and holds me to his chest. I bunch his shirt in my hands desperately trying to hold on to something. I sob for an unknown amount of time until I feel vacant and numb. Peeta doesn't ask, he just knows, and he stays with me that night. I eventually fall asleep on his chest like I did so long ago.
When I wake, peeta is still holding me. His shirt is wet from where I cried in my sleep. He must feel me stir, because he starts to blink and turns and kisses the top of my head. In the growing morning light, I become aware of all the things I wasn't able to notice last night in my sorrow. My nightgown bunched up high at my waist from my thrashing which is exposing my underwear. On top on that, my leg is stretched across Peeta in a provocative way. I lift up the covers to confirm my assumption and press them back down on top of us quickly hoping peeta didn't see.
Peeta starts a low rumble laugh in his chest and I start tucking my leg back in place and pulling my nightgown back down.
"It's not funny." I say forcefully, which makes Peeta laugh more.
"This was a nice surprise for me this morning." He flirts and then gets serious. "But your night was not funny. I'm sorry katniss, do you want to talk about what you dreamed?"
"No. There's nothing to say. I just want to try and forget it. Among other things this morning." I get up out of bed and announce that I'm taking a shower. When Peeta stays in my bed as I walk around, I grow annoyed.
"Are you just going to lay in bed?" I snap.
"I, uh , just need a minute. To... calm down." He says amused.
I scoff in response. But, I can't help the pleasure I feel from knowing I have that effect on Peeta. I can't understand what he finds about me that is nice, especially with my burn scars, but it makes me happy anyway.
"I can get up if you want." He says playfully as he sits up and throws the covers back. Once he swings his legs to the side and stands up, I see it. His erection is straining against his pajama pants. I gasp and duck into the bathroom closing the door. I hear Peeta laughing on the other side.
"Katniss. You really are pure." He teases. This is Peeta's way of finding his old self while also trying to keep me out of my depression that's he's become accustomed to knowing when I'm on the verge. Both are working. He's becoming more and more like the old Peeta and he is the only one that can take me out if my thoughts. I never had a chance to know Peeta too closely before we were reaped, but in fleeting moments that weren't under intense stress, I could see his playfulness in the way he laughed with his friends before our games.
I toss off my nightgown and jump into the shower before I can get any more flustered. I take a long shower trying to think of anything else other than the size of Peetas hardness in his pajama pants. Can that actually fit inside me? It will most definitely be painful. However, I can't stop imagining what it would feel like so I eventually just have to just shut off the water and find something else to distract me.
Its a good day to hunt, so I dress for it. Its late spring and the warmth has brought forth new life in plants and animals. I climb a tree and I watch the dandelions in the grass sway with the wind. Peeta. He consumes my thoughts now ever since I decided to live for Prim. To let myself live and feel again, or maybe for the first time since my father died. Peeta brings it out in me. Fate brought me the one person who can give me comfort and hope.
I didn't set any traps the day before, so I shoot squirrels from the tree I'm in. Then, I climb down the tree and stalk around for some big game. I find myself moving towards the lake, so I walk the rest of the way there. When I get there, the lake looks exactly how it should in late spring. I tuck in my game bag and bow and arrows and strip my clothing off. Its about midday so its starting to get hot. I slip into the cool water and float on my back for a long time watching the clouds flow and the birds fly past. I keep getting flashes of my dream, but the beautiful day wards them off. I'm also getting used to these dreams, these disturbing flashes of the very real gruesome deaths of my loved ones that are becoming a normal and expected part of every day.
I finally swim to the edge and wade out of the lake. I find some katniss plants, so I dig them up. Since I'm here, I also decide to fish and manage to catch a few big ones for supper tonight. Feeling satisfied, I put my clothes back on, re-braid my hair, and clean my kills. I take the long way around the town through the woods to avoid actually having to go into town and be gawked at. I crawl under an opening in the fence when I get close to Greasy Sae's and jog behind houses as much as I can until I am able to pass off the squirrels to her. I decide to keep the katniss roots and the fish for Peeta and I. I duck back into the woods and take the long way around to get back home for the same reasons.
