I was hit in the face with inspiration at work the other day, and I ended up writing 3 pages of some pretty angsty stuff. whoops.
I feel like my chapters have been getting longer, which is interesting, I never really intended this to be more than just a series of ficlets, but i guess it's not really a bad thing.
I have a couple ideas on how to keep this going, trying to find a way to tie everything together.
It breaks her heart whenever Chat takes a hit for her.
Tikki had explained once that his suit was better designed for combat and defense. He always has a better chance of walking away from a brutal opponent than Ladybug would . Tiki hates the idea as much as Marinette, but she assured the young girl it's the way things have to be. Ladybug can't afford to get hit. She especially can't fall under the influence of an Akuma. Chat has no way of bringing her back.
Chat always puts on a brave face, reassuring her he's fine with a forced cheerful voice. But she can hear him straining, feel when he staggers from one too many bruises. Chat takes the physical toll of their work, she takes the emotional. Every injury Chat sustains under her watch is a piercing stab to her heart.
The more he gets hurt, the more she doubts her abilities. She should be stronger, better than this. Her partner shouldn't need to pick up her slack. Tiki scolds her when she contemplates passing the Miraculous to someone better; not just anyone can be Ladybug, they have to be carefully chosen, and Marinette is best suited to for the job. Despite Tikki and Chat's confidence in her, she still has lingering doubts.
She's faced with all of her fears when Dark Cupid shoots Chat with his arrow. Once again, he had thrown himself in front of her to block an attack, just before he had a chance to tell her something important. He had wrapped his arms around her protectively, but as soon as the arrow made contact, the gesture shifted with malicious intent. She broke away and he threw everything she had ever feared in her face.
Ladybug, I absolutely hate you.
I could never love someone like you.
You're weak without me.
You're an inconvenience.
You're the worst thing to ever happen to me.
My life would be far better without you.
She couldn't show weakness, not with Hawkmoth watching so closely. She hoped her face didn't betray her as his words sunk in, weighing heavily on her heart. She swallowed the persistent lump in her throat and blinked back tears as she forced herself to battle her beloved partner.
In her class earlier that day, they had discussed the magnitude of power and the common theme of "True Love's Kiss" in literature, and Marinette had gotten the insane idea to kiss her partner to break the spell. This Akuma took advantage of people's love for each other, perhaps the love she felt for her partner could be enough to save him.
So she tricked him into a kiss. The spell broke, and they finished the battle. Chat could scarcely remember what happened, just bits and pieces, but he insistently apologized, regretting every word that had left his lips after the arrow struck him. Ladybug had smiled and told him it wasn't a big deal, he should just forget about it.
Marientte would never forget.
She presses a pillow to her face, trying to stifle the sobs that rattle her body, Chat's harsh words echoing in her head. She doesn't want her parents to hear, but it's so hard to stay quiet when all she wants to do is scream. Tikki perches on her shoulder and nuzzles into Marinette's neck to comfort her as best as she can.
"Marinette, he didn't mean any of it. The Akuma's influence made him say the exact opposite of what he really thought. Chat really cares for you." Tikki soothes.
Marinette takes a few stuttering breaths,"Not now Tikki," she chokes out.
"I know this was a really tough fight, but you two made it out…"
"Stop!" Marinette shoves her face into her hands, Tikki flits away from her shoulder and hovers in mid air. Marinette shakes her head frantically and starts pulling at her hair in frustration. "I don't wanna hear it!"
Tikki puffs up, slightly annoyed by her friend's stubbornness. "Marinette, I know you don't believe me, but you are the best person to be Ladybug! There is no one else! You've already done so much for the city, I don't know why you keep getting hung up on things like this!"
"Why did you choose me?!" Her voice is raw, her lips quivers.
She clutches at the pillow on her lap, trying to control the few shuddering sobs that slip out. Tikki had seen Marinette at some of her worst moments, had known about the girl's deep ingrained insecurities, but she had never seen her this devastated. She looks so fragile, sitting hunched over, curling in on herself. Tikki thinks the girl could literally break in half with the weight of her sorrows crushing her.
