Ah…sorry to keep you waiting?*starts to cry* Please don't hurt me. Uh it's been months since I've updated this…urgh. This is really short too. And old. And I typed it on my phone's Notes app. At 1 am. Also months ago. Anyway…have a pathetic attempt at continuing my stories! I'll try to update more, and I think I'll be able to since IT'S ALMOST SUMMER AHAHAHA! Ahem. Enjoy.
oO-Oo
Hide never let himself sleep before Kaneki did. If he did that, Kaneki would never sleep. It was simple: listen for the change in his breathing and then rest. But tonight the clock kept ticking and his boyfriend's chest didn't fall into the rhythm he listened for every night. The one that made his efforts seem like they weren't in vain. Today had been a bad day, so Hide wasn't surprised.
Hide had decided to keep tabs on the stability (or lack thereof) of his boyfriend's mental state. He would ask how he was feeling and Kaneki would respond with a number from 1 to 10. 1 meant that he felt good and had a good amount of sleep (relative to most nights). 10, on the other hand, meant that he would not be able to function for various reasons that day, including the very high possibility of a break down and nightmares that dragged him down.
That morning, Kaneki had woken up even earlier than usual and when Hide asked, he rasped out, "Seven." The latter would then tell everyone that Kaneki needed support and safe distractions to get him through the day. Safe meant whatever activity they engaged it didn't have the threat of a trigger. Things like reading with Hinami, picking flowers with Tsukiyama, cooking with Banjou, things that wouldn't bring on panic attacks, or worse, flashbacks. Every time Hide thought of the precautions they had to take to keep his love happy, he felt like he was cracking. Kaneki didn't look any happier and the only thing that hinted at progress is the dwindling amount of episodes. It broke his heart. But, at the same time it only made him more determined to try harder and be better. But, there is always a downside to these things. It goes like this: one step forward.
Two steps back.
oO-Oo
"I'm sorry," Hide was startled out of his daze. Checking the clock, he saw it was 3 am. "I'm so sorry."
"Kaneki? What's wrong?"
His voice broke, "I'm sorry you have to stay awake until I'm not."
"No- Baby it's okay. I don't mind."
"I'm sorry you have to stay with me and calm me down when I freak out," he paused, "over nothing."
At this, Hide sat up and turned on the light. Kaneki was trembling violently and on the verge of tears. "Look at me, Kaneki." He cupped the half-ghoul's face tenderly and stroked his cheek with his thumb. "I love you. This is what I'll do to show you how much I love you. I'm not good with words, you are. All I can do is show you with my actions, my love. This isn't your fault. None of it is."
"But I jus-just get in the way. You have t-to ask me how I'm feeling and when-whenever it's more than 5 I r-ruin your d-day because you have to t-take ca-care of me." He was sobbing now, little hiccups escaping his lips. He curled into himself now that he was sitting up. "But it's always a five!"
"Kaneki I don't- you're not a burden. No matter what you do or how you feel I'll be there. Even if it's just one a one that day I won't ever leave you."
"No, no, no, no! You can't love me! I'm fake! It's all fake! Even when we were younger that wasn't me- my mother wasn't a good person! She beat me and she died because of me, because I was so useless! I was a disgrace, pathetic! H-how could I even try to be part of my aunt's family? S-stupid. I'm not the person you love." He sobbed again, his body shaking with each one. The lights turned on outside and he knew Hinami and Banjou had woken up, no doubt having gotten used to listening for something like this. "I don't deserve your love."
Hide wasn't sure what would help. Despite not knowing exactly what would work he crawled forward on the bed and in one fluid motion sat Kaneki down on his lap. His legs folded over Hide's thigh that he could lean sideways into his boyfriend. One hand wrapped around his body with their shoulders touching and his hand resting on the shaking hip. The other brushed away the endless stream of tears with gentle fingers. "You are real, Kaneki Ken. I don't care who you are, you are my favorite person in the world. I will protect you for as long as we are together. Nothing in this world could ever make me stop loving you." Kaneki buried his face in Hide's neck, giving him the opportunity to breathe in the scent of the white-haired boy he held. He smelled like home, like everything in the world that gave him joy. "I will protect you," he repeated. The too tiny body in his arms heaved with another sob. Hide rocked him gently as he hummed a song Kaneki liked. It was soft and slow and sounded like a lullaby, just what they needed. Hide shifted and leaned against the headboard and placed his precious, fragile Kaneki right next to him. He curled around the love of his life protectively and (just a little) possessively.
"I love you so much, Kaneki Ken."