When I finally get through the Victors Village gate, the sun is getting lower in the sky and casting long shadows. I turn towards Peeta's house and walk in without knocking. When I get inside, everything is off and the house is silent. I stand there for a few minutes listening for any small sound the would indicate Peeta being here, but nothing happens. I walk back out of his house and over to Haymichs. I start to think about when I lost Peeta during the quell and I feel my adrenaline spike and my heart rate pick up. I burst through Haymich's door and barge in to the living room where I find him passed out on the couch.
"Haymich!" I yell. No response. I walk to the kitchen, fill a large dirty pot full of water, walk back to the couch, stand a safe distance away, and toss the water onto Haymichs head. He starts and spurts and the knife in his hand thrusts up in my direction. I flip the pot over and use the copper bottom to knock it out of his hand. Haymich yells and jumps off the couch. He blinks at me and growls.
"Of course! You know, maybe it's things like this that make people not like you so much, have you thought of that, Sweetheart?"
"I don't want people to like me. Peeta is not in his house." I say evenly.
"If it weren't for the boy, you would have died in your first games. He knows how to be likeable. You would have never gotten any sponsors and never gotten FOOD, or MEDICINE." He punctuates this last words by saying them slowly like you would to someone who is hard-of-understanding.
"Where is Peeta?" I ask again. I just want to find him. My anxiety is rising and Haymich's disregard for my question is making it worse.
"'Course, the boy wouldn't have made it either, but that's beside the point. I still can't believe he turned that hijacking around as much as he did. You know, you could really learn a thing or two from him about..."
"WHERE IS PEETA!?" I yell and throw the pot I'm holding at Haymich's head. He deflects the pot right before it hits him and it crashes into the wall with an enormous sound as it then falls to the floor.
"Katniss?" I whip around to see Peeta standing in the doorway covered in dust and dirt and sweat, wiping it off of his face with a rag. He was working in town with the cleaning crews.
"I was walking back and Haymich's door was open. Did something happen?" He says as he walks in toward me sizing up Haymich, myself, and our situation .
"Come get your dog off me! She came in here screaming about not knowing where you were. Listen, sweetheart, I know you're not all right up there," he taps his head, "but you need to get it together and get the hell out of my house!"
Before I have a chance to lunge at Haymich, I feel Peetas hand on my shoulder. I turn to him and he touches my cheek.
"What happened?" He asks gently.
"I came back from the woods," I begin after a breath, "and you weren't in your house. Then, I started thinking about the quell when I lost you and I ran here. Haymich just babbled about how we would have died in the games and didn't answer my questions," Peeta throws a pointed look in Haymich's direction and Haymich shrugs angrily.
"So I threw a pot at him." I say. Peeta turns his pointed look to me.
"But it didn't hit him! He deflected it before it hit his head! He should have just answered my question!"
"OUT! NOW!" Haymich yells. Peeta guides me out of Haymichs house and Haymich slams the door behind us. I break from Peeta and run into my house and close the door hoping on some miracle that Peeta won't follow. But, of course he does.
I sit against the wall in the foyer and try to blink back tears while taking off my boots and setting down my bow and arrows. Peeta leans against the back of the front door and just watches me. By the time I get to my game bag, the tears start rolling and infuriatingly I can't hide it anymore. Not that I believe I was able to hide my emotions from Peeta anyway.
Peeta walks over to me, takes my game bag and sets it down. He turns me around and folds me into his chest and wraps his arms around me.
"I didn't know what to think. I just kept thinking about the quell." I sob. Peeta shushes me and rubs small circles on my back.
"I know. It's alright, I'm here." He peels me back and holds my face in front of his. He lowers his head and and his eyes meet mine. The dirt and dust from working in town makes his blue eyes look like pools of water so blue you could sink down into them.
