Disclaimer: I own nothing below except the plot. All characters, locations, and concepts are owned under their respective copyrights.
Spoilers: Angel through Season 5
Timeline: During the season 5 episode "Time Bomb"
The Burden
Chapter 4: To wait in heavy harness
Winifred Burkle couldn't sleep.
It wasn't for the usual reasons, she used to be scared some demon would find her and take her as a slave, or she used to be plagued by dreams of a strange place with wondrous things, like tacos. That place couldn't exist. So she avoided sleep when possible.
Now she was not scared, she was in fact safe. Nor was she haunted by fairytale dreams of a far off place, she had proof now that the place existed.
No, she couldn't sleep, because she had all the sleep she needed and more.
The reason for this was her new companion. He was strange. He came ready to survive in this hellish place, yet he had hoped to make a deal that would allow them to live even better. He was thoughtful and knew how approach situations in the most efficient way, and yet she had seen evidence that this was not always so. She had glimpsed the round scar of a bullet wound at one point. And the ever visible scar that bisected his neck.
Then there was his reaction to her. He cared about her, that much was obvious, it would be even to her previously cow slave thinking mind. He had brought her things she knew were hers. He must have known her from before. He said he was from the future, and she was part of his life in some way, he had even said he loved her.
She no longer wore rags, because he had brought her real clothes. She used to sleep, when she actually slept, on stone and animal skin, now she slept within a sleeping bag.
There were also his actions. He had put what he called a "Sanctuary spell" on the cave, so that no harm could come to anyone inside. He had demonstrated this by trying to push her down. He had been thrown across the cave after a flash of light. Fred was glad he had done that, as his other responses worried her.
It had only been a couple of days, and since their first conversation, Wesley had become withdrawn, being brief in talking with her. The most unusual thing would happen when he would look at her. He always started with a slight smile, and his eyes dilated for a millisecond. Then his expression would shift to one of shock, and then to a burst of rage before he was able to regain control and take on an indifferent look. There was also her name, when he addressed her, he called her Winifred. Now she didn't know why he would do that, he must have known she preferred the nickname Fred, yet he always said her proper name.
However, none of these things were more worrisome than the fact that Wesley was seeing people who were not there, seeing and talking to them, he would not talk to them while she was awake. But when he had thought she was asleep, he would whisper to these people. He didn't want to wake her up. So Fred knew he wasn't delusional, he was still aware of who and where he was.
What Wesley hadn't realized was that Fred wanted to listen to him. So she feigned sleep, the first night he had been angry and resigned with whoever he was talking to, saying this among other things "Yes, I failed yet again, but it will be different this time." and then later "Well, I guess you were right, I should have been a better role model, that I wasn't, I am truly sorry, but you've got to admit you were a rather troublesome girl."
The next night he was more subdued, seeming to accept whatever it was that was happening, his illusory companions changed as well, Fred had heard him say this to one "I was a terrible ponce when I arrived, still wet behind the ears, what an idiot I was." And later he became more morose as if he was speaking with some tormentor "Perhaps it would have been better if I had never showed up at you're office. I should have guessed it would turn out badly when you swatted that crossbow away so easily. I should have stayed on the road, then maybe Connor would be a little boy instead of what happened because of me."
The next and thus previous night he had one long conversation, that was concluded by this statement, Fred found it confusing, "In the end, you should kill me like you promised, if only that bullet had done the job for you."
Currently Wesley and Fred had retired to their respective spaces. Wesley insisted on having his spot in a way that gave him a good view of the entrance to the cave. Fred had set her sleeping arrangements so that she was in an alcove which looked out into the rest of the cave. Should anyone come in, she would be hidden and able to surprise them, should it become necessary. She watched Wesley, who couldn't seem to sleep either. He was sitting with his back against the cave, as if he was ready for another conversation.
