~5~

Waking up is like dragging the weight of her body from beneath quicksand. Her head swims and she feels worse for wear as the dim lights above her focus in her sights. Instantly, she hears someone inhale sharply and her head lolls from one side to the other as her strength gradually comes back to her. Spinelli's downcast demeanor to one side, then Maxie's red rimmed eyes on her other churn her insides. Lulu's mind is bringing up a blank. "What happened?" Her voice barely reaches a whisper as she notes her sandpaper throat.

"The fair blond one experienced a rather harrowing mel-"

"What Spinelli means is," Maxie cuts into Spinelli's words, voice unusually quiet and words far from spirited. "You didn't take it so well when Dr. Finn announced... Johnny's death."

Lulu pushes herself up against the head of the bed, pressing tighter and tighter against it as her head moves from side to side in a frail shake. Neither Spinelli nor Maxie's expressions change and her chest caves inward as she loses her breath. "It can't be real. It can't be, please," she begs feeling hot tears overflow. She brings her hands up to try and muffle her sobs, curling up for a moment as waves of anguish wear away at her. Johnny was just there, kissing her, loving her, and promising her a future.

And now she'll never experience another moment with him.

Sucking in a feeble breath, Lulu looks to her friends more than willing to give her support and pleads, "Please, take me to him. I want to see, Johnny."

Spinelli reaches to assist her out of bed, his motions in haste then gentle when he has an arm around her. "Of course, fair Lulu."

Lulu makes a valiant attempt to to cage her cries or at least lower them to sniffles as the trio emerge from the room. However her feet pull them to a stop when she notices Dante fidgeting outside of her room. Their eyes meet and the guilty desperation weighing his gaze shifts memories in her mind that nearly make her recoil. Dante's mouth opens and Lulu tugs on Maxie's arm looped through her own and yanks on the front of Spinelli's hoodie in her desire to speed ahead.

"Lulu?"

"Not now," she interrupts Maxie in a voice vaguely resembling a hoarse strength. "I just need to see him."

There's a lot that needs to be said between her and Dante. But as the elevator doors slide shut, sealing off her view of him, her roiling emotions toward him are put on the backburner for ones far more pressing.

The elevator jolts to a stop. The cheery ding it gives contrasts with the dismal and overall bleak feel the hall before displays. In reaction, Lulu bites her quivering lip when her friends carefully guide her through it. The situation is almost reminiscent of her stay at Shadybrook except now it's her heart that's not all there, not her mind.

Before she knows it a door appears before them and Spinelli steps ahead to knock insistently upon it.

"Carly's already been to see him. We've kind of just been waiting for you," Maxie explains thickly just before the door swings open.

A graying man in a white coat looks down upon them through circular spectacles. "What do you three want?"

Spinelli's hands move in pacifying gestures as he moves to quickly explain, "Our friend here most urgently needs to see the, um, recently deceased. He was very important to her and as you can see she's, well, heartbroken." His hands come to lay upon her shoulders and Lulu releases a ragged breath while blinking through her tears.

The lines around the man's eyes soften considerably. "He was just brought in. Take as much time as you need." He removes himself from the opening of the doorway.

Her blood is frigid in her veins leaving a constant tremble throughout her frame. Despite this, Lulu gives a jerky nod of thanks to her friends before leaving their sides. Stepping into the room is like entering another world, one where everything is glaringly bright and clear and nothing can hide. Johnny lies nearly as white as the sheet that covers up to his neck, his face lax as if in sleep. She comes to stand over him, face contorting as his unmoving chest tells a different story.

Lifting a quivering hand she runs her fingers through the soft waves of his dark hair and lowers her heavy body into a cushioned stool right beside him. Her eyes never leave his face as her fingers work through his hair over and over. "I can't believe this happened. I can't believe this is real." Her other hand begins to trace his eyebrows, his shut eyelids, the ridge of his nose, the swell of his cheeks, his cleft jaw, and the purse of his lips with tender fingertips. The need to remember his every feature is consuming.

