I had one more visit. It was the last I got. Azl had made far more progress with me than before. I screamed constantly for him to let me go, that I didn't deserve this, and for my mother. I was constantly in tears, partially from the pain, partially from the knowledge that I shouldn't be here, taking this punishment. My only companion was Azl, Azl who rejoiced in my pain, Azl who delighted in my anguish. Fujo visited me again, giving me a wonderful break from Azl's torment. I wouldn't go back to my prison, I swore it as I entered the visitor's room. I could see from the shock on his face how bad I looked.
"Oh, Taraju . . ."
"Fujo," I said, "this is all a mistake. I'm not supposed to be in there."
"I know," he said miserably.
He had no idea. "No, you don't. I'm Taraju."
"You're not making any sense."
I tried to explain, and messed it up wonderfully. "I'm Taraju, not Akasare. He's gone now. I'm good, I'm clean, I'm pure. I'm not supposed to be punished, he is."
"What do you mean?"
"Akasare's gone," I explained desperately. "He's left me."
"I don't understand."
"Jadi did it. He brought Akasare back, but not me. I'm free. And I'm not supposed to be in here now. You have to do something. I can't go back in there. I just can't."
"You're not lying?" I saw doubt in his eyes. I realized how insane I must have seemed. Who knew, maybe the entire thing was just another one of Azl's tricks. If it was, it was working. Despair had become just as much of a companion as him.
"No, just have them look, have them check, and they'll see. Just get me out of here." I pressed against the barrier that they had absolutely refused to let down now, not even for my father, not after what I did to Asari. "I can't go back. Fujo, I'm going insane."
"I'll try," he said.
"Please," I begged desperately. "Hurry." I felt a strange feeling in my hind legs. I dropped my paws as I looked down to see vines wrapping around me. They grabbed my forelegs as well. I struggled as hard as I could. I wouldn't go. I couldn't go.
"Time to come back," said Azl's voice, floating out to me unmercifully, Azl putting every measure of fear he could into it.
"No!" I screamed at him. "No! I won't go back! I won't go back!" Azl laughed mercilessly. The vines tugged unevenly and I fell to the ground. I looked up at Fujo who was staring at me in shock. "Fujo," I begged, "please—help me!" I was pulled through and saw Azl's face above mine.
"I'm sorry," he said. "Your session is up." His jaws clamped down across my neck. He tossed me across the room, my neck trailing blood. I landed with a sickening thud, letting out a scream of pain as I landed.
Fujo did try. He achieved nothing. No one would listen to him.
oOo
I continued to suffer under Azl. His mind never failed to find new ways to strip away mine. Every second under him I slipped closer to insanity. I was turning into that beast he said I was, one that only thought of itself, of its survival, the animal that was dumb and witless and scared of all things. I was going downward even faster than when Akasare was with me. I fought back as hard as I could, forcing him to wrench away every fiber of sanity that he took from my grasp. I begged him to stop, I pleaded with him, I tried to bargain. His torture continued.
I tried everything. I fought back, being swatted down every time. I tried to run. The room was endless. There was no escape. Azl could outrun me any day with his muscle-bound legs or his massive wings.
But then I tried something so desperate, so stupid, it had no chance of working. After he healed me, I grabbed his face in my paws and pressed my lips against his. He pushed me away after a stunned second, his eyes wide. He said four words.
"I'm not like that."
"Listen to me," I said. I had finally gotten him to stop. Yes, it was in a way that disgusted both him and me, but it worked didn't it? "You need to stop. I am pure. Please, stop." I tried to put every ounce of honesty I had behind my words.
He stared at me incredulously. "You kissed me!"
"Um . . . well, yes."
"Oh, for the love of—that's a first! Of all these years—"
"You know, I really just touched your mouth."
"With yours!"
"Kissing is done with the tongue," I pointed out.
"Like hell that wasn't a—"
"Listen! Please! I had to make you stop!" His face turned into a snarl as he heard those words, realizing what I had done. He drew back a paw to hit me again. I cowered, begging him, "Wait! Please! Just listen to me! Listen, and I'll never, ever try anything again! Just please listen! Just this once!"
He slowly lowered his paw as he looked at my desperate, tear-filled eyes. "Talk."
"I—I don't have any evil in me. It's the truth. You have to be able to see that. I'm pure. Jadi tore me apart. It's the only explanation I have. Please, just check it. I'm good. Doesn't that mean I should be free?"
He stared at me. "Yes . . . maybe."
"Please, you have to believe me. Please."
