Hi All!
I know everyone was on tenterhooks waiting to hear what Wash had to say so here ya go. This chapter is a mite shorter than I usually do but I think I'll more than make up for it in the next one which should be the final chapter – unless I think of more of course! LOL!
Enjoy!
-Moki
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Wash heard Zoe's question but he wasn't sure he was really ready for what was to come next. He knew he couldn't keep putting her off and telling her everything was fine when really it wasn't. Zoe knew him too well and would never be fooled. He'd considered it a small miracle that he'd kept her at bay this long. He felt Zoe's hands squeeze his once again as he looked into her eyes and knew this was it and simply nodded and sighed. He looked away once more and then decided that it was time to get it out. He had kept this secret for far too long. Keeping his wife's hands in his own he lead her back to the bed and sat her down then sat across from her in the chair.
Resting his elbows on his knees he folded his hands together and sat with shoulders hunched for a few moments. He knew Zoe's patience was nearing the end of its tether but he had to gather his thoughts. Finally he scrubbed at his eyes and looked up at his beautiful autumn flower.
"I mean that I've already been through the death of a baby and I can't imagine living through something like that again," Wash said in a rush. Almost as though once he started the statement he had to force himself to keep talking to ensure he wouldn't stop.
Zoe's eyes flew open in surprise and Wash put up a hand immediately as he could see her gathering for an onslaught of questions. He knew without a doubt that if he stopped to answer them now then he would never get to finish this story and now he had to do it, despite the pain reliving this was going to cause him.
"Just let me finish, okay hon?" he asked her and Zoe nodded dumbly and let Wash continue.
"I've always told you that I was an only child but the truth is; that is only partially right. I was raised by my mom on a planet as dirty and grimy as the day is long. My dad left the both of us when I was still in swaddling so I don't remember anything about him" Zoe thought she caught a slight look of anger at that but he moved on so quickly she wasn't sure. Suddenly she realized that he'd never mentioned his father before, at least not directly. Curious where this story would lead she sat back to listen.
"Well you see, me and mom, we got along just fine on our own but being an only child meant that I had to grow up pretty fast. I was taking care of myself at a very early age," Wash continued. "I used to take care of the housework and the shopping and by the time I was ten years old I was even cooking most of our meals" Wash smiled at that and caught Zoe's eyes.
"Not saying I was any good at it though, just that I cooked what I could," he clarified and Zoe smiled and nodded at that. Wash wasn't known as a good cook, not by any stretch.
"Heck, there were even times when she would pull extra shifts at the plant and I'd spend some nights alone," Wash continued. Zoe became sad upon hearing that and her heart went to this man whom she'd married. She'd never realized all that he'd been through and felt very proud of him suddenly. A little boy shouldn't be asked to do all that he'd done and yet she knew that he took on those duties as the man of the house without complaint. It was his way and now she understood why it was so. This thought flitted through her mind quickly and she went back to listening to his story.
"Well mom had male 'friends' off and on over the years and one or two even came to live with us for a short while" Zoe found his expression unreadable with this utterance.
"One day after one such deadbeat had left her a few weeks before she comes home and tells me that it wasn't going to be just the two of us anymore" Zoe looked a little puzzled and Wash smiled.
"She was pregnant," he explained and she nodded her understanding and felt some sense of relief wash over her. From the moment he'd mentioned losing a child Zoe had been expecting to hear of an affair with a woman that she'd not yet heard about. But now she realized that this whole thing was about a younger sibling, not a child of his own. Her heart ached anew for the man before her and also for the little boy he had been. A little boy who had lost so much so soon.
"I was twelve years old and like I said already doing much on my own when the baby came so naturally I helped take care of him" Wash's eyes lit up with fond memories and he sat up, enjoying this part of the tale.
"Little Vincent Hoban Washburn. Mom gave him my first name as his middle name, said it would make us closer brothers," he shrugged "Not sure if it was true but I didn't mind, it was kind of shiny having someone named after me like that" Zoe smiled at his obvious enjoyment of having a little "Hoban" around.
"Well that little guy was actually the best thing to happen to us in a while. Mom used to joke that he was her "happy accident" and a truer phrase was never uttered," Wash said while looking somewhere over Zoe's head. She could see that he was in the past now, reliving happy moments.
"It wasn't just because of the fact that he made us happy, though" Wash continued, looking at Zoe now with laughter in his eyes "He was one of the happiest kids I'd ever seen. With mom working so much to take care of all of us, I watched Vince a lot. I fed him, changed him, bathed him, everything" Zoe couldn't help but to think of his seemingly magic touch with Caleb and thought how it all made sense now.
