Chapter 4
"Hey Hannah, we should get going; Sam will probably be wondering where you are." Nick extended his hand out a second time that night for Hannah. She took it, as if it were the most natural thing in the world to do. Tonight for this little bit of time, they were a family. Thoughts of Aubrey and Big Cat were out of mind for now. They mutually seemed to agree that just for now, until Hannah got home, everything between them was as it was, as it should have been. The problem is, now is just that, now. Later always seems to follow.
Hannah and Nick walked hand in hand to her car. It wasn't a lover's hand-holding, it was far more than that. It was two people who despite their length of time apart still had an ease with one another, a connection. It was natural. Nick knew this meant that he and Hannah were healing, maybe even working their way back to each other. But first, she had to decide what she wanted. Did she want to go through with her marriage to Big Cat or would she decide to postpone. If she postponed, it would be a good enough sign for him that maybe they could be a family one day. Nick paused to think about Aubrey. He genuinely liked her. Too bad for Aubrey, in another life, she might have even been the one for him. But at that moment when Hannah kissed him ever so gently before she told him that he was Sam's dad, all thoughts of Aubrey went out the window. She was no longer a possibility and it was better for all involved to just tell her. Even if Hannah didn't break up with Big Cat, he knew he could no longer settle for anything less than the spectacular. Things with him and Aubrey were… nice. But there was no fire, no real passion. He didn't feel for Aubrey one tenth of what he felt for Hannah. Still, after all these years. Yup, Hannah Jane wouldn't be the only one talking to a significant other tonight.
"So, where would you like me to drop you? Home, work?" Hannah was composed now. Her nose was still a little pink and her eyes still a little puffy from crying, but all in all, she looked as if she didn't have a care in the world.
"Would you mind dropping me at work? My car is there and I gotta go see Aubrey tonight." Aubrey! Hannah had almost forgotten about her. She guessed he would want to share this news with his special someone. Well, what did you expect Hannah? Stupid, stupid… just don't even go there with your thoughts. Nick is Sam's dad and that's it. But her mind flashed with images of a kiss dreamed about, the way he held her and said her name. It was all so real and Hannah knew that she could have that again, that passion, that fire all she had to do was tell him she wanted him back.
"Hannah?" Nick was looking at her. She had yet to start the car and he noticed the surprise on her face when he brought up Aubrey's name. "Hannah?"
"Yes Nick…"
"I'm going to end it with Aubrey." He said it so quietly she almost thought she imagined it. He continued.. "No, and it's not because of you, well, it kinda is. You see, I realized tonight that Aubrey and I, we are just coasting. It's not exciting and I don't feel for her even a little of how I felt and still feel about you. So even if there isn't a chance for a you and me, I can't continue with Aubrey. She's just not the one. It's not fair to her. I'm going to move out the way to make room for the right man to come into her life."
"Wow... Nick, that's a big decision to make in such a short period of time."
"No it's not. Not when you are certain about something. And again, it's not a pressure tactic for you Hannah, I just wanted you to know, in case you….may want to reconsider things between us. But, I'm mostly doing this because it's the right thing to do, for Aubrey and for me. Let's leave it at that. It's time to go Hannah, start the car, Sam will be wondering where you are. I'm sure Ray will be thinking the same thing."
With that, Hannah gave a quick, jerky nod, started the car and drove towards Best Friends Windows.
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Ray had all day to think about Hannah and what she said in her sleep. He had been snapping heads off all day long including Matt and Ikey. Matt had asked him a few different times "What gives?" but he just grumbled something about a bad night's sleep. Ray wasn't ready to confide in anyone about his shortcomings with his relationship. Every time he tried to work up a good "mad" he would get a flash in his mind of Hannah in her ratty old robe right out of the shower or her face when he was making love to her. He saw her helping his twins cut up the meat on their plates, or staying up with him late at night to make sure their weren't any mistakes on his payroll printout. As much as he wanted to hate her for throwing a wrench in his plans, he couldn't. He loved her and damned if that didn't make him a fool.
The truth of the matter was, Ray didn't have any real friends. Matt worked for him and often times Ray felt like he was being humored and placated. Ray just hated to be made a fool of and that is what Hannah was doing to him. But he couldn't help but hope that it was just a dream and that she really loved him. That was his weakness. She was really his friend and lover. He loved being around her and he never let anyone, not even Christine get as close to his heart as Hannah had. Hannah knew his hopes and dreams, and worst of all she knew most of his fears. Ray was so worried about not being seen as a fool that he worked hard ever since he graduated from high school to be the best contractor around. He showed everyone in town that he was a person to be respected and even feared. But that had come at a high price. It hadn't helped him maintain friendships or make new ones. He was building a business, his own little empire, and as a result sometimes that meant stepping on the little guy. But that's what business is. Hannah understood that about him; his need to succeed and stay on top. So if he walked away from 4 years, 4 good years, then what would he do? Go back to being alone? No one to talk to at all? Ray decided right then and there to confront Hannah about the dream and ask her point blank if she was really in love with Garrett. If she even hesitated, he would walk out that damn door and never, ever return. After all, a guy had to have some pride.
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Hannah parked her car in the driveway, looked both ways then sprinted across the street to her neighbors to get Sam. Thanking them profusely, she took a sleepy Sam home and sent him straight up to his bed. It was almost 10 o'clock now and Ray wasn't home. Just as she was about to call his cell, he walked in the door. She was genuinely happy to see him. How could Nick make her feel one way and Ray make her feel another. Both feelings were good, and even felt right but she didn't want to think about that right now as she had some other things to take care of.
"Hey, it must've been a hell of a day?" Hannah smiled at him, a twinkle in her eye.
"Huh?" Ray was confused, she didn't know that he knew about her dream, did she?