"You're telling the truth?" I could see his eyes looking into mine for a sign of deceit.
"Yes. All of it. Please believe me."
He stared at me. Just stared, looking at me. Then he did something I hadn't expected. He drew me close to him in a hug with his forelegs, supported by his wings. "I'm sorry," he whispered. He drew back from me. "Forgive me. Please." He was ashamed. I could see that.
"Just get me out of here," I said.
He smiled. "Fair enough." He turned and walked toward a rectangle that had just opened, full of golden savannah. "I'll do what I can." He paused before he left, turned to me, and waved his paw. "Here. I imagine you're hungry." A carcass and a pool of water appeared. He made for the rectangle and stopped again. "If I find out you're lying . . ."
"I'm not."
"Alright." He walked through the rectangle. I smiled as I watched him go. Actually smiled. It closed, then suddenly reopened as he stuck his head in again. "And that—thing. With the lips and all that—"
"Never happened."
"Great." He left again.
I sighed. I had hope. There was something different about that conversation. Then it hit me. I was no longer scared of Azl. I hadn't been for quite some time now. Not since I had been torn apart. You could put me in with any malaiki, and I'd be fine. I really was fine. I began to eagerly tear strips off the carcass, my need being assuaged for the first time in I didn't know how long.
oOo
I was bored. That's the blunt fact. I had been waiting so long for Azl. I hadn't seen anyone. I know it probably sounds kind of bad to be bored when you're entire future hangs entirely on the word of an animal, but I was. At least I was well cared for. The carcass refilled itself when I wanted more and the pool . . . well, who had ever know to a lion to drink an entire pool? I had only had one complaint. It was a wildebeest carcass. Now, anyone can get tired of eating the same thing day in and day out. It's predictable that I would have gotten tired of it. But when I didn't really like it in the first place . . . ugh.
Azl finally walked into my prison again. I stood up, ready to leave, and to finally get an antelope instead of a wildebeest. Even a buffalo, or a zebra. But a small party of me said He's here to torture. Not to free. His face was unreadable. "Well?" I finally asked.
"Through there." Azl pointed to the pure white rectangle he had just come through.
"Am I free?"
"Through there."
I slowly walked through the rectangle. The place was so bright. My eyes seared with pain for an instant, and then they were fine. I felt—better. Whole. The best word would be "sane." I felt as if everything done in my prison had been a horrible weight, and it had all been lifted, all at once. You have no idea what sweet relief that was.
I looked around. On pedestals of varying height there sat animals, some which I had seen before, others which I hadn't even heard of. These were the gods, I realized. They were in a semicircle in front of me. Around each one of them shone an aura. I suddenly noticed a seemingly minor detail. They were all carnivores. Not all of the gods were here. Just the bigger ones. I swallowed, feeling insignificant. I didn't know what was expected of me. A lion sitting on the highest pedestal addressed me.
"Come closer."
I hesitantly stepped into the semicircle. I looked over at Azl. He obviously felt none of the pressure and need for formality I did. He was lying down on his back. I would have thought that would be uncomfortable with wings, but he seemed right at home with it. I looked up at the gods. They stared down at me, some solemn, others cheerful. I bowed low. It brought out a few more smiles. They weren't exactly happy smiles. More amused, as if I'd done something wrong.
Which I had. "Oh, get up," said a female cheetah. I straightened up.
"You don't need to bow," said a second lion.
"Yes, sire," I said nervously.
"Sir." I turned to see Azl with a paw in the air, one digit extended. The paw dropped back down, Azl being the perfect picture of laziness.
More déjà vu followed. "It's quite alright, Azl," said the first lion. He looked back at me. "I suppose we should begin by saying that we are sorry for what we've done to you. Please, don't think badly of Azl. He is one of the most compassionate malaiki there are."
"Yeah, sorry, no hard feelings and all that crap," said Azl.
The first lion's smile twitched. A cat with a beautiful, black and orange striped body, the first full tiger I had seen, spoke. "Although his composure could do with some work." Azl smiled.
The first lion spoke again. "If you are angry with anyone, it should be us. You see, we ordered Azl to do this. We can only trust malaiki to carry out the acts in Purgatory. They will not become emotionally involved, and they will do their best. They can't be merciful; their compassion leaves no room for it. Azl wanted to get you through there as quickly as possible after he was told your situation. We all did. We are very proud of your sacrifice, Taraju. Azl especially. He pushed you harder than we thought he could. You could have easily been out after ten years."
"But—but you sentenced me to two hundred forty. Sir."