This time, I can't stand it anymore and I lean up and kiss him. He hums in satisfaction when our lips meet and I reach my arms up around his neck. He circles one of his arms around my lower back and presses me closer. I break away and sniffle and he kisses my tears away on my cheeks.
"I'm sorry I scared you. We worked later than normal today. Would it help if I tell you my plans for the day from now on?" He asks, still in our embrace. I release a breath and lay my head against his strong chest.
"Maybe. Yes." I say. Sucking in bursts of air from sobbing earlier. I've done more crying in the past couple months than I have in my whole life combined. Who am I now? What am I becoming?
"Then it's settled." I pull back just enough to stay in our embrace but see his face. He smiles a good Peeta smile at me and I can't help but give a small smile for the ridiculousness of the situation.
"No more confusion. Did you have a good day?"
I break away from peeta and we walk to the kitchen where I take out the fish and katniss roots from my game bag. Peeta smiles when he sees the katniss.
"This is good, katniss. I'll take these home, take a shower, and start preparing this for supper." He gathers up the contents, and starts walking to the door.
"Just come over whenever you're ready and we'll eat at my house."
"OK." I say with a small voice.
After he leaves, I shower and dress in clean clothes. Greasy Sae only comes once a week now and insists on doing my laundry. Says its payment for what I bring her from the woods since I won't accept her money. It makes me uncomfortable, but I accept because I was never good at laundry. That was something that Prim liked to take care of.
I toss buttercup some scraps from the breakfast that Peeta and I ate briefly this morning and walk to Peetas house. When I walk in, his house is full of the life I was expecting earlier. Lights are on and there are the clanging and hissing sounds of Peeta cooking in the kitchen. I tiptoe inside and watch Peeta cook from the archway to the kitchen.
He's wearing another white shirt and clean pants with his bakers apron tied around his neck and waist. His hair is wet from his shower and makes semi-ringlets on the ends. I watch as he skillfully pours, mixes, and sprinkles. He starts to turn around to grab something and catches sight of me. He startles and nearly drops the seasoning that he's holding.
"Katniss!"
I smile and walk to him, but instead of embracing me, he grips the counter and takes deep breaths. Then it hits me how stupid I was for sneaking up on him.
"Peeta! I'm so sorry!" I lift his face and I look into his eyes of which the pupils contract once slightly.
"Oh no, Peeta."
"It's alright you just startled me." I dip under his arms and get in between him and the counter. Then I hug him to me as hard as I can. Peeta continues to take deep breaths for a moment and then wraps his arms around me.
"I'm so so sorry." I say again.
"Katniss, it's fine. Really. I like that you were trying to play. I can react like this to a lot of things. It will get better, don't worry."
With that he squeezes my arm and goes back to cooking. He looks back at me and pats the countertop that he isn't using. I hop up on it to sit and watch him cook. Peeta starts talking about his day working in town. I listen and realize that I have no clue what's happening in town anymore. This district and these people used to mean everything to me, but now I feel like a stranger. Most of the people that live here now are new, anyway.
"Peeta, when you are working in town do you ever get harassed or gawked at?"
"Not really. I don't think I look like the capitol version of myself enough that most people would recognize me when I'm shoveling ash and brick. Anyone else that knows its me already knew me before. Only the guys on the crew know of my condition in case I have an episode. But, I do get the occasional odd look from someone passing by like they can't place me." Peeta smiles. "You're a lot more recognizable, katniss," he says knowingly. "Here, taste this."
He holds out a liquid that I assume is to go with the fish. It tastes fruity.
"That's good." I say. Peeta nods and keeps cooking. I slide off the counter and start setting the table. When peeta is done cooking, we eat and the food is delicious. I think it's remarkable that Peeta can make such incredible meals even out of the things I find in the woods that day. I'm done first so I take my plate and the empty serving dishes to the sink and start washing. I hear Peeta get up a moment later and he places his plate in the sink in front of me.
