Author's Note: I haven't forgotten about this, don't worry. I've just been very busy. EDIT: Thank you to all who told me about the car situation, I feel so stupid! That's what I get for not having a beta I guess, lol.
"Whoa! Lorelai, what's with this, did you buy out the entire store?"
Lorelai had been leaning on her Jeep that was parked in front of the boutique across the street from Luke's lawyer's office as he walked over.
"Well, no, but I got pretty darn close, I think. Oh, maybe I should go back and finish up..."
"Lorelai..."
"But it'd be a clean sweep! Besides, they'd have a lot more room for new stuff!"
"Lorelai, just get in the car."
She giggled as she followed his instructions and got in the car after putting her multitude of shopping bags in the back.
It had gotten much colder from when they first got there to when they left. A slight breeze had picked up, and she was relived to get inside the warm truck.
Luke got in the other side, shut the door, and started up the car. "So, uh, do you think Christopher will be..."
"Yeah, he should be gone by now."
"Okay then," he responded as he drove off.
Like before, they were on a busy highway, and neither wanted to risk getting in an accident again, so the ride was pretty quiet. Not an awkward quiet, but a comfortable quiet. A good quiet.
Of course, that quiet came with a price. They both began to think, and well, considering the current setting and situation, it wasn't a big surprise that they were thinking about... them.
The memories, good and bad. What had gone wrong. What could have been different. What was happening then. What to do. What would be next.
It was all things that neither of them had let themselves think about for months. Things that they were suddenly letting themselves think for no apparent reason. Other than the fact that it was time. It was time, and they were there.
Of course, they weren't thinking about the exact same thing. She was lost in a trance about when Luke's uncle died (which was random, she knew), and he was thinking about... well, something slightly different. He was, yet again, trying to figure out what went wrong in the end.
Okay, it was a bit more than slightly different.
What he still couldn't fathom about it all was why it happened when it did. He couldn't understand what could have happened to make her come to the diner like she had and given him that ultimatum.
And why hadn't she said anything before? Sure, she had said maybe one thing at some point, but all the feelings and thoughts the came out from within her that night was a hell of a lot more than what a small comment could get across.
the more he thought about it, the angrier he got. If she hadn't gone so long without saying anything, it probably would never have gotten that far.
Every sensible sense he had was telling him to keep quiet, that things were good right then, that he shouldn't say something about it to her and screw it all up. But the only thing he could focus on at the very moment was getting rid of the gnawing feeling, the one that had been there since that one night, the feeling that made him need to know exactly what went wrong, exactly what he done to cause it.
Exactly what had caused him to lose her.
And the next thing he knew, before his practical conscience could stop him, he felt the words finally escaping from his lips.
"Why?"
Lorelai was abruptly taken out of her thoughts. "Huh?"
He had been too vague, he figured out. "I mean, what caused you to... to go off like you did?"
"Oh. Um... Do you mean..."
"Yeah," he said, quickly glancing at her before getting his eyes back on the road.
She let out a long, soft sigh. She knew this would come eventually, whether it had come two days, two years, or two decades from then. And she knew that no matter how long time passed by before it came, she would never be ready.
But she knew it would come. Ready or not.
"I..." She let out another sigh. "I had just been keeping a lot of it in for awhile." She didn't want to get into the details that would eventually lead to Christopher, and then the shrink.
"But I just don't get it. Why did you keep it all in? Why didn't you tell me?"
"I don't know."
"What, did you not trust me?" He was beginning to get angry. He had gone months not truly understanding what had gone wrong, and he couldn't take it anymore. He wanted to know. Now.
"No, Luke, that wasn't it."
"Then why didn't you tell me?!"
"I really don't know, okay?!" She was getting close to yelling, and she didn't want that. She wouldn't be able to take another fight with him. "I don't have any justifications as to why I never said anything. I have been mad at myself again and again for not saying what was wrong, for not saying why I was acting the way I was. I guess... I guess I just thought that it would seem stupid. Like 'Oh, selfish little Lorelai is feeling bad because her wedding's been postponed, and she doesn't agree with not being able to see her fiancé's kid, and he doesn't even notice, and all she wants is to just be married already and have things back to normal.' I didn't want to seem that way."