The lion smiled. He opened his mouth to speak, but a leopard beat him to it. "Those old years mean nothing. They were there for when the malaiki were inexperienced. Years could go by and there would only be minor progress. They were repulsed by what they are forced to do in there. They still are. But they're better now. They understand the reasons why. Ever since the first one was released, they have worked so much more efficiently. Especially Azl." Azl smiled up at the leopard.
"Although he did make one rather large slip this time," said the second lion. The grin vanished from Azl's face. "And that would have had some very interesting consequences if it occurred."
"You gave us that reflex," said Azl, pointing at the second lion. "It was your idea. You, specifically."
"Well, you have to mate—"
"Mano, don't you think this has gotten a little off track?" asked the leopard. His mate smiled as Mano, the second lion's smile faded slightly. "Aiheu, can we please get back to what we came here for?"
Aiheu, the first lion, nodded. "Thank you, Rahimu." Aiheu looked down at me. "You see, the malaiki torture you so that you pay for your deeds. They go until they reach a point where they feel that you've paid enough."
"Until they break you," said a hyena in a low, menacing voice.
Aiheu nodded. "Yes. As Roh'kash says, until they break you. Some cases don't have to go that far, but they are very, very few. We do not put an animal in Purgatory unless we are certain that they deserve it."
"No one deserves it," I said. "You have no idea what it's like in there. Sir," I hurriedly added.
Aiheu gave me a sad smile. "That may be. But it is the best option we have. It's much kinder than the alternative."
"What alternative?"
The tigress spoke again. "We could have let them stay in Heaven," she said. "We did with the first few. They weren't happy with the rules. They broke them. The others suffered, horribly. We had to punish the ones that did wrong. Purgatory was created as a temporary thing. The animals were released after, at most, a year. But they continued to sin."
"So we had to resort to more permanent measures," said Rahimu. "We gave them hundreds of years in Purgatory, judging them before they even came so there would be no more suffering in Heaven. They were thrown in as soon as they came. Like you almost were. Very few of them ever saw Heaven."
"But Afriti came along and demanded some of the souls," said Roh'kash. "Afriti wanted a share. We let one be taken while we debated. It was Afriti's choice of which one to take. Afriti took a particularly miserable lion. One that looked astonishingly like you. But Afriti said that one wasn't good enough. Afriti freed the first one, and demanded that we empty Purgatory."
"We decided to do it," said Mano. "But it took years. Afriti just grew angrier and said we were stalling. Made threats to wreak destruction on the world."
"You see, we had no choice," said Aiheu. "We couldn't stop Afriti. We had been the cause of our own undoing when we made mortals like you. Imperfect. Easy to tempt. And Afriti did tempt you. Afriti argued that the ones in Purgatory were the ones that had evil in them, and he was right. They were miserable in Heaven, trying to follow our rules. Afriti appealed to our sense of virtue, saying that we were condemning them to suffer pointing out that even if they served their term, they would only sin again, and be put in Purgatory once more. Afriti wanted to take them to Hell."
"It was logical. It was most likely true that the animals would fall into their old ways after they left Purgatory, even if it took hundreds of years to undue the inhibition we placed by the punishment," said a cheetah. "They had broken inhibitions before, why not this one, too? So we let Afriti take the first soul and we let the two of them speak to the animals in Purgatory. Nearly all of them followed."
Aiheu sighed. "It wasn't until later that we realized the mistake. We freed the animals that did stay in Heaven, after their terms had been completed. None of them had broken as you would have. Few were in as bad shape as you were. The malaiki didn't understand enough then. But none of the animals that were released, not one, has done a single wrong thing. They are good, caring souls. We never expected it."
"They chose to stay," I pointed out.
"Yes," said the tigress. "We came to that conclusion. But Aiheu exaggerates when he says that they have never done any wrong. Every single one of them has done a wrong thing. But they have done nothing more extreme than the souls who never went to Purgatory. Even in Heaven there are little fights."
"As Fela points out, they have done minor things," said Aiheu. "I meant, however, that there was none of what there was before. There used to be rape, and bloodshed, and betrayal in Heaven. There is no more of that.
"Just one big happy family," interjected Azl.
Aiheu smiled. "In a sense. So Purgatory was established. And we made our biggest mistake. Every ten years Afriti sends the First to collect the animals from Purgatory. And we watched them go, animals that could have been good, if only we had waited and hadn't listened to Afriti's persuasion. Afriti hopes to become stronger than us, and to use his power and numbers to destroy us, and bring about what he feels the world should be like. So far, it has not come to that. There is still more good in the world. We have more strength."
