"I remember brown eyes, so sad in blue skies…"
MUSING
It was the worst day of my life. The pinnacle point between never-ending misery, and never-ending misery. But the emotion was varied in this twisted little seesaw. One option was the amazingly horrendous thought of leaving the very meaning of my life. It made me feel like my stomach was dropping down lower than it was made to do, a sensation I haven't't felt in the past ninety-something years of my life. Then the other option- spend my time with her, put her in constant danger for my own needs, then live with the weight of knowing that I had been the death of her.
Selfish.
I had never thought of myself as selfish before I had met Bella. I never once complained to the family about my worries, not since my rebel years in the earlier time of my new life.
But she had changed everything about me, for better and worse, all at once. I had the benefit of seeing myself through Carlisle's perception, to know what the world thought of me. And they would think that Bella had completely thrown the usual Edward Cullen violently from his tracks- something I had once deemed impossible. But Alice had long since shown me that things were never set in stone.
Alice was angry with me. I knew it the moment I had finally made my decision to uproot the family from Forks. My mind automatically brought back the look of pure, unenclosed anger glittering in her tawny eyes. But she had no say in my decisions. Bella's involvement with this family was of my doing, and it was my duty to make the decisions having to do with her. It was my duty to ensure her safety. My duty to love her, from whatever distance that was essential to her survival.
And for her survival, I knew I would have to be where Victoria was. I would try out the little I had figured out about James' gift, and track the redhead down and remove the problem. Then I would retreat as far away as possible from my love.
Just what I was doing now. I was running, running hard. I didn't want to see Bella's reaction, didn't want to see what she did when she got home. Would she call someone, tell them the secrets of my family? I doubted it, but I knew not to assume when it came to Bella's judgment. I refused to think of the disbelief, the deceit, and the pain in my love's eyes as I made my final request. It was not fair to ask her to do something for me, in my time of disloyalty, but it was all I could ever hope for Bella. Be safe, be loved.
And when it came to where she had to be loved and protected by someone other than me, I took the plunge.
I really liked to think that I was not being disloyal, but as tuned in as possible. To go against everything I know, for Bella's own good. I believe that my loyalty was the thing that only a skilled, passionate writer could come up with for their characters. Alice had done almost everything in her power to change my decision, even going as far to attempt at dreaming up false visions of Bella being curled up and alone in the woods.
Even though I was tempted to go back and make sure she was alright, I couldn't now. I told Alice to rid Bella from her thoughts.
I refused to let this family continue the dreadful hold we had on the girl.
Bella needed to be normal, to have a family, and live her life. Bella needed to be normal, to have a family, and live her life. Need to be normal, have family, live life. Bella. Normal. Family. Live.
Life.
I recited those words to myself as a chaotic mantra on my way out of Forks. I could barely remember which way I was going. Our family was going to stay in another one of our houses, on the other side of the family. Not like I would be staying there long.
I wasn't going to try to keep up with them. I was already starting to feel the side effects of my horrid decision, almost welcoming the depression growing rapidly through me. Hunting Victoria was only going to be an attempted distraction.
But Bella was something I could never be fully distracted from.
Back at the house, Alice was worse than angry.
As 'freaks among freaks', we were the closest, if not to count for the couples. We were so much more than siblings. We were each other's secret keepers, best friends. And coming home to see her turn her back and flit away was almost too much for me to bear.
It's almost funny, how you've no idea to how you've just destroyed this family's happiness. She thought at me venomously before her thoughts were turned to Jasper. I sighed, and very nearly turned straight back around to start my search early. But I knew that it would only further scar my connection with the family.
I walked quietly along, through the maze of hallways in this unfamiliar house. I let my fingers run along the cool walls as I passed, searching out Carlisle. Even though I had already made my decision, I wanted to run through ideas for tracking Victoria with him first, but it looked like he wasn't anywhere in the house, and neither was Esme. New plan- talk to Rosalie?
It was five to two in the decision to leave Forks- of course Rosalie was in on it. I let out a small growl, knowing that her reasons and my own reasons for departure were on complete opposite sides of the spectrum. I rolled my eyes and searched for her thoughts. But there were no vanity-based critiques anywhere in the house. Emmett was missing too.
I had come back to no one but Alice and Jasper, who were both mad at me, though I knew Jasper only had an opinion because Alice felt so strongly. I growled and kicked over a table, hearing a smash behind me. I didn't bother to look for the source. I nearly ran through the house, gathering up a small bag of clothes, my mother's jewelry box, my favorite CDs, and my phone.
"I'm leaving. Don't miss me." I yelled, knowing damn well that they would have heard me if I had just whispered. I slammed the door behind me, feeling some waves of calm tugging at my mind, but I fought them off systematically. I heard Alice's worried thoughts as she started to get up, and I quickly closed the distance to my car, getting in and starting it almost simultaneously. Then I was driving away from the house, reaching 90 MPH before I hit the main street.
AN- If you haven't realized yet, this was from Edward's point of view, following their little 'talk' in the woods that would pretty much destroy Bella's life... Of course Edward is too stubborn to realize that Alice's visions were true.
Sorry for not updating, but hey, here's my little holiday gift basket for anyone who is reading my story. Now if we could get some lovely people to leave some reviews as presents, my holidays would be complete.
