The beginning of each nightmare was always different.
Sometimes it started out the way it happened- Dean walking to his car, and getting jumped from behind. Other times, Dean would be at a gas station, like any normal day in the life, or doing a job outdoors for someone before he was attacked.
There were scenarios that didn't even make sense- Dean falling asleep in a motel bed, and then waking up handcuffed to a different one. He would be in a store, or driving, or talking to some chick at a bar, or pulled over in the parking lot of a fast food joint enjoying lunch. It didn't matter how the dreams started, they always ended up in the same place: Dean face down on a mattress, restrained and terrified as some figure hovered just out of his line of vision.
None of the dreams had Castiel, because he never got there in time. In these nightly hells, Dean got to experience what would happen if no one was there to save him.
Dean gripped the pillow hard to stop his hands from shaking. He wanted to scream, he wanted to cry, he wanted to throw something, he wanted to feel safe. What would make these nightmares end?
A small voice in the back of his head whispered the answer.
He glanced at his watch for the time- Castiel would be coming to wake him for their morning run soon. With a sigh, Dean put the pillow back at the head of the bed as he went to the bathroom.
Truth was, it wasn't having nightmares that was chipping away at Dean's resolve- he wasn't exactly a stranger when it came to his subconscious tormenting him- no, it was what the nightmares implied.
Each one represented all of the different scenarios that Dean has found himself in on a regular basis while he traveled. The nightmares reminded him every night how vulnerable he was on the outside.
Castiel's house was safe, and he felt safe while in it. More than safe- he felt like he was home. What if he left here, and was attacked again? He couldn't rely on Castiel, or some different stranger, to come to his rescue next time. Out there, Dean would be on his own. If he left here, he would be vulnerable. That was what the nightmares were trying to tell him. The more he thought about leaving, the worse they got.
But he had to leave- didn't he? He had already explained it to himself, over and over- he couldn't get complacent or let his guard down, he would be putting Castiel in danger, people were safest away from him- except the harder he tried to convince himself, the less sure he was that it was true.
What if… he didn't have to leave? What if he stayed?
Dean glanced up when the hallway light flicked on as he was leaving the bathroom.
"Oh," Castiel said in as he saw Dean. "I see you're already up, as usual."
Dean smiled fondly at the messy bed hair Castiel sported every morning. Sleepy Cas was one of his favorite versions of the man, and he liked being here to see him like this.
It could be like this every morning.
What if he stayed?
"You could just stay."
Sam's tone carried with it the suggestion that Dean was being simple, and it only seemed to make Dean more argumentative.
Whenever Dean had a conflicting issue, or had difficulty making a decision, he consulted his brother. It always seemed like a good idea at the time, because he knew Sam would give him an honest opinion, and he could really use another perspective on his situation.
Dean had been talking to Sam more and more often since staying at Castiel's, and his brother already knew most of what was going on; sure, maybe Dean left out some of the more personal stuff- the blackout, and the bouts of flirting, for example- but Sam knew all of the important stuff. He would know what was best in this situation, and when he told Dean that it would be safest to pack up and go, then Dean would listen to the voice of reason that was his brother.
Except, to Dean's surprise, Sam picked the 'don't be stupid, you're safe at Cas's house, just stay there' side; he wasn't sure why, but he had pitted Sam on the 'don't trust anyone, you should have left days ago' side. It wasn't that Dean wanted to leave, but to hear Sam agree with his own subconscious was unexpected.
"It's not that simple," Dean sighed. "At this point, we all know there is at least one- possibly more- hunters after me. I have to keep moving. Besides, I have a good thing here. What if I do something stupid and mess it up?" Dean thought back to that night on the couch, the maybe-was-almost-a kiss. Yeah, he was definitely going to mess this all up. "If that happens, I'll have no choice but to leave, and then I won't even have a safe place to fall back on."
"How could you possibly mess up being a guest in someone's house?" Sam asked. "The way you've explained it to me, the guy is practically begging you to stay. He wants you there, you want to be there, and the place is safe. What's the downside here, 'cause I'm not seeing it?"
