... ANGST! -runs around the place- Angst, angst, angst. And I happen to know that Kaoru's reaction wasn't as bad, but... well, let's just say he's not in tune to taking care of Hikaru, 'cuz they were separated since birth. I promise he'll turn. x.x I'm finding it a hard time...

Anyway. If you caught it, then this would probably drive the last nail into that conclusion. That is, if you caught my hints, of course. (If you don't know what the hell I'm talking, don't worry; just read. :D) With this being Kaoru's POV through and through, it would be hard for Hikaru to express himself other than how Kaoru sees it. So. This is is. Hikaru's letter.

Warning and Disclaimer: A bit of angst, a bit of suicide contemplation (but not). T-ish for adult themes. I don't own them, 'cuz apparently, I'm not doing Kaoru's character well...


Moment Twelve-

Letter-

I should be a good older brother, okaasan said.


My only day off in about two weeks and I'm stuck at home, snowed in, trying to fix my phonebook.

No, my phonebook isn't one that the county sends every year; it's the one when I had painstakingly recorded every one of the fashion corporations and the employee's phone numbers and contact addresses.

I close my eyes, heaving a great sigh as I sink into my desk chair. I run both of my hands through my hair, before sitting up right and fumbling with the broken pages.

It's all Hikaru's fault again, I know.

He was looking for something among my papers and he left most of my papers messed up. Unfortunately, he mistakenly grabbed my phonebook and flipped through it, not noticing that the binding was strained and broke.

And now, he's off goofing off somewhere else, leaving me to sew the bindings back together-

Maybe I really should've given it to a professional binding store to make it, I sigh.

"Kao-kun, here."

And I blink as he shoves a strange bottle into my face. It's… glue. That clear liquid that sticks everything together.

I blink, completely lost, "What am I going to do with that?"

He cocks his head as if he didn't hear my question, and pulls the fragments out of my hands. I simply turn to look at him, as he flips the glue bottle expertly in his hand. I watch dumbly, as he dribbles the liquid onto the bindings, and smoothing it together.

"Hikaru, that won't work," I deadpan as I pull the phonebook away from him, and wipe off the gooey substance from the papers.

"Aw, can't I do it?" he pouts, and tugs it away from me, and he grabs for the needle-

As he pushes in the needle, I widen my eyes, "Wait, Hikaru, you shouldn't-"

"Ow!" he yelps, dropping the needle somewhere on the floor, and he shakes his hand out. "Meep! It hurts! It hurts!"

"I told you, you shouldn't grab the tip!" I sigh exasperatedly, as I push myself out of the seat and wander into the bathroom. I rummage for a bit- and sometime then he stopped whimpering- and I grab the box of bandages quickly as

I rush back into the room.

He looks at me tearfully, his finger in his mouth, as if that would help the blood clot. Sighing, I take his hand, inspecting the small injury, and it's abnormally deep from where I can see it. I place a bandage on that, and glance at it-

"Okay, now?" I ask, slightly annoyed.

He nods quickly, and I settle back into my seat, sighing.

I take the needle again, and he watches intently as I continue to sew the binding back together-

"Wow! You're good, Kao-kun," he stares, his eyes on his fingers, but I roll my eyes. He smiles at me, before he ducks away, "Wait, here!"

I run my eyes over his retreating back as he runs down the hall, out of my room. I let out a long sigh as I put the phonebook back to the top of my shelf.

"Kao-kun?"

And he peeks around the doorframe, as if he's asking permission to enter. I simply grunt, and he flounces in happily.

"Can… can you do something for me?" he whispers like it's supposed to be one big secret, and I nod- I don't really have any other choice. He pushes a torn book into my hands, as he smiles at me happily, hesitation in his tone, "Um… it's broken for a long time… Can you fix it for me?"

I run my eyes over the worn sketchbook cover, nodding just slightly, "Why can't you fix it?"

"Because I can't!" and he says it like it's a fact, or a rule in life. He places a hand on his hip, his eyes begging, "Kao-kun, please, I can't do anything with it. It's broken, a lot."

He nods and then without another word, he dashes out of my room.

I sit there, my fingers running over the creases in the faded book. Well, I'm still stuck with doing something for him anyway.

The cover looks oddly familiar, I think, but I flip it open, wondering how on earth this thing is broken.

The spine isn't shattered, and the yellowing pages only affected one inch into the pages. There's a bit of dirt and dust on the cover, but everything else is pretty much intact. It has a light blue cover too, like my old sketchbook.

I widen my eyes, as I flip to the first page quickly, my hazel eyes running over the designs-

"Okaasan," I whisper, running my fingers over the elegantly inscribed lead. This was my mother's old sketchbook- I search the rest of the designs, but they…

I rack my memory, trying to remember the actual designs that I was poring over when I was young-

They look like they were done by the same person, but none of the sketches matches the sketches in my old book- that or my memory's rusted over the years. I flip the pages, each a dazzling design, and I'm wondering if I should dedicate a line to my mother's unpublished designs-

Suddenly, the lead's gone, and replaced with a handwriting that I've never seen before. It filled half a page- and I know, know that this wasn't my sketchbook.

I run my eyes over the words that were oddly comprehensible, although somewhat fading.

