Fading Memories
He had done it, he had found the Star Forge and he had waged war against the Republic… against the Jedi. The ambition to save the galaxy from what he had foreseen had been within his grasp. His fleet was positioned to strike at the heart of the galaxy. All that there was to do was beat back the Republic's latest attempt to capture either him or Malek. Not that it would succeed; these things never could against his military might. These 'ambushes' only work if you catch your enemy off guard; there was no catching him off guard. And yet, he had made one fatal miscalculation, one that happened sooner than he had anticipated it would. Yet looking back it should have been painfully obvious.
He had been standing on the bridge of his flagship, looking out the view port and observing the battle waging out in space, when a Jedi strike team had barged onto the bridge. He turned, his twin lightsabers snapping into his hands and coming to life, lighting the bridge in their eerie red glow. His eyes widened behind his mask as he took in Bastila's form, with her skin tight cat-suit, but more importantly… her double-bladed yellow lightsaber held at the ready. He could see the determination in her eyes to capture him alive. Yet there was something far deeper within her that he could see. It was buried beneath layers and layers of emotional barriers and it tore his heart apart. He could see the hatred deep within her eyes. He could see the anguish within her eyes. He could see so many emotions within her. It tore his heart knowing that it was his rejection upon the plains of Dantooine that was the cause of her suffering. Yet what choice did he have?
Could he indulge his own desire by taking her with him when he knew it would lead to her death? Was he so selfish as to risk her safety all for his desires? No, he wasn't and he couldn't. He cared more for her safety then his own personal feelings. Yet now that she stood before him, ready to capture him, could he turn his twin lightsabers on her and defend himself? Could he risk hurting her in self-defense? He didn't want to, yet there was little else he could do. He didn't want her by his side in fear of her death, yet now that she was here in front of him… he'd have her by his side. There was too much that was left to do and he couldn't be captured, nor could he die just yet. Perhaps having her by his side as the Dark Lady of the Sith could help her forgive him and understand why he did what he did. Not that he expected her to immediately forgive him, he knew that would take time, and he was willing to wait.
But he could not think about that yet, first he had to make sure that she lived. However the other Jedi had to die; it wouldn't do to capture all of them alive there was too much risk of their escape. Besides, he didn't care about the other Jedi, they meant very little to him. A small twirl of his lightsabers, a small shift of his foot and he was standing in a defensive stance, waiting for the other Jedi to make a move. That's when he felt it, the smallest disturbance in the Force that indicated an attack. Yet it did not come from the Jedi before him. No, his flagship had been fired upon by his own apprentice's flagship. He should have expected Malek to betray him… in fact he did, but he had not calculated that it would be so soon.
Two things happened at once; one threw the other Jedi to the floor and the other sent Bastila flying into his arms. Pain ripped through his body as metal shards of a computer console buried themselves in his back. The bridge was spinning as they fell to the ground; Revan still acting on instinct as he used his body as a shield to protect Bastila. He didn't know how long the bombardment on his ship lasted, or if it had even stopped for that matter. Was time even a concern any more? All he was thinking as everything spiraled into darkness… was the hope that Bastila was safe and that she was alive.
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She couldn't believe it. She simply could not believe it. The man that she had come to hate, the man that she convinced herself she hated… the man that was by all rights her enemy… the man that the Jedi Council had ordered to be captured alive if possible… saved her life. She couldn't believe it. There was no reason for him to do such a thing. Or was it that simply couldn't admit that she knew why he had done it. She didn't have time to think about that, the ship was likely to explode and she didn't want to be on it when it did. She pushed off the man that had saved her life, briefly thinking about leaving him to die on the ship.
Somehow the mask that he wore had slipped off, exposing his flawless face. She half expected it to be deformed like some of the other Sith she had seen. Yet there was nothing there, his face was as it was the when last she saw it. He looked so… peaceful, that she swore that he was unharmed and merely unconscious. Then she noticed the pool of blood gathering around his body and knew he would die soon if nothing was done. She knew her orders where to capture him alive, and as cruel as it was the thought of leaving him here on the ship was tempting. He had been the one to turn his back to her. He had been the one that left her. He had been the one to cause her such pain. But seeing him so… vulnerable, brought back so many memories that she thought she had buried deep within her mind.
Memories of the two of them together when they had snuck away from the Academy to train. Memories of the two of them staring up at the cloudless skies of Dantooine. She had stared into his face one time when he was meditating, she just happened to be leaning against his firm chest and she saw the look of utter peacefulness. This was rare as she always saw him annoyed at one thing or another. Yet there were other times when they were training, the proud look in his eyes and the slight smile to his lips that would appear whenever she had accomplished something. The feelings that welled up in her chest as he praised her hard work.
It was these memories that caused her to remove the metal pieces in his back. It was these memories which caused her to draw on the Force and heal his wounds. And when the Force no longer answered her call as easily, she drew on her own life force to help heal him. She found that small flicker of flame that represented his life and surrounded it with her own, nurturing it and giving it warmth like a mother to her child. Her breathing was ragged and she found it hard to make it to an escape pod as she continued to use her life force to keep him alive. But she was determined. She wouldn't lose him… she couldn't lose him. Not only because the Jedi Council order her to capture him. No… she couldn't let her emotions get the better of her. As her Jedi masters told her… love will only lead you to the Dark Side.
She vaguely noticed that she made it to the escape pod… she was even more vaguely aware that it had launched and she idly noticed her prayer that one of the Republic ships found them… Force only knew what would become of her if the Sith captured her. Yet another deeper and darker part of her knew that Revan, vulnerable as he was, would be the first killed. She briefly wondered why she cared so much about him… only to cringe in pain as long forgotten emotions welled up inside of her heart.