Dean let out a long sigh as he tried to put words to his thoughts. Should he tell Sam the other reason? Somehow, he didn't think he would take it all that well.
"It's… It's just… it's not that simple," he repeated pathetically.
"I think it is exactly that simple," Sam paused, and Dean anticipated what he might say next. "Dean, be honest with me here; do you really think it is in your best interest to leave? Or are you trying to get me to talk you out of staying? Because if everything that you've told me about this guy and what he's done for you is true, and you still want to convince me that you should leave, then you've either exaggerated, or there's something more you're not telling me."
Damn him. Damn him and his stupid lawyer lie-detecting, truth-deducing superpowers.
"How did you…?"
"I know you, Dean," Sam answered, and Dean swore he could hear him rolling his eyes. "And as paranoid as you are, if you had so much as a single bad feeling about any of it, you would have high-tailed it out of there the moment you woke up. Instead, you've been there for a week now, and suddenly it's like you're looking for any excuse that says it's a good idea to go.
"Dean," Sam paused again before speaking quickly. "Dean, did something happen between you and Castiel? Because if that's the case, and you're not comfortable there anymore-"
"No," Dean interrupted. "No, it's not… it's nothing like that. Well, not really…"
Dean looked behind him, where he could just make out the kitchen window from where he sat out on the patio in the garden. This had become his favorite place to sit, right across from the chair with the worn down cushion that marked it as someone else's favorite seat.
Castiel had said he was making a run to the store, and had offered to take Dean with him if he wanted to go with him to pick some things he forgot to get last time. As much as he enjoyed the little trips in the car with Castiel, he said no.
Ever since that morning, while he lie in bed and for the first time truly considered the possibility of staying, of really living here, and making this place- Castiel's place- his home, he knew he needed to call his brother. He needed a voice of reason to explain to him why staying was a bad idea, because if Sam said it, then it was true. Sam had never been wrong about such matters, and Dean knew that was not a conversation he could risk Castiel overhearing.
So Castiel left, and Dean called Sam so he could hear the truth; Dean couldn't stay here.
Except that wasn't what Sam was telling him.
Dean found himself mindlessly tracing his fingertip over the many petals of a pleasant smelling yellow flower that his mother used to have in her garden. He couldn't remembered the name of it, but recalled her saying they attracted bees. When Dean spoke again, his voice was softer than usual, but he knew his brother could hear every word.
"Cas and I have been getting close. I think we… might be going somewhere. If I stay here, it might get serious, and I don't think I'm ready for something like that."
Sam was quiet for a moment in the wake a Dean's confession.
"So let me see if I understand this," Sam started, and Dean braced himself for the cringe-worthy blunt truth he was about to hear. "You have been on the run for coming on a year now, driving from place to place, working for scraps, in and out of dangerous situations, all on your own. And now this guy, the same guy who saved your sorry ass from a hunter, who has asked nothing of you, offers you a safe haven, in the form of his own personal house, and invites you to stay, not just to rest, but to come and go as you wish. And you want to turn all of that down because, and correct me if I have this wrong, you have a crush on him? Do I have that right?"
Yeah, he definitely didn't take that well.
"It's… not that… simple…"
"Oh my god, Dean," Sam snapped, and Dean had to pull the phone away from his ear a few inches. "If I were there, I'd hit you right now."
"Okay, fine," Dean caved. He had half of a confession out already, might as well go all the way at this point, right?
"I like him. Sammy, I like him a lot. He's awesome. We get along great, and he's easy to talk to, and he's funny, and he thinks Han Solo is WAY better than Luke," Dean smiled against the mouth piece of the phone. "He makes me happy. And I'm happy here. But…"
Dean faltered. He didn't know how to explain it right without further irritating his brother.
Luckily for him, his brother had superpowers.
"But you're scared that something is going to happen between you two, and it'll change everything."
"If I stay here, something is definitely going to happen between us, Sam."
"I know this isn't exactly in your comfort zone, Dean," Sam said. "But that doesn't have to be a bad thing. So what if you stay, and you and Cas end up together? I get why you're hesitant, but I don't see the bad in that."
