Wearing Masks (Part 5)

Disclaimers

Legal:All characters are (c) Joss Whedon, Fox, Mutant Enemy and probably a whole mess of other people. No infringement of copyright intended.

Archive:Go right ahead. Just let me know, please

Spoilers:All the way up to "Who Are You?"

Summary:Buffy is Faith, and Tara is . . .

Rating:R (MPAA) - violence, language, f/f concepts

Notes:Faith (in B's body) has been captured by the Scoobies, after seducing Willow and killing Tara (in whose body the Mayor was hiding). As the gang searches for a way to switch the Slayers back, Willow reflects.

It's been three hours, and Buffy still hasn't said a word to me.

Not that I blame her. I guess, if I came back to find out that my best friend was sleeping with my worst enemy, because she thought she was me, I'd be pretty freaked out, too.

Did that sentence make any sense?

I've been best friends with Buffy for close to four years. Even though things haven't been so close between us in the last few weeks, I should have seen that something was wrong with her. Faith made plenty of mistakes, after all. So why didn't I?

Can I even admit it to myself? I'm so ashamed.

I was scared, I was tired, and as I sat in Buffy's room listening to 'her' tell me she wanted me, I just wanted to believe it too much. I know I should I have fought to go find Tara. I know I should have seen that something was wrong. I know. I know.

I just didn't want to.

It was so much easier to believe.

To believe that my best friend loved me. To believe that anyone loved me. When Oz left, there was a hole in me that Tara had only just begun to re-fill. I knew I wanted to love her, but sometimes she didn't seem like she wanted that. And then to have 'Buffy' say that she wanted me. I never stopped to ask how that could be, when she had always been dating Riley; or Parker; or Angel. I never stopped to think, at all. Instead, I did the most selfish thing I've ever done.

Because I wanted to believe someone loved me.

Even now, a part of me thinks back to what Faith said when I found out. A part of me wants to believe that she meant it when she said she was sorry. A part of me wants to believe she genuinely thinks Tara is a danger. A part of me wants to believe that what I thought she was feeling for me was real.

But that's the part of me that caused this. The part of me that betrayed Buffy. The part of me that I refuse to listen to again.

So I put aside the things that I want, and the concern I feel for Tara, and I focus myself on finding out how to help switch them back. I can never make up for what I've done to Buffy, but I will do everything I can to show her how sorry I am.

Normally, I would start my research with Giles, but he's holding Faith in his apartment, until we can reverse the body-swap and hand her back to the Council. And I just can't face her. So instead I turn to the next best library I know.

I go to Tara's room.

The door is locked, but all it takes to get in is a simple spell. I always hoped she would give me a key, but I never had the courage to ask. There were times when she seemed to prefer to be alone. Faith's words flare in my memory, but I force them down. There is nothing suspicious in sometimes wanting some privacy.

Nothing at all.

----------

An hour later, my world collapses again.

I read the page in front of me for a third time, the letters blurring as I fight back tears of shock and grief. One of the first things I asked Tara was if she knew a way to help Amy. The answer was no.

I tell myself that she could have not known about this spell. That it would be possible for her to have forgotten or missed it during her research. That this isn't proof of anything. But the words don't have any impact, and they keep getting drowned out by Faith, talking in Buffy's voice.

# "I meant what I said about Tara. Find out what she was up to. All our lives could -" #

All our lives could what? Could be in danger? Could depend on it? How would Faith know if Tara was hiding something? Why would she care? And why would it affect her?

I draw a deep breath, fighting down nausea. The spell is simple enough, and I have all of the ingredients here with me. I read the words carefully, overcoming my fear with the familiar ritual of study. I recognise elements from a dozen spells I already tried, plus one or two new ideas. But I don't know if I can bring myself to try it. If it works . . . what would it mean about Tara?

I stare blindly at the words, feeling my guilt turn on itself, pulling me first one way, then the other. I start to pace, arguing out loud to myself, barely conscious of what I'm doing.

I should wait until Buffy is back in her body to cast the spell.

I can't leave Amy like she is, not when I know I can help her.

I should focus on Buffy. I need to help her. I have to help her, after what I've done.

Amy was a witch. She could help us restore Buffy's body.

Amy's been a rat for over a year, she can wait a few more days.

If Tara is . . . not what she seems, we need to know. Amy might have seen something.

What, whilst she was a rat?

Yeah, why not?

I stop, suddenly aware how crazy I would look if anyone could see me. For a long moment I stare at the words of the spell. I saw Tara use this book dozens of times. She used it just a few days for a conjuration. There is no way she didn't know about the spell. The realisation makes me nauseous.

I have to bring Amy back. If Tara . . . if Faith was right about her, I'm going to need help. But I have to know why Faith did and said what she did, first. I don't know how I can face it, but I know I've only got one option.

I have to go see her.

----------

"Willow." Giles steps aside to let me in, then closes the door behind me. Normally, I would've walked in without bothering to knock, but I didn't know if I would be welcome, now.

"Is Buffy here?" I don't really think she will be, but I have to be sure.

