Gray had to admit that this scheme to grab a bunch of jobs and run around the countryside for a few weeks was actually turning out to be a pretty good idea. He was no longer quite sure why he had proposed it in the first place, though. The original intention had been to do something for Natsu's benefit, because Gray wasn't stupid and saw how worried his friend was. Natsu was dead set on bothering him until he felt like he had done something to help the situation anyway. But Gray was starting to suspect that part of the reason he had wanted to go on this road trip was purely selfish.

The past month and a half had been hard for him with all the reminders of what had happened to his parents and Ur, and of what had almost happened to Natsu and the rest of his friends. Natsu thought the real issue was the nightmares, but they weren't even the start of the problem. If anything, they were just a side effect. The problem was just that Gray was sad. He felt depressed and guilty and overwhelmed by everything he had never quite gotten over no matter how much time had passed.

Being with Natsu helped that. He was always so upbeat and silly that it was hard to stay in a bad mood around him, and all the jobs had kept Gray busy enough that he didn't have as much time to brood. And Natsu had been his best friend for a long time. He had been the only person to actually get through to Gray, despite the fact that several people had made intermittent attempts since Galuna. Gray had to give him credit for that.

So after that one job Natsu had tagged along on, they went back to the guild and cheerfully argued until they agreed on five jobs they would take for their little trip. Then they dodged all of Erza's warnings and hopeful looks—honestly, didn't she realize they were damn good friends by now, fighting or not?—and hurried out the door just as soon as they had told everyone goodbye, explained to Lucy why they absolutely could not help her make her rent payment this month no matter how persuasive she thought she was, and convinced Happy and Erza that it was their job to help Lucy with her rent instead.

After that, they traveled around by train—thankfully, the potion Gray had picked up seemed to help a little, even if it couldn't get rid of Natsu's motion sickness completely—and proceeded to terrorize the countryside. Well, they had actually kept the terrorizing to a minimum, aside from the various villainous characters they ran into on their jobs. The unnaturally good behavior was mostly thanks to Gray keeping Natsu in line.

Not that Natsu made it easy. The fire-breathing idiot had spent half of the previous day whining about how he wanted to burn down the mayor's mansion. Gray was tempted to agree since this mayor was beyond rude, flat-out lied about how powerful the dark guild harassing his town was, and withheld part of the reward because they had damaged some buildings. Which was only because the dark guild had been twice as big as Gray and Natsu had been led to believe, making some damage inevitable. But they had been on their best behavior up to this point so as not to attract the wrath of Erza or the Council, and Gray didn't want to ruin that streak when they were already on their last job.

Despite the surprising lack of destruction and fighting, the trip had been fun and Gray was a little disappointed that they'd be heading back to the guild tomorrow. It had been a two-week vacation of sorts. There had been some fun fights and a lot of good-natured teasing and some good—if far less emotional—bonding time.

That wasn't to say everything had been perfect. There had been a few nights when Gray had woken up gasping for air, clawing his way out of a nightmare. Once or twice he had spent the rest of the night staring at the ceiling and pretending to be asleep when Natsu finally stirred, but for the most part the dreams weren't so bad that he was too reluctant to go back to sleep. Well, sometimes they were still pretty bad, but he was wary of staying up all night because he didn't want Natsu to find out about them.

Natsu might suspect that not everything was well yet, but he hadn't actually been woken up by Gray in the middle of the night again after that first time. Gray would rather keep it that way, because last time the idiot had gotten it into his head to stay up all night and keep watch. He appreciated the gesture, really, but Natsu had been a mess the next day. It was already bad enough that he had picked up a new habit of only pretending to sleep until he was sure that Gray was asleep and not planning to stay up all night. Oh, he thought he was being sneaky, but Gray had caught on to his tricks.

Gray had considered calling him on it, but decided to leave it be. If it eased some of Natsu's concern about Gray's mental state, then more power to him. It was better than having him freaking out about everything.

But with how closely Natsu was monitoring Gray, perhaps it was inevitable that they would have to have another nighttime chat eventually.


Gray woke with a gasp and a sob, jerking up to a sitting position in his panic. His head banged into something hard, and he flailed backwards with a surprised yelp. Still half-asleep, he peered at the intruder blearily.

"Natsu?" he asked slowly. Natsu had apparently been leaning over Gray when he'd sat up abruptly, and had now collapsed on the edge of the bed to rub at his forehead with a grimace. "What are you doing?"

Natsu scowled at him, his narrowed eyes glinting in the faint moonlight streaming through the window, but his irritated expression quickly melted into something resembling worry.

"You were having a nightmare," he said, pushing at one of Gray's legs. "Scooch over." Gray retracted his legs and folded them under the blankets, and Natsu slid over and seated himself more comfortably on the bed. "You were tossing and turning and mumbling things. I was trying to wake you up, but it was kind of hard because you were really out. And you know what else is hard? Your skull. Damn, that hurt."