Fred was getting tired of this, one of her wishes had come true, she now had a friend, all of her earlier friends in this place had been taken away in one form or another. But he was so closed off to her, it was like he was having regrets about being here. He had told her he chose to come here, and from what he said, he couldn't go back. Fred looked at Feigenbaum, if Wesley wouldn't open up, she could always confide in her first friend. He wouldn't talk much either, but she knew that, with Wesley there were some minimal expectation's that he was not yet meeting.
"C'mere you little rascal, I hope you like listening, cause I'm gonna give you an earful." Fred grabbed the bunny and held him close, whispering, idly wondering if the man in the cave could hear her.
If she could see inside Wesley's mind, she wouldn't have wondered, he was very aware of everything she did. Every word she said. Those two things turned out to be a problem. Every time he looked at her, his mind and body went through the same thing that had happened when he had first awoken to her shaking and staring at him. He thought at first he was seeing the woman he had come to love, then there was the instant transformation into Illyria, and finally she reverted back to who she actually was. This all happened very quickly. He hoped Fred wasn't aware of it, he didn't want to worry her.
If seeing her was hard for him, hearing her had turned into a form of unique pain designed solely for him. Within every exchange, there were expressions that caused memories to surface, she couldn't have known, and the memories only served to drive home the point that this woman was Winifred Burkle, but could never be Fred, a name and soul he had come to cherish. In order to deal with this unknowing assault on his mind, he sought to limit his interactions with her. He had to regain control somehow, he just wasn't sure how to do that.
He knew something was wrong because of his daily visitors. He knew they were just serving as an outlet for him, allowing him to voice his various forms of insecurity. The first night it was his father and Faith, two people for whom his failures were expected, He was supposed to be an incapable watcher, and hadn't he proved that he was to his father by his spectacular failure with Faith, his later successful work with her didn't wipe away his incompetence.
The second night was filled with the disparaging and encouraging words of Giles and Angel. These two, Wesley knew, were who he was trying to be, first as a replacement watcher and then as an ally and eventual friend. Again though he had failed miserably with both cases.
The third night was surprising as it only involved one person, Gunn. And the subject was Fred. Wesley had a new appreciation for his once friend. He knew how Gunn felt about her and it hadn't mattered. Wesley knew his decisions had broken both his friendship and their relationship, thus his disappointment that Gunn hadn't followed through on the threat to 'kill him like a chicken' after Fred had died. He had failed her as well, and thought he deserved to be further punished. He knew it was his actions that led to her death. It was indirect of course, but he was still responsible.
He wondered now who would be his next outlet, it could be any number of people. He expected to be haunted and harangued by Cordelia, who could be counted on to point out what was going on. That he really shouldn't be seeing and talking to people who weren't there. He smiled sadly when he thought of her. Yet another young life, full of promise, ended because of a petulant higher power who wouldn't stay in her own dimension.
Fred saw his smile, different from the ones he gave her, and wondered 'What is he thinking about? I can see he's not right, and he is barely holding it together. I wish he would break one way or the other. I could deal with a fully crazy person.' Fred looked at the bunny she was holding and whispered "Well, what could we talk about, I could tell you about what I've been up to since I left, but that might take all night, oh screw it, I've got time."
Wesley heard the whisper and the 'oh screw it' from Winifred, and Fred got her wish, instead of the usual memory that would surface, Wesley found that he wasn't in the cave anymore. He found himself sitting on the bed in Fred's apartment. He was surprised, he knew this time and place, Illyria's presence confirmed what he thought, it was just after Fred had died. He was drowning in grief and fine scotch, and the accursed demon who had caused her death was always around. It was one of the few times he had sought to use the bed, he preferred to use a chair facing the window. The bed held too many reminders of death, while the chair let him avoid looking at Illyria. By this point his tears had not all been spent.
Fred tore her eyes away from Feigenbaum, to see those tears streaming down Wesley's face and she thought 'Oh no, now what, when he first got here, he was crying after I walloped him and he was sleeping. What does this mean?'
What it meant was that the cracked glass that was Wesley's mind, that Lorne had seen earlier, had suffered its final strike. It had been hit repeatedly for days now, with Fred providing the hammer. Finally it had shattered and fallen.