"No. I'm not sure if you would be wise for you to see her at the mo-"

"I'm not looking for her." Giles looks surprised. Either because of my answer, or because I was rude enough to interrupt him. I'm not sure which. "I need to see Faith."

"Faith?" he looks confused, "Is that wise?"

I shrug. That's not a question I can answer. Instead, I lift up the cage I'm carrying. Amy chitters at Giles, scampering in her cage. She doesn't like being carried around.

"I found a spell to de-rat Amy while I was trying to find something to help Buffy." I pause, "Tara's missing, so I could really use Amy's help with the research. With what her Mom did to her in High School, she may be our best chance. But I need something from Faith to cast the spell."

"From Faith?"

"Blood. Just a couple of drops. The spell calls for 'vital fluid from a creature of power'."

I came up with this story while I was on my over. It feels wrong to lie to Giles, but I can't admit what Tara and I nearly were, and what she might have been. So I follow my prepared explanation and do my best to sound convincing.

"Meaning demon's blood."

"Slayer blood will work, too." I say this so confidently that Giles takes off his glasses and gives me a disapproving stare, forcing me to come up with an explanation. "We, uh, did some experimentation. Nothing dangerous."

He sighs and gestures upstairs,

"She's in the spare room. Come along."

I've seen Giles' spare room only a few times before. He keeps his most powerful books here; the ones I'm not supposed to read; under lock and key. Now, he's moved one of the chairs up here from the main room, and stuck a little black and white TV on a small table. Only Giles could still own a black and white TV.

Faith is slumped in the chair, watching the flickering picture on the television. She turns her head slightly to look at us, but doesn't speak. I can see that her wrists and ankles are tied to the chair. The rope seems rather thin, to me.

"Don't worry, Red." Her voice, even from Buffy's mouth, is so recognisable that I wonder how I fooled myself into not seeing who she was. "Giles has me pumped full of some wicked blue crap. Makes me weak. Right now, even Xander could kick my ass."

I glance at Giles, surprised and not a little queasy. I know what the 'blue crap' has to be. After what he went through during the Cruciamentum, I'm surprised he could bring himself to do it. He catches my glance, and looks as uncomfortable as I feel.

"Buffy insisted." His tone is almost apologetic. I'm not sure who the apology is for. Does he think I feel something for Faith? Either way, the answer upsets me even more. I knew Buffy hated Faith, but I never dreamed she would inflict this on her. Not after what she went through.

"Can I speak to Faith alone?"

Giles looks uncertain.

"It's probably not wise for anyone to be alone with her –"

"You were." I begin to object, then the truth hits me. "Oh God. You think I might try to help her, don't you?"

"Buffy –"

"Buffy?" I didn't think it could get any worse, but it has. "Buffy thinks I would . . ." I can't finish the sentence.

"I'm sure it would be fine for me to wait outside." Giles pats me gently on the shoulder. I barely notice, but the small part of me that does is grateful to him for leaving.

As the door closes softly, I turn to look at Faith, Amy's cage still hanging from my hand. I have no idea how to ask her . . . how to ask her anything. I've spent so much time hating Faith that I expected to feel anger when I saw her again. But I don't. I just feel empty.

Finally, it is Faith who speaks,

"So what's up, Red? You bring me a pet, or something?"

That cocky grin of hers is back, but the voice . . . the voice is as tired and empty as I feel. Ignoring her remark, I set the cage on the floor, then turn off the TV.

"Why?" I choke it out at last, not looking at her as I ask.

"Why what?" she quips, then sighs. She knows what I'm asking. "At first, because I knew it would screw you up as much as B. I can't say I never meant to hurt ya, because I did. But later . . ."

It's not the answer I wanted. Not at all. I want her to be her old self. Smiling and snarling and telling me how much she hates me. It might make the pain stop.

"Let me guess." I turn, "It made you feel smart, right? Clever? Pulling the wool over little old Red's eyes? That the way you felt, Faith?"

"Yeah. Sure." The flint is back in her eyes. I was right. It does make it easier. "That's exactly what I felt. Payback's a bitch, ain't it, Red?"

"I need some of your blood." I blurt out my cover story because I can't think clearly enough to say anything else.

"Okay."

My surprise must have shown, because she shrugs.

"Not much I could do to stop you, even if I wanted. Besides, my ass is on the line as much as yours. I'm not rapt to be the Council's next science project, but it beats bein' dead. What's the blood for, anyway?"

"A spell." I answer shortly, and grab her thumb, using a paring knife to cut Faith's skin. She hisses softly as I squeeze, collecting several drops of her blood in a small bowl. "Stop being such a baby." I needed to do this, anyway, so Giles wouldn't know why I really came here.

"You gonna kiss it better?" I snap my head up at the question, and she leans forward, her lips meeting mine. For a moment, I'm too surprised to react. Then I pull back.

"Still playing your game, Faith?"

"Ya could say that, Red." She laughs, and it's pure Faith, whatever she might look like. "I killed Tara this morning. Gutted her in B's kitchen. Thought I should tell you."