Instead of taking his usual place beside me to dry the dishes I feel him stand behind me so close I can feel his breath lightly moving the hair on the back of my head. Suddenly, I feel his finger lightly on the back of my neck and I stop washing and hold my breath. Peeta traces his finger slowly down my spine and stops right before my bottom. I shiver visibly and Peeta makes a sound low humming in his throat. He takes a step to the side and I turn my head to see his face.
He has his head down looking at my lower back but lifts only his eyes to meet mine. He slowly tips his head up and gives me a intense but soft smile that makes my heart speed up. Then, like nothing ever happened, he walks to the place beside me and starts drying the dishes. I go back to the task of washing the dishes, but find I'm now thoroughly distracted. I don't know what that was exactly, but I know down to the center of my being that I've never been touched that way before, no matter how simple it was.
And I liked it.
After supper, we work on the book until late. I see Peeta yawn often, but he never says it's time for bed. I don't either and I know it's because we aren't sure if we should sleep separately or together after last night. After a few quiet moments, Peeta sighs.
"Katniss, I'm tired. You must be too." I nod at him, anxious to hear what he decided. I made up my mind before that I would let Peeta in as much as he wanted, and if he wanted to go, I would let him do that too.
"Stay with me?" He asks, eyes full of vulnerability.
I believe the edges of my mouth must have reached my ears for the smile I gave him in that moment.
"Always," I say.
From that day forward Peeta and I sleep in the same bed. In the span of about 2 weeks, we got into a pattern of sleeping at his house, because that's where we had supper. I only went home to change, shower, and feed buttercup. That stupid cat sleeps outside Prim's door, refusing to give up hope. Seeing that makes me want to crawl in a closet and stay there, so I throw some scraps In a bowl a dive out of the house. As much as I hate that cat, he was Prim's cat and I can't let him die too.
When I wake up from a nightmare, Peeta will comfort me with his kisses. When Peeta has a flashback, I kiss him back to me. Our kisses are short, light, sweet, and bring comfort and reassurance. Kissing during the games was for survival, and it still is. But, now I'm not doing it to convince anyone, I'm doing it because I need Peeta's lips on mine. And he seems to need mine too.
The spring faded into summer and now the days are getting hot. On the first night where the night was hot, not even Peeta's window being open helped it. We were miserable. We both lay in our own sweat through our pajamas. Peeta in his shirt and pajama pants, and me in my long cotton nightgown. I haven't allowed myself to wear any of the short ones for fear it would ride up again. Peeta tossed and turned and flopped around trying to find a position that made him cool enough to go to sleep, but none existed. After a few hours, he shot up in bed and turned to me.
"Katniss I'm sorry, but I have to take care of this heat."
Without waiting for a response, he crawls over me and slides off the bed. First, he reaches behind his head, grabs the back of his collar and pulls his shirt off. I smile to myself thinking maybe this heat isn't that bad. For the first time, I see through the slivers of moonlight that bounce off of Peeta's skin how Peeta has changed. He had muscles before from training, but with his broadening shoulders and the consistent hard labor, he is the definition of masculine attractiveness. Then, In the darkness of the night, I just barely see Peeta's silhouette grab the waist of his pajama pants and pull them down where they puddle on the floor.
"Peeta!"
"Katniss, come on. You've seen me like this before," he says as he kicks off the pants with his good leg standing in only his boxers.
"Seen, not felt! In bed!"
"Katniss. It's too hot and we need to get past this. We've been through enough not to have to suffer through a sleepless night because of the heat. We already have nightmares." He's right. We have been through enough. I've just never been so intimate with just a thin barrier between us before, but I do need to get through this. Its way too hot.
"You're right Peeta." Who am I to make him suffer all night.
"I know I am. Now, you too."
