Title: The Fetish Issue
Warnings: OOC (out-of –character), no relevance with the Naruto timeline (like the first three chapters), AU (alternate universe) and hopefully, humour.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, Toruna, Ru, To, Na or anything that makes up a part of Naruto.
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Orochimaru had been perfectly able to ignore the stench which had been coming from Jiraiya's room for quite a few days but it seems that his teammate was not a considerate person. The stench not only stayed, it got skunk-type worse. Some of his snakes have particularly sensitive olfactory senses and his nose is of similar matter (No Voldemort references here). There is only a limit to his tolerance, even as a shinobi. Furthermore, he is the tenant and in the case of displeasure, he has more than enough rights to be the perpetrator rather than the victim. Also, he really did not need to lose his sense of smell just to prove that he is a hardy shinobi. He has no self-esteem problems and that was more of Jiraiya's style.
So a-knocking Orochimaru went to Jiraiya's door and a few seconds of no-reply later, he abandoned all pretenses of caring for Jiraiya's privacy and such amazing shows of respect and tried the knob. The door held steady in its state of rest. Unfortunately, locked doors do not act as that great a deterrent to Orochimaru, especially when they threaten to tilt his ability of smell in favor of stench than scent. He would make sure that it would come out of Jiraiya's vast pocket anyway. That was a not-so-poor author for you.
Orochimaru's first mistake was to shred the door into planks of wood. His second mistake was to breathe after doing so. His third mistake was to open his eyes after he had shut them as an instinctual reaction to the sight of the ominous miasma. Instincts: never ignore them because they prevent trauma and preserve you.
Upon closing his eyes, he should have backed away, do the "retreat and plan" that shinobi does when something went wrong in a mission. He could have exhaled when the door became firewood. He should have anticipated the unanticipated when approaching the door and the unpredictable perverted occupant of the room. Regrets: you always have them when it is too late.
Musk with hints of ammonia and iron invaded his nose as his watery eyes surveyed the toxic room before him. Lingerie was strewn all over the furniture and floor. The room's occupant lay on a pile in a seemingly blessed daze. That made up the most disgusting and disturbing scene in his life Orochimaru would admit reluctantly to seeing, if he was ever under interrogation, "reluctantly" because it was the truth.
A few swift hand seals later, the room was ablaze. Wood, paper and cloth were oh so flammable. There was a containment seal on the room to prevent the fire from spreading to other parts of the house. After all, only the room and its occupant needed sterilizing.
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"WERE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME!"
"Think back on your actions and tell me you did not deserve it." Orochimaru coldly said and crossed his arms.
Jiraiya went quiet.
"I never knew you to be the sick one. I thought that was my job in the team." He commented, sounding almost disappointed.
"I wasn't really…I just wanted to see the attraction."
Orochimaru raised an eyebrow but allowed Jiraiya to continue.
"You see, it is for my latest edition of Itcha Itcha Paradise. I need to get inside the heads of some of the newest characters."
"Oh? One of your characters is an underwear thief then? Give me one good reason for not turning you to the Uchihas."
"Hey, I suffered, you know. It isn't easy to sit within piles of underwear and actually growing the piles. The smell is overwhelming. I guess this fetish isn't for me." Jiraiya sighed mournfully.
Orochimaru turned, decided to leave Jiraiya to his musings. It was actually a relief to find that his teammate was an idiot who had endured the whole event just to prove his own perverted nature rather than out of enjoyment. It righted the world again.
"But stealing them was sort of fun…"
Then again, he should just do the world good by ridding it of one perverted underwear thief.
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Author's
notes: Well well well, long time no see.
Readers' note: a crate of rotten tomatoes signed "That should be our words."
Author's
notes: Opps.
Readers'
notes: "You should be ashamed", continues the message on the
crate of rotten tomatoes
Author's notes: To my defense, I posted…ANYWAY, hope you enjoy this chapter and look to your left, isn't that someone you know? (slinks off to waddle in the Detective Conan fandom fan fiction)
REAL Author notes: Most of the Uchiha family members make up the police force and since this is AU, they are still around and catching criminals.
Jiraiya was found in a "seemingly blessed daze" because he was knocked out by the stench.
There is no real plot yet and maybe there would not be one or maybe there would be but it is a long time away. What is up with this chapter, you ask? Well, perverts remind me of Happosai from Ranma 1/2 and I could not help incorporating it here so here it is. ;
Read and review please.