She inhales shakily, her voice not more than a whisper. "Tikki, I'm…. I'm blind. I-I'm more of a liability than a hero." She swallows, contorting her face in such a painful way Tikki's heart sinks. "If I could… see like everyone else, I wouldn't be such a burden. I wouldn't keep making these mistakes… and Chat," She inhales again. "Oh god, Chat was right. He's better off without me."
Marinette tries one final time to keep her emotions in check but she breaks. She throws herself face down onto her bed and wails into her pink comforter. She fights to catch her breath, inhaling sharply in quick succession to force air into her lungs, succumbing to the grief that she's internalized for so long.
She lets it consume her, it soaks into her bones, steeps in her heart. She wants to melt into her mattress. Disappear so people will stop taking pity on her. Scream until her voice is gone and she won't have to keep reassuring everyone she's fine.
Because she's not fine.
She had never resented her disability before she became Ladybug. She had always known she was going to struggle more than most people. She was going to have to put in more effort than most, she was going to have to rely on others her whole life. She had just managed to get comfortable maneuvering through life and then she met Tikki.
Sometimes, being Ladybug felt like an awful joke. It felt like the universe wanted her to struggle just a little bit more. Give her the responsibility to protect Paris, but if she made a mistake, someone would get hurt. People could die. She had never wanted people to pity her. Even more so, she didn't want the constant reminder of how inhibiting her blindness could be. She knew. Other people reminded her daily, but she didn't need the added burden of Ladybug's responsibilities.
Tikki could do no more to comfort her then gently rub at the hand that clung to the bedspread. She sent out small doses of her magic to try to calm Marinette, hoping the young girl would tire herself out soon and sleep some of her troubles away. She was sure that one day she would be able to help her little bug truly see just how important she really was, but now was not the time. Marinette needed time to lament. With Ladybug's powers came great moments of joy and sorrow, and Tikki would always be there to support her bugs no matter what.
Sabine woke Marinette early the next morning, reminding her of the photoshoot. Marinette had almost forgotten, Gabriel Agreste had invited her to the photoshoot that was centered around her hat design. She considered just blowing off the event, but Adrien had been so excited she was attending, she couldn't let him down.
Marinette dragged herself from bed and went to the kitchen. Her parents noticed her red, puffy eyes and asked if she was alright. She lied and said she had a nightmare and didn't sleep very well.
Sabine helped her get ready, she picked a dark green swing dress with a high neck that Marinette had designed and pulled her hair into a sweet yet professional bun. Marinette had worn makeup only a few times for special events, it was too much of a hassle for her to try to put on everyday, but she didn't want to look as tired as she felt today, so she asked her mom if they could possibly do something to fix that.
Sabine argues that today is a special occasion, it's not everyday that her daughter gets to attend a photoshoot, so she applies just a touch more makeup to bring out Marinette's beauty. She hums a lullaby, occasionally softly singing some of the words.
Marinette smiles when she recognizes the tune. Her mother used to sing the song to her whenever she had a nightmare as a child. She had never learned Chinese, so she didn't know what the words meant but it still comforted her. She hums along to her mother's singing. Her mother's quiet, soothing voice warms her heart and calms her. She forgets her duties as Ladybug and her troubles for a short while and just simply enjoys her mother's company.
Sabine sets her work with powder and places the brush on the vanity table. She cups Marinette's cheeks and admires her daughter. She kisses Marinette's forehead then pats her cheeks affectionately. "Beautiful, as always," she says.
Marinette places her hands over her mother's and holds them to her face for a moment longer. "Thanks maman."
When she gets to the studio, she's escorted from the lobby to right floor. The elevator doors open and Natalie is waiting to take her to Adrien.
"Mari!" He calls when he spots her. The sheer joy is his voice helps improve her mood even more. He rushes to Marinette's side, someone calls out to him, demanding he come back, she's not done with his makeup. He takes her hand and walks her to his station. "I'm really glad you could come." He releases her hand only so he can sit back in the chair and allow the makeup artist to finish.
"I'm glad you're father invited me. Is he here?"
"He doesn't usually come to photoshoots. Typically, he works with the same photographers and they all know what he likes, plus Natalie handles everything at these events, so he never feels like he has to come."