Gray tried to laugh, but it sounded strangled and breathy and clearly didn't assuage Natsu's concern.

"Sorry I woke you up," he said, although he was only half focused on Natsu.

The nightmare had left him with a vague sense of dread and fear, and he felt jittery and on edge. His eyes darted around the darkened room frantically, as if he actually expected something to jump out at him.

"It's okay," Natsu said. "Calm down." He waved his hand in front of Gray's face. Gray flinched back at the unexpected movement, but at least it caught his attention and snapped him out of his half-formed panic. He stilled, staring at his friend with wide eyes. Natsu stared right back, but then his gaze drifted downwards. "Why are you doing that?"

The question caught Gray off guard, and he blinked at Natsu in confusion before following his gaze. What Natsu found so disturbing were the unusual wringing movements Gray's hands were making. Gray flung his hands apart and gave them a wary look, as if expecting them to start the endless cycle of dry-washing again as soon as he looked away.

"I don't know," he said, shoving them under the blankets. "Nothing important."

Natsu bit his lip and looked suspicious. Once again, Gray regretted his inability to lie convincingly. And it was a lie. Gray knew exactly what it was, and it bothered him more than nightmares. It had been a long time since he'd caught himself doing that when he wasn't paying attention, and the reemergence of a nervous tic he'd thought he had conquered was disheartening.

They sat in silence for a few more seconds as he waited for Natsu to call him out on his lie, but whatever the dragon slayer saw in his face convinced him to let it go. Natsu eventually sighed and averted his eyes.

"And here I was thinking that maybe your nightmares weren't as bad since you weren't waking me up anymore."

"They haven't been as bad," Gray assured him, not liking the disappointed look in his eyes. "Or I haven't been getting them as frequently, at least. It helped. You helped."

Natsu nodded, but remained solemn. "So, what was it about this time?"

Gray hesitated. "I don't… I don't know," he said slowly, furrowing his brow as he tried to sort out the tangled flashes of imagery and sound floating around in his head.

He truthfully couldn't say what the dream had been about, but it had been bad. He could still see quick flashes of blood and ice and death when he closed his eyes, and the faint, distorted echoes of desperate screams and heartbroken sobs rang in his ears.

He became aware that his hands had been inching closer together as if seeking comfort while he dug through these snatches of nightmare. He unfolded his legs and drew them up to his chest so that he could lace his arms around them and keep his hands firmly clasped together. Dropping his chin onto his knees, he stared blankly at Natsu, although he wasn't really seeing his friend.

He might not remember the details of the nightmare, but the sense of abject terror and loss still haunted him. And yet, this half-remembered dream wasn't so terrible because of the fear it had induced, but because of the sadness. It made Gray feel heavy and depressed and hopeless. The normal nightmares were something he had learned to deal with over the years, but the hopeless fear and crushing guilt they left behind only reminded him that there were some things he couldn't outrun. There were some things that would haunt him forever, no matter how many years had passed.

"Gray…"

He forced his eyes to focus on Natsu and winced at how worried he looked. That in itself Gray could handle, but he also looked so sad, and maybe even a little frightened. And that look did not belong on Natsu's face. Gray hated that it was his fault it was there.

"It's okay," he said quickly. "It's not so bad. It'll–it'll get better. It's not always like this. It's not always–"

He broke off, aware that he had been rambling, sounding more like he was trying to convince himself than anything else. At some point he had started rocking back and forth, and he forced himself to stop and relax so that his fingers weren't digging their nails into the opposite hand. When he looked at Natsu again, he wished that he hadn't said anything at all. Natsu didn't look convinced, and Gray couldn't blame him. It was mostly a pack of lies anyway.

It most definitely wasn't okay, because this was the stuff that had been eating away at him for years and years. And it was bad. Not just the stupid nightmares. He really just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry, because right now he hated himself and he hated the stupid things he had done and the stupid things he had almost done and the stupid things he was bound to do again someday.

Gray had lost his optimism years ago. He didn't think it was going to get better, not anymore. Sure, some of the raw anguish would dull over time and he would be able to focus on the present again, but it was never going to go away. He knew it would never go away because it was always like this. Some days were better than others and there were times he was pretty okay, but this was always there, lurking under the surface. He could never quite forget.

No, the hurt wasn't always so raw. The mess with Galuna had brought all of his old insecurities and grief to the forefront again, and they would eventually start fading to the background once more. The others acknowledged that this renewed grieving was normal, and as he started to seem to get better, they would assume it was all over. Gray knew better. He would be able to laugh and act normal again, there would be times he was mostly okay, but he wasn't going to be as okay as everyone would think.