"For now," added Rahimu pessimistically. All of the smiles shrank a little.
"Maybe not even now," said a cheetah.
"What do you mean, sir?" I asked. I half-expected them to say that I didn't need to know. I didn't know that the gods rarely withheld information from us.
"A cub was born recently," said Fela. "To your nephew. He could completely chance the balance of power. He will completely change it."
"But that is not what we called you here for," said a tiger, completely across the circle from Fela.
"We asked you to come here to give you a privilege," said Mano.
I had imagined that this was the reason that I was here, but still, receiving my freedom was something that seemed like a dream. And now it was here. I would be privileged with my freedom. With seeing my family once again. "Sir—I don't know how long I've waited for this."
"Aren't we cocky?" asked Roh'kash. I didn't understand.
Aiheu smiled. "Roh'kash, he doesn't know. Taraju, are here to offer you freedom. But we want to give you something else. You see, your soul is pure. Completely. There is no evil." He paused. "So we want to offer you a place."
"A place where, sir?" I asked.
"With us," said Mano. "Taraju, we want to offer you the chance to be a god."
I was understandably stunned. My mouth blurted out, "You must be joking."
A ripple of laughter went around the group. Mano rarely joked. "No, Taraju," said Fela. "You have a clean soul. It's all you need."
"Ma'am, I—I can't be a god. I shouldn't, should I?"
Fela smiled. "You're thinking of your past. It doesn't matter anymore. You have every right to be accorded this honor, especially after what we put you through. We want you to join us Taraju. We're asking you."
"I realize it's an honor, ma'am, but . . ."
"Yes?" asked Fela politely.
"I don't think I'm supposed to be a god. I did some very bad things. I can't just forget them."
"Oh, there are ways," said Roh'kash. Amused smiles flicked around the group.
"But I don't want to forget them, sir. I want to be Taraju."
"We're not asking you to, Taraju," said Fela. "We're just asking you to join us. We could give you knowledge, Taraju. And power. Power to change the world, to make it a better place."
My mind flicked to the paradise I had tried to change the Outlands to. It was tempting. But there was still that nagging doubt. What if I misused it? I could hurt more animals than I ever had, than Akasare ever would. I wouldn't hurt anybody intentionally, I couldn't think about hurting anyone that way anymore, not unless I had a reason. But accidents happened. And the mistakes I could make as a god . . . I shuddered to think of the consequences. "Ma'am . . ."
"Yes?"
"Is—is it my choice?"
"Your choice, Taraju. Only you can decide."
My choice. And so much hung with what I said. I had no doubt that I couldn't just change my mind in a few days and say that I wanted the other way instead. "Ma'am . . . ma'am, I just don't think I could be a god."
Aiheu asked, "Do you refuse the offer?"
I looked down at the floor. They should have given me more time to choose, really. You can't just ask someone on the spot to be a god. Even if I had just had a day longer, that would have been a little more reassuring. But I think I still would have come to the same conclusion. "Yes, sir," I finally said. "I refuse."
Rahimu smiled. I later found out that he never thought I was capable in the first place. Only he and Fela, despite her pressuring, were the only ones who saw beforepaw. "Very well," said Aiheu. "It truly is a shame. I believe you would have been a grand god. However, it was your choice." He held up one of his shining paws. "But your soul is pure. We must grant you this."
I felt strange. I still don't know the exact words for it. I felt a warm glow go through my body. Saying it was wonderful doesn't do it justice. I looked down at my paws to see they were encased in a shining, golden aura, as was the rest of my body.
I looked back up at Aiheu. "We name you Ilemi, Illuminati of Heaven." I looked over at Azl. Saint, he mouthed.
I turned back to the gods and bowed low. "Thank you, sir."
Fela smiled. "Oh, get up."
"Yes, ma'am."
oOo
I took my first free step into Heaven and breathed in the air. I suppose I was expecting something like an epiphany, something startling and amazing, some revelation that all my tortures had given me. Just something that really touched me, made me feel—different. There was nothing that did that. I was just happy. Joyously, gloriously happy, but just happy nonetheless. The air tasted no different, the savannah was the same as the month that I spent there, the sunset was still beautiful, and it was nothing more than gloriously comforting to me to have this rather than the cold prison that I had inhabited for so long.
What touched me was the thing that hit me next. I mean hit me. Tackled me to the ground, laughing. I was stunned as I hit the ground, and turned over to see Asari's smiling face. I smiled back. I reached out and touched her face gently. That one touch was wonderful.