I gasp and fully shake my head no in response. Reveal my ugly burn scars to Peeta willingly? No, thank you.
"Katniss, I'm sweating just looking at you in that huge thing. You have to be hot in there."
"I'm fine." I say firmly. I am OK if Peeta wants to sleep in his underwear, but I can't do that. He looks at me for a minute and finally shrugs.
"Suit yourself." he says and crawls back in bed. He sighs happily when he settles himself in the bed comfortably.
"Feel better?" I ask.
"Definitely." He answers without hesitation.
I let about a half hour pass before the inside of my gown is wet with sweat. I can bear it until it reminds me of the hot, wet air in the quell. Then I can't shake the memories and I feel like I'm suffocating. I sigh loudly and swing off of the bed in one movement. Peeta, who was dozing, stirs awake and props himself up on his elbow. I stand in the middle of the bedroom for a moment unsure what to do. I want to get this wet gown off, but I don't have a top on underneath to replace it. But, as always, its as if Peeta can read my thoughts.
"Bottom left drawer," is all he says. I shoot him a look that he pretends not to see and I pad over to his dresser and ruffle through the drawer. In it I find some things that look like baby clothes to clothes for a older kid. Finally, I pull out a white undershirt without sleeves that was obviously his when he was young. It will just barely fit me. I slip into the bathroom and duck behind the wall without closing the door. I fling off my nightgown and pour myself into Peetas old tank top. I stare at myself in the mirror for a while. The tank top only goes to just past my belly button and leaves nothing to the imagination. My underwear is all I have on below. I start to doubt myself and consider putting my nightgown back on when I hear Peeta call me from the bed. I tell myself that it's not a big deal, it's just peeta and it is unbearably hot, and march out of the bathroom without letting myself think about it more.
When I clear the bathroom and start walking to the bed Peeta's eyes nearly pop out of his head and his mouth hangs open. I take a deep breath and focus on the moon outside the window until I get to the bed. I toss back the single blanket we have right now, slip into the bed and cover myself with the blanket up to my neck. Peeta keeps staring at me.
"Well!?" I half yell at him. Peeta blinks and closes his mouth. He lies back and opens his arms to me. I relax and scoot next to him and lay my head down in its usual spot on his now bare chest. There are blonde hairs growing from his chest that I've never noticed before. I run my fingers along them and the expanse of his skin. I take a deep breath and inhale his scent directly off his skin.
"You have no idea how many times I imagined you in just your underwear walking towards me like that." He whispers into the top of my head. I feel my face heat up. I don't know how to respond to Peeta when he says things like that.
"You're beautiful, Katniss." He says and slowly drifts off to sleep.
When I start to wake in the morning I'm consumed by the intense feeling of security and warmth. As I come to, I realize I'm on my stomach and Peeta is laying on half of me. His arm is wrapped around my shoulders, tightly holding me to him. His torso and legs are also pinning me. This makes me think of Peetas wrestling days. Then I feel it. The pulsing from Peeta's hardness below that is becoming a more common occurrence. However, this time our position has landed Peetas rapidly growing area close to my own sensitive parts. I freeze and try to think. Peeta is getting harder by the second and I feel the heat radiating off of him.
Within a few more seconds it rests lightly against my underwear between my legs. I hold my breath. Should I wake Peeta? Do I want to wake Peeta? Slowly he moves, unconsciously thrusting forward and poking me. I gasp and jerk in surprise and Peeta starts. When he feels and sees how we are he frantically tries to move away and tuck himself in.
"Katniss!" Peeta looks at me in shock. "I... what happened? I'm so sorry! Are you OK? Did I do something...?" Peeta stumbles.
The look on Peetas face, plus his confusion and worry is all it takes for me to start chuckling. Peeta looks on completely perplexed with his hair a mess still from sleep which makes me laugh harder. Eventually, Peeta starts chuckling too mostly at my laughing fit. When I start to control myself again, Peeta looks at me like a worried child waiting for his punishment.