"I'm telling ya that kid had a smile on his face all of the time," Wash continued with bemused a shake of his head. After all these years he was still amazed by the wonders of his baby brother's immense enjoyment of life.
"Never was there an easier baby to care for, at least in my biased opinion" Wash laughed and Zoe joined in now. A happy giggling baby came to mind, one with Wash's stunning eyes and suddenly she found herself wanting to meet that child.
For a few moments Wash continued to remember happy times with his brother and a smile continued to play at his lips. But as Zoe watched him closely she could see the thoughts change to those less joyful and his face fell and grew grave once again.
"Then when he got to be about fifteen months old we started noticing he wasn't himself. He started to get more quiet and just wasn't as energetic. As soon as we noticed something was wrong, mom took him in to a doc but…." Wash's voice trailed off and Zoe wanted so badly to hold him but knew that he needed to get this out. "It was too late"
"He died about three weeks before Christmas actually," he said and Zoe's eyes filled with tears of their own. No wonder he's been acting this way. Not only do we find us a child, but it has to be at this gorram time of year? She had hardened herself to the horrors and death of war. But this was something different and her carefully constructed inner barriers were of no use to her. They couldn't stop this new pain from going straight to her heart.
"What happened?" Zoe finally asked. Her voice barely above a whisper.
"The doctors were never sure" Wash replied with a sad shrug "They gave us some story about various infant diseases but deep down I think mother and I both had a feeling that it was something else," he said morosely.
"You see Zo, that planet we lived on was disgustingly polluted. Though at the time it was kept hushed; many talked about how it was making people sick. First it was mostly babies as they had smaller lungs and less antibodies to fight it off but soon lots of people were getting mysteriously ill," He told her.
"We left the planet not long after we lost the baby and I'm sure that it probably saved both our lives" Wash said in a voice wracked with guilt over surviving what his brother could not.
"But I don't think either of us got over losing him," he said and just when he'd thought he was finished with the pain of the story, more tears came to his eyes. He wiped them away in frustration but they came unbidden and there was nothing he could do now. Wash dropped his head into his hands and his shoulders shook with grief.
Unable to take it any longer, Zoe went to her husband and comforted him as best she could, crying out her own grief for a child she'd never met. She sat in his lap in the chair, pulling his head to her breast. She let him cry out the hurt and the pain for his loss and did nothing but sit there and stroke his hair. She had never known about any of this and she wondered just how long he'd held on to the secret. Something told her that he hadn't ever mentioned it to another soul and pain like that shouldn't be kept inside. It could eat away at a person and she was happy, for him, that he was letting it out now.
After a while Wash felt better and hugged Zoe closer to him, burying his face in her shoulder. His legs were getting numb from her sitting on them so long but he didn't mind it at all. He looked up at her and taking her face in his hands he kissed her gratefully. Then he gave her one of his great big grins to let her know he felt better.
"I'm sorry I never said anything," he said. "I don't really know why I kept that to myself for so long" He shook his head. "I think maybe I thought if I never said anything I'd forget about it and it wouldn't hurt so much"
"I understand," she replied. "Not that I want you to keep such things from me, mind," She said with a stern look. "I hope you'll just go ahead and tell me this kind of stuff so that we can work it out together, dong-ma?"
"I promise," Wash replied and found that he really meant it. He had been wandering around in a fog for the past day and realized he should have told Zoe about all of this so much earlier. It would have saved him a world of hurt.
They left their bunk and headed to the galley holding hands, smiling quietly at each other as they walked. Kaylee had just finished giving Caleb another bottle when the couple entered and she knew right away that they had fixed whatever had been broken. Kaylee thought of everything in life the same way she thought of engines. Everything was broken until it was fixed and right now she could see that Zoe and Wash were "fixed".
Mal saw it too when he entered a few minutes later for the evening meal. Zoe was sitting with Caleb on her lap and Wash was making silly faces at the baby. Caleb was giggling in that infections manner that only children seemed to be able to do and everyone was laughing along with him. Obviously they had worked everything out and Mal was grateful for that. He didn't like tension on his boat.
He was so relieved that when Mal sat down to eat he didn't even mind one mite when Shepherd Book bowed his head for a prayer. Shepherd gave thanks for the fine meal (Mal thought "fine" was a stretch but let the preacher have his say) and also for the safety that surely He had provided to the babe now at their table. Mal saw Zoe and Wash touch hands at those words and smile at each other tenderly.
