Arthur Weasley sighed. Ever since he had brought home that 54-inch Sony Plasma TV to look at for suspected magical contamination, (whenever it switched to a reality show the user watching it grew pimples on their arm that spelled out "YOU ARE A MORON", and secretly Arthur was rather pleased with the change) his dear wife Molly had been watching the 24-Hour Dental Network endlessly for days. Unless Molly had suddenly taken a great interest in root canals, Arthur saw no reason as to why she loved the network so much.
He walked into the living room and saw the flickering light of the television screen, still on as it had been for the past 78 hours. He sighed again, and then once more for good measure. He walked into the kitchen and did some kitchen-related things in there that are no longer our concern because we no longer need to focus on him in the narrative.
---
Molly Weasley sighed. But this was not a sigh of frustration or sadness, this was a sigh of love. She watched the television as the host of Gingivitish! walked onto the set.
"Hello, viewers," said Henry Granger, the host. "Today we have a special program planned for all of you!"
Molly sighed again. How she missed Henry, his loving caress, his romantic speeches, his delicious bouillabaisse… if there was only a way to talk to him again.
Henry continued. "Well, first, we'll need a volunteer. Anyone?"
A cheer formed in the studio audience. After taking life, the cheer ran out the door, shouting, "I'm free! I'm free!" Nobody ever saw it again.
"That was decidedly odd," said Henry. He walked up to a member of the audience, a 20-something year old woman who giggled often. "Come up to the stage with me!" he said. The walked up to the stage.
"Please, sit down." He gestured to a seat. The woman, giggling all the way, sat down. Suddenly, metal clamps locked her into the chair.
"Wh-what's going on?" she stammered.
Henry smiled. "Today, we're going to see what happens when you perform a gingivitis operation on someone without anesthetics!" There was applause. "And this time, we're going to use a drill!" He pulled out a five-foot drill from his pocket. A cheer erupted in the audience, but this time, it died down before it could have done any damage, thankfully.
"I- I don't see how this is necessary," said the woman, starting to panic. "I mean, I've had perfect teeth my entire life, and furthermore, a drill isn't necessary in a gingivitiAAAAUUUUURRRGGGGHHHHHHHH…"
This continued for some 30-odd minutes until the program was done. Henry cleaned off the blood from the drill, turned to the camera, and grinned.
"If you would ever like to contact me, my home address (which for some reason I see nothing wrong with giving out on network television) is 5 Crivet Drive. Thank you and have a good day!"
Molly smiled widely and turned of the television. (In the kitchen, Arthur sighed with relief.) This could finally be her change to get in touch again with the man she truly loved. She sighed with love in her heart.
Historians would later note that that day had a curious amount of sighing.
---
Ron sighed. "So if my mom and Hermione's dad had a child, does that means if I like Hermione, it's… um… incest?"
Ron was stupid.
Harry said irritably, "For the last time Ron, I DON'T KNOW."
The two boys were sitting in the boys' dormitory. Downstairs, Serendipity was being crowded by seven years' worth of crazed students.
Ron stood up and said, "Well, I'm going to go talk to Serendipity. She is my cousin, you know."
"Your sister, Ron."
"Whatever!"
Ron stomped down the stairs in a fury. Harry, curious, followed him in silence.
Of course, they were both wrong. Serendipity was Ron's half-sister.
---
Serendipity was dressed in a flowing orange dress. Ruffles extended from her sleeves and from random places about knee-down, and they were green, and glowed in the dark. Spikes stuck out from her back, and they were iron ore, with pretty daisies on the sharp tips. The dress cascaded down to her feet, and flowed away from her so much, the entire common room was covered in gold fabric (the dress was gold). She was beautiful.
She smiled and flashed her teeth, and the sheer beauty of her ruby-red lips and pearly white teeth killed four first-years because of sheer shock (For this is Britain, remember – nobody has good teeth). This was a good thing, because they would have grown up to be the four greatest dark wizards known to mankind.
The first one, whose name was Clark Cleavont, would grow up to have the greatest mastery of potions of all time. In his seventh year, he would slip the Draught of Living Death into the drinks of all the professors at Hogwarts. The mystery of the Great Potion Attack, as it would have been called, would have shocked and stumped the wizarding world for years to come. He was the subtlest of the four, but his mastery of potions and his ability to slip a killing potion into the drinks of practically everyone would make everyone fearful of drinking, and would lower the economy drastically because of lack of drink sales, and kill many because of thirst.
The second, known by John Writhers in Hogwarts but SpellMaster-X later on, would excel with his wand. His knowledge of charms was surpassed by no other, and it was often he who killed people individually, instead of the mass killings the others often did. It was he who re-popularized the Dark Mark (except it would now be known as DarkMark-X because that would be fashionable) and was the most feared by the common wizard.
The third, known as Emily Malfoy-Parkinson (unrelated to neither Draco nor Pansy as it turns out) would become the brilliant seductress Emilalialia. She would be completely, utterly beautiful, although some later historians would believe that she wasn't naturally beautiful, but SpellMaster-X had charmed her so people would look at her that way. Daily, it seemed, she'd "sell herself out" to over 100 men. Her special killing ability would be, of course, the STDs. (They were magical STDs, of course.)
The fourth, Gregory Darkwater, who would be known as, among other things, Voldemort Jr., Killer of All, Death Bringer, and Destroyer, would be unimportant.
Together they would form the world's most ever feared group: the Four Killers. From the coast of the Antartic to the farthest reaches of Siberia, their names would be feared and revered for years to come even after Bobby James Potter (the son of Draco and Pansy) would finally slay them all. They would cause death and destruction that the world would never recover from fully.
But this is largely irrelevant as they all just died.
---
Ron stormed down the stairs in a fury, but stopped when he first saw Serendipity. She was alone in the room. (The others had all retired to their rooms in the split second between this scene and the previous one, except for the four dead ones, because they're dead.) His anger immediately softened. He walked in a trance towards Serendipity, fumbled over the carcass of Clark Cleavont, and landed in her arms. He got up, dusted himself off, and stared into her eyes.
"Serendipity," he said, "ever since I saw you today, I've been struck by an undying love and desire for you. When I look at you, I feel happy, happier than I've ever been in my life. You cheep me up when I am down, and your sight alone brings joy to my entire self, my entire being. I can't live without you, and I just realized that. What I'm trying to say, Serendipity, is… will you marry me?"
"Kay, whatever," said Serendipity. They snogged.
Harry watched from the shadows. He whispered to himself, "Oh… Ron will pay. He will pay…" He took a deep breath.
"Weddings are getting very expensive this year."