You can take an animal away from its home, from its den, from all the land it ever knew, and they'll be fine. But you cannot separate them from the ones they know. I began to cry, slowly, and then I broke down in a rush as I wrapped my foreleg around Asari's neck and pulled her down to my chest. Gods, just to touch someone. I don't know exactly how long I spent in that wonderful embrace. Minutes, I'm sure.
Dad was there, too. And Granddad, and Grandma, and Mpande, and Fujo. I couldn't stop crying. It was so good to have them here. Azl should have done this to me, should have given me all of them, and then have taken them away. Nothing would shatter me more than that right now.
Asari pulled her neck free of my grasp and stared down at me happily. She licked away some of the tears that were on my face. "You're home, Aka."
"About time," said Fujo, grinning. "Asari, are you going to hog him all to yourself, or do the rest of us get to welcome him back, too?"
She smiled as she got off my stomach. I sat up and had Dad grab me with a paw, drawing me into a hug. I embraced him as well, blinking away happy tears. "It's so good to be back."
"I don't want to ever see you like that again," Dad whispered. He leaned back. "You're too good to go through that."
"We kept on wondering when they were going to release you," said Granddad. "They told us it'd be today."
"Yeah, what took you so long?" asked Fujo. "Did they have to bind it with blood or something?"
Claws slashing across my neck, then cutting off my paw. A red pawprint on a white rectangle.
"Oh, uh, sorry," apologized Fujo. "Touchy subject?"
I hadn't realized it had shown that much. But those words had brought back that memory like a slap in the face. It hit me: none of those years were gone. I remembered them. I might be fine, I might be sane, but they were still there. This was how we stayed in line, all of us who went through Purgatory. We knew exactly why we didn't want to do wrong.
I tried to smile. "Forget it, Fujo. I'm fine."
He grinned. "Doubt it."
"We were so worried about you," said Grandma. She wasn't like I remembered her last, all old and—well, just old. I guess you couldn't even say she was ugly back then. But now she was radiantly beautiful. It was obvious what had captured Granddad's attention. She put stroked my face. "We thought you'd be out a lot sooner."
"They wanted to talk," I explained. "About my position."
"Position?" came from everyone.
"Yeah. They made me an Illuminati. Named me Ilemi, like I actually needed a new name."
They all seemed to notice my aura at the same time. "I can't believe it," said Fujo. "You have got to tell me everything they do up there."
"Fujo, I don't think that was in the list of duties."
"It's a bonus."
I felt Asari flow against my body. She kissed me before saying, "We're just glad to have you back."
"Yeah. Hey, Mvushi," called Fujo. "Come on out."
My killer was hiding behind Granddad. Mvushi reluctantly came out from behind Granddad so I could see him plainly. The four scars that I had given him were gone. I wondered if the ones on my face were there. From what I remembered, I had seen them in the pool. I was sure I could get rid of them whenever I wanted.
There was silence as Mvushi stared at me. He finally said, "I'm not sorry for what I did."
I hesitated before saying, "There's . . . no reason to be. It's me who's sorry."
He looked at me hard before saying, "Just so long as we know that." He opened up a rectangle to another part of Heaven and walked through. I don't ever recall seeing him again. I'm fairly sure he's avoiding me. I don't blame him. I made his life a hell. There was no reason for him to forgive me.
Asari rubbed against me again. I smiled down at her. "I missed you," she said happily.
"We all did," said Granddad. "It's good to know you're free, Taraju."
"That's a weird name," said Asari. "'Taraju.'"
"It's my name," I said.
"You'll still be Aka to me," she said.
"Asari, please, I really would prefer Taraju."
"It's longer," she mock-pouted.
"Then work for once in your life."
"In your death," corrected Fujo.
"Whatever."
Asari kissed me again. I stared down at her and saw the same adoration that had always been there for me. "Why don't we leave you two alone?" Mpande asked tactfully, speaking for the first time. The thought filled me with happiness, and scared me just the same. I knew what they were expecting to happen, and it very well might.
Tumai.
She flooded into my head unbidden. Yes, it was probably a very good idea to get Asari alone, even if just for that.
"Hey, some of us want to talk with him, too!" said Fujo. "I've seen him for less than a week, overall."
"You grew up with him," said Mpande.
"Yeah, but only for a little. And he's changed."
"Fujo, please, I promise I'll make time for you," I said. I had all the time in the world, I realized. I was free. More of a happy, warm, glow. "I just, uh, well . . ."
"Fine, I see how it is. You'd rather be with some beautiful lioness than an ugly brother."