The grief and guilt and hopelessness and undercurrent of self-loathing were an integral part of him, and they were here to stay. To be honest, he wasn't sure who he would be without them. If they magically disappeared one day, he wasn't sure that he would be able to recognize himself anymore.

Gray thought that was pretty pathetic.

"Gray…" Natsu said slowly, leaning forward a little and staring at him intently, "don't lie to me."

All the air was sucked out of Gray all at once, and he took a shuddering breath as he curled further into himself. There was something about those words that made him want to start crying, and he could feel something inside him threatening to break. The walls seemed to close in around him. The sadness was so heavy that he couldn't breathe, and the panic was creeping back again.

"I need…" He glanced around the room before nodding sharply. "I need to get out of here."

"What?"

"I can't breathe in here," he muttered, sliding out of bed. Bending down, he picked up a shirt he had left on the floor earlier and pulled it over his head with trembling fingers. "I need to go outside for a few minutes."

There was a reason he often ended up wandering the streets after his nightmares. He needed the chill night air to clear his head and sort out his thoughts. It would help him calm down and feel a little less trapped and hopeless.

Natsu rose to his feet as well, and Gray had a hard time deciphering his normally open expression.

"Let me grab some shoes and I'll come with you."

"Don't bother. I'll be back in a few minutes."

"You asked me to come with you."

"No, I didn't."

Natsu tugged on his sandals and raised an eyebrow. "Sure you did. When you asked me to come with you on this trip, what exactly did you think you were asking for?"

Gray stared at him wordlessly. Maybe he was right. Maybe that was part of the reason Gray had planned this trip, because he had felt better when Natsu had comforted him the other night and didn't want to give that up yet. And to be honest, he was lying to himself when he said that he wanted to be alone now.

"Besides," Natsu added, his voice suddenly cheery, "I've always wanted to run around an unfamiliar city at night. It sounds exciting."

"You're such an idiot," Gray grumbled as he spun on his heel and opened the door.

"Maybe, but you love me anyway," Natsu teased.

"You wish," Gray shot back as he walked down the hallway and emerged into the darkened street beyond.

Natsu snickered quietly, but lapsed into silence as they strolled down the street. Gray shoved his hands into his pockets and tilted his head back to look at the stars as he walked. There was something vaguely comforting about all those pinpricks of light winking down at them from an otherwise dark sky. A chilly night breeze stirred the air and ruffled through his hair, and he relaxed at the familiar coolness. The hazy snatches of nightmares were harder to hang on to out here, and some of his jittery panic began to fade away as he left his dreams back in the stuffy hotel room.

As he settled down, the stars seemed less comforting. There was something so…hopeful about them. Gray didn't feel very hopeful right now, and he didn't want any reminders. All of those tiny lights looked so bright and cheerful, but in his experience, lights couldn't hold out forever. They would always get swallowed up by the darkness eventually, because good didn't always triumph in the real world.

He looked away before his thoughts could solidify into something even darker and more painfully concrete. As his gaze returned to the street, he noticed that Natsu was watching him carefully, a strange expression plastered across his face. It made Gray uncomfortable.

"What?" he asked sharply.

Natsu shook his head slowly, an almost puzzled frown tugging at his lips. "It's weird," he said, drawing his words out as he considered what he was trying to say. "You were really freaked out inside, but as soon as you got out here, you calmed down right away. But it's not… It's not really gone." He paused and thought that over before nodding. "Yeah. You're still upset, but it's different now."

"Of course it's different," Gray said, giving him a funny look. "Before it was just dream panic. You know how it is when you wake up terrified from a nightmare, but it fades away pretty quickly because it isn't real."

"If it fades away so quickly, then why did you keep staying up all night instead of going back to sleep?"

Gray's gaze wandered away. "Because after the fake stuff fades, that's when the real stuff comes back."

He didn't look back, but he could feel Natsu's gaze boring into the side of his head.

"What is it that you're so afraid of?" Natsu asked finally.

"I thought you'd figured that out by now."

"Yeah, sometimes I think so too. But you don't tell me anything, and you're hard to read sometimes. And right now you're being really weird and it's…weird."

Gray chose not to comment on the lackluster ending. Natsu wasn't wrong. Gray made it a point to keep this darker, sadder side of himself hidden as much as possible. But he'd spent a lot of his life running away, and he was too tired to keep running right now.

"It's because I'm not…scared-scared. It's more like a…foreboding, I guess."

Natsu's eyebrows shot up. "A 'foreboding'?" he asked skeptically. Gray scowled over at him, and he backtracked hurriedly. "Okay, okay, a foreboding. Got it."

Resisting the urge to roll his eyes, Gray jammed his hands deeper into his pockets. He slouched a little, hunching his shoulders as he turned a corner and started down the next cobblestone street.