"Lorelai, it wouldn't have been that way. I..."
"No, it would have. Because I was thinking that. I was being selfish and feeling all this pity for myself that I didn't deserve to feel. But I kept it inside. And then I cracked, and I screwed it up," she said, wincing. "Screwed" wasn't the smartest thing to have said just then, considering what had happened next in that time sequence she was talking about. "And what else I did... that really has no justification. It was pure stupidity. I just didn't see it then. I didn't see any of this really, until now."
"Lorelai, it's-"
"And I don't expect you to forgive me."
As she said her last sentence, she looked over at him, and left her gaze there. He pulled over to the side of the road, just a couple minutes from Stars Hollow, and look straight back.
The sparks, they were there yet again.
"Do you want me to forgive you?"
"Luke, of course I do. But I... I don't deserve to get forgiven."
"It doesn't matter. I forgive you."
"Luke-"
"It's partially my fault too, you know," he said as he started down the road again.
Wait. He was taking blame for what she did? She couldn't believe it, and neither could he. "If I hadn't been so damn blind to what you were going to, I could have gotten you to say something. If I tried hard enough."
If he tried hard enough? she thought. What's that supposed to mean?
"I should have noticed. I should have put more effort into it. I just got so overwhelmed with April and everything."
"Yeah, well, I should have given you your space with that and not have pushed you so much," she said with a hint of distance in her voice. What did all this mean?
Luke pulled up to the diner. It was late afternoon, but there was no sign of a sunset, for the sky was filled with dark, grey clouds, swirling around with the slight breeze flowing through.
"Lorelai, I'm glad we were able to do this."
"Yeah. Me too. I'm glad things are..." she said, unsure of what to call how things were then.
"They are."
"What?"
"Things. They're okay."
Okay. Things were okay. She liked that. They were finally okay?
But what about nice? Why not good? Why not even fine? Did he still want things to be more than "okay?"
He doesn't love you anymore, she reminded herself yet again.
They both got out of the truck, Luke quickly walking to the other side to Lorelai.
She said something under her breath, although she meant to say it out loud. Luke thought he heard it, but wanted to be sure.
"Lorelai," he said as the wind blew above them, "what did you say?"
"What? Um, it was nothing. Really."
"Uh, okay then. Look. Why don't you c-"
"Luke," she said, starting to breath more heavily and she looked deep ion his eyes. "I have to go."
It was too much for her. She couldn't do this, not all at once, not now, when she thought that he didn't love her. That things weren't more than "okay."
She started to walk off, on her way home. The wind slowed down, but the clouds seemed to become even more dark.
He tried. He wanted things to be better. But she wasn't interested, he thought. He had blown it.
She doesn't love you anymore, remember? he thought.
She was about ten feet away when it began to rain. It slowly it built up strength and got to a restrained downfall. Not pouring rain. And not snow. Still not snow.
He was about to tell her that she left her Jeep when, before he said a word, she turned around, her hair beginning to get damp, him still standing where she left him, and looked at him. Just looked, her eyes full of all the emotion and pain she hadn't let him know about before. It killed him inside to see her that way, and for there to be nothing he could do about it. All thoughts of the rain and her car left his mind, and he couldn't do anything but look back.
She turned back and continued to walk home when she felt the rain drops on her cheeks mix with her tears.
So many things left unsaid. So many tears yet to be shed.
Finally understanding what you've been wanting to understand for a long time can hurt. Once you see the truth, it can tear you up inside.
That look, her look, told him one sure thing. He knew that what he thought she said earlier was right.
I wish we could go back, to the way things were, and that none of this ever happened.
Don't hate me, don't hate me! There is a plan for all of this, just wait. I could use some reviews to encourage me, though :-)
tbc