"Fujo, it's not like that—"
"I'm joking. Gods, did they suck out your sense of humor in there, too?"
"Remind me to show you my sense of humor later."
"Sure, sure," he said, walking away. Dad followed him, along with Grandma and Granddad.
"Well, go on," said Mpande.
I looked down at Asari. "I know the perfect place," she whispered. She opened up a portal and walked on through. I turned to look at Mpande to see him walking away. I turned back and followed her through.
oOo
It was a hill, a hill where the sunset could easily be seen. It was beautiful, though it was rapidly fading. Night was coming on quickly. I walked up to the top of it, looking at the sunset, and was even more surprised to find what was on the other side of the hill.
"It's just like home, isn't it?" asked Asari. "That big hill, and the big lake. And you can even pretend there's that cave if you look at that rock the right way."
"It looks so much like it," I said, amazed at the similarity. It was almost the same as I remembered it. So beautiful. It brought back such happy memories. It might not have been exactly like Lakeside, but the resemblance . . . I thought that if this was really a den I was on top of, just like Lakeside, I might even stay here. "How did you find it?"
"Those rectangles. You just think about what you want, and it opens a path to it. Just think of what you want. A place. An animal . . ."
I looked down at her. "That's amazing . . ." My voice drifted off as I looked into her eyes, into her face that was so happy and hoping.
She buried her face in my mane. "Aka, I love you. So much." I felt her teeth gently nip my neck.
"Asari . . ."
She looked up at me. "I'm sorry. Taraju."
I smiled. "Yes, there's that, too."
She kissed me and pressed herself against me again. "I love you, Taraju."
I swallowed. I knew what I was expected to say, and I could say it honestly. "Asari . . ." I didn't finish my sentence. I looked down at her. "Let's lie down," I said quietly. She smiled as we did so. "Asari . . ."
"Yes?"
"Asari, I love you. I really do."
Her smile became even bigger. "I've been waiting so long to hear that. I've just been waiting for them to release you." She kissed me passionately. "Taraju . . . Taraju, I love you."
She was setting all of my senses on fire. I could smell the sweet scent of pheromones that drifted up to me, not strong enough to sway a male as they did in heat, but they were still there. I knew what she wanted. And I wanted it, too. I leaned closer, having her nuzzle me. "Asari—"
"Taraju, can we get married?" It was an honest request. She wanted it.
"Asari . . . I can't do this."
"You can, Taraju. For me. I love you, Taraju." She was kissing me, nibbling my ear. She wanted it, and she was making me want it more and more. I had to stop it.
I put a paw underneath her chin and tilted it up to make her look at me. I loved those blue eyes of hers, those big, dark blue eyes. "Asari, I can't marry you. I can't make love to you. Not yet."
"I asked Daddy. And I've got his permission. And Kovu's. Just say you love me and we'll be married."
"Asari, I do love you—"
"Then love me," she said, breaking free of my paw and licking me on the face.
"Asari, there's someone else. I can't."
She drew her head back, her sorrow obvious immediately. "No . . ."
"Asari, I don't know who I am. I love you," I said, nuzzling her reassuringly, "but I . . . I just can't. I love Tu—"
"I don't want to hear about her!" I pulled my head back a little, shocked by the outburst. "Taraju, I love you. I always have. Please, don't do this to me. I love you."
"Asari—"
"What is it that she has that I don't? Taraju, I want to give you everything. My body, my soul, my love. I love you, Taraju. She can't love you like that." Her tone was pleading. I saw tears brimming in her eyes.
There was a time when none of this fuss would have taken place, when I would have yielded to instinct and been wonderfully happy that night. But the idea of betraying Tumai shocked me now. I'm sure now that if the situation had been reversed, I would have felt just as bad about Asari. Jadi had taken more than just my dark side; he had taken some of me. "Asari, I don't know that. I love you, but I love her, too."
"Then who do you love more?" she said bitterly. "Just say it and be done with it."
"I don't know," I said quietly. "I really don't. Asari, I can't do this. I won't dishonor Tumai like this. I'd do the same thing for you, I know I would. I want you, honestly, but not like this. I want you only when you're mine, completely and totally. I don't want to make a mistake I'll have to live with for eternity."
"This isn't like you," she said. "You're different."
"Yes. They said I would be. Asari, I was released because I'm only half of what I was. My soul was torn in two. I don't know how. But doing bad things . . . they repulse me. I'm not the same, Asari. I love you, but I can't do this."
I could see her lip trembling. A tear slid down her face as she sniffed. She nuzzled against me again, but not with any of the lust that was there previously. I wrapped a foreleg around her. "I've been waiting so long for this," she whispered. "I've waited for you for so long and now I can't have you. It's not fair."