"You know what I mean. It's just this feeling, this knowledge, that one day someone else I care about is going to get hurt and it's going to be…" …my fault. Gray shook his head to banish the thought.

"You can't know that."

"I can feel it," he insisted. "Call me crazy, but I can feel it."

Maybe it was just a product of the nightmare's aftereffects, but at this moment Gray could say that he knew with absolute certainty that this wasn't over. He could feel it in his bones. Maybe tomorrow in the daylight this strange conviction would fade away like a half-forgotten dream, but right now he was positive that he was right.

"I don't know who it will be," he muttered, frowning at the ground, "but there will be someone. And to be honest, you scare me the most right now."

"Me? Why me? Is this about Deliora again?"

"Yes. And no. It's… Look." Gray extracted one hand to rub wearily at his face before returning it to his pocket. "Being a mage is a dangerous occupation. We know that, but we don't always think about it. And to be honest, a lot of us thrive on that danger and excitement. But I worry sometimes, you know? Erza worries me too because she's always pushing her limits, but I also trust her to take care of herself for the most part. And it's easy to worry about Lucy because she isn't as strong as the rest of us, but she's also better at realizing when she needs help and she has a lot of people looking out for her.

"But you… You don't respect your limits. You're always pushing yourself too far and going up against impossible odds. You always jump right in and try to take on all of the toughest situations by yourself. So far it has worked out, but one day it's going to catch up to you."

A charged silence fell as Natsu processed that. As Gray waited for his friend's inevitably snippy protest, he glanced around at the shops they were passing. They had been in this city for three and a half days now, but he still wasn't overly familiar with its layout. He hoped that he hadn't taken a wrong turn, but as they turned another corner, he spotted a familiar restaurant they had eaten at a couple of days ago. At least they were headed in the right direction.

"Wow…" Natsu said slowly, drawing out the word in the silence. "Thanks for the vote of confidence. You know, I'm actually pretty tough. I can take care of myself."

"I know that," Gray said with a sigh. "But don't get blinded by the name of our guild—life isn't a fairy tale. Yeah, you're tough and you can usually beat the odds, but not everyone gets their happy ending, you know. You can pull off these impossible stunts because you believe in yourself and because the strength of your feelings gives you tremendous power and determination. But that's not always going to be enough."

"I fight for my friends," Natsu said, his voice hard. "I fight against impossible odds because I don't want them to get hurt. And you do the exact same thing. Let's be honest with ourselves here, we're going to keep right on doing it too. It's part of who we are. You need to stop overthinking it—we've been okay so far."

Gray tilted his face upwards and fixed his eyes on the stars. "I'm not asking you to stop. Fighting for the people you care about isn't a bad thing, but…" He looked down again, staring vacantly at the ground ahead of him. "I loved my parents, you know, and I loved Ur. And they loved me too. But in the end, that wasn't enough to save them. They died anyway."

His gaze drifted back to Natsu's face. Something in his words or eyes had caught his friend's attention. The earlier irritation had disappeared, and Natsu just looked pained and sad again.

"Gray–"

He shook his head sharply, wanting to say his piece before Natsu derailed everything by trying to make him feel better.

"Love, friendship, they're important," he continued. Natsu stopped in the middle of the street to watch him sadly, and Gray paused as well. "They're powerful. But they aren't an absolute safeguard, a guarantee that everything will work out in the end. Sometimes all the love in the world can't save you.

"We'll keep trying, of course. It's not a reason to give up. But it just… It makes me worry sometimes because we assume that things will work out and we'll win and be okay, but I know that isn't always going to be true. I just… I don't want to see you get hurt. I've lost a lot of people, Natsu. I don't want to lose anyone else. I don't–I don't–"

Gray broke off and let out a shaky breath, unable to articulate his thoughts anymore. He had watched a lot of people die or get hurt, and a lot of it had been his fault, more or less. Then there was that feeling that he was going to see the people he cared about suffer again and the nagging suspicion that it was going to be because of him. And that more than anything else, more than the demon that stalked his sleep and the real dangers that dotted his waking hours, was what frightened him.

He looked down as he became aware that his hands had automatically started rubbing together again. Pulling them apart, he stared at them for a moment, not pleased to see that they were trembling, and shoved them back into his pockets where they belonged.

"Gray…"

He forced himself to look at Natsu again. He should say something, but he couldn't think of a single thing to say right now that wouldn't send him over the edge.

"I don't–"

He felt his face twisting in grief and stopped talking. Something flashed in Natsu's eyes, and he stepped forward so that he was only centimeters away.

"Shh, it's okay," he said in a low voice. "I'm here."

Gray stiffened in surprise and narrowed his eyes at Natsu, the tears pricking at their corners suddenly forgotten. He recognized those words from when he'd soothed Natsu during his nightmare a couple of weeks ago. He had come back from his job to find his friend tossing and turning and muttering in his sleep, and he'd felt bad when Natsu had said his name and he'd realized this was his fault too. But Natsu had been asleep, so he shouldn't have really heard or remembered those words. It could have been a coincidence, but it still rattled Gray.

