Revolutionizing a Robot
Chapter Two: Insert Sweet Loving Here
First of all, I'd like to thank my reviewers. The Futurama section isn't the most active one I'm in, sadly. I'd like to point out that I didn't have any idea where I was going with this until I rewatched some random episodes today. I must admit, this chapter could push that Teen limit a bit, if you choose to think of it that way.
Well, I've babbled enough. Chapter two.
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"So," Bender commented, now strapped up to a table. This was the second time he'd been strapped to something today, and it was only the fifth time in his life. The first had been for an upgrade, the second for a rogue, on-the-fritz hookerbot, and the third time had been recently, when that virus-chip was stuck into his head and wreaked havoc within his internal wiring. "How exactly do you plan to get this thing outta me?"
The Robot Devil didn't answer at first, instead busying himself over in Bender's blind spot. "Oh don't fear, Bender my dear, everything will turn out wonderfully!"
Damn, that sounds gay. Bender thought snidely, but was smart enough to keep from saying it aloud and risk damnation to Robot Hell forever. The first time hadn't even been thirty minutes and it still gave him nightmares. But so did binary code.
"Ah yes! This will do!" The Robot Devil practically pranced into Bender's vision, swinging around his tail in a way that would have caused Bender to raise an eyebrow, if he'd had one. "Alright then, Bender. I've developed a foolproof plan to get this virus out. Foolproof! So even if your stupid fleshy friends came in and tried to save you—err, I mean, stop me—no wait…"
"Get on with it."
"Well anyway, nothing can possibly go wrong." The Robot Devil declared. He finally stopped swinging his tail, revealing that the pointed end was now a standard plug. Bender knew where this was going.
"Whoa, whoa, wait. You're going to—?" He asked, not wanting to finish the question. It couldn't be. That was reserved for hookerbots and fembots only!
The Robot Devil rolled his eyes. "Oh please. I'm the Robot Devil. I'm not even supposed to have a gender!" He chortled, then waltzed over to Bender's other side and jammed his tail into Bender's side-plug, effectively engaging them in robot-to-robot intimacy, in the form of program-merging, that is.
"No!" Bender wailed while the Devil just laughed in every manner of the term 'evil' applicable. "I can't be gay!"
"Already established that," The Robot Devil declared, before all went blank.
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Bender awoke in a world covered in technological material that made no sense to him. Maybe he should have paid more attention in Bending School. "Where…?" Oh wait, he remembered this now. It was the same as that one time that Leela and Fry had forced him to merge his programming with the Planet Express ship! At least he'd gotten out of that one alive. But wait…
"Hello," The Robot Devil greeted him, causing the green holographic image of Bender's head to jump and shriek. "So you're finally up. Are you really not used to this?"
"Hey, it takes all the passion out of the relationship!" Bender protested in his defense. "And besides, you live in hell! How many times could you have possibly have done it? There aren't any women down here!"
A sigh from the Devil, who wasn't just a head and was actually a full figured hologram, "As I said before, I'm a swinger. I'll go either way, so long as I get whatever I want. And in this case, I want that virus!"
"So you're.. vi-sexual?"
This time the Robot Devil groaned and smacked a hand to his head. "I'm going to pretend you didn't say anything." From there, he examined what Bender finally figured out to be his own circuitry and programming. "Yes, yes, not a bad place you have here. But it's very… green." He looked down at his own holographic image and let out an even more effeminate shriek than Bender's. "I'm green too! No!"
"Hah hah." Other peoples' pain put Bender in a good mood. But only for a moment, because the holograph of the Robot Devil kicked his head. "Ow."
The two finally set apart their differences enough to go searching through Bender's hard drive for the virus chip. "Just remember," The Robot Devil warned cheerily, "If any intimate contact is shared between us, I'll engulf you, take over your body, and then attempt to take over the world! But I'll be foiled by something stupid, no doubt." He sighed.
Bender rolled his eyes and kept hopping. "I don't think that'll be much of a problem." After all, why the hell would he want to get intimate with the Robot Devil? Yeah, sure, Bender might have been turned into a gaybot, but he wasn't gay for a fruitcake like the Devil. For a brief moment, Bender wondered about RoboJesus, then figured that he was probably just as much of a fruity bastard. He had to be, after all, he had preached about peace, and had been shut down for other robots sins and whatnot.
"Ah hah!" The Robot Devil's screechy laughter interrupted Bender's religious thoughts. "Here we go. The virus control center."
Sure enough, set up in the middle of Bender's programming was a large rectangular structure. It looked like a super-sized version of the chip the Professor had stuck into his head. "So… how do we shut it off?"
The Robot Devil was now stalking around the virus chip, much like a predatory cat would stalk its prey. "Hmm… interesting…" He muttered to himself, then finally turned to Bender and declared, "I can't remove the chip."
"What!?" Bender interrupted, despondently. "You can't!?"
"No. Now shut up." The Robot Devil reached down to smack Bender's holographic head. "Only you can."
"That's fine, lemme at it!"
"No, no, you silly robot head." He caught Bender's head before he could lunge at the chip. "That's not how it works. You see, this chip is meant to amplify your natural emotions. Like all robots, you've been given some artificial emotions to help you complete your job and not destroy all humans—"
"Damn."