"Oh, that's unfortunate. I wanted to thank him for inviting me."
"You can thank him the next time you see him. He asked me recently if you were going to come over again soon, he'd like to see some more of your designs."
Marinette gapes at him, "r-really?"
"Yeah! He was really impressed with your ideas for the suit and how cohesive your whole vision was. I told him Alya had taken photos of all your other pieces and he said he wanted to see them and discuss your design process."
"You're kidding…"
"Dead serious."
Marinette laughs in delight, she could almost cry with joy. "I can't believe it!"
Adrien laughs with her. "I told you you were talented." The makeup artist finishes and shoos them away. "Speaking of talent, the suit looks amazing with your hat. Your input was spot on."
"Oh good! I got nervous for a moment, I thought maybe I was wrong about switching a few things."
His fingers brush lightly along her knuckles, "do you wanna see?"
"If you don't mind."
He takes her hand and places it on the sleeve of the jacket. He grabs her cane from her other hand so she can utilize both. It's a beautiful lightweight suiting wool, perfect for warmer weather, Gabriel had certainly taken her advice about the outfit not being inhibiting for the wearer. She glides her hands up his arms to find the feather epaulettes at the shoulders. She fluffs up the feathers a bit, giggling at the soft, unnatural texture. They're obviously fake, considering the model has an allergy to real feathers.
She feels for the lapel next, decides that single breasted was definitely the right choice, it suits Adrien more and feels more playful. She's wants to see the button up shirt and vest under the jacket, she moves her hand up his chest to feel for the collar at his neck, but her hand brushes against his collarbone and he tenses briefly and flinches away slightly.
"I'm sorry, did I hurt you?" Marinette quickly draws her hand back.
Adrien grabs her wrist to stop her, "nah, don't worry. I have a bruise, it's no big deal."
"How'd you get a bruise there?"
"Oh… Um… You're gonna think I'm an idiot, but I fell out of bed yesterday and landed on a pile of textbooks. Hit me right in the chest, and a corner stabbed me in the collarbone."
Marinette smirks. "Want me to kiss it and make it better?"
"Oh! Ahh…" Marinette busts out laughing at his surprised, flustered tone. She's glad she came today. Adrien's company always makes her feel better. One of the assistant calls Adrien to the set, so he returns Marinette's cane and they make their way over.
Marinette sits patiently in a folding chair, listening to the frequent snapping of the camera and the hard bass of the music they've played to generate the mood. Some of the requests the photographer makes are a little outlandish. She's not sure how Adrien is supposed to convey the feeling "light as a feather" but somehow he succeeds, and the photographer snaps a hundred more photos. The commentary from the photographer is entertaining and time flies by as she listens.
At some point, Marinette's stomach starts rumbling. She can only imagine how hungry Adrien must be, he's actually doing work. She pulls out her phone and a small electronic voice tells her the time. She hears Natalie typing away on her tablet next to her and turns to address her.
"Don't you think it's time for a break? Adrien's been working for almost an hour now."
They tapping stops, "you're right, I hadn't realized it had been this long." Natalie stands and moves closer to the set. "Excuse me monsieur, but I think Adrien is due for a break." She calls to the photographer.
The clicking of the camera stops and someone turns down the music. "Ah yes, I could use a break as well. Everything was just going so well, I almost forgot. Everyone! We'll take a half hour break and then get right back at it!"
Everyone rushes around in a tizzy. The volume in the room increases and Marinette feels stranded in the sea of noise. She strains to find a familiar voice, something to focus on in the chaos of the crowded room. She jolts when a hand grips her arm lightly.
"Let's get out of here," Adrien says into her ear.
He leads them from the studio to an empty staircase just down the hall. He's gathered two small plates of food from the snack table, no one really eats a full meal at shoots, so they share the food between them.
"We're going out to lunch after this to eat real food, right?" Marinette pops a grape in her mouth. She pulls another grape from the bunch and tosses it into the air in Adrien's direction. She feels Adrien shift, aligning himself to catch the grape. His mouth snaps shut and he chews.