"I'm sorry."

Natsu drew back and frowned at him, then smirked a little. "Aha. I knew it was you," he said, sounding pleased with himself.

Gray stared at him blankly, not following. "What?" It took a second to see what Natsu was getting at, but then he shook his head. "No, I meant I'm sorry," he corrected. "I'm sorry about your nightmares."

Now it was Natsu's turn to look puzzled again. Gray turned away and started back down the street. After a few seconds, he heard Natsu's footsteps on the cobblestones behind him.

"They're not so bad," Natsu said. "I don't even get them that often. That one was just because we'd been talking. Besides, it's not your fault."

"Isn't it?" Gray asked, one corner of his mouth twitching upwards into a dry, unamused smile.

"Of course not," Natsu said, hurrying to catch up so that he could walk by Gray's side. "You blame yourself for the stupidest things."

"Maybe so, but it's something I did that scared you enough to give you nightmares, isn't it?"

Natsu looked away. "Still not your fault," he grumbled. "It's like we were saying: we tend to do stupid stuff to protect our friends. I'm not saying I approve of you trying to use iced shell, but you were just trying to protect us, even if you were going about it the wrong way."

Gray sighed and scuffed his foot against the ground moodily. "Except that I wasn't just using iced shell as a last resort to protect you guys, and you know it."

He could feel Natsu's eyes suddenly burning into his skull, but he didn't look over. They finally reached the city outskirts and passed the final buildings. This was a beachside town, which was nice since he often felt drawn to the water when he was brooding. Stepping off the main city road, he followed the sandy path down to the ocean.

"At that point, I was going to use iced shell no matter what happened," he said quietly. "Even if we had found another possible way to defeat Deliora, I would have still tried to use it anyway. It felt fitting. It felt right. It felt like what I deserved, really, and I wanted to use it. I wanted to.

"In essence, I was giving up. And you knew it. Maybe the others didn't realize it, but you saw how I was with Lyon even before the demon was resurrected. I was looking for any reason to use it." He glanced at Natsu and met his eyes solemnly. "The reason you're still scared, why you have nightmares, is because you knew that I was giving up. And if I gave up once, then I could give up again." His gaze wandered away. "Yes, I wanted to protect you from the demon, but I wasn't using iced shell out of necessity. I had a choice, and I chose to give up. That's what makes this my fault."

Gray headed directly for the water, his feet sinking into the sand as he made his way across the beach. Natsu followed silently, and they had almost reached the ocean before he spoke again.

"It was fucking terrifying," he said finally, his voice wavering. "You were suddenly so different. It was like a whole other side of you I'd never seen before, and it scared me because you were so self-destructive. You were going to throw away your life like it was nothing, and I couldn't understand it. So it scares me to see how broken up you've been since Galuna because yes, you gave up and I don't want to see that happen again. You aren't supposed to give up like that. Don't you dare do that again."

"I heard you," Gray said quietly, stopping at the edge of the water to stare out at the ocean.

"Did you?" Natsu asked, his voice taking on a brittle edge. "Did you really?"

"Yes, Natsu, I heard your voice. Didn't I tell you that I wasn't going anywhere?"

Although Gray kept his eyes fixed on the water, he heard Natsu's exhale of relief from beside him.

"Good," Natsu said. "That's…good." They watched the soft ocean swells in silence for a few minutes before he added, "Were you intending to come here the whole time? Because there's no way you would have been out for only a couple of minutes if you planned on walking all the way across the city."

One corner of Gray's mouth twitched upwards. "You got me. I don't know if this is where I was planning to go when I left, but I would have probably ended up here anyway. I always seem to end up by the water when I'm thinking."

Natsu raised an eyebrow. "Water's…good. You know, whatever works for you."

"Honestly, I'm not sure it's necessarily a good thing. I've never been able to look at the ocean the same way ever since."

"Ever since…what?" he asked. Gray just stared out at the water pensively, and after a moment Natsu shifted. "Oh."

Taking a tiny step forward so that he was as close to the water as possible without actually touching it, Gray looked down at the water flowing up by his feet and then receding back down the sand. Water had never bothered him before, but now every time he saw the ocean he thought of Ur.

"It shouldn't have ended up like this," he muttered, half to himself. "She shouldn't have had to… It should have been…" …me. But he couldn't say that, because Natsu was already worried about him. "It should have been different."

Natsu shot him a worried look, and Gray wondered if he had figured it out anyway.

"It sucks, but it was a long time ago. Sure, it's gonna hurt, but you're going to have to let go someday."