Wesley didn't care that he was no longer in the cave, he was certain he was in the room and decided to lie down on the bed. Back in the cave Fred saw Wesley drop on his side and curl up like he was preparing to sleep. She heard him say evenly "What do you want now, you damnable smurf, what could you possibly need to know?"
Wesley was speaking with Illyria who responded "That you do not address me as required by my stature and glory, you deserve to be gutted and flayed, however I agreed to abide, I will overlook your insolence this time, now to my question, what is that contraption with those strange symbols next to you?"
Wesley looked at the 'contraption' and he looked back at Illyria "That, Oh great Illyria, is a clock-radio. The symbols are the current time of the day, as thought of by us lowly humans."
Illyria moved towards the strange device "What is this 'radio'?"
Wesley sighed "It is a means for transmitting information over long distances."
"What sort of information?" Illyria had moved to stand over Wesley.
Wesley was forced to stare up at her, a situation he found distressing "Many kinds, most involving entertainment of one type or another."
"I wish to be entertained, in my time, lesser beings would fight to the death for my amusement." Illyria motioned to Wesley, who turned on the radio and the middle of a song filled the room.
If only I could stay asleep, at least I could pretend you're thinkin' of me
'Cause nighttime is the one time I am happy, you see in my dreams
Illyria looked sharply at the radio "What is this noise and words? And why does it cause you further grief?
"It is called music, it's designed to entertain, and art sometimes stirs emotions. Those words remind me of what's been lost and what I continue to endure." Wesley looked away from her.
Back in the cave Fred was wondering at his words 'What was lost? he's acting like someone died.'
And in the room the song continued as Illyria pondered out loud "You speak of the shell, of a life barely lived, she still binds your heart and haunts the rest of you?"
"Yes." Wesley could only choke out as he turned his attention back to the song.
I keep hopin' one day I'll awaken, and somehow she'll be lying by my side
And as I wonder if the dawn is really breakin'
She touches me and suddenly I'm alive.
And suddenly Fred saw Wesley sit up, stand up, and turn to face the wall of the cave.
For Wesley, he found himself in his last happy moment, he was standing with Fred on the stairway in Wolfram & Hart. It was different from his memory, as she had just wiped his tears away. And then her voice hit him as she sang yet again "You make me happy..." And Wesley braced for the next moment when he knew that happiness would turn to horror.
But the horror never came as Fred was still there smiling at him, and he whispered in disbelief "F-Fred?"
And Fred seeing the look in his eyes, her hand still wet with his tears, and the tone of his voice "That's right, I'm here."
"This can't be real. Your gone, they told me all that you are was consumed?" Wesley couldn't help the quiver in his voice.
Fred lost her smile, reached out, and took his hand in hers "It is real, you needed to see me one last time, and how would they know what happened to me, what killed me had never happened before, so what else could they say, except what they read in some dusty old book."
"I am so sorry, I thought you were gone, if only I had looked..." He stopped and kissed her hand, and still held it.
Fred touched his cheek in turn "Wesley, you couldn't look, again my fate was unique, unprecedented, and besides, the way everything turned out, it's better than the path you were on. I am gone, dead, Wesley, you need to let me go."
"How can I? I don't want to forget you." At this point Wesley had grabbed and hugged her briefly before letting her go.
Fred was misty-eyed now "Wes, you don't have to forget me, but you do have to stop letting me destroy you, now look behind you."
Wesley did, and saw that the Wolfram & Hart hallway melded and morphed into the cave in Pylea, he also saw that the other Fred was sitting up and looking at him with concern. He turned back to his Fred "But she will never be you."
"Thank goodness, we both know what happened to me. Wesley, both her and me are the same person, at the core, the only differences we have is our experiences. Certain things will never happen to her now, but only if you stop this. Please Wesley, for me and for her, you need to pull yourself out of this." Before he could respond Fred had moved to kiss him, she poured every drop of affection she could into it.
Inside Wesley's mind, the shattered pieces of his sanity reformed back into a solid pane of unblemished glass. And Wesley breathlessly said "You have to go?"
