Author's note: ("JOURNEY'S END" SPOILERS!!) This story picks up during "Journey's End" after the Doctor and Donna deliver Rose and the others back to the parallel universe, along with the new human Doctor. I wanted to explore what the characters were thinking as the events at Bad Wolf Bay unfolded so I could get inside their heads better. There's much more to this story than a recap of Journey's End; just keep reading. ;) Chapter 1 of ??.


The Man I Am Now

Rose looked around in confusion and suddenly realized where they were. "Back home"? But this wasn't home. Home for her was with the Doctor. Why would he bