Chapter 3

"Talk to him," said Hakkai for the third time in the row – the row of meals, that is. He showed them the tray of food he brought to Goku minutes before. Except for the glass that was filled with water, it was left untouched. Goku was not eating?

It seemed to Gojyo that three times was the charm. Sanzo stood from his chair, walked up to Hakkai, took the plate of meat buns and shut the door behind him. It was then that Gojyo had a dreadful feeling that something bad was going to happen.

Sanzo shut the door. He then strode to the bed and shook Goku roughly, knowing full well the boy was not really asleep. While Goku stretched and rubbed his puffy eyes, Sanzo put the plate of meat buns on his without a word. "Sanzo?" Goku queried, wondering why Sanzo had shaken him roughly awake to hold the plate of meat buns. "Just shut up and eat," the priest ordered.

"But I'm not..." Goku began but was cut off as Sanzo did not wait for an excuse. The priest took a meat bun from the plate on the boy's lap and shoved it into Goku's mouth before the boy could finish his sentence. Unable to chew or breathe, Goku swallowed the bun whole and made pass painfully down his oesophagus down to his stomach before he was able to speak again.

"What are you trying to do, choke me?" Goku gasped. Sanzo had enough. It was possibly the intense heat that distorted his mind, or possibly the intense worry; whatever it was, what he did next would bring him a storm of regrets.

"Just what the hell is bugging you?" he snapped, slapping Goku across the face. Sanzo's eyes widened as he looked down at his hand, stinging from the contact of Goku's face. What have I done? Goku bowed his head. His brown hair, thin with fever, hid his golden eyes. "Nothing for you to be concerned about," he then murmured, in answer to Sanzo's question.

"You've been mumbling, 'Father, I'm sorry I can't, but I'll try to be strong, I promise...'" Sanzo said quietly, but with unintended cruelty, "I don't see that as something that I shouldn't be concerned about." "Why should it concern you in the first place?" the boy countered, "You don't even know what a father is!"

Sanzo lifted an eyebrow, a vein pulsed in his forehead.

"Don't I?" he asked icily.

"You don't look it," said Goku, impassively.

"Well, guess what, I did have someone who was a father to me. And he happened to be a my master," Sanzo informed him coldly. Goku whipped his head around to meet Sanzo's eyes. They both participated in a civil war staring contest.

"Why are you like this then, cold and distant?" Goku asked venomously, moments later. Sanzo's eyes narrowed into slits. Their eyes continued to lock with anger. "Are you saying this is the result of my master?" Sanzo replied matching Goku's voice.

"You said it, I didn't," Goku replied, deadpan.

"I have no time for this," Sanzo snapped, getting up, "Well, neither do I," replied Goku, turning his back towards the priest. "Just go to sleep," Sanzo muttered.

"Maybe I will," Goku snarled, not looking at his guardian, "Get out!"

"Drop dead!" Sanzo snapped before he could even stop himself. Sanzo did not blink when a nyoibo lengthened past his head, missing him by an inch. It made a loud thud as it hit the wall. Behind him, Goku's voice was just as deadly, "Get. Out!"

Hakkai and Gojyo heard the thud in the next room. A slam of a two doors came shortly afterwards. They winced, having an idea what had occurred. It was awhile before either of them spoke. "Well," Gojyo began sarcastically, "That went well."

"I was afraid of this," Hakkai sighed, shaking his head. He strained his ear for the crashing of plates and trays, and possible screaming, from the room Goku occupied and was surprised that none came. He continued to stroke Hakuryu who was resting on his lap. "You've noticed it too, eh?" said Gojyo. Hakkai nodded.

"He's been like that since... Toufa and her sisters died, I think," Hakkai murmured. Gojyo sighed at the memory of the four sisters forced by a parasitic youkai to kill them not too long ago. The incident had scarred their youngest member far more deeply than the three of them put together. They knew as much as Sanzo did that the four girls were innocent lives in search for freedom. And that freedom was death... Was that what has been bothering Goku recently? Was it because freedom can be a cruel thing?

Sanzo had given him freedom after five hundred years in a stone cage. While he was in the cage, he stopped ageing making him a child, alone without anyone to lean on and to be loved by. Although this made Goku the eldest amongst them, he was also the youngest. To Goku freedom meant to never be held back. What the boy did not realise is that even death meant freedom; except that in death one would not be able to change anything.

Inside the other room. Tears leak feverishly from Goku's eyes as hugged his pillow. He could not possibly tell anyone why he was not being his usual vibrant self. He did not want to. He thought back on the full blown civil war that happened moments before and squeezed his eyes shut, causing more tears to pour down his cheeks. He was allowed to be sad sometimes wasn't he?

The dreams... He knew they were not just fragments of the past... He knew it was not just rubbish his brain was trying to get rid of.... They were real memories!

He remembered their faces. One stern, one boyish and one kind. Very similar, and yet very different from the three whom he considered a family now! Goku cried as he remembered how close their relationships became as they got to know each other better. What made it so much worse was that he could not remember their names! He only knew that they were his family. His first family, for that matter! And he was selfishly, and childishly mourning for them!

Goku then thought back on the fight with Kougaiji just days before. He kept hearing the shouts of pain of his friends while they fought Kougaiji in that most unholy state. Goku could still hear the wretched prince's heart screaming for help.

Goku knew that not all youkai are evil. They co-existed amongst humans before the minus wave. Just thinking about it made Goku cry again.

Life was unfair. The boy understood that but it seemed more unfair now than it ever was before. Had the minus wave not happened, or even existed, Sanzo would lived happily with his master would he not? And he would be stuck in that cave inside the cave, not bringing death to anyone.

And the slap from Sanzo moments before. No one had ever done that to him before.

Goku then thought his latest conversation with Hakkai and Gojyo. Tears came to his eyes again, he had hated to lie to them, especially Hakkai who was so nice to him. He knew Sanzo could tell that he was hiding something from them; maybe that was why he slapped him.

Goku turned over then and cried himself to sleep.

He slept for awhile only to be woken by Hakkai, telling him that he had supper ready and brought up to him. This act of kindness made Goku want to cry again. He tried to excuse himself by explaining to Hakkai that he was not hungry and just wanted to sleep. "At least eat something small," Hakkai coaxed, "you haven't eaten anything since we came here, and that was six days ago. You've only been drinking water." As if to emphasise his point, Goku's stomach growled. The boy sighed and gave in. Though it was his favourite food, beef noodle, Goku did not seem to taste it. He also did not seem to see Hakkai looking worriedly at him.

It worried Hakkai that Goku was suppressing his feelings. He watched as Goku slowly ate the beef noodle he loved so much, especially since the healer himself made it. Hakkai knew Goku enjoyed his cooking. He sat beside the boy, gazing intently with his lone green eye.

Goku had his head bowed as he ate, his brown hair hiding his eyes. Hakkai caught himself wishing he could see the sunshine in them again. It was then he saw a red hand mark where it looked as if someone had slapped the boy. He knew he himself would not would slap anyone, especially not Goku, unless it was completely necessary. And even though Gojyo and Goku fought a lot, Gojyo would not physically abuse Goku in such a way as it reflects his own abused childhood. The only person who had fought with Goku as recently as today was Sanzo. An even deeper red mark on the middle finger which looked as if it came from a ring, similar to the size of the metal band attached to Sanzo's gloves.

Hakkai just stared at the red hand mark. Hitting Goku with the paper fan and calling him 'stupid monkey' was one thing, but slapping him? Hakkai felt his fists clench. Leader or not, Hakkai was not going to forgive Sanzo for worsening the situation, not until the priest apologised to the boy.