Gray almost wanted to smile at Natsu's frankness. "I know. It's been a long time, but I still miss her. I don't think that's ever going to change, and I'm not sure that I want it to."

He stepped out of his shoes and nudged them with one foot so that they sat side by side in the sand above the tideline. Then he turned and walked along the beach parallel to the shoreline, staying close enough to the ocean that the water would lap at his feet before receding again.

If Natsu found it an odd thing to do, he didn't comment. He followed suit, leaving his sandals beside Gray's shoes and keeping pace.

"I think that's normal," he said. "You loved her and she's gone now, so of course you still miss her. It's just that you should stop beating yourself up about it eventually."

Gray dug his feet into the wet sand as he walked, hyperaware of the damp grains between his toes and the soft sound of the ocean lapping at the shore. It wasn't comforting, per se, but it was something.

"Maybe it still bothers me because I wasn't always very good to her," he mused. "I cared about her, but… You know what I was like as a kid. I was a pain in the neck to deal with. She thought it was just because I was angry and broken after what happened to my parents, and I was. But I also sometimes resented her, and that wasn't fair to her."

"You resented her?" Natsu asked, puzzled. "Why?"

Gray hadn't really been paying much attention to what he had been saying, or he wouldn't have brought that up. That wasn't something he wanted to talk about.

"Nothing important," he said shortly. "But I guess… I wish I'd had the chance to tell her I was sorry."

"She probably knew."

"Probably," Gray agreed. "But I still miss her. I missed a lot of people over the years, even Lyon." A thought struck him, and he looked back at Natsu with new eyes. "Huh, maybe part of the reason you worry me so much is because you remind me of him."

Natsu looked instantly offended. "I remind you of a crazed psychopath who likes to resurrect demons and try to kill people in his spare time? Gee, thanks."

"He wasn't always like that." Gray looked back at the two sets of footsteps trailing behind them in the wet sand. A moment later, another little waved rushed up and they were gone. He grimaced and turned back around. "He was always obsessed with becoming stronger. Ur was his goal, his role model. It's like how you always keep trying to fight Erza and Gildarts. He wanted to get powerful enough to surpass her, and he trained really hard to try accomplishing that. When Ur died… That must have been when he started going off the deep end. He had been so focused on surpassing her that he didn't know what to do when she was gone.

"I don't think you'd go crazy like that, regardless of what happened. But… I don't know. There are similarities there that are hard to ignore, and I don't want to see your life get messed up the same way I messed up his."

"You didn't mess up his life."

"Well, he thinks I did."

A shadowy shape loomed out of the darkness ahead of them and Gray squinted at it, trying to puzzle out what it might be. They must have reached the end of this section of beach. He and Natsu had messed around here a couple of days ago, and they had eventually run into a pile of jagged rock slabs that extended a good ways up the beach and all the way down to the water's edge. Gray considered turning back around, but then decided that they might as well walk the rest of the way before heading back.

"I hope he learned something from Galuna," he added. "It would do him some good to find a guild or something and make some new goals. Maybe he'll figure out how to let go of his obsession and find something new to live for."

"I think he will," Natsu said grudgingly. "He was a real annoying bastard, but he seemed a little less psycho after Deliora fell apart."

Gray smiled faintly. "You can be a real annoying bastard too."

"Touché," Natsu conceded with a laugh.

"And you can annoy me just as much as he did. We used to bicker and brawl just like you and I do. Maybe part of the reason I didn't get along with you at first was because of how much you reminded me of him."

Natsu's face twisted in confusion. "You didn't like me because I reminded you of someone you liked? How does that work, exactly?"

Gray chuckled but then turned serious again. He slowed for a moment to drag one foot through the wet sand and then continued on walking, leaving the water to fill in the shallow trough behind him.

"I didn't come to Fairy Tail looking for friends," he said. "In fact, I didn't want them. I was grieving and angry at the world and wasn't interested in getting along with people. But it's hard to be a part of Fairy Tail without making friends."

He had come to the guild reluctant to get close to anyone else, but that was easier said than done. At first, the people he had grudgingly become friends with were those he realized were hurting too, and he had done his best to help them without letting them see how broken he was himself.

First, he had met a girl who seemed bubbly and happy, but who held some hidden sadness that she never fully explained to him but had something to do with her father, whoever he might be. She had been Gray's first friend in Fairy Tail. Then there had been the annoying, armor-clad girl who he had liked picking fights with until he found her crying by the riverbank. And then an irritating, loud-mouthed boy with the most ridiculous pink hair Gray had ever seen had joined the guild. He had seemed cheerful enough and full of life, but sometimes he would get a lonely look on his face as he absently played with his precious scarf, and Gray knew that he had lost someone important that he kept looking for but could never find. Then there was the man who seemed like nothing more than a happy-go-lucky flirt but was still haunted by a past he couldn't outrun, a past Gray suspected had something to do with a celestial spirit mage given his aversion to the breed.