"You said you had a lot of paperwork to catch up on?" She gave him a funny look and continued. "Are you okay?"
"Oh, yeah.. yeah… just a lot of paperwork." Ray was scared. He didn't know if he could handle it if she said she was in love with Garrett, that she was leaving him for Garrett. It would be humiliating. After all he had done to make sure she was happy with him, in a less than a year that asshole came into town and threw his whole life into disarray.
"Ray…uhm… we need to talk about some things." Hannah looked at him, and he realized that her face didn't look quite right. It looked as if she had been crying. Oh shit.
"What do we need to talk about Hannah Jane?" He tried to play it cool, this is what he wanted, the truth. But somehow, now that the moment was here, he wasn't ready for it. He just wanted one more night with her as his, completely his. "Why don't we go upstairs, have a nice long bath together, make love all night and talk in the morning." He gave her his slow, sexy smile that she usually found irresistible.
"I would love that more than anything Ray." And Hannah realized she meant that. In this moment when she was with him, all she wanted was to stay with him. The problem was, when she was with Nick, she felt the same way. "After I tell you what I have to tell you, if you feel the same way about me then I would love to go upstairs with you."
"Hannah, just tell me what you need to tell me. You're starting to freak me out here." Okay, maybe his slow, sexy smile didn't work all the time.
"It's about Sam."
Sam? He hadn't expected that! "What about Sam?"
"Well, more like Sam's father. His real father." Hannah, paused, and looked him straight in the eye.
"Gavin Goddard?" A chill was running down his back, straight to his toes.
"No, Nick Garrett."
A little bit of his love for Hannah died right there. She lied to him, repeatedly. He asked her on more than one occasion if Nick was Sam's real father and she always flatly refused. Now how could he ever believe anything she ever said again? He was so worried that she was in love with Garrett that he was completely blindsided by this news. Then, all of a sudden, something occurred to Ray.
"Wait, just wait a minute. If this Goddard guy isn't the father, and you knew that, why did you tell me I could adopt Sam? Did you ever plan on going through with any of this, or with our wedding?" Ray was losing patience by the second, he was starting to raise his voice.
"Shhhhhhh! Ray, we don't need Sam to be awake for this conversation. Listen, I don't know what I was thinking when I told you that you could adopt Sam. I was desperate to make you happy and to show you I was committed to this relationship. You seemed to think my being okay with the adoption hinged on the happiness of our marriage. It was a stupid thing to think I could just sweep this under the carpet and it would go away."
"Well, you've been doing a damn good job of just that for years!!! Why the hell have you decided to tell me this now? Huh, Hannah?" This was it, the moment that he was going into her crosshairs and shot in between the eyes. She was leaving him for Garret. It all made sense. It was no secret that Nick wanted her back, and she had been dreaming of him! He was Sam's father! Why wouldn't she want them to be a family? Ray stood a little taller and a little straighter, he could handle this because in the end, he knew that she was no longer the woman he thought she was.
"Well Ray, there's some things I need to tell you. I want you to listen first, and when I'm done, you can have at it, okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever.."
"Well first off I should tell you that when Nick left all those years ago, I already knew I was pregnant. I let him go without telling him about Sam because I wanted him to have that one last freedom, you know? Before settling down with a baby. Anyway, Nick never came back…." Hannah continued the story that she had told Nick earlier today. Ray listened intently, all the while amazed that even though he thought he knew Hannah, he didn't know jackshit about her. It amazed him even more so that she could keep such a big secret in a place like the Ridge. "and that's pretty much everything Ray."
"That still doesn't answer the question why you are telling me this now? Clearly it didn't seem necessary to tell me before. What gives?"
"I've been having some conversations with Eddie, since Nick came back, he's been on me to tell Nick the truth about that summer."
"Eddie knew Sam was Nick's?"
"No, he just was thinking about the part where we slept together. The only people who knew the truth were me, Gavin, and my parents. About a month and a half ago, I told Janet that Gavin wasn't the father, but I didn't tell her it was Nick either. I'm so sorry Ray."
"Is that everything you want to tell me Hannah?"
"No.. uh… anyway, I have been having these dreams. About Nick? " She blew out a breath and continued, "In the dream he tells me he's happy for me, for us and then I tell him I'm not going to marry you and that I want us to be together." She said the last part really quick as if ripping off a band-aid.
"And is that what you want Hannah Jane?"
"No! At least I don't think so. It's hard Ray, I guess there was so much unresolved stuff between me and Nick and my way to deal with it was to NOT deal with it. It's not working. I love you Ray, I'm so sorry about this…"
"I see. Okay Hannah, have you told me everything you wanted me to hear?"
"Oh! Uhm, yeah… what do we…" Before Hannah could finish her sentence, Ray got up and walked up the stairs. She heard him banging around in the bedroom and in about five minutes he was back downstairs with a bag. "Wait, Ray! I didn't say I want this to end, I just don't know what to do. I know I love you I just don't know where we stand?"
"WHERE WE STAND???" Ray took a deep breath and willed himself to lower his voice. "Where we stand? There is no we Hannah. I heard you this morning, did you know that? Sometimes you talk in your sleep and this morning was no different. You were laying in the bed that we share dreaming of another man. I told myself that if there was any hesitation tonight on your part I would leave. And that, Hannah, is what I intend to do. I don't need this. I loved you with all I had and I come to find out that you're nothing but a liar who could give a damn about me."
"Ray, that's not true…"
"Isn't it Hannah? I mean, you were going to marry me with this secret hanging over us? You lied to me repeatedly about Sam's father and you lied to me when you said I could adopt him. I may be divorced and not the biggest authority on matters of the heart, but I am damn sure what you did is not something you do to the people you care about." With that, Ray stormed out the door, leaving Hannah sitting alone in her living digesting his words.
