...So I got really lazy and didn't bother to post this yet. D: This is the second part in conjunction with thirteen, and the fifteenth will end all this angst. Be happy. (The story's not ending yet, though.)
Warning and Disclaimer: Talk of suicide, murder, and blah. Note that Hikaru still has that immature voice when talking about serious things. I don't own the twins and I don't own the oneesan... actually I do. I don't like killing anime characters.
Btw, I shall shamelessly advertise the forum link I have in my profile. Check it out and help our community grow:D I don't want it to die yet. :D
Moment Fourteen-
Fault
...because by his standards, everything's his fault.
He's guilty for something. I don't get it myself, but that's what I see in him now, with all his masks removed- pity, sadness, and everything he isn't.
"Do… Do you need help, Kao-kun?" he cocks his head, perched atop a stool, as I walk towards my dresser. I shake my head, but the cold of the floor tiles are getting to me, and I sneeze, shivering slightly. He rises from his seat, "Are you sure?"
"I'm not a baby," I grumble, as he places his hands on my shoulders. I pull out another change of clothes, before pulling off my pants, before remembering that he's in the same room as I am-
"Kao-kun, can I help now?" I stiffen as his breath stains my neck. "Please?"
"Can you give me some personal space, Hikaru?" I say, giving him a strict eye, but he brushes it off, as I launch into a coughing fit. He catches my arms and pulls my shirt off, and then he pauses, doing nothing. I look at him, questionably- what's he doing? I follow his gaze, and suddenly I see the something that I've ignore for my entire life-
"Kaoru…"
He trails a finger along the scar, like he's testing it or something. He looks at me for a second and he doesn't know what to do again-
"S-Stop it, Hikaru," I pull away, rubbing subconsciously at the small scar dashing across my side, "It's nothing. It was there since I was born, alright?"
His expression changes, his eyes darkening.
"It almost killed you, Kaoru," he whispers, abandoning his innocent tone.
My eyes widen, as he grabs me and pushes me towards the bed, throwing the sheets over me again. He walks casually away, leaving me as he paces towards the door, calling back to me, "I'll go ask them for more blankets."
I shiver slightly, all my clothing gone- and it's not normal that I don't have anything to wear to sleep. I grab a handful of sheets towards me, pulling it as Hikaru dumps more blankets on the bed. He spreads it out quietly, avoiding my gaze.
After he's sure that I'm comfortable and warm, he sits on the side of the bed, not really looking at me, not really doing anything. I'm waiting, wondering, how does it know about it when even I don't?
He's delaying whatever he wants to say and I know he wants to say something because he didn't already leave.
He plays with his fingers for a while, before sighing and looking at me, downcast.
"Did you know we're brothers?"
My breath catches, and I nod, wishing that he'd stop asking me these things already- I don't like it-
"I never told you, and you never said it," he says, turning away, "But I knew we're twins. And you know we're twins."
He leans backwards, looking at the ceiling, distractedly-
"So do you… know how we were born?"
Yes, I mentally answer, twitching slightly under my sheets, and-
"Okaasan… died from massive blood loss a day after she gave birth to identical twins," he states, not looking at me, fingering a stray piece of blanket. I just watch him, my eyes open, and I'm not really sure if I should really believe him. He wipes at his eyes before continuing, "There was difficultly in the birth procedure, and the second child almost died from suffocation. The scar…"
He runs his eyes over me, before averting his eyes, "It's small now… But it made a big difference between life and death. Said child was in critical condition for several days succeeding the mother's death."
He places his head on his hands, bringing his legs onto the bed, his voice distant, "Most doctors believe that the first child had set off a chain reaction. It was supposed to be a smooth birth… but something went wrong then. Said child destroyed something along the way, thus almost killing his yet unborn twin and then his mother."
"Stop talking, Hikaru," I mumble, but it doesn't look like he's heard me.
"It's my fault okaasan died… My fault you almost died," he whispers, "But you know… it's my fault that oneesan died too."
And after thinking about it all, it is.
And I don't get why I don't like it when I fully agree with him.
Hikaru mumbles restlessly, incoherently, until I grab a hold of his sleeve. He blinks, looking at me but not really looking at me, and I'm desperate for him to at least answer me-
"How did she die?"
"Oneesan?" I nod in confirmation. He averts his hazel eyes again, and I bite my lip, hoping he wouldn't lie.
… But when did he ever lie to me?
"She died, falling off the roof of the house," he says hollowly, his eyes distant, "She was getting worried about me, that I was spending too much time up there, and," and he laughs, but it's not his usual carefree one, "-she should've. After two suicide attempts."
"Ka-kami, your suicide attempts?" I repeat, just as emptily as he did.
He nods, although it's anything but eager, or like the normal Hikaru, "It's my fault, she was trying to stop me, but I don't know what happened, but… she just fell."
"So you didn't kill her?" I ask him, tentative, and this time he looks at me with disbelief, fright-
"No, of course not! Well, not really!" he throws up his hands, turning away from me quickly, "I didn't kill her! I didn't drive her mad! It was an accident!"
I watch him, and my heart feels crushed every time he says it.
"But…" he quiets down, his hand on his head, his voice shaky, "I know why… It… It was my fault."
And I sit up, wondering what he means- because by his standards, everything's his fault-
It's not, really.
"If I wasn't there, then she wouldn't have died. She would have had kids. She would've lived happily ever after," he mumbles, his tone almost like he's in a trance. "If I wasn't ever born, then okaasan wouldn't have died, and Kao-kun wouldn't have gone with that- that… that woman. She would've lived normally, and Kao-kun could've lived normally too."
He averts his eyes away from mine, as I sit up quietly, watching his moves, watching what else he's hiding-
"And you know, this is my fault too. Tsuko-san was right," he whispers quietly, "I'm making life living hell for you."
"No, it's not, it's not your fault," I say quickly, as if he would stop thinking about all this and turn back into the Hikaru I knew. But he's not listening, completely ignoring me.
"So that's why I've decided…"
"I don't want to hear it," I retort, crossing my eyes. He just looks at me and smiles.
"It's alright, because then, tomorrow, when you get better and you're not sick, I won't annoy you anymore."