Gray had known enough of pain and grief to recognize it in others, and he had been unable to ignore people who were hurting like him. He didn't think they realized it, but he had collected them and watched out for them.

"It was the people who were hurting that drew me in first," he said, deciding to just be honest. "I didn't like to see people hurting the same way I was hurting, so I did my best to help them: Cana, Erza, you, Loke, even Mira, after Lisanna…" He trailed off and took a moment to collect his thoughts. He didn't want to talk about Lisanna's death, because he knew it still hurt Natsu. "I guess I can't say why, exactly. Maybe it was a selfish way to make myself feel better. Maybe it was a distraction from my own problems. Maybe it was a penance of sorts." He sighed and glanced back out at the ocean. "I think that maybe it was because taking care of other people was easier than taking care of myself."

They were drawing near to the rock pile now. They were close enough that Gray could make out the individual boulders from the shadows, and he headed directly for it.

"I think that it was because you were still hurting a lot from everything that happened to you, and it genuinely bothered you to see other people in pain," Natsu said, scuffing his foot in the sand. "I think that you naturally want to help people, not out of any benefit you might get from it, but because you genuinely want to help them feel better for their own sake. But you know, even though helping other people is well and good, you can ask for help when you need it too."

Gray knew that, of course, but it wasn't always so easy. Maybe the reason it felt so weird to have Natsu looking after him now, the reason he tended to get so defensive, was that he was so used to hiding his own pain and helping his friends instead that it felt strange to be on the opposite side.

"Yeah," he said. "Okay."

They reached the mound of stone slabs and stopped short. Gray leaned against one of the rocks jutting out of the pile and stared out at the ocean pensively.

"When I was younger, I used to think I was cursed. I mean, I knew it was stupid, but sometimes I'd get the feeling that everyone I cared about was destined to die. I originally thought that might be why I was so reluctant to make new friends, but I'm not sure that's it, exactly.

"I think the reason that I didn't want to make friends was because I was scared. I was scared that I'd let myself care about someone and then they'd get hurt or die. If I didn't care about anyone, then it wouldn't hurt so much if something happened to them. I wouldn't have to risk another situation like with my parents or Ur. But then you all started worming your way into my heart, and it's really hard to stop caring once you start. So I started caring, and then I got scared."

He smiled over at Natsu sadly. "Well, there you go. Maybe this is what you were looking for when you asked what scared me. I guess everything else traces back to that. I was scared to care because I didn't want to get hurt, and now that I care, I'm scared of getting hurt again."

Natsu looked concerned and faintly horrified, but then he shook his head. "I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit. Yeah, you're probably scared of getting hurt again. If I'd experienced half the things you have, I'd probably be terrified of seeing something like that again too. I think that's normal. But you really care about us too. You're concerned for our safety for our own sake, not just because of the risk you might get hurt again. In fact, I think you're more concerned for us than you are for yourself."

There was truth in that. Gray did genuinely worry about his friends. But he also knew that he was scared of losing anyone else because he didn't want to get hurt again, and that seemed like a very selfish reason to be frightened.

Things had been much simpler and easier when he hadn't cared. Then his lips twitched upwards ruefully. He wasn't sure that there actually had been a time when he hadn't cared.

"I don't want to go back yet," he said.

Natsu blinked in surprise at the unexpected change of topic. "I guess we can stay out here a little longer if you want. We can always sleep on the train tomorrow."

"No, I meant that I don't want to go back to Magnolia yet."

Natsu just stared at him, and Gray found himself twisting his hands together uncertainly. He wanted to see everyone else, of course, but maybe not quite yet. He needed some more time to himself after tonight. Well, not to himself, exactly. He thought he might need more of this time out on the road with Natsu. It was just the right mix of adventure and fun and that little bit of comfort he was usually too afraid to ask for. This trip had fostered a sense of camaraderie and closeness that he was desperate to keep, and he was afraid it would fade away once they were back at the guild again. He wanted to hold on to that feeling for a little longer.

"I know we're supposed to go back tomorrow," he said, "but I just… I need a couple more days. Couldn't we just hang around here and find something else to do for another day or two? Just like one more day?"

Natsu's face was unreadable, and it made Gray nervous. His stomach twisted unpleasantly as the silence dragged on, and he was just about to tell Natsu to forget about it when his friend finally spoke.

"You know how you wouldn't let me burn down this mayor's mansion?"

Gray eyed him warily and nodded. "He's a jerk, but it's also his home and we really don't need to deal with Erza's wrath when we get back."

"Well, I did some snooping and found out that he has a summer mansion in the countryside. It's a couple of miles away from the nearest town, and it's currently vacant. Even the hired help is gone for now and won't be back until he decides to make the trip over there." Natsu grinned. "I have every intention of burning it down while I have the chance."