"It's more than just that, Sam," Dean started. "Okay, let's entertain the idea that I do stay, and maybe Cas and I end up, like, kissing and whatever- shut up, Sammy- what if something happens? After Cas and I have gotten close? If I leave now, before there are any feelings involved, it would be better for everyone."
"Why are you so sure something bad is going to happen?"
"Because," Dean answered with a humorless laugh. "Something bad always happens. Face it, Sam- I'm bad luck. Always have been. No matter where I go, I bring it with me. What am I supposed to do when it catches up with me here?"
"But you're safe there, Dean, that house is safe."
"That's what we thought about the cabin. About the house. Look what happened there."
Sam paused again, and Dean took the opportunity to keep talking.
"Yeah, it's great now, but sooner or later, the other shoe is gonna drop, just like it always does. And when it happens, I can't be here. I won't put Cas through that. I can't. Leaving now would be the best thing for everyone."
This time when Dean said it, he almost believed it.
"I'm not going to tell you want to do Dean. Whether you stay or go has to be your choice. I get that you wanna protect Cas, and that's very brave of you. It's also very stupid and selfish."
"Selfish?"
"Yes, Dean," Sam continued, "Selfish. It won't just be you that this affects, it'll involve Cas, too. I know you think this is what's best for everyone, and I don't think I'm going to be able to talk you out of that. But do you really think you leaving is what's best for you, who will have to go back to being alone and on the run, where we all have to worry about you? And do you think it's what's best for Cas? Didn't you say he's by himself up there? What will he do when you leave?"
Oh. Shit. Dean hadn't even thought about that.
"He'll just," Dean started. "Go back to what he was doing before, I guess."
"Dean, I know you're scared, and I get it," Sam talked softly, as if sensing his brother finally leaning towards reason, and needed just a little push further. "But it's okay to stay. No one is saying you have to move in and make it permanent, and by all means, if something does come up, then get out of there. But don't just take off because something might happen. It's okay to take a chance.
"It's okay to stay."
Dean's talk with Sam lasted a little longer than he had expected it to (probably because he thought Sam was going to tell him something else entirely, and then he could go pack). He still wasn't settled; it was true that Sam brought him close, but he just couldn't say it for sure.
Not yet.
Turned out Sam had been having an interesting week himself; there was a large group project that was proving more difficult than he had thought. But on the plus side, Jessica was in the group. Sam had been trying to talk to her for months, but she was always too busy with school work, and had never said yes to any of his suggestions to hang out. Until they were partnered, that was; Sam made sure to finish the project as soon as possible, just to have some free time in their schedule, and finally, Jessica said yes.
Unfortunately, on the night that Sam was finally going to take her to a diner, he realized he had left his wallet in his friend's car. No money meant no dinner.
Or so he had thought, until Jessica took matters into her own hands and had them make their own dinner together at her place. They had been seeing each other ever since, and by the sounds of it, she was at least as awesome as Sam. The more he heard about her the more he approved. He couldn't wait to meet her.
Looked like Sam was having his own relationship beginnings, and Dean couldn't be happier for him.
After their talk, Dean traded the phone for some gloves, hoping to get rid of the swarm of weeds surrounding the bush with the yellow flowers. The garden was starting to look a lot better, but it still needed much more help before it could bloom to its full potential.
When his stomach rumbled, he put the gloves down and went inside to eat, only to find that Castiel already had lunch ready for him.
"Perfect timing," Castiel said with a smile that Dean easily returned.
He couldn't agree more.
"I got to talk to Sam today."
While eating the most perfect cold cut sandwich he could have asked for, and helping Castiel put things from the store away, Dean was doing some serious thinking. Given the way Castiel was slightly more quiet than usual, Dean suspected the man could tell he was deep in his own head and was grateful he didn't pry.
As usual when Dean found himself alone in a room with Castiel, he could feel that slight tension in the air that was a mixture of all their unsaid feelings and attraction to each other. A feeling that was magnified- to Dean, at least- by the inevitable choice he was about to make: whether or not to stay. Dean felt so unstable right now that he felt if Castiel so much as asked if he was okay, he would likely burst into a whole rant about every little insecurity he had.