Hikaru, you might be reading this years from when I write this, but I want you to know one thing before I never see you again. First of all, I want to say happy birthday, and good luck with your studies; I might not know what you are doing now, but I still love you. Say hello to Kimiyo-san for me! I've never met her, but I'm sure she's a nice person. You should be happy. Oh, and if you ever see Kaoru, be a good big brother. I want you two to get along, so no fighting, and don't make your brother cry. Be good, Hikaru. That's all I'm asking for. You don't have to do anything else, just be good to your brother.

If you're wondering, Hikaru, you have a twin named Kaoru, if you don't know already. It was only several days ago for me…

The letter was oddly incomplete.

And then, I notice that half the page was ripped off a while ago. I flip through the rest of the book, but the pages are blank, empty, until I reach the last page, and another dark pencil was outlined here-

I think I should call this my journal. My first and last entry. I know I won't ever throw this away.

I'm Hikaru and I'm twelve years old this June 9th. I have a twin brother too, but oneesan never lets me see him. But that's okay. Maybe she'll let me go to that Tsuko-obaasan's estate again, and then I can climb up that tree and try to find him again.

But that never works. Oneesan always finds me before I do. Which kind of sucks, since she has good intuition.

I go there every year, but I only saw him once. He's kind of cute, never really smiles unless I make him, and generally a bore. But that's alright. He needs to inherit the company, I know, so I shouldn't bother him a lot. He has an important job to do, I guess.

I feel sort of guilty now. Maybe it's because that Tsuoko-san's always locking him in the room, forcing him to study or something. Maybe it's because he's the younger one and he has to take over okaasan's business no matter what.

Maybe it's because of me.

Lately, oneesan's been forcing me to design too. But I don't want to. If I don't design, then Kaoru would have a better time, and he won't have to compete against me. It'll make his life easier, right? He won't have to fight to create a living again.

I should be a good older brother, okaasan said.

But if I continue like this, then I'm making things harder to him. I shouldn't; as elder, I should just let him have it, it's no big deal, right? I don't want the company anyway- but oneesan's not convinced. She's forcing me to do everything anyway.

How?

Maybe I can stage my own death or something. That'd be interesting.

But dying is so melodramatic, it's stupid. I want to stay with Kaoru too, though. He's nice. What else can I do?

What can I do?

I blink as the words sink in. They're written in another foreign handwriting, one that's kind of like mine, and then, like fragments of a puzzle they fall-

I place the book firmly onto the desk, my mind in a state of complete confusion, questions dancing through my head, taunting me, and for the first time, I'm at a complete loss.

Hikaru… that's his confession if he ever committed suicide (or something), but he didn't- why?

How did that come from a happy, ignorant person like Hikaru? How was he convinced that he was making life harder for me? How-

No. Why did he write all that?

Why did he give it to me?

I stumble out of my chair, the book falling into my hand easily, as I wander towards the open door, my eyes searching for him-

If he had set this up, he should be somewhere nearby waiting-

I step out of my bedroom, looking up and down the halls, trying to see where Hikaru had gone. I can hear him- maybe- as I try his bedroom door first, my hand rattling the doorknob, and the door slides open easily.

I peek into his deserted room- his bed probably wasn't ever slept in, and I look, trying to catch any sign of him and-

I whip around quickly, as he dashes down the hall again.

"Hikaru!" I call and he stops, blinking at me innocently.

"Yeah, Kao-kun?" he says, turning around, hiding something behind his back. His smile's strained as he fumbles with the object-

I blink, and forgetting that I'm holding his sketchbook, I grab it from behind him, and then I see-

Two identical sketch books, one dustier than the other. I shift both of them back and forth, and opened the other up quickly, my heart rushing- it's mine. I look up at him, waiting for him to explain himself. He forces a smile-

"I had to look for it in your basement," he says, smiling again, lying again, "That… mean lady gave it to me one time. So I didn't know what to do with it."

I brush this off, and raise his book up, as his eyes widen-

"… Hikaru, why did you give me your sketchbook?"

His eyes turn big, as he watches the book, and I can almost see that he's- he's confused?

"I…" he breathes out, before taking the book from my hands, "That's mine?"

He flips it open quickly, as I watch his expression closely, and he glances at me, almost scared- He hugs it tightly to his chest, his eyes closing, before looking at me, almost imploringly, almost lost, and suddenly, I can't read it anymore.

"Y-You… read it?" he asks, and I feel a sense of nervousness tug at my heart. I nod quietly, my eyes fixed on his solemn expression. He looks down at the book, before tears collect in his watery hazel eyes-

"Kami," he whispers, and he turns into his room quickly, slamming the door closed.

"Hikaru?" I try the knob quickly, but it's locked, and I could hear his soft crying- and it's the first time he actually cried- my heart beats faster, as I hear no other response, "Hikaru?"

And I could hear a soft choked whisper-

"Leave me alone."

I messed up.

I purse my lips, leaning against the door, "Hikaru…?"

"I said leave me alone," and it's stronger. My hand twists the knob again, but it doesn't work. I sigh, exasperatedly.

"Hikaru, can you at least tell me what you meant?"

"No."

"Don't I have the right to know?"

"Yes."

"So can you tell me?"

There's a long silence, and then a, "No."

I don't want to leave him alone like that.

I inhale a deep breath as I lean against the door, listening for any audible sounds.

There's none.

And I finally admit, Hikaru's confusing me. He's been confusing me since we met.

But this is the first time I can't do anything about it.