It took a moment for Gray to process that, but then he shook his head disbelievingly, amused by his friend's antics. "He was a real piece of work."

"He was. And I can't wait to teach him a lesson. What do you say, Gray? Want to come with me?"

Gray smiled a little. "I wouldn't miss it for the world."

Natsu's grin widened. "Awesome!"

In his excitement, he jumped up onto one of the jagged ledges of rock. And then kept right on climbing up the pile. Gray watched in bemusement.

"What are you doing?" he called up. "Come back down before you break your neck."

"I really wanted to climb this thing the other day," Natsu said cheerfully. "I want to be king of the rock hill!"

Gray shook his head in disbelief. He knew for a fact that those rocks were slippery and slick because of the waves crashing against them, and there were a lot of uneven and jagged surfaces. Natsu was tough and durable and could hold his own against a pile of rocks, but Gray thought it was a stupid idea anyway.

"Come on," he tried again. "I'd like to get some sleep, which means we're going to have to walk all the way down the beach again to get our shoes and then back through the whole city to get to the hotel."

"Yeah, yeah, you have no sense of adventure," Natsu shot back. Gray rolled his eyes and watched as he reached the top of the pile. Natsu stood on the tallest rock he could find and raised his fists in triumph. "I'm king of the–!"

He broke off abruptly as he lost his footing and went crashing back to the ground, banging into every rock on the way down. Gray cursed under his breath and hurried over to tug his fallen friend to his feet unceremoniously.

"Ow," Natsu complained.

"What were you thinking, flame brain?" Gray griped, looking him over for any obvious injuries.

"That it would be fun?"

Gray shook his head in exasperation. "Any broken bones? Bleeding?"

"Back off," Natsu grumbled, shaking him off. "You don't have to fuss. I'm just gonna have some bruises." He took a step forward and winced. "Okay, a lot of bruises. And also a black eye."

"Here, ice it down," Gray said, molding a small block of ice and tossing it over. Natsu caught it and, despite his grumbling, pressed it against his injured eye. "Right when you finally recovered from all the damage the shower inflicted on you. Apparently, all inanimate objects are out to get you now."

"Hey, don't tease," Natsu said, grinning toothily. "They're tough opponents."

"Oh, please."

"Besides, you don't have to keep mother-henning me. I still have some of that nasty-smelling goop you got for all the bruises the shower gave me. I think I'll live."

Shaking his head again, Gray turned away and started back down the beach. Natsu followed, snickering until his movements jolted some of his sore spots and made him curse under his breath. Gray slowed down so that the limping dragon slayer could keep up.

"Oh, hey!" Natsu said after a second. "I think one of my teeth is loose!"

Gray looked over to see him vigorously prodding a tooth with one finger. He was going cross-eyed trying to look down and see the tooth, which made Gray want to smack him for being so dumb since there was no way he'd be able to see anything in his mouth anyway.

"Put the ice back on your eye," Gray ordered. Natsu rolled his eyes but obeyed, still poking at his tooth with the other hand. "And honestly, why are you so excited about a loose tooth? They don't grow back, you know. You're going to have a stupid-looking gap in your mouth."

"Yeah, but it's like a battle scar, see?" Natsu said, grinning over at him. "People will ask me how I lost my tooth, and I can tell them the whole heroic story. I've always kind of wanted to do that."

Gray stared at him for a second, waiting to see if he'd crack and start laughing since he couldn't possibly be that stupid, but he seemed to be serious.

"You want to tell the story of how you were oh-so-heroically defeated by a pile of rocks?" he asked in scornful disbelief.

Natsu blinked at him blankly, and then a horrified look spread over his face. "Oh crap, I didn't think about that. I was just thinking that it would be kind of cool to have a missing tooth to tell a story about."

"I suppose you could always make up your own version of events and tell everyone that it got knocked out in an epic fight or something."

"You wouldn't give me away?"

Gray threw his head back and laughed, the sound echoing across the dark water.

"Of course I would!" he chortled. "I'm going to have so much fun telling everyone about how you knocked out a tooth while losing a fight with a giant rock."

Natsu's face fell. He poked at his tooth gingerly again. "You know, I don't think it's actually loose after all."

"You're such an idiot," Gray said in fond exasperation.

Natsu's smile returned full force. "Maybe, but you love me anyway."

The automatic reply of 'you wish' sprang to Gray's lips, but he found himself saying something else instead.

"Yeah, I guess so," he said. Natsu looked surprised by the admission, but then smirked and looked much too pleased with himself. Gray decided it would be prudent to take him down a peg. "Although goodness knows why," he added critically. "I haven't found a reason yet."

The statement didn't have the intended effect. Natsu's grin widened even further, and even Gray found himself smiling ruefully.

They both knew it was a lie.