Like a consistent itch at the back of his head, his mind urged for him to speak- Castiel's right there, say something- but he just didn't know how to voice his thoughts. He knew the time had come to reveal his answer to Castiel; he had delayed long enough, and it was time to make a decision.
Castiel, I want to stay.
Just say it.
"How is he?" Castiel asked, completely oblivious to the ongoing battle that was Dean's inner thoughts.
"Same old, I guess. School work is getting harder by the day, but it looks like he might have himself a girlfriend."
"That's great," Castiel smiled at him, and it made him want to smile back, but he couldn't because he felt like he might throw up. "She must be quite a girl to have gotten the attention of your brother. The way you go on about him, he must be something special."
"He really is," Dean added. "He kind of helped me realize something today."
I wanna stay here, it's not too late is it?
"Oh?" Castiel turned towards him from the other side of the kitchen where he had been putting something into a drawer. "What's that?"
Dean paused, and his mind replayed his wishes over and over.
I want to stay here. Can I stay here with you? I want-
"I've been thinking…"
And I want to stay.
"Yes?" Castiel encouraged.
"I know I said I'd give you an answer about what I was gonna do, about whether I was gonna stay or not," Dean stated.
Castiel's eyes went slightly wide in surprise, and maybe a bit of fear for what Dean had chosen. Dean knew Castiel wanted him here. Castiel should know Dean wanted to be here, too.
"Oh," Castiel recovered, and Dean could see him trying to school his face, trying to not look too hopeful. "Yes, of course. And what- what have you decided?"
I want to stay, Cas-
"I think I-"
I want to stay here. I like it here. I like it here with you.
I want to be with you.
"Yes, Dean?"
I want to-
But I can't.
"I'm leaving tomorrow morning."
No.
No, that's not what I wanted to say.
The look of pain on Castiel's face is brief, quickly forced into one of neutrality, but not before it pierces Dean's heart.
"Oh, I," Castiel stammers. "I understand." No, you don't. "I will help you make arrangements, and pack you some food for you to take, if you would like."
No.
Cas, I wanna stay-
"Yeah," Dean nods. "Yeah, that'd be great."
"I, um, I have some work I need to get done this afternoon, if you'll excuse me," Castiel turns and starts to make a beeline for the stairs, but he looks back at Dean before he leaves him. "Could I ask you for something? Just one thing?"
Tell me you want me to stay, tell me you want me here, tell me-
"Don't just leave," Castiel asks Dean. It's the first thing he's ever asked of him. "Even if you get up early, and don't want to wake me. Promise you'll say goodbye."
Castiel's face is neutral, but his eyes are full, and they tell Dean everything- Castiel is scared, and angry, and hurt, and so lonely. They were hopeful just a moment ago, hopeful that Dean would tell the truth, but Dean is a liar, and now Castiel's hope is gone. Dean took that away from him.
Before Dean can accept the promise, Castiel leaves, and Dean is alone in the kitchen. With no purpose for his time, he looks around and remembers how much he likes this room. He's gotten to know every compartment and its contents, has gotten to use them as if they were his.
They could have been his.
Dean leaves the kitchen because it doesn't belong to him, and he doesn't belong in it anymore. The room he finds himself in now is supposed to be the living room, but it looks like Castiel's bedroom. Castiel is in here, but it's a different Castiel, the one that let's Dean see everything. Castiel is scared, and angry, and hurt, and so lonely, and Dean sees it all.
"You're a liar, Dean Winchester."
I know.
I'm so sorry.
"I don't know what to do about that."
"It wouldn't be enough anyway," Castiel tells him. "But you could have tried."
"I have to leave."
Liar.
"Hey, now, none of that," Castiel scolds him, and Dean flinches away from the words. Those are bad words. Castiel would never tell him that.
Before the fear grips him, Castiel is there. Gently, he takes both of Dean's wrists in his hands, holding them and the room is safe again. Dean is safe again.
"You know what happens next," Castiel whispers. "You're safe here, but you're leaving, and you know what happens when you leave-"
"Don't say it."
"He's out there," Castiel tells Dean what he knows. "He's waiting for you to leave."
I don't want to leave. It's safe here with you.