Her lips form a cracked, wet smile as she cups his cheek. "I keep thinking, what could've prevented this? And the answer is simple: Me. If I hadn't convinced you to come back to the Haunted Star, you wouldn't have gotten shot." Her voice is wrought with remorse as she curls towards him. "You're here because of me and I'm... I'm so sorry."

When he doesn't react, pulling her into his arms to explain away her guilt with one of his well thought out answers like she's used to, her sorrow becomes all she knows. With a sniffle, Lulu brings her hands down to grasp his where she massages her thumbs into his skin. "I wish this cold was something simple I could make go away. I would hold you through it until you felt better. I would hold you forever if they let me." Her voice quivers and wobbles until it breaks around the room as she searches for his scent, a hint a warmth, a lingering sign that his soul is there with hers... and comes up empty.

Her voice becomes tiny and shaken as she leans her forehead against his. "I love you so much, Johnny. I don't k-know how I'm gonna leave you like this. I can't just bust you out of here with a gun." Her shoulders shake as she closes her eyes through the emotion cutting her to pieces. "I'm never really leaving this place am I? The bright lights, the shiny instruments, the frigid table..." She punctuates each word, then digs her teeth into her lip before whimpering, "and eventually the casket underground. Wherever you go, I'll be there in the back of my mind, waiting for the day when you and I can be together again."

Slowly, as light as a graze of wind, Lulu drags her fingers down the sides of his face then pours every once of love into a lingering kiss. Then after a long moment she pulls back a breadth, wipes her teardrops from his face, and breathes, "That's the fate I chose for us. I just hope you can forgive me for it, Johnny."

She's not sure how long it takes her to pull completely away, but eventually some strength, fast fading, allows her to lift up from her seat and painstakingly turn away from Johnny. It's only when the door clicks shut behind her does the will to leave dissolve. She nearly whirls around to dash back into the morgue except Spinelli catches her around the shoulders and waist resulting in her heaving cries. "How do I do this!? How do I just leave him there alone!?"

Maxie moves in front of her, taking a grip of Lulu's upper arms in a show of empathy. "I understand what you're going through. When Georgie died, the pain weighed on me like a million tons of cement. Everywhere I went I was reminded of things she liked, things she did, things we did together... " she shakes her head as her eyes become watery in remembrance. "I couldn't stop thinking about how much time she still had left that was taken away from her. I didn't want to let her go. But it took me a while to realize staying stuck in the pain of losing her isn't what she would want." Maxie's eyes harden as her tone becomes serious. "The grief is agonizing at first, but you learn to live with it. You learn that living is what they would want from you and how you keep them alive." She points to the spot where Lulu still feels horribly hollow. "Right there inside of you. Johnny wouldn't want you to put your life on hold for him, Lulu. You know that."

Lulu sniffles, expression crumbling as nods, trying so hard to believe Maxie's words.

Maxie hugs her, brushing a hand down her unkempt hair. "Come on, let's get you home and cleaned up."

Lulu allows them to guide her away despite the yearning in her soul that pleads with her to stay.

~.~

That morning she'd awoken to the headlining news about the "Mob Prince" Johnny Zacchara's funeral set for that day after having recently been gunned down for good. Lulu had suddenly developed a new deep seated hatred for journalists.

The funeral procession had been small with those having shown up the day he died being the only ones in attendance with the addition of Olivia Falconeri and Michael Corinthos III. The police had supplied security as a buffer to the press—she suspected as a courtesy of Dante. The entire ceremony was like being slowly buried alive and she didn't really notice the suffocation until they closed his casket, sealing Johnny away from her forever.

The burning stitch in her chest hasn't really solved itself since. In fact, it feels worse as she leans against the side of his headstone erected from the ground. But she figures she'll learn to get used to the devastation as Maxie said. That or she'll get better at lying to herself that she is.

She uses the tip of her finger to trace each letter of his name silently as the sunlight glints off the wetness of her cheeks.

Johnny Anthony Zacchara

November 22, 1983 - July 5, 2012

A man with a soul of beauty and a love worth cherishing. His wild spirit and incredible heart will live on through those closest to him.

Lulu smooths her black dress over her folded legs before fingering the bright red roses on the freshly placed dirt. "I know you loved your mom, well Maria, I guess. I mean she was the mom you knew. So I figured I'd bring some of her favorite roses from your old home." She pauses and looks to the silver headstone as if expecting Johnny to materialize and give her an odd smile in answer.