A small noise of discomfort brought the healer back to reality. He looked up in time to see Goku trying to get out of bed without his noticing. "You need to go into the little men's room?" asked Hakkai with a small smile, hoping to bring back at least an iota of his youngest friend's innocent smile.

If Hakkai did manage to get that smile back, he did not see it.

In fact, Goku's lips were tighter than before.

"Yes, please," Goku replied, his voice barely above a whisper.

Hakkai supported his young friend as he guided Goku to the bathroom. Again he thought about the red hand mark on the boy's face. He was thinking about it so hard he did not notice Goku leaning heavily on the door frame as he got out of the bathroom, trying to find a way to get to bed without help.

Goku fell with a loud 'THUMP' onto the wooden floor. Even though the floor was not cemented, the wood was hard enough to cause a bruise to form on Goku's left elbow. Hurt, Goku felt tears welled up in his eyes as he tried to pick himself up. A pair of gentle hands touched his shoulders and hoisted him gently, allowing him to lean against the owner of those hands. Again, the act of kindness made Goku want to cry.

"I'm fine, Hakkai," Goku protested softly as the older brunette finally lowered him to the bed. Hakkai knew better than to admonish the protest Goku made when he looked into the swirling pools of sadness in the boy's eyes. Instead he covered Goku with a blanket and reached for the bowl of chilled water where a clean wash cloth was soaking. He wrung out the excessed water, and wiped the boy's hot face. To his surprise, Goku did not object to it.

"This is just to help your fever," the healer explained gently, finally settling the cold cloth on Goku's head. Goku nodded, too miserable to argue and the cool cloth felt good on his hot face. "Thank you," he murmured, pretending to drift off to sleep. He resumed crying after Hakkai left and fell asleep soon afterwards.

Outside, in the hallway, as he closed the door, Hakkai noticed Sanzo looking at him. Not wanting to interact with the blond, the healer gave Sanzo a cold shoulder and made sure the monk noticed. He went back into the room where Gojyo was. Sanzo went into the single room, mentally cursed and smoked as he stared out the window.

More out of habit than anything, Sanzo continued to smoke. There was no drink in the room to help him get his mind off the day's events. He knew Hakkai would not be please if he saw him, while Gojyo may pick a fight for hurting the monkey. Irritated, Sanzo paced the room without all types of thoughts and memories that he had been trying to push away from his mind and was only partially successful.

The moon was high as he finished his last cigarette. He looked at the heap of cigarettes in the ash tray and was not very surprised to find a bit of a mountain – that usually happened on rainy days. He sat on the bed and sighed, thinking about the civil war with Goku. What if the blank state and the darkness was not completely a lie. If anything, Goku hated to lie.

"What am I going to do?" he murmured, head in his hands. "Just apologise to him," said a voice. Startled, Sanzo reached for his gun and aimed at the intruder. A silhouette of a beautiful woman came into his view as the moonlight shone on her robe. The figure appeared to be annoyingly familiar... "Oh, do relax Konzen," the figure soothed, laughing, "I'm only visiting for a few minutes."

"Oh, great," Sanzo groaned, "The last person I wanted to see."

"No... How mean," Kanzeon said in mock hurt. Her tone became serious then, "If you really need to know, I came to help you sort out your banter with Goku." She then took out a small shining golden object. To Sanzo it looked a lot like a locket.

"What does that have to do with Goku now?" he asked pointedly.

"Open it," said Kanzeon, giving Sanzo the locket, "Only Jiroushin and I know about it." Sanzo looked at the locket. He then opened it and held it out in the moonlight.

Inside it said:

Konzen, Tenpou,

Kenren and Goku.

Forever a family...

Realization hit Sanzo like a tidal wave there and then!

"He knew these men?" asked Sanzo. "Yes, they were his family before I locked him up," Kanzeon shrugged, "It's only recently I found it necessary to open. His father would have hated to see him suffer."

"Why did you hide this?" he asked, looking sceptically at his aunt.

Author's note: Hard chapter to write. (wince) Sorry.