Author's Note: Ok, guys, just bear with me a little longer! I promise, the end of Christopher is forthcoming! FYI, this is still Pre-7.10. Now, let's get on with it!
Those few seconds between walking back to his truck and angrily slamming the door and speeding off like that had felt like an eternity to him. He had wanted so much for her to stop him, for her to explain all that had been going through her mind, for them to talk it all out so they could finally be over it so things could get better and they could move on.
At least, that's what the old Lorelai would have done.
He could tell that something was different soon after he saw her. He knew that something about her had changed.
She just wasn't the same.
But what did he care? What could he have done, anyway? It was her life, and if she choose to be that way and be with that idiot, then so be it.
He knew that he should've been over it, he had said he was months before. But he knew from the minute the thought entered his mind that it was a lie. He would never truly be over it.
She was it for him. No matter what she did, she would always be it for him.
And he hoped that deep down, she knew that he really didn't believe all that he said about them not being right together. It was the farthest thing from what he really thought. He just had to force himself to believe that it was true because he didn't know what was left. And everyday, he had to deal with the consequences of what he had said.
He just hoped that the connection they had was still there. He hoped she knew.
But hope isn't always enough to satisfy a person. Sometimes you just need to know.
It took him awhile to realize that he was driving in the direction from which he came; he was going back to Stars Hollow. He hadn't even done what he had gone to do in the first place.
He drove along, wanting to get back to Stars Hollow, to get on with his life. He knew he needed to think it all out, but there was nothing he could do. The ball was in her court now.
As she silently watched him walk away, slam the door, and drive off without another word, it was like she was immobilized. She hadn't known what to do. His name was right there, it was one the tip of her tongue, but it just wouldn't come out.
Was that how he felt that night as he watched her walk away?
What he had said still echoed aimlessly in her mind.
You've changed Lorelai, and I know that the real you is still there somewhere!
Had she really changed that much? She had known that she wasn't the same person she was before, she knew that. As much as she wanted to believe she was still the strong woman she once was, that had disappeared as everything took it's toll on her. But did she really change so much that even after everything that had gone on, even Luke was able to notice?
Or maybe their closeness hadn't really gone away. That closeness that they'd had for such a long time, where they were able to tell when something was wrong and so much more. That's how he was able she had changed. Maybe that closeness had just faded away a little, but it was still in sight.
Did they still have that connection they once had?
She didn't know.
Just minutes after Luke left, Sookie had come back, only to have Lorelai tell her that the car was fixed. Well, miracle of all miracles, the place Sookie called had been closed anyway, so they were off the hook. But when Sookie asked Lorelai how the car got fixed, she just told her that she tried to start it up again and it worked. She didn't want to talk about anything with Luke just then. As much as she needed to sort that all out, she had to think about Christopher.
She couldn't go home. There was too much Christopher and Luke. Half the time she was reminded of all the times Luke had come over and fixed things, and when they were remodeling it for when it would be their house, and the other half she saw all the things that were moved around in odd places, and she was reminded that Christopher was there, that for the first time she was living with a man, that they were changing what had been her and Rory's house for so long. And they were changing it in all the wrong ways. But she didn't speak up. She gave in. And she hated it.
It was still mid-afternoon, so they both went back to the Inn. Sookie rushed into the kitchen having thought that she heard the word "fire!" (which had turned out to be someone yelping out in pain after dropping a pan on their foot), but Lorelai lingered outside a bit.
When Lorelai had gotten rid of all her stuff that reminded her of Luke, which, in effect, practically emptied her house, she had really tried to get rid of it all. She was going to drop it all off at the Salvation Army far away in Hartford, but Rory had volunteered to take it to the one in New Haven since she was on her way back to school. Actually, though, she never did make it there. Rory knew she couldn't let her mom just get rid off all that stuff for good, no matter how bad the break-up was. So instead of giving it all away, she had talked to Sookie and was able to stow it all in a tool shed near the horse stables at the Inn. Eventually Lorelai did stumble upon it all. She was angry that it all was still not gone, angry that Rory had said she'd get rid of it but she didn't, but Rory eventually convinced her that it was best to keep it all. Lorelai knew that she was being irrational when she threw it all out to begin with, she knew that is was best to keep it all. So she kept it there, but she hadn't been back in the shed since that day.
It was time to say hello to her stuff again.
She walked slowly, taking each step slowly as she began to walk on the grass that led to the shed. She took her time, mainly because she wanted to avoid going in there for as long as she could. Halfway there, she looked back at the Inn. They had it all decorated for Christmas this year, with point seta's everywhere, lights in the windows, red and gold ribbons thrown this way and that, and they even managed to get some lights on the outdoor trees. It really was beginning to look like Christmas.
She continued on walking. Christmas was a wonderful time, and even with her current dilemma, she was looking forward to it. But it still needed to snow. With everything else that was going on, she just felt that if it snowed it would make it better. She knew it wouldn't magically erase all her problems like some magic dust or a fairy or something, but snow was always a good sign. It always was.
All too soon, she realized she had made it to the shed.
Opening the door, she was greeted by piles of all her old belongings that she hadn't seen for months. She stood there for a minute, taking it all in. She found a place to sit down, and soon settled in with her thoughts.
She began to analyze everything with Christopher. Everything with Luke aside, she needed to figure out what had been asked of her earlier: was she really happy?
But the more she thought about it, the more insure she became of her and Christopher together. Yes, he had been acting like the perfect guy for awhile now. There shouldn't have been a reason for her to not be unhappy. But she still wasn't sure if he had really changed or if it was just a charade.
All of a sudden, her mind flashed back to early June. The cotillion, the one her mother had done. That was when she did the whole thing of thinking, "Oh, what if I only like what I like because my mother doesn't like it?" Did she still believe that?
And then an idea came to her mind. Did she just use that whole thing as an excuse to try and be over Luke and more open to Christopher? Did she subconsciously think that she could try and make that the legit reason for dating Christopher so soon?
Was that the same thing Luke had done? Used something to try and force himself to believe that it wasn't right with them? Was that what caused him to say everything about them not being right?
But he wouldn't say something unless he meant it, right? But still… she had a feeling…
A noise from outside drew her out of her trance. It was then she became conscious of what she had been sitting on this whole time. One of Luke's blue flannel shirts.
She gathered it up, holding it gently in her hands, staring at it from above. She felt like crying, she felt like sobbing, but the tears just wouldn't come out. She was done crying. It was time to start trying to make things happen.
Was she happy? She still didn't know. It seemed like it was the age of Questions with Unknown Answers. But soon, she would finally figure out the answer to the biggest question of all.
tbc