"Yeah, what are you in the mood for? Open." Marinette tilts her head back and opens her mouth. Adrien tosses a grape and it bounces off her nose. "Whoops!"
"Your aim sucks." She plucks another grape for herself. "Maybe pasta? We can sneak off and get you some carbs."
"Don't tempt me, Natalie would murder me for going off diet."
"I'll tell her you were a good little model and ordered a salad."
"Awww, you would lie for me?" Adrien says playfully.
"Of course, what are friends for?..." She trails off.
Adrien moves his plate from his lap and places it next to him then scoots a little closer. "Mari, what's wrong?"
Marinette scratches her thumbnail along the edge of the paper plate. She hadn't meant to think about last night again, but it had been a really rough night. It was one of those nights where she had started thinking about everything and reevaluating her life. She was hoping she could move past some of the darker thoughts she had, but they kept popping back up, moving to the forefront of her mind until it got to the point where it's the only thing she can focus on. They're dangerous thoughts. If any of her friends had similar thoughts, she would scold them instantly for even thinking such a thing and assure them they couldn't be more wrong. But she's never been one to take her own advice.
She lets out a long breath and pauses. He waits. "Why… are you friends with me?"
"There's a lot of reasons? What's this about?"
It's so hard for her to even ask out loud, her voice barely reaches above a whisper, "do you ever think I'm a burden?"
Adrien sucks in air harshly, "oh God no! Why would you think such a thing?"
"I started contemplating some things last night, and… I don't know, I started thinking maybe I was just a hassle to be around. Everyone does so much to help me out, and I can't really repay the favor. It doesn't seem very fair."
Marinette can feel his eyes on her. He moves to grab her hand and holds it delicately, just she had done for him many times before. "Do you remember when we first met?"
"Yeah, why?"
"You were the first friend I had ever made. I mean, I had Chloe, but Chloe had just decided we were going to be friends. Her friendship was more… superficial. She never treated me the same way she treated Sabrina. It never really felt real to me. But then I met you, and your friendship felt as real as it could get. I didn't know how to have friends or how to go to school, or do a lot of things. You were so patient with me and you helped me do so much. I used to worry I was a burden on you, so I tried so hard to pay back your kindness." He brings her hand to his face and places a kiss on her knuckles, her face flares at the gesture. "Your friendship is invaluable to me, I hope you know."
Marinette gives a small sigh of relief, "I know"
"And don't you ever doubt that."
"I should tell her."
Adrien anxiously paces around his room, constantly dragging his hands through his hair, trying to sort out his thoughts. He's been hiding this for too long, he needs to tell her the truth. Right? It's only fair. He knows, she might as well know. It would make life significantly easier for both of them, and they could finally be completely honest with each other.
Plagg watches the boy walk back and forth from the comfort of the couch. He nibbles on some camembert as his chosen mumbles to himself, weighing the pros and cons of revealing himself to his partner. He wants to suggest the boy stop pulling at his hair so much, he's gonna start ripping it out soon, and Gabriel will be cross about it. But it's not a priority.
"I think that's the worst idea right now." Plagg doesn't actually expect Adrien to pay attention to him, the boy is too engrossed in his own thoughts, so he's surprised when Adrien's head snaps up to him.
"I need to tell her!" Adrien throws his arm up in exasperation. "She's torturing herself right now cause of what I said under Dark Cupid's influence! If I just told her I was Chat Noir and I know she's Ladybug, I could tell her that everything I said during that time was a total lie. I could comfort her. And maybe I could finally tell her I….. L-love her."
Adrien had never actually admitted his feelings out loud. He had thought it about a hundred times, but saying out loud was a whole nother experience. Before the arrow had hit him, he had the crazy notion that he was going to tell Ladybug he loved her. It was ludicrous, honestly, but he had heard some gossip that had put him on edge and he just had to tell her.
Recently, Chloe told Adrien she had heard a very interesting rumor. Nathan was planning on asking Marinette out on a real date. Not a Hawkmoth sponsored date, but a real real date. Adrien didn't know if it was just a rumor or if the young artist was actually planning on asking Marinette out, either way, Adrien felt it his responsibility to protect her. He didn't want her to be the subject of gossip, and he definitely didn't want her to struggle emotionally. She couldn't agree to a date if her heart belonged to another, it just wasn't Marinette's nature. She would feel guilty for turning the boy down or accepting and thinking about her crush the whole time. It wasn't that Adrien was jealous, he just didn't want Mari to feel bad.
