Three
Amanda stood up off the couch. "Okay, time for bed Allison." She said, holding her hand out to the little girl.
"Can Frannie come?" Allison asked.
Amanda smiled. "Sure. Come on Frannie."
Frannie, who was laying in her favorite armchair by the end of the coffee table, lifted her head, but stayed put, looking between her owner and her newest friend.
As soon as Allison climbed down from the couch and took hold of Amanda's hand, Frannie leapt off the chair and followed close behind as the pair walked down the hall to the bedroom.
As they passed the small kitchen, Allison waved to Olivia, who was putting away freshly washed dishes.
Olivia smiled brightly at the little girl, waving back at her. "I'll be in to say goodnight in just a minute."
Amanda led Allison the rest of the way down the hall. Allison climbed onto the bed and Frannie jumped up to settle by her feet, as Olivia came to stand in the doorway.
"We'll wash your clothes tonight so they're clean for tomorrow morning." Olivia told Allison.
Amanda pulled the covers up over Allison and leaned down to kiss her forehead softly.
"If you need anything, just come get us, okay?"
Allison nodded, hugging Teddy tightly. "Goodnight Manda, goodnight Livia."
Amanda smiled. "Goodnight."
Olivia waved from the doorway. "Sleep well."
Allison laid down and Amanda walked over to Olivia, turning off the light. She turned around in the doorway, Olivia wrapped her arms around Amanda's waist.
They stood together in the doorway for a few minutes before Olivia spoke quietly.
"Come on, she'll come get us if she needs us."
X-X-X-X-X
Amanda hit the start button on the washing machine and walked out of the small laundry room, closing the door behind her.
She walked over to the couch where Olivia was sitting.
Olivia looked up when she saw Amanda walk around the end of the couch.
"C'mere." Olivia said, patting the spot beside her.
Amanda sat down on the edge of the couch.
"Manda?" Olivia asked when the blonde didn't sit back against her.
Amanda took a shaky breath. "I need to tell you somethin', and I really need you to not hate me."
Olivia's eyes widened and she grabbed the remote to turn off the television. She shifted so she was right beside Amanda, her hand, rubbing her back gently.
"Baby what are you talking about, I could never hate you." Olivia told her.
Amanda sniffled. "You haven't heard what I have to say yet."
Olivia smiled sadly. "Okay, that's fair." She said softly. "Talk to me, Amanda, what's going on?"
Amanda shifted uncomfortably, trying to build up her courage.
When she finally turned back to look at Olivia for a brief moment, tears ran down her cheeks and she whispered three words Olivia never wanted to hear from her.
"I was raped."
Olivia's hand stilled on her girlfriend's back as she processed her words. Her free hand came up to wipe Amanda's tears gently.
"Manda…" She said softly. "C'mere." She said, holding her arms open to her.
This was all the invitation Amanda needed to launch herself into Olivia, clinging to her tightly.
Olivia's hand resumed its gentle motions up and down Amanda's back as she held her.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" Olivia asked.
Amanda sniffled. "No. But I need to tell you." She said quietly.
Olivia nodded. "You can tell me anything sweetheart. I'm not going anywhere."
She felt Amanda nod against her.
"We were at a fundraiser for work. He… he got drunk. I mean, I was a bit tipsy too, but he was drunk, I could smell it on his breath. He suggested that we were both too drunk to drive home, which we kinda were, so he suggested we just get rooms at the hotel for the night, so we could sober up. But when he came back, he said that everyone else must've had the same idea, because there was only one room left. He even offered to take the couch." Amanda paused, taking a deep breath.
Olivia could feel Amanda starting to tremble against her.
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." Olivia reminded her.
Amanda shook her head. "I do. I need you to understand."
Olivia kissed the top of the blonde's head softly. "Okay."