She looks back down to wipe moisture from her eyes. "Gosh I hope this isn't weird. I mean, this is going to be our new meeting spot after all, so get used to me talking your ear off."

The leaves in the surrounding trees sway gently in the summer breeze carrying along a mix of sweet floral scents and warm earth. It makes her shoulders sag and her eyes droop with exhaustion. "I haven't slept well since that night. Maxie has been really great through this whole thing, and not really asking me why I've been filtering my phone calls from Dante to her. But I think I'm ready to talk to her about what happened."

"You mean what you think happened that night," the shadow crawls over her from behind before Dante emerges in full view.

Lulu stiffens and curls her fingers into fists atop of the grass. "I'm not ready to talk to you," she tells him frank with an edge to her voice.

Dante shifts his weight as he lifts his eyebrows in disbelief. "At this rate you'll be ready to talk after you've given the police your statement."

"And you want to know what I'll tell them." Her words burn with acid.

"I just want to explain—"

"No need," she spits the words in a pained hiss. "You wanted Johnny gone. Well, you made that wish come true," she sweeps her arms out in a grand gesture, wishing she could feel satisfaction at his recoil, but instead there's a distinct lack of anything.

"That's not what happened," his slow enunciation of each word makes a pressure squeeze against her chest and build behind her eyes.

"Oh really!? So you didn't hear Johnny screwing your wife and decide to wait for the right time to put a permanent end to it?" Her words are piercing cold as she stares him down.

Dante looks away seemingly collecting himself before shoving his hands in his pockets. "So you admit it."

Lulu laughs a broken twisted sound while wiping at the moisture building on her cheeks. "That we were together that night? Yes. I was going to tell you our marriage wasn't working, but you put a supposed end to our problem before then."

Dante squats before her, gaze beseeching in the anguish brimming in his eyes. And all Lulu wants to do is curl up against Johnny's headstone, the closest she can get to him since she'll never have his arms to comfort her again. "Lulu did you ever really love me? Because I thought we were pretty happy together."

"Of course I did. We were. Just..." Her eyes catch the engraving again.

Johnny Anthony Zacchara

November 22, 1983 - July 5, 2012

And it feels as her whole chest was just blown out in a quick dose of excruciating reality all over again.

"Just not the same as with him," Dante finishes choked, over her cries.

When she can't regain her composure enough to respond he continues, "If what we had meant anything to you, let me tell you what happened that night, Lulu."

The breath she takes is anything but relieving. She gives a nod anyway, agreeing.

"Since you didn't come home, I figured you'd either be at Zacchara's penthouse or the Haunted Star. There was no answer where he lived so I went to the boat." Dante lets out a breath and starts rubbing his hands to ease a sudden tension. "When I came in, Johnny was on the phone, back to me at first. But he must've heard me, because he turned around, and..."

"And what?" She demands voice hoarse and breath jittery.

Dante closes his eyes. "A shot rang out followed by another. Someone else was there. I don't know who. I don't know where. Johnny fell, I took my gun out, and..." Dante lifts a hand and runs it over his face muffling his words.

Lulu's chest heaves for breath as she raises her left hand to curl around the stone beside her to keep her stable as the world seemingly tilts. "And what, Dante?"

But she already knows.

He finally looks at her and guilt pricks at the corners of his eyes. "I didn't do anything."

The sting of her hand from connecting with his face hardly registers. "You let his murderer get away!? If I hadn't been there would you have just left Johnny there to—!?" She has to cover the heart wrenching sound that threatens to tear free of her throat as the images of that night replay through her mind, vivid and nauseating. He died regardless, but Dante may as well have had a hand in it.

"Lulu, I hesitated—"

"Don't lie to me!" Her shriek cuts through the solemn silence of the cemetery like a shot. "You wanted him dead. You wanted him out of my life, so. You. Did. Nothing! What does that shiny badge even mean to you, huh, Dante? You turn a blind eye to your father's crimes, even allowed your own little brother to prison over him, and now you let an innocent man be murdered in cold blood—"

"Johnny is not innocent in anything!" Dante roars through her tirade.