"I can't protect you when you leave," Castiel looks so sad. He wants Dean to stay. They both know what happens next.
"I can't stay."
Dean feels the pitch of fear spike through him the moment right before he's grabbed from behind.
Castiel is still here! This realization both relieves and terrifies him, and once again, he is given a choice. Castiel is still holding onto Dean's wrists; he wants to protect Dean, and Dean feels safe with his touch so close. But it's not safe for Castiel. Dean is going to get him killed because that's what Dean does to those who are close enough to be touched, those who try to protect him. He needs to get as far away from Castiel as he can. He needs Castiel to let him go.
Dean won't be safe without Castiel. Castiel might be safe without Dean.
Dean makes his choice.
As hard as he can, he rips his arms out of Castiel's gentle grasp, pulling away from him as Castiel begins to fade. The last thing to vanish is Castiel's face, looking at Dean with the same pain from before, and it tears Dean's heart in two. It hurts to hurt Castiel. He doesn't want to. He never wanted to. But he has to.
Tell me I did the right thing.
Castiel's room vanishes, and now it's dark and cold. There is still a bed, and Dean is on it again, but there are no ropes tying him down. This time Dean isn't being restrained, but he stays there out of fear.
This is what comes next. He knows Castiel isn't coming this time.
Dean is on his back, and a shadowy figure lurks over him, murmuring words in Dean's ear that make his stomach twist. His arms are free, so he lashes out, tries to push distance between himself and his attacker.
"Hey, now, none of that, Dean," the whispers frighten him and he wants to get away. "It's me, Dean."
Don't fucking touch me!
The man grabs Dean shoulders and shakes him hard, but if he's close enough to touch, that means Dean can hurt him. Dean kicks out, planting his foot on the man's chest and pushing hard.
"Get off of me!"
There was a loud crashing sound followed by a satisfying hiss of pain, and finally Dean could sit up.
There was light in the room now, but it didn't feel dangerous anymore. But where…?
A low groan brought Dean's eyes to the right side of the room where the man he had kicked had fallen and-
Oh.
Shit.
"Cas?"
Castiel was sitting on the floor in front of the dresser, sprawled backwards with a hand on the small of his back where he must have collided with the furniture. There is a pained expression on his face.
"Fuck," Dean swore.
He didn't want to hurt Castiel, but it seemed that was all he did.
"Fuck, Cas," Dean could feel tears welling up and he couldn't breathe right. "Cas, I'm- I'm so sorry, I-"
"Dean," Castiel interrupted him, moving to get up with a small wince that Dean couldn't help but notice. Slowly, he moved towards Dean with his hands up and his palms out, as if afraid Dean might try to strike him again. "Dean, it's okay- I'm okay."
Dean kept stammering apologies until Castiel made it to the bed, sitting next to him and pulling him into a hug.
"It's okay, Dean, I'm here. It's okay."
The moment Castiel's arms closed around him, Dean fell apart. The part of Dean that would feel shame in crying so hard, or find embarrassment in being held like this had surrendered completely to the overwhelming need to be close to Castiel. So Dean cried, his whole body shaking with each sob, as he clung to Castiel's night shirt, feeling no wrong in needing this.
Warm hands traced up and down Dean's back while a soft and soothing voice whispered in his ear, slowly easing Dean's anxiety like a balm, calming him until the shakes stopped. Dean's breathing had evened out, but he felt light headed, and it was hard to think straight. Maybe later, he could blame his mouth on that.
"Stay."
"Hmm?"
"Please," Dean whispered into Castiel's neck. "Please stay. I don't want to be alone."
Castiel was quiet for a few seconds, and Dean found himself holding his breath and inwardly pleading.
"Do you mind the lamp?" Castiel finally asked, and Dean pulled away just enough to quickly shake his head. No, Castiel could have all the light he wanted, so as long as he didn't go. "Scoot over."
The small command surprised Dean, and he leaned back far enough to give Castiel a small, hopeful look before quickly shifting to the other side of the bed to make room for him. Staying on top of the blanket, Castiel climbed fully onto the bed, laying on his back to Dean's right.