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She had begged them not to do it. She had pleaded and pleaded with them but they would not listen. Why? Why did his memories have to be replaced? Why did they see that as the only means of winning the war against Malek and the Sith? Wasn't there anything else that they could do? She tried to convince herself that the Jedi Council was right. She tried to tell herself that she should follow their orders and their wishes. She tried to tell her heart that the man she knew… the man she had fallen in love with, was dead. She told herself that she stopped loving him when he abandoned her on the plains of Dantooine. She told herself that she didn't care what the Jedi Council did to him. So why had she argued with them?!
How could she still care for him after what he had done to her?! It was his rejection that had iced her heart. It was his action that day that caused her to throw herself into her Jedi training. It was his discarding that caused her to believe the man she loved was no more. It was the feeling of a lightsaber had been stabbing her chest, that caused her to cry into her pillow at night. She didn't care for him! So then why had she argued for him?! Why had she tried to convince the masters to spare him?! Why did she care when she convinced herself she didn't?! It couldn't be just because they were Jedi and Jedi didn't kill their prisoners. But were they really killing him? Did locking his memories deep within his damaged mind and replacing them with false ones mean they were killing who he was?!
But wasn't it safer this way? Could they risk the chance of Revan turning on them again if they retuned him to full heath? She knew Revan enough to know that he wouldn't join them unless he saw a way to profit from it. Or was it the simple fact that if Revan's memories were erased, then she would never find out what made him turn to the Dark Side. She had to know what it was. She knew it was selfish and she knew it went against her Jedi beliefs but she had to know. She had to know why he abandoned her. And now… now she feared that she would never find out. She could see the memories that the Council were placing inside Revan's head. She didn't know how she could see them… all she knew was that she could. And it felt like a blade was being driven into her heart.
But the false memories weren't the only things that she could see. She also saw all the memories that the Council were locking deep within Revan's mind. She could see all of the times that she had spent with him and Alek and Kaidra. She could feel his emotions throughout those memories. She could feel all of his feelings for her… she could feel the longing to be by her side. She could feel his deep concern for her safety. And she knew… she knew what he had felt when he left her on the plains of Dantooine. She could feel the lone tear fall down his face as if it was her own. Or… was she crying now? Were those tears falling down her face as she buried her head within her pillow? Were all of her emotions spilling forth? Was her heart splitting in two as each of those memories were locked away from his mind?
She tried, desperately, to block out her emotion… to ignore what it was that she was feeling… to remember what she learned in her Jedi studies. But nothing worked. No barrier she created could keep her emotions in check and none could block out the memories that she was seeing. She didn't know how long it was until it stopped and even then she continued to cry. Tears still spilled forth even when she knew that the Jedi Council was done. She didn't answer when a messenger came to inform her that the Council wanted to see her. She knew what it was that they wanted. She knew that they would want her to watch over the 'new' Revan and it sickened her to her core.
Deep in her heart she found herself hating the Jedi Council and what they had done to Revan. She hated the fact that they were willing to erase everything that he was in order to defeat Malek. Didn't that make them just as bad as the Sith? Didn't this go against everything that the Jedi believed in? Or did the Council truly believe that this was the only way that they could stop Malek and save the Republic? But… there had to be another way. There had to be something else that they could do. She didn't know what it was but she did know that using Revan like this was wrong. She knew that the Council lied to her. She knew that Revan wasn't beyond saving. She knew that Revan hadn't 'fallen' to the Dark Side. Yet at the same time she wanted to believe them. She wanted to believe that her training was right and that it was her duty to serve the Council.
It was this thought that brought her Jedi training to the forefront. It was this that caused her to stop questioning herself and the orders of the Jedi Council. It was the lesson that emotions cloud your mind and will only lead you to the Dark Side that ended her bitterness. It was the promise she made to herself to be the best Jedi that she could be, that stopped any more feelings from overwhelming her. But she knew it hadn't been stopped… she could still feel it, slowly eating at her heart. She could feel her barriers slowly being torn down. But she reinforced those barriers and forced her emotions down down. She forced them down until there was no feeling at all. Her tears stopped and her mind cleared as she picked herself off her bed.
She found him in the med-bay, no longer in the dark Sith Robes that he had worn. Now he was wearing black Mandalorian battle armor, the helmet resting beside him on the bed. Even as she stared into his eyes, she saw brief flashes of when those very same eyes were filled with nothing but pride. She could almost feel his arms around her shoulders as images of the two of them together under the starry sky of Dantooine. She could almost taste his lips upon hers as she remembered the one and only time they had kissed and her heart nearly twisted in pain. Only one thought kept her from falling to her knees and crying once more.
"This wasn't Revan." It echoed inside her brain and even then it didn't seem to help. It didn't help to get her emotions under control. It only felt like another blade had been driven into her heart. It only felt like her heart had been ripped out of her chest. Only one other thought echoed through her mind… "This isn't the man that I fell in love with… anymore."
Well, that's where I'll end this chapter. I konw, been awhile since I've worked on it, but I was working on other things. Any way, my original plan was to go between Revan's and Bastila's point of view, to show what it might have been liked to have one's memories replaced... didn't work out. Instead I went with showing Bastila's struggle with her emotions with those of the Jedi belief, which I think I pulled off.
I think there's going to be one more chapter. When that chapter is going to be set... I have no idea so we'll see how that works out. Well, please review and tell me what you think.