And Lulu loses it. She destroys what little distance between them, using her hand to pound at his chest and shove him away from her. She kicks at his toppled form as she shrieks and screams until her face turns a deep pink, "Stay away from me! I want you to stay away from me! Go away! Get away from me!"

Hands encircle her arms and yank her up and away into a soft yet restraining embrace causing her muscles to lock into place. "Dante what the hell did you say to her!?" Carly immediately barks over her shoulder.

"Isn't it obvious? He insulted her dead love," Maxie chimes in from Carly's side and Lulu catches through her watery vision the icy gleam of her best friend's blue eyes.

"Hey, she's my wife," Dante insists firmly.

"Way to stake your claim like a true neanderthal." Maxie scoffs.

"Okay, I just wanted to talk to Lulu. We've talked. Now I'll leave." Dante yields and somehow Lulu hears the soft squash of grass under retreating footsteps through the thudding of blood in her ears.

Carly rubs her hands up and down Lulu's arms. "You okay, sweetie?"

Lulu nods woodenly, trying not to shake visibly as she pulls out of Carly's arms. Her face feels blotchy and damp as blond strands stick to her cheeks which she brushes behind her ears. She looks and feels like a mess her friends don't know how to act around. "Yeah, I'm, uhh breathing." A plastic smile flashes into place before melting away under the sun and she glances away to the side where his headstone rests. "I just wanted to be with Johnny and Dante..." She sniffs, forcing everything back. Then she looks at Maxie, Carly and Jason who stands off to the side, hands crossed at the waist like a silent sentinel and tells them all sincerely, "Thank you all for staying, but you should just head to the reception. I can stay here."

Maxie slips to Lulu's side and places an arm around her shoulders completely ignoring the suggestion. "Lulu, the reception is in honor of Johnny. Who better to honor him than you?" She reasons in a this-should-be-obvious tone. Then she goes on softer when Lulu feels her throat clog and her jaw tremble. "Remember what I told you."

Lulu breaks her stare off with his headstone with a broken nod. "Right. You're right."

Carly moves in on her other side with warm, comforting tones. "And don't worry, Lulu. We'll be with you every step of the way."

Lulu gains a supportive nod from Jason before Maxie and Carly take her from Johnny's final resting place with Jason following at the rear.

~.~

Lulu dries the last of the cool water from her face then goes to shut the light off in the bathroom. The ashen walls of the bedroom that used to be her own now fit that of a guest room. It's empty and impersonal, just what she needs to decompress after the funeral. The bed cushions her weight as she settles on it and not a moment later her door creaks open with Maxie peaking in.

"No more crying?"

Lulu smiles weary. "I've gone through all the water in my body. Any more tears and my head'll start hurting."

"So should I bring you a glass of water?" Maxie points behind her, words coated in exaggeration.

Lulu's smile becomes genuine. "Maxie."

Maxie drops her hands with a chuckle and comes to sit on the bed. "Okay, okay. But I will bring one later. So..."

Lulu twists a piece of her hair between her fingers and creases her eyebrows. "So, what?"

"So are you gonna tell me why you could be mistaken for Johnny's widow? Last I saw you were happy with Dante." Maxie gets straight to the point. "You and I planned Johnny's funeral for a week together after Spinelli hacked into his accounts to see if he had any insurance, that is. I mean, what mob prince doesn't?"

Lulu her insides flop as she grips the covers. "Maxie..."

"Come to find out, he not only has insurance, but a Will where everything—legitimate that is—goes to his kids and, if none are present, to a Miss Lesley Lu Spencer. I must've missed something here for him to be leaving you millions, right?" Maxie continues without heed to Lulu's feeble plea.

Lulu's pulse jumps under her skin as she recalls the stomach knotting discovery. When the lawyers had arrived, read the Will in question, and had her sign papers to take over ownership of stocks and company investments she had no clue Johnny had ever partaken in, she'd gone mute for an entire day. She resists the urge to scream now as the man whose ear would be on the receiving end rests underground. "He doesn't need to take care of me like this." She forces the words out as evenly as possible instead in defiance.