Amanda gripped Olivia's arm tightly as she continued. "When we got up to the room, he tried to kiss me. I rejected him, reminded him that he was married, and that it was inappropriate. He got angry. He slapped me across the face, told me he wasn't gonna take no for an answer, and he pushed me onto the bed. He climbed on top of me, and he ripped my shirt open, and I tried to get up but he…"
Amanda's hand moved up to the top of her head, grabbing a fistful of her own hair. "He grabbed me, and he slammed my head against the headboard… I was bleeding, I had to get stitches in the morning. He pushed up my bra, and he got my pants off before I could even realize that my head hurt… he ripped off my underwear… I-I begged him, Liv, I begged him to stop. He just put his hand over my mouth, and told me that it didn't matter, and that no one would believe me."
A strangled sob escaped the small blonde and Olivia lifted Amanda from her spot on the couch onto her lap, holding her tightly.
She kissed Amanda's forehead softly. "It's okay baby, you're safe now." She reminded her.
Amanda took a minute to get her breathing back under control before she continued.
"He pinned my wrists above my head, and he forced my legs open. I don't even know when he took his clothes off. I just… I gave up… stopped fighting. He was… I remember his weight on top of me… and sweat… and so much pain."
Tears kept falling down Amanda's cheeks as Olivia rocked her.
"I should've just gotten a ride, or a cab… I walked into it." Amanda said quietly.
Olivia shook her head. "You know it's not your fault baby. You fought back, you tried to get out of it." She said softly.
Amanda nodded silently.
Olivia kissed her forehead. "I love you so much."
Amanda shook her head. "I'm not done yet." She informed Olivia quietly.
Olivia's heart broke further. "What else happened Manda?"
Amanda shrugged. "I went back to work after a couple days, and I pretended like nothin' happened. Until about three weeks later… when I realized I was late." Amanda told her.
Olivia sighed deeply. "You were pregnant?"
Amanda nodded slowly.
Olivia squeezed her tightly. "Okay, so, you had an abortion? Is that… is that why you thought I would hate you?"
A fresh wave of tears flooded Amanda's cheeks.
"That's just it though. I-I didn't have an abortion." Amanda told her.
Olivia's eyes widened. "So you- you had a baby?"
Amanda nodded silently, looking down at the floor.
Olivia was shocked. "What happened to the baby?"
Amanda sighed. "After I found out I was pregnant, I got transferred up here. I wasn't supposed to start at SVU until October, I was due in September. But there were some problems, gestational high blood pressure… I went into labour in July, and I had a little girl." Amanda sniffled. "She was about five weeks early, but she was healthy. I didn't think… I couldn't give her the life she deserved. So I looked for an adoptive family. The agency told me she would be adopted quickly… she was a newborn, y'know, blonde hair, blue eyes, she was cute." Amanda trailed off.
"Was she ever adopted?" Oliva asked.
Amanda shrugged. "I don't know. There was a family. They seemed nice. I gave her up… after about a year, I started looking for her again, just to make sure she was okay. I found out that my parental rights were never terminated, so I don't think she got adopted. I thought that maybe if I found her, and if she didn't have a family already, I could get her back, because if I can, I want her Liv." Amanda told her.
Olivia nodded. "That's understandable."
"Would… would you." Amanda trailed off.
"Would I what, Manda?"
"Would you want her?" Amanda asked. "I just, I can't imagine my life without you, but -"
Olivia cut her off. "Of course I would want her Amanda." She told her firmly.
Amanda's eyes snapped up to meet Olivia's. "Really?" She asked, almost in disbelief.
Olivia nodded. "I love you, and she's a part of you. I want whatever you want baby."
Amanda nodded. "I want to see Allison's birth certificate." She said quietly, like she was still questioning her own decision.
"Allison?" Olivia asked. "You think Allison is your daughter?"
Amanda nodded. "She just… she looks just like I did when I was that age. I don't know how to explain it."
Olivia nodded. "I understand that Amanda, but… what if Allison isn't her? Do you know how many people give up baby girls in New York every year?"
Amanda nodded. "I know it's a long shot Liv, but I have to know."
Olivia nodded. "Her caseworker is bringing her file over tomorrow, but sweetheart, if you're wrong, are you still prepared to be a foster parent to Allison? Because if you're not, it's alright." Olivia told her.