"Katniss. Are you mad at me? I never meant to do anything, I promise."
"I know that. It's OK Peeta. Besides, its not like your... parts doing that is anything new to me. You usually wake up in that condition." Peeta's mouth drops open and I take this rare opportunity to be in the other end of this situation. I wink at him and crawl out of bed and saunter into the bathroom to shower. When I meet him downstairs for breakfast, Peeta looks sheepish. I know he wants to talk about it.
I decide to act like nothing happened. Mostly because I like having the upper hand and I don't want to talk about it. But, as usual, Peeta's need to talk so openly about everything is an unstoppable force.
"Katniss, are you sure you're alright? I'd never forgive myself if I made you upset from something like that."
I sigh. He looks so worried. "Peeta, its fine really. I didn't mind."
Did I just say I didn't mind? Is that true? Peeta looks at me curiously and then a slow smile creeps over his face. Oh no.
I brace myself for Peeta's next question, but it never comes. We sit in silence, eating pancakes that he just learned to make, stealing glances from each other. Mine, hoping against all odds that Peeta doesn't see through what I just said. Peeta, looking at me like he knows exactly what I just said. How is it that he can know what I'm feeling before I do.
I spend extra time in the woods to pull my thoughts together. Obviously, Peeta and I are becoming more intimate with each other. I never really thought about sex before now, other than not wanting to have anything to do with it. Sex meant babies and stupidity to me. But now, with Peeta with me every night, I see how it could happen. I'm not sure if we are even capable, but it's possible.
I decide to start taking the pills that Dr. Aurelius sent with the last shipment of paper and supplies for our memory book. They are supposed to make me unable to get pregnant. I only talk to the doctor occasionally, and that seems to suit us both fine. Peeta talks to him much more frequently so they can monitor his episodes. I assume that Peeta told him about our sleeping arrangement which is why we got the pills. When we opened the box, we looked at the pills curiously and he read the note that came with them out loud. Peeta turned red and I tossed the pills into a drawer and slammed it shut, seeing them as irrelevant. Peeta just stared at me.
That was about a month ago. Now its time to be realistic and cautious. I will never have children. I can't even take care of myself anymore and I couldn't save my sister, the only one I tried endlessly to protect. I let Peeta slip away and he got kidnapped. On top of that, what if they do bring back the games? I'm sure the victors' children will play a leading role in that. There are too many risks. It is out of the question.
In the distance, I see big powerful clouds rolling this way. The wind is picking up and the temperature is starting to drop. After another hour, the sunlight is starting to turn a shady sort of grey and I can smell rain. I quickly check the traps I set and find three rabbits and two squirrels. I also manage to shoot a turkey which I can't wait to get home to Peeta.
By the time I get to Greasy Sae's, the sky is overcast and the dark clouds are on the horizon. I pass the rabbits and squirrels to her and step back outside. If I go back into the woods the long way, I will most likely get caught in the rain. I scan the street and notice that it isn't as busy as normal. People must be getting inside to wait out the storm. With that, I set my chin and decide to go through town.
As I walk through, the few people out stare, but don't say anything. Some I think I remember from Thirteen, but most are obviously from other districts. I don't see many people that are District Twelve. As I get closer to one part of the merchant area I hear hammers and turn on my heel to see if Peeta is there. When I get to the site, I see him immediately. He is standing by a pile of brick and cement and picking them up and dumping them in a wheelbarrow. The big ones he can't lift, he lifts a sledgehammer and breaks it. His shirt is soaked from sweat and his golden hair is falling in waves and curls from the work and sweat. I can plainly see all of the muscles in his back and arms from his wet shirt that clings to his skin. His body tapers down to his small waist where he has a tool belt hanging on his hips.
I don't know how long I gaze at him, but it must be long enough for a few of the people on the street to stop and watch me. Peeta finally turns and catches sight of me. He instantly grins and waves. I hold up my game bag.