"Will you let me finish?" The Robot Devil dropped Bender's head back onto the ground and continued, "Seems that you were naturally more emotional than other robots. This chip is amplifying all of those emotions. I'm surprised you haven't started bawling for some stupid reason. It's like you're a human woman! Always crying, and eating ice cream!" He laughed. "But yes, the only way to properly fix you is to burn out the chip."
"What?" It was closer to a statement than a question. Bender couldn't believe what he was hearing. To burn out the chip, wouldn't he have to give in to all these ridiculous urges, and feelings, and emotions and whatnot? But he couldn't do that! He was a manbot! A strong manbot who didn't like other manbots or male humans! Definitely not!
"Yes, you'll have to give into your ridiculous urges and feelings and emotions and whatnot." The Robot Devil prattled on, waving his hands about conversationally.
"Are you reading my mind!?" Bender asked, wide-eyed, and wondering what else the Robot Devil had discovered about his inner-most thoughts.
"No." The Robot Devil smirked, if that was even possible. "You were thinking out loud."
Oh. Well Bender felt ridiculous now. "So I just have to burn out the chip, right? But how am I going to do that?" His urges weren't for another robot after all, but for Fry, and Fry only.
A wicked smile lit up the Robot Devil's face, and his fingers immediately went together in an evil steeple shape. "Well now, Bender, I believe I can help you with that. Are you willing… to make a deal?"
"No."
"I wasn't finished." Irritated at Bender's interrupted, the Robot Devil continued, "I can give you a human body for twelve hours. If, by that time, you manage to score with Fry, then you can remain human. If not, then I your soul, and I'll confine you to Robot Hell for all eternity!" This was followed by his usual high-pitched laugh, and some random columns of fire.
"Ow, ow, oww, hot!" Bender yelped, his head jumping up and down. The fire, after all, was burning his programming. "But I don't want to be a meatbag! And I don't want to make a deal with you. Last time I lost my crotch-plate, and it took weeks to get a new one!"
"Oh." Now it was the Robot Devil's turn to feel ridiculous. He paused to think about it, tail swishing back and forth. Bender noticed that the tip of the tail wasn't present in this realm, but that was more than likely because it was attached to Bender's metal hip. "Well then, I suppose there isn't any other option." Bender didn't like his tone of voice. It sounded… lecherous. "You'll have to merge your programming with another robot! And since you're a gaybot, it'll have to be a manbot." He started pacing, tail swishing around, adding to the illusion of a stalking predatory cat. "I suppose we could see if any of the other gaybots are free in Hell today, but I doubt that… Hmm…"
In possibly the stupidest decision of his life (second only to letting the Professor install that stupid chip, in his opinion), Bender prompted, "Well, what about you?"
The Robot Devil turned, grinning from horn to horn, as if he'd been waiting for Bender to suggest that. He probably had been. "Well I don't know, I certainly couldn't—Okay."
That didn't take much effort, Bender thought. "So uh, what do we have to do… y'know…?" He wasn't a real gaybot after all, and the pansy of a Devil should know. He played a gold violin for Christbot's sake.
"Easy!" The Robot Devil declared, the proceeded to grab Bender's head and walk over to a small circle in the center of the 'road' they'd been walking on. He jumped through it and suddenly they were back in the Las Vegas version of Robot Hell. "Very easy. All we have to do is—"
"Whoa, no way! There's an exit when you're forced into merging your program with some crazy robot chick?" Bender was fascinated by that rather than getting rid of his gay urges. "Neat!" Now if only he had his camera. And could have taken it into his hard-drive. And could have had a body to take a picture with. Oh well.
The Robot Devil sighed and pressed a hand to his temple. "Can we continue?"
"Oh yeah, sure, go on."
With the flick of a switch, the metal straps holding Bender down were released, and the robot got up, rubbing at his wrists as if they were sore. The Robot Devil eyed his quarry silently, tail swishing back and forth in a way that could only be described as 'eager.' "Now Bender, it may seem scary at first, but you'll have to trust me."
"Yeah, yeah, I let you go in my programming, let's get this over with." Bender didn't move though, and neither did the Robot Devil. The latter was still leering and Bender was still rubbing at his wrists. He finally admitted, "Well, what do you want me to do?" He probably should have waited for the Robot Devil to explain first. After all, he'd never done this sort of thing. And groaning, he realized he'd be on the receiving end.
"Relax, this won't hurt that much." The Robot Devil's smirk didn't disappear for a second. "Now lie down and relax…"
"Hey, wait, is that your antenna? What's it doing down there—Oh your god!"
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"Didn't hurt, my ass." Bender grumbled. His circuitry was not meant for what it had been put through. Sparks were still coming out from various places all over his metal body, particularly from the slot in his head where that chip had been inserted. He hoped it was busted, but knew it wasn't. After all, those feelings still lingered.
But that was the best news of all this dire situation. Because now those feelings weren't just for Fry anymore. As loathe as he was to admit it, Bender was torn in two. He didn't just like a meatbag anymore. He also liked a sleazy, conniving little bastard of a Devil.
"Damn you, Farnsworth! If I ever see you again, I'll kill you so many times you stay dead! And none of that 'pushing up daises' crap either!"
