"At last, Serendipity Weasley-Granger," sneered Voldemort, "I have found you! This time I will not be so foolish as to grant you time sufficient enough to plant a big ol' Avada Kedavra (as he said this, he waved his wand theatrically, killing Hermione who had just ran into the common room) on me; for you see, this time I will not linger and dawdle, and act with surprising speed in the act of killing you with this wand I have here by saying Avada Kedavra (Harry, sobbing over Hermione's corpse, dropped dead) instead of the opposite situation occurring, which frankly I was disappointed to find happen all those years ago when it happened. Ergo, I… uh… Serendipity?"
"Yes?" she asked, cupping her chin, the color of the blood that was on it.
Serendipity knew, of course, the literary technique of irony, which Voldemort was using quite masterfully, but she refused to heighten the humor and irony of the situation by killing him in the middle of his long-winded dialogue, for many reasons all of which being she was a bitch. Voldemort was about to ask her why she wasn't following the classic comedy routine when Ron jumped out of his seat, his cheeks redder than Harry's hair. (This is of course an easy task for a cheek; a seemingly more apt comparison would have been with Ron's red hair – however, the cheek was not nearly that red and such a simile would have been a bald-faced lie. It is important to explain these odd literary choices so that the reader does not pause in bemusement, breaking the flow of the narrative.)
"Imperius!" Ron shouted, pointing his wand at Voldemort. Unfortunately, the curse backfired as Ron was holding his wand the wrong way, and it hit Ron square in the forehead.
Everyone gasped.
Nothing happened, of course.
"Enough!" cried Voldemort, and he cried, "Avada Kedavra!" pointing his wand straight at Serendipity. A green curse shot out of it. She ate it.
"You did what?" asked Harry, only catching the last bits of the narrative as he had been preoccupied, being dead.
"Don't you see," said Serendipity, her eyes twinkling in a manner that could only suggest long, boring exposition to follow. "I'm the lead character! ("No, I am," said Harry, but nobody noticed.) I can't just die from an Avada Kedavra curse; that's incredibly anticlimactic. ("Well, I did in book seven," said Harry indignantly, but nobody noticed.) I have to die by some tragic, unstoppable force of nature and biology that raises deep questions on man's power over his own fate and the seemingly blithe will of a divine being. ("Technically I didn't die, though, I was in wizard limbo and Dumbledore bored me to tears with his long, boring exposition," said Harry, but he might as well have put a pistol to his head and shot himself, because although still nobody would have noticed, he would have at least shut up.) Luckily, this sudden revelation of my hemophilia seems to work just fine. (Harry put a pistol to his head and shot himself, but nobody noticed.)"
"That's incredibly stupid," said Voldemort, who then shouted "Avada Kedavra!" again and Serendipity cascaded to the floor, dead, because the narrator agrees.
Fade to black.
--
"Wait a minute," said Ron. "I refuse to believe that this tale is going to have a deus-ex-avada-kedavra (Voldemort died.) ending. It's incredibly unsatisfying. Besides," he continued, speeding up as the room was getting darker, "we never had a Chapter 6, and didn't Serendipity say something about one last chapter, when she was telling me about that siblings bit. Sorry," he added, bumping blindly into Serendipity's corpse, as the room was already pitch black. "Whatever happened to that plot point anyway?"
Everyone alived in shock. The room suddenly lit up. Were there a record player present, it would have scratched to a stop. There was in fact one lying near Hermione, but it refused to scratch out of protest to the previous sentence.
"WE NEVER HAD A CHAPTER 6?" they cried in unison.
Everyone started pacing frantically, mumbling to themselves and each other. Ron blinked.
"I really don't see what the problem is," he said.
"Don't you see, Ron!" said Hermione, seizing him by the shoulders. "If we said there was a Chapter 6 and there isn't one, then we have… we have a plot hole!"
"This story is so structurally inconsistent that I don't think it – "
Hermione slapped him. "Now's not the time!"
They paced and paced and paced some more, when Harry suddenly shouted, "That's it!"
Everyone stared at him.
"Quick," he said, "Someone say something cliffhanger-y!"
"Um… uh… Ron!" cried Serendipity. "I'm actually your mother!"