With each passing second, Dean could feel the tension from his nightmare slowly leaving his body and being replaced with a strong sense of safety. Castiel was here. Nothing could hurt Dean now.
The warmth and security that radiated from beside him was too much for Dean to resist, and he rolled onto his side, facing Castiel. There was an urge for contact that he couldn't ignore. With his eyes closed, Dean pressed his head forward, nuzzling into Castiel's shoulder.
A small movement between them caught his attention, and Dean opened his eyes to see Castiel's arm slowly turning, his palm facing up, his hand open and fingers slightly spread.
An invitation.
Hands still shaking, Dean felt along Castiel's arm, reaching down and wrapping under Castiel's left hand with his right one, turning it over so his palm faced down towards his, and twining their fingers together.
Dean's head lifted slightly as Castiel drew in a steady breath, and let out a content sigh.
For the first time in too long, Dean fell asleep not dreading his dreams. He felt safe and warm and he wanted to wrap himself up in this feeling and never leave.
Castiel was the first to wake up.
It took him a moment to realize what the constricting feeling in his chest was as he blinked his eyes open. When his sight came back to him, he looked to his left and his first reaction was to laugh, though he managed to hold it in.
What had started out as simple hand holding had morphed into a serious cuddle session during the night. Dean was now half lying on top of Castiel. With the blanket still separating their lower bodies, one of Dean's legs had managed to find its way between his. Dean's upper body was draped over him, with his left hand wrapped around Castiel's midsection, and his head resting on Castiel's collarbone. Their hands were still wound together, pressed between their bodies.
Castiel stared at Dean and smiled; he couldn't stop the swelling feeling he got in his chest when he saw how comfortable Dean was to be sleeping on him. And he was so beautiful when he slept.
And oh- oh.
Castiel let out a small gasp of surprise as he stared at Dean; how had it taken him so long to notice it? Every inch of Dean's exposed skin was glowing softly, shimmering with each measured breath the Luministia took. Castiel had never seen him with a natural, fully-body glow before. The swelling feeling in his chest expanded, filling his whole body up with the affection he felt for Dean in this moment.
If Dean was glowing, that had to mean that he was content. Castiel knew Dean never let himself be seen while he was like his, and likely wasn't like this often, not if he could help it. Which meant that, at least subconsciously, he felt comfortable enough around Castiel to shine in front of him. That realization meant more to Castiel than anything.
Especially after last night.
Castiel had bolted out of bed before he was even properly awake, instinctively running in the direction of Dean's shouts. Dean had called out to Castiel just as he opened the door to his bedroom. Within seconds, Castiel could tell it was only a nightmare. Dean was not in any real danger, but he had thought... he couldn't keep his mind from jumping to the worst possible conclusion when Dean cried his name in fear.
He flicked on the lamp and sat next to Dean on the bed, saying his name and touching his shoulder to try and get his attention, to rouse him from his nightmare. When Dean only continued to thrash against the sheets, Castiel had grabbed both of his shoulders and tried to force him awake, loudly telling Dean he was only dreaming, telling him he was there, telling him he was safe.
The kick and fall didn't hurt terribly, it had just surprised him. What hurt way worse was Dean's reaction to waking up to see what he had done. Castiel didn't know if it was a leftover instinct from being an older brother, or if it stemmed from his developing feelings for Dean now, but when he had heard Dean start to panic, he was immediately filled with the need to comfort him, to ease his fear.
So Castiel held Dean, greatly resembling the time Dean had held him when he was afraid, and just like then, he didn't want to let go.
When Dean asked him to stay, he didn't have it in him to say no. He didn't want to.
Stay. Please, stay. I don't want to be alone.
Castiel wanted to say the same thing.
Dean was supposed to be leaving this morning, and the thought made Castiel run his hand over Dean's shoulder and pull him closer.
Judging by the sky outside, it was still early in the morning, right around the time Castiel would be coming to wake Dean up for their jog. Today, he felt no need to disturb him, had no desire to expedite Dean's departure. Besides, Dean could use a proper sleep. For now, he was content with waiting for the man to wake up on his own.