Maxie raises a thin eyebrow. "That's just the shock talking. Now I was obviously lying about why he did it. He loves you. Always has. What's just so interesting is how you went from keeping away from him to not giving a damn that it was clear you two slept together while you're still married to someone else." Maxie curls a hand around Lulu's fist with a gentle smile. "Come on, tell me."

Lulu swallows thickly and nods. "Okay, but I'm still mad at him."

"No you're not. You're completely in love with him," Maxie argues calmly.

Lulu's shoulders shake briefly before she slows her breathing determinedly. "So we were going to run away together, leave everything behind, and start fresh. My feelings for him never really changed and when he flew me to Pennsylvania on Independence Day... I couldn't lie to myself anymore." She grits her teeth against the burn of love and longing that swells in her veins as she thinks of that night and her voice gains a heartbreaking pitch, "We made love and I agreed to run away with him and... I basically told him I wanted to marry him, Maxie. Our whole future, gone in an instant. And I just don't..."

Maxie pulls Lulu into a hug and combs her fingers through Lulu's hair over and over. "Just breathe for now," she whispers soothing.

And Lulu does just that gradually regaining calm.

And then, "I can't believe you were going to just leave me behind." Maxie scolds fully scandalized.

Lulu pulls back with a sheepish smile expecting the smirk her friend wears as she replies, "I would've visited from time to time."

They both share a companionable laugh before Maxie sobers. "So there's really no hope for reconciliation between you and Dante? You're going to file for divorce."

Lulu smooths her fingers over the bare skin of her left ring finger which hasn't been weighed down since she discarded the rings in the bedside drawer the night Johnny died. "Yeah. I don't want to settle. That's what happened with Johnny and Logan before. And while I'm sure Dante won't lose his mind, I shouldn't lead him on."

Maxie's expression becomes neutral, smooth, almost blank as she places her words carefully. "I'm not trying to tell you who you should and shouldn't be with. But... you're perfect match isn't here anymore and... you were happy with Dante. If you give it some time, even if it's not the stars aligning romance you could've had, you could still be happy."

Lulu stares at a smooth white wall as her honey eyes dim and her voice empties of emotion, "I lost my heart when Johnny died. How do you expect me to lie about being capable of loving Dante now, a year, or ten years in the future?"

"Lulu?"

The pleading tone narrowly succeeds in pulling her from the dark, numb place she was spiraling towards.

Maxie holds her hands up in surrender. "I'm sorry. I was just making a suggestion."

Lulu blinks, unmoved.

Maxie squirms, then jumps as she seems to remember something. She digs into the pocket of her sleep bottoms and pulls out something she cups in her palm. "Since you don't have any jewelry of significance to hold onto, I thought you might like to have this back."

What Maxie extends in her hand is something Lulu thought she got rid of years ago in a fit of rage and heartbreak. Now she takes the cool gold into her trembling hands, swearing the little lightning bolt necklace tingles against her skin. "Where did you get this?" Her words barely squeeze through her throat from how thick they are with heartfelt emotion.

Maxie shrugs, although clearly from the gleam in her eyes she's pleased with herself. "Well I saw it in the trash after your break up and I felt pretty guilty because of it for obvious reasons. So I kept it. Now, hurry up and put it on and get some rest. I've cut into enough of that already," Maxie insists with a few waves of her hands while moving off the bed.

Lulu, stunned, takes several moments of just gazing openly at the necklace before moving to place it around her neck. "Maxie, really I don't know how to explain how much this means to me."

Maxie stops at the door and gives her a reassuring grin, "You don't need to, Lulu." With a reaffirming nod, Maxie leaves, shutting the door behind her.

Lulu takes a shuddered breath and shuts off the lights, then crawls beneath the covers. From there she presses her fingers to the necklace and feels a small pinch of warmth bloom in her chest, easing a tiny smile over her lips. It's not much, but it's the first time since Johnny's death that she's truly felt his presence might actually be with her.


I was able to squeeze in a bit of time to get this done. Yes, it's still JoLu, but this is based on a soap opera so there's bound to be hitches in the road. Thanks for reading!