"It isn't." I could feel her sorrow. I loved her, after all, and here I was, breaking her heart, saying that she might not even be the one I truly love. I don't have a doubt that she loves me, but I didn't know if I loved her, truly and honestly. I still don't. I won't until Tumai dies. I kissed Asari gently on the top of her head. "Please, just understand."
She looked up at me, her eyes rimmed with red. "I can wait," she said. She pressed her head to my neck again. "I love you."
The rest of the night was quiet. She finally drifted off to dreamland, lying next to me. Lucky her.
oOo
I felt bad about leaving Asari alone, but I didn't want to be next to her when she woke up. I know that sounds terrible, but it's the truth. I couldn't help but realize every time that I looked at her that she wanted to give me everything that she could. And so did Tumai, I was sure. And I wanted to give myself to both of them. It seemed as if there was no happy ending. Someone would be hurt, and hurt horribly. If I could have both of them, I would. But I really doubt the gods look too happily on polygamy.
So I left her before she woke up. I tried to stay away from her as much as possible from that day forward, trying to make any pain that might happen more bearable for either of us, but it only felt worse to be neglecting her like this. We did meet, and we both enjoyed it. Neither of us did anything that would try to compromise my honor; Asari stayed as far away from that subject as possible after she knew how I felt.
After I left her, I went on to Fujo. I hadn't slept all night, I'm sure. My mind was haunted with the prospect of what was gong to happen. From what the gods had told me, the world was coming to an end. And all because of the Pridelands, because of the cubbishness of a cub. Fujo's son had no control over what went on as he was a cub; he was a cub. And yet the massive errors that were made.
Asari's description of how to use the portals in heaven was correct. I simply thought Fujo, and I found Fujo, just a few meters away from the rectangle. And he was sleeping. Of course, I could have had plenty of fun with him. I decided to settle for tickling him, right in the gut. He bolted upright immediately. I laughed.
"Taraju!" he yelled.
"At your service," I said with a grin.
"The sun's not even decently up!"
"And?"
"It's not right." I laughed. "It isn't!"
"Fujo, nothing's ever right for you."
"Yeah? How do you think your little matchmaker session with me and Taabu worked out?"
"You married her?" I asked, surprised.
"Yeah, that's what you wanted, right?"
"Uh . . . not really. We just expected you to try to help her, not actually drag her back to the Pridelands to marry her. How'd you persuade the king to do that?"
"Uh . . . he was kind of dead."
"What?!"
"So I killed him. He deserved it. Don't think I've already gone through enough guilt over his death."
"You've killed another lion?"
"I didn't mean to. I just kind of turned, and . . . and that's it. Just brought up my leg and hit him in the right place."
"Gods . . ." I had never imagined Fujo to be a killer. I mean, I was the killer, not him. He was the one who made everyone laugh.
"It was just self-defense," he said, as if reading my mind.
"I just can't believe it."
"I'm the same lion you always knew. Still as much of an ass to my brother," he said with a grin. "Besides, it's not like you didn't have all that planned out up here."
"Fujo, we never intended you to do anything about the pride. Maybe go back and get run out of the kingdom, but never this." My mind wandered back to something the gods had stressed to me, along with all my other duties as an Illuminati. You could never interfere with the animals on the earth. Taabu hadn't been intended to do anything. Fujo would just see what justice really was, and would learn that even if something was wrong, you couldn't just dispense it. It wasn't expected for him to actually go to the length of killing the king.
I had missed so much in my time in Purgatory.
"Well, it all turned out happy," he said. "I got Taabu, Taabu got me, and we love each other."
A thought suddenly struck me. "How much did she beat up on you?"
"Huh?"
"She was a pretty free spirit. I doubt she'd take too much lip."
"I don't know what you're talking about," he said, looking away.
"Liar."
"No idea at all."
"Such a bad liar," I said with a grin. "Now come on, Fujo. What did you want to talk to me about?"
"I just wanted to talk. Can't a guy just want to spend some time alone with his brother?"
"I s'pose." I looked out at the scenery. "Want to walk?"
"Sure."
We started across the savannah. The sunrise was okay, I guess. I didn't really notice it; I was staring at the ground the whole time. Until, of course, Fujo inevitably talked. "What was it like in there?" he asked quietly. I was silent. "Look," he said uneasily, "I understand if you don't want to talk about—"
"It was bad," I said. "It wasn't a nice place. I didn't want to live, Fujo. I really didn't." I looked up at him. "Does that answer your question?"