"Yes, I do, know that I'll always watch you, and that I love you, but you must be there for her now. Don't be scared, It's going to be okay, This is the only time I can help. We won't see each other again." Fred's hand's were losing their warmth.
Wesley sought to memorize every detail of her, he wished there was more time, as he would commit all of her to memory if he could. As it was he touched every part of her beautiful face. He stroked her hair, caressed her cheek, kissed her closed eyes, and found his way to her lips, he unwillingly tore himself away and questioned desperately "Why can't you stay? Even as a spirit?
"No Wesley, I can't, I would only bring you back here. I can't see you go through this again, Promise me, that you'll live." Fred was rapidly fading.
Wesley was still holding her hands, and he looked at her "Fred, my love, I swear to live and let you go, no, please wait!" as she left for the last time. And Wesley let himself give in to his grief, long held back.
Back in the cave, Fred was feeling sympathy towards Wesley, he had broken as she wished, and he had reformed and broken another way. He was silently weeping, he had his head pressed again against the wall of the cave, still recalling a world bereft of a bright soul. He became aware of a hand touching him, it was not unlike the hand he had just held. The warmth was the same, but the skin was rougher. And a voice called to him "Wes, are you alright?"
Wesley was mindful of his vow, and turned to the soft voice. "Yes." And Fred saw that he looked at her without his earlier confusion "Fred." And she heard her name. "I am okay, now." And she looked into his eyes and saw no distance, just acceptance, of her and of himself. She had received her other wish.
"Who're talking to? Just before all the waterworks?" Fred stepped back, wondering how he would explain, she had certainly heard her name, and his many plea's, and his interactions with nothing that she could see.
Wesley took a step towards her, which she matched with a step back, "Just someone I never thought I'd see again, and who told me something that I had forgotten."
"You said my name, were you seeing me?" Fred moved to make sure the small fire in the cave didn't go out.
Wesley considered his next words carefully "Yes, I was, she let me see what I could not, and I am sorry, you didn't deserve my scorn or I daresay my contempt. You are who you are, and could be nothing else."
"So when you looked at me these past days, you were seeing her when you smiled?" Fred look up at him from where she was kneeling.
Wesley moved further into the cave away from wall "Yes, and you deserve smile's of that sort, but not from me."
"What do you mean? You have feelings for her me, don't you feel anything for me me?" Fred stood up with a flustered expression.
Wesley found it endearing, no matter where and who she was, Fred couldn't help looking and sounding cute, even if she wasn't aware of it "Fred, I care about what happens to you, but I said I was in love with her, I can't even begin to approach that sort of devotion, I will probably never do so again."
"I'm sorry, I wanted, oh I don't know, does this mean we can talk more now, like two normal people?" Fred was hopeful. She didn't want the near-silence to return.
Wesley moved back to where he usually slept "Yes, I would be glad to, I want to say thank you for putting up with me these past few days, I must have been quite off-putting and I apologize."
Fred moved over to him and re-arranged his bed, which was little more than some leaves held in place by branches, Wesley used his coat that he wore through the portal as a blanket. "Um, you weren't yourself, course I wouldn't know who yourself was, but there was something going on. Anywho, you need to get some sleep, I've seen, you haven't been sleeping well."
"You've seen? And heard I suppose, I am sorry if I worried you, it wasn't my intention. Could you do me one favor? Wesley moved to lie down, and tried to get comfortable.
Fred stood and shifted nervously "Alright."
"Could you say 'it was all for nothing'" Wesley was feeling onrush of sleep.
Fred blinked at the strange request but went ahead with it "It was all for nothing, like that?"
"Yes, thank you, yes." Wesley was relieved, he was expecting to relive a terrible memory, but for now at least, he was spared the memory as he drifted off.
Fred moved back to her alcove with the thought 'What was that about?' she looked back at Wesley, noting he was already asleep, snoring, and she further pondered 'What happened to him, and what happened to me? I'm going to find out.'