Okay, he was jealous.
Really jealous.
The idea of telling Marinette that he loved her was absolutely terrifying. He had been trying to work up the courage for a while, but this was way more than just a confession of love. He was going to have to tell her everything. Would she be disappointed when she learned he was Chat? Would she still have feelings for him after finding out who he was? Sure she liked Adrien, but they were just friends.
His jealousy had compelled him to tell her the truth. It would've been easier as Chat. He wouldn't have to reveal his identity quite yet. And something about wearing a mask made it easier for him to be bolder. He was confident that if he confessed as Chat he wouldn't be rejected, but he didn't have a chance to find out.
"Yeah, right. This is exactly what she needs," Plagg scoffs. "She's having a crisis right now, and then her best friend tells her he's Chat Noir, the boy she's not so subtly been crushing on, and he's known her secret for a really long time. That's gonna go down well."
Adrien groans loudly, collapsing onto his knees in front of the couch. He props his elbows on the seat and shoves his face into his hands then rubs at his temples, trying to ease the pounding headache that's built up from over thinking and stress.
He runs his hands down his face. "Plaaaggg, what am I supposed to do?"
"Well, for starters, you could stop doing stupid things like throwing yourself in harms way all the time."
"I can't just sit back and watch her get hurt. You said it yourself, my suit's better equipped to take hits."
"You gotta start looking for more ways to get both of you out of the way. Just avoid the heartache altogether."
"But what do I do to help her now? She's obviously really torn up about this."
"I think you handled it well today. Really kid, you said the right thing. I think she needed reassurance from her friend more than her partner." Plagg's not one to give praise often. Adrien's a little taken aback at Plagg's sincerity.
"You sure?"
"Paw-sitive, kid."
Adrien chuckles at the Kwami. He sometimes forgets Plagg's sense of humor is similar to his. The moment passes quickly when a realization hits him and his face drops.
"We have patrol tonight," Adrien dead pans.
"So? You usually look forward to patrols."
Adrien drags his hands through his hair then down his face. "Not when she probably hates me and I have no idea what I'm gonna say to her."
Plagg abandons his cheese to fly over and hover in front of Adrien. "Look at me," Plagg locks eyes with Adrien and holds his attention. "It's gonna be fine. Follow your gut, say what she needs to hear. And don't do anything stupid."
After transforming, Chat rushes to their meeting spot. She's already waiting for him, he approaches cautiously from behind, noting the way her shoulders are slightly more rigid than usual. She's nervous.
"Hey Chat," she doesn't turn to address him.
He falters for a second. God, she must really hate him. "Ladybug, can we talk for a second?"
"If this is about yesterday, I told you it wasn't a big deal."
"It is a big deal! I know I wasn't really in control yesterday, but I said some awful things. I really wish I could take them all back, but I can't..."
She finally turns, "Chat..."
"Let me finish," he holds up a finger to stop her, forgetting that the gesture doesn't really mean anything to her. "Everything I said yesterday was as far from the truth as you can get. You are absolutely incredible, I'm always amazed at how brave and strong you are. You do such wonderful things for Paris, and working alongside you has been an absolute pleasure. I'm in love with you, and being your partner is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. My life and so many other people's lives are far better because you are in it."
Her eyebrows furrow in confusion. Her mouth opens and closes a few times as she tries to decide what to say. "What did you just say?"
"Um.. People's lives are better because you're in it?"
"No, before that."
Chat tries to remember his little speech word for word. Had he said something to make it worse? He had spoken so quickly, trying to correct all of the awful things he had said. He reassured her she wasn't useless, that She's strong, she's needed. He definitely doesn't hate her...
I'm in love with you.
Oh.
"Shit."
Woah, plot twist! I wrote a cliff hanger!
I hate cliffhangers and promised myself I'd never write one, but I'm also a terrible liar...
my tumblr is malibumomner
come kick my ass