There was shock on his face. I guess I didn't realize how quiet and grave I had been. He looked back toward the ground uneasily, shocked by the fact that I, his strong, unyielding brother, had said that. "Yeah. Yeah, that's good enough."
"Cheer up," I said, for once trying to jolly him along instead of having the situation reversed. "I'm out now. And now you can stop worrying about me."
"I'm worried about home," he said. "Why does it seem like all the happiness is being sucked out of the world? I mean, I find that my son is a murderer, and then I find out that you've been tortured ever since you came up here, and now . . . Home just isn't the same under Jadi."
"He has a son," I said.
"He does?" Fujo asked, surprised.
"Yeah . . ." The word was out of my mouth before I could stop it. Another thing the gods had said. Jadi's son was unable to be seen. Fujo would never see his grandson, not until he died. And from what the gods said . . . well, he might never die.
"I wonder why I didn't see him."
"I . . ." I couldn't believe what I was about to have done. I was going to have lied to Fujo. Gods, what a horrible thing. "Fujo, forget it."
"What? Forget my grandson?"
"Yeah. Just . . . give him some time to grow before you make judgments."
"I'm just worried."
"Well, stop it. Otherwise I'm going to have to start making jokes, and I'm no good at that."
"Uh-huh. Let's hear one."
"Uh . . . okay, there's two hyenas waiting to ambush this lion that they hate—"
"Do all your jokes involve violence?"
"I grew up with it. Anyway, they know that the lion is supposed to be there around mid-morning. They're there, but the lion isn't. Midday comes around. Still no lion. Mid-afternoon, still no lion. It's finally beginning to get dark, and one hyena turns to the other and says, 'Gee, I hope nothing happened to him.'"
"Yeah, no more jokes for you."
"Oh yeah? What do you have?"
"I don't make jokes. I make witty, sarcastic comments and let myself be thrown around for others' enjoyment. So there."
"It sounds like you're trying to advertise yourself." We came to the top of a hill and sat down.
"Like you aren't, Illuminated?" He gestured at the aura that I had shining around me.
"I don't like it," I said uncomfortably. "I asked them to take it away. I shouldn't stand out."
"Why not? You've got a pure soul. Show it off."
"It's restraining, Fujo."
"Looks like you're walking fine."
"Not the aura. Me."
"Huh?"
"I . . . I can't do things anymore. I can't lie, I can't cheat, I can't hurt anyone. I know that sounds bad, but I need to do that. We all do. We can't live without doing that. There's fewer than thirty Illuminati, did you know that? Out of all the animals that have ever lived, fewer than thirty. I think we actually need to have an outlet like that. But I don't have that anymore."
"And? You're a better lion for all of that, Taraju."
"Fujo, I'm afraid I won't be me anymore."
"Why?"
"I can't do what Taraju did. Maybe I'm not even Taraju anymore or Akasare, or anyone. Maybe I am Ilemi."
"You're Taraju. Always have been, always will be."
"Fujo, half of my soul is literally gone. Didn't they tell you what happened?"
"Yeah, but . . ."
"I can't do any wrong, whether I want to or not."
"It all just depends on what you define as wrong."
"And what would you say is a good way to decide?"
"If it makes you feel good, do it. Worked for you before in life."
"Fujo, I'm not proud of what I did."
"Forget that. Be happy. Like me." He grinned stupidly.
"It's not right to be that happy."
"Yeah, well, it works for me."
"Fujo, I'm not you."
He sighed and stared at the ground. "You just don't want to be cheered up, do you?"
"I've just got a lot on my mind." The world was coming to the brink of evil domination, and Heaven along with it. I wanted to tell Fujo everything, so badly. But that would be unthinkably wrong.
"So how was last night?"
"What?" I said, being blindsided by the question.
"With Asari."
"Nothing happened."
"You're a bad liar, yourself."
"Fujo, I can't lie anymore. I can't."
"You really are worried about this, aren't you?"
"Yes. I . . . I don't know what Asari will think of me when she gets to know who I really am now. Or . . . Tumai."
"Well," he said in a husky whisper, flowing up to me in a way that perfectly mimicked Asari's motion, "I'm always there for you."
I stared at him for just a second before I pressed my paw against his face and set him falling down the hill.
"Augh! Ow! OW!" He finally stopped rolling. "I'll get you for that!" he yelled up at me.
I laughed as he pushed himself up. Yes, he could still give me a laugh. Maybe things wouldn't be quite as hard as I thought after all.