"I got a turkey!" I yell up to him. He drops the rubble he's holding and jumps over piles of brick to come my way. When he gets to me he kisses me on the cheek, I hear a gasp behind me and notice a larger crowd is forming. I look back at Peeta and he smiles at me.
"Well, I guess now my cover is blown." He peeks in my game bag and nods in approval.
"I have a recipe for turkey baked with a honey glaze that I've been waiting to try," he says.
I glance up to the sky. "Its going rain soon."
"Yeah, I just have a few more minutes and then we are packing it up for the day." He says looking up, judging the clouds. I nod and look around nervously at the people staring again. It isn't many, but it's enough to make me uncomfortable. I even see Peeta's jaw tighten for a second.
"I better go," I whisper to him. He gives me an apologetic look and leans in and kisses me on the cheek again. That's when out of the corner of my eye I see a man jump out with a camera and start snapping pictures of us. As a reflex, I set an arrow and point it at the guy's head. The small crowd parts away from him and he drops the camera to dangle from its strap slung around his shoulder and holds up his hands terrified.
"Who are you! Why are you here!" I yell at him.
"I... I work for the Panem newspaper!" He stammers and waits for my response like I'm supposed to know what that means, but when I keep my bow locked, he realizes he has to explain.
"I'm here just to write about the progress of the district." He says nervously.
"We are not part of your story." I say evenly. Then, I feel Peetas hand slip and hold me around my waist from behind me.
"Katniss." He whispers softly in my ear. I turn my head and look at him. His eyes are full of security telling me that everything is alright. The man with the camera takes this opportunity and runs away as fast as he can. The small crowd dissipates, probably scared I'll run them down with my bow and arrows too. I am a crazy president-killer after all.
"Well, Katniss, I think you took care of that problem." He chuckles. I look over his shoulder and see some of the crew standing watching us. Thom clears His throat.
"Mellark, why don't you just call it a day. We are going to pack up before this rain comes and you've already cleaned up your area anyway."
Peeta nods and thanks Thom and we set off together back up to victors village. There are a few people out, but now they try to disguise the fact that they are staring at us, most likely having seen or already heard about my little outburst. I decide that that isn't as bad as the blatant gawking and crowding, so maybe I just need to keep threatening people from time to time. That seems manageable enough.
By the time we get to Victors Village, fat drops begin to fall from the sky. Peeta and I sigh from the coolness of the rain. I start to point my feet towards my house, but Peeta pulls on my hand towards his.
"The storm might get worse and I want to get that bird started," He says matter-of-factly. I nod and allow myself to be pulled. Once we get inside, Peeta jumps in the shower while I clean my kill and prepare it for supper. I am not good at cooking or especially baking, but I am good at this.
He's back in 10 minutes and takes over. His hair wet and I can smell the sweet smell of soap from his hair and skin. I walk closer to him trying to get a better smell, and he smiles at me sweetly. Suddenly, lightning crashes and makes us both grip anything that's close to us. Lighting always makes us think of the quell. I look to Peeta and the muscles in his strong jaw are churning.
"Go jump in the shower, the storm should be over soon," he says without emotion and turns his back to me to finish preparing the turkey. I know this part of Peeta. He's consumed by his mind, desperately trying to stay afloat in his ocean of shiny and dull memories, deafened by the roar of angry and sad emotions he tries to not hear. It makes him void, exhausted, and-most hurtful of all-not mine.
I know this is a part of him that I will never own. Snow owns this piece of him that I can never buy back. Its punishment for leaving him in the arena that night. Punishment for not protecting him enough. I try hard not to be angry with Peeta, try not to be selfish. Truly, I deserve this. I never gave Peeta any reassurance in our relationship (whatever it was) and he gave me everything he had. But it's in those moments when Peeta turns his back to me, tells me to go, and drowns in a world I caused is when I feel the most alone.
