I don't know when I started looking at Seth differently. I don't know when it was, exactly, that we became so close.

Maybe it was the talks we had when we first started touring, when all we could afford was one of those white vans that look like the kind a pedophile would try to lure children into. We managed to get one with bench-style seats (thank god, they're so much easier for actually fucking sleeping), and Seth and I would take up one seat while Sami would take another and Roman another, and while they slept we'd talk quietly about everything and anything. We talked about our interests, our childhoods, our hopes and dreams and all that cheesy shit.

Sometimes we'd write songs together, even though Seth still leaned towards pop music. I always thought the blend of his love for pop and my love for rock ended up being ten times more interesting than whatever shitty song my manager actually wanted me to record. Those songs were stowed away for a while, though, as our little secrets; we didn't release them publicly until our fourth album, and by that time, everyone knew.

I started to trust him. I'd never trusted very many people – my childhood personally hadn't been the greatest, and there was a small circle of people I genuinely trusted, which included Sami and Roman and did not include my manager.

But one night, when my manager had made the mistake of letting us stop at a gas station and buy whatever we wanted, Seth and I bought a bag of Cheetos and threw half the bag at Roman, trying to get each piece to stick in his hair, which he was so meticulous about. Once my manager had threatened to leave me behind for the sixth time and Roman looked like he was going to climb over the seat and strangle me, Seth and I shared the remainder of the bag, letting the moment speak for us.


There was one day we had before we started touring, when we were in one of the last rehearsals before our first tour was to start, and we were not getting along. For some reason, we were all cranky and irritable, and we were spending more time arguing than getting anything done, and my manager was on the verge of killing us.

When we tried to play a song, nothing sounded right, and we'd all end up blaming each other and the only one who stayed out of it and was being unusually quiet was Seth. He was sitting down by Sami's drumset, with his guitar on his lap, watching us, and I could feel his eyes on me when I finally snapped and had to take a break outside.

I was sitting on the curb outside the building, facing the door I'd exited through and left a crack open so I wouldn't get locked out like I had before. I was trying to clear my mind and wondering why the hell we weren't getting along today out of all days, when the tour was so soon, because if we couldn't get along before our tour started then we were fucking doomed.

And then the door opened and Seth stepped out, his guitar nowhere to be seen. His makeup was a little smudged and the silver glitter on his wrists was flaking off, but he wasn't focused on anything but me.

He sat down next to me, and we sat in silence for a few minutes, until he nudged me, poking an elbow into my shoulder.

"What?"

"Hi," he said softly.

"Hi." Even though I was irritated by what was going on inside the building, I tried to remind myself that I wasn't in the rehearsal room anymore, and Seth had nothing to do with it; Seth had been strangely quiet that day, and he'd done nothing about the arguments that had occurred. He hadn't joined in, but he hadn't tried to stop them, either.

"What's going on?"

"Nothing."

"That's not true. You and Sami and Roman have been at each other's throats all morning. What's the matter? Are you okay?"

His concern surprised me; he spoke not in a tone of false concern meaning get-the-fuck-over-it-so-we-can-go-and-actually-rehearse, but genuine concern, the kind that said hey, are you okay, I'm here for you, the kind that I wasn't very familiar with.

"Just stressed," I admitted. I'd never done a full-blown tour before. There was so much unexpected pressure, but I had to keep pushing when I was at my limit. But I felt like I was about to burst.

Seth nodded. "I get it. I'm stressed too, but I tend to show it in less-confrontational ways." He smiled, and for some reason, I wanted to smile too. I felt a little better with him beside me, whatever that said about me.

"Well, I tend to be a bitch when I'm stressed. So you're gonna end up seeing bitchy Dean Ambrose for the next… god, four months? Is that how long our tour is?"

"Four months, yeah. They're gonna be the worst four months of my life, putting up with your ass," Seth said, giggling.

Fucking giggling. Like a little kid.

I couldn't say it bothered me.

"If you're stressed, try not to stress so much," Seth continued. "I know that sounds dumb, but we're your friends. I mean, I know Sami and Roman are your friends… we're friends too, right?"

"Yeah. We're friends." I felt some kind of warmth in my chest at the acknowledgement, but I tried to ignore it.

"So… just think of it as one big road trip with your friends. With lots of music. And, uh, fans. I don't know about you, but it helps me."

"That might actually work. Thanks," I said, rolling the idea around in my head.

A big road trip with my friends.

That definitely worked.

"No problem," Seth responded, and we returned to a peaceful, easy silence. I had zoned out for a few minutes, but I returned to my thoughts when there was a pressure on my shoulder. I glanced over at Seth and realized he was laying his head on my shoulder.

What the hell? I wanted to ask, but I didn't say anything, and my traitorous body decided it didn't feel uncomfortable in the slightest.

My body also decided it wanted to no longer connect to my brain, because I blinked and my hand was in Seth's hair, almost stroking like I was petting a cat, and Seth was humming his appreciation, like a purring cat.

What the hell is going on here? And why am I okay with this? I don't touch my friends like this. Ever. Not even Roman, and he's like a brother to me.

But I didn't let go, and I didn't stop, and I didn't move.

I just let it be.