Unable or unwilling to fall back asleep, Castiel continued to gaze down at Dean, watching as he gently snored, his mouth completely slack.
He knew he shouldn't stare; it was rude and if Dean knew, he'd probably be uncomfortable, but Castiel couldn't help it. Yes, he was beautiful, but it was more than that.
Castiel loved him. But Dean was leaving.
"I want you to stay," Castiel whispered. "I don't want to be alone, either."
Just then, Dean smiled in his sleep, just a little curve of the lips, before nuzzling his head against Castiel's collarbone.
Castiel smiled fondly back, and wondered if it would be entirely inappropriate to kiss the top of Dean's head.
Between one breath and another, Dean woke up. It wasn't a slow coming-to, either; he didn't feel groggy or exhausted. Rather, he felt like he had been awake for a few hours, peacefully lying in bed.
With a stretch, he glanced up to see Castiel watching him, and he gave him a lazy smile, humming contentedly before closing his eyes again and getting resettled.
Then he woke up.
A small wave of shock jolted through him as looked back up at Castiel, everything from last night filtering to the front of his consciousness.
Without looking, he could tell he was glowing. Despite the fresh wave of embarrassment, Dean found it more difficult that usual to extinguish it, but with proper focus, he managed.
"Sorry," Castiel said it before he could. "I didn't mean to stare."
"That's alright," Dean said with a shrug. "I know I'm good looking."
He couldn't help it, it was an opening, and embarrassment made him default to bad jokes.
Still, maybe this wasn't the time or place for flirting, not after everything that had happened, and what was he thinking-
The sound of Castiel's soft chuckle cut through his self-berating, and with one word, made Dean feel slightly more confident.
"Understatement," Castiel said, and Dean relaxed against him with a small laugh of his own.
Neither one of them tried to separate from the other.
Dean stared at Castiel's hand on his shoulder, watching his thumb mindlessly slide back and forth along the hemline of his shirt.
"What time is it?"
"Half past ten," Castiel replied, and Dean looked up at him with surprise. Dean hadn't gotten that much sleep since he lived at home.
"Seriously?" Castiel nodded at him, and Dean gave a small chuckle. "Guess we're not going jogging."
"We can still go if you want," Castiel told him. "Outside isn't going anywhere."
"Maybe not today," Dean said. He didn't think he had it in him. But if not today, then when? It was morning, and Dean was supposed to be leaving soon. He would be leaving Castiel, hurting him, like he did yesterday.
"How's, um," Dean started. "I mean, is your- how's your back?"
"It's fine," Castiel immediately reassured him. "You just caught me off guard, I wasn't really hurt."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize. It was an accident, Dean."
"Not just for that," Dean started. There was something about this moment that felt safe. He could tell Castiel the truth here. He had to. "I'm sorry about what I said."
"I don't...?"
"Yesterday. When I told you I was leaving. I'm sorry."
Dean felt Castiel squeeze his hand, and realized they were still twined together.
"You don't have to apologize for that, Dean," Castiel said softly.
"Yes, I do," Dean said, pausing.
Say it.
"I wanna stay."
Castiel's reaction was expected, his head turning quickly to look down at Dean, who hid his face from him. He wasn't ashamed, but he was still scared.
"I don't wanna leave. I wanna stay here with you," Dean finally confessed, and each word felt like a weight was being taken away. "I'm terrified of leaving here. Every night, I have nightmares about what might happen if I do. I don't wanna go, Cas."
"Dean," Castiel whispered his name. "If that's true, then why did you tell me you were leaving? Was it because-" Castiel paused. "Do you not want to stay because of me? Did I do something? I know we've been getting close, but if that's the reason, I can stop-"
"No," Dean shook his head. "No, that's- it's not because of that."
"Then I don't understand. Are you unhappy here?"
"I love it here," Dean confessed. "It's the first place I've been since leaving my family that's felt like home."
"Then why?"
Dean knew it was too late to back out now. Castiel deserved to know.
"It's not safe," Dean whispered. "I'm not safe. My mother tried to protect me from hunters. They tracked me down, and she got in the way. And now it's happening again. There's another hunter after me, and what if he finds me here? What if he goes after you? I can't let that happen, Cas, I can't-"
"Hey," Castiel shushed him. "Are you saying you want to leave because you're worried I might be in danger if you stay?"