Amanda took a deep breath. "Live, I promise, I'm not gonna go crazy and kidnap a little girl. I just wanna know if the universe is finally tossing some points back my way, and if not, I'll keep looking. But of course I'll still be a foster parent for Allison, that isn't what this is about, you know that right? When we decided to get a foster license, it was because we wanted to be a safe place. Even if it was only for a little while. I still want that."
Olivia nodded. "Okay." She said simply.
She lifted her hand to cup Amanda's cheek softly, pressing their lips together.
"I don't hate you." Olivia told her when they pulled apart. "I love you. And I think you're just about the strongest person I know."
Amanda felt a light blush creeping up her cheeks. She didn't feel strong at all, but when Olivia said it, a small part of her couldn't help but believe it.
"I'm sorry I didn't do anything to help you sooner." Olivia said suddenly.
Amanda's head snapped up. "What are you talking about?" She asked. "You didn't know, you could have done anything."
Olivia shrugged. "I remember, a few weeks after you started at SVU, we had a case, a girl was raped by her uncle, and you told me that something happened to you on the job, and that's why you had to leave Atlanta."
Amanda instantly knew what she was talking about. "Something not worth pursuing." She said quietly.
Olivia nodded. "I should've asked what happened."
Amanda shook her head. "It wasn't your job to make me feel better."
Olivia sighed. "No, but it was my job to help survivors." She said softly.
"If you had questioned me, I would've shut down." Amanda told her. She smiled a bit. "You did help me." She said. "We started sleeping together… not long after that case. You were the first person I was with after… I know we weren't exactly what could be called 'romantic' in the beginning, and it was fueled by bad days, and horrible cases, but you… you made me feel safe, and you helped me feel comfortable with my body again." She admitted.
Olivia, whose tears had spilled over by now, was touched, and honored. She had had no idea that she had effected the blonde so deeply.
"You know you're doing the same thing for me, right?" She asked. "I know I'm not… I'm not ready for sex again, but you make me feel safe."
Amanda smiled softly. "Thank you for listening." She said as she rested her head on Olivia's shoulder.
Olivia hugged her tightly. "Thank you for telling me." She said. "Can I… can I ask one question?"
Amanda nodded. "Okay."
"Who was it?" Olivia asked cautiously.
Amanda took a deep breath. "His name… his name is Charles Patton, and he's the SVU deputy chief with APD."
Olivia's heart dropped. "He worked SVU?"
Amanda nodded. "Still is."
Olivia's jaw clenched. "What a fucking-" she interrupted herself, knowing that anger wasn't going to help Amanda. "I'm sorry baby, I'm just… disgusted-"
This time, Amanda cut her off. "By me?" She asked, almost fearfully.
Olivia's feelings about Patton were instantly forgotten when she processed Amanda's question.
"Wha-no! Amanda, no, baby I'm not disgusted by you, don't ever think that! I was talking about him… he's meant to protect victims… do our job and he…" She trailed off, bringing her hand up to run through Amanda's hair gently.
Amanda nodded slowly. "I'm sorry… sometimes… the feeling is still there."
Olivia nodded. "I understand." She said softly. And she did. Even though it had been months since William Lewis had kidnapped her, twice, she felt it every day.
Amanda nodded sadly.
"Did you ever report him?" Olivia asked.
"I told Captain Reynolds. He told me if I'd been sober it would've been a different story. He said the deputy chief was out of line, sleeping with a subordinate, but he didn't see the harm in a little drunken sex." Amanda told her sadly. "After that I didn't bother to tell anyone else. Nobody would've believed me."
Olivia nodded. She knew there had been a reason she disliked Sam Reynolds the moment she laid eyes on him.
"I believe you." She told Amanda softly, kissing her forehead once more.
Amanda's jaw quivered as she felt fresh tears in her eyes. She clung to Olivia tightly as they spilled over, and managed a pained, mumbled, "thank you."