Dean stayed quiet long enough to confirm Castiel's statement.
"Dean, that's not- it's safe here, Dean-"
"You don't understand," Dean said. He let go of Castiel's hand and sat up so he could see him better. It was hard enough to have this conversation at all, let alone while the person he knew he had to leave was holding him.
"Then explain it to me," Castiel said calmly, sitting up himself.
"People around me get hurt, Cas," Dean told him. "And what if something happens to you because I'm here?"
"And what if you stay, and nothing bad happens at all?"
"Something bad always happens."
"Something bad is always going to happen if you always leave before something good can come from it."
Dean didn't have an argument for him.
"I can't tell tell you what you should do," Castiel continued. "If you really want to go, I'm not going to try and talk you out of it. Just please, do it for the right reasons, not because you think you're bad luck. Give me one good, valid reason why you can't stay."
There was a lengthy pause while Dean tried to think of something. Castiel held his gaze, even while Dean wanted to hide his face again. He could feel his eyes start to burn with tears, but he kept himself under control.
"I can't."
Castiel gave him an almost smile that wasn't at all happy, but maybe a bit relieved. He brought his hand up to cup Dean's face, and Dean leaned into it. They were so close together, Dean sitting right beside him, just inches away.
"Would it help if I said I was scared, too?"
"You are?"
"Of course," Castiel said, his thumb lightly tracing his his cheek bone. "I've been alone for a very long time, Dean. Not literally- I have friends out of state that I visit, and sometimes I have to drive out to meetings for work, but personally?" Castiel averted his gaze, as if suddenly embarrassed. "It's been a long time since I've been this close with anyone. I think it's because I'm easily annoyed by others, and often find people irritating."
Dean couldn't help but laugh at that, and the air between then became lighter with the sound, and suddenly, it wasn't so hard to say these things. An easy smile was shared between them that made Dean's skin threaten to shine.
"Yeah, I guess it would be difficult to like someone you found frustrating most of the time."
"It is, but I'm trying to manage."
Dean opened his mouth in mock offense before shoving Castiel's shoulder lightly, knocking his hand away and making them both laugh.
"So you like me, huh?" Dean asked teasingly, thinking, 'Ah yes, flirting. This I can do.'
"I like you, Dean," Castiel said, and though he still had his usual almost smile on, Dean could tell he was being serious. "I like you way more than I had anticipated. I wasn't expecting… you. I wasn't expecting this. And I'm not really sure what to do now."
"Let's not expect anything," Dean suggested. "From either of us. Let's just… keep doing what we've been doing. I mean, it's working so far right?"
"I agree," Castiel said with a nod before he fixed Dean with a look. "Wait- does that mean…?"
Catching on to his meaning, Dean smiled and nodded.
"Yeah," Dean said. "Yeah, I'm staying."
The look Castiel gave him made his eyes start to prickle, and he knew it would soon be too hard to resist it. He covered by saying he was still tired, playfully pushing Castiel back against the pillows, and resting his head back on his chest. Castiel went along without a complaint, despite Dean feeling that he had already been awake for a while. He wrapped his arm behind Dean's head, stroking his hand up and down his back soothingly.
Dean was staying. Castiel was holding him. He felt safe and warm and rested. They had slept together all night. Castiel kept touching him, wanting the contact as much as Dean needed it, and Dean couldn't hold back anymore. He leaned into Castiel's chest, closing his eyes before letting them glow. That was where it stopped, just his eyes. It wasn't much, but for now, it was enough.
Neither of them were really tired, but they both stayed there, lying together for a little while longer, neither one wanting to end this. After a while, Dean felt lips press against the top of his head, so softly he might have imagined it. Eyes still closed, Dean reciprocated by turning his head, just a fraction, and lightly kissing Castiel's chest.
He was still scared, and he doubted that would ever really go away, but it was okay. He was going to take a chance. Maybe it would work, maybe it wouldn't, but Dean wasn't going to run away this time.
Dean was going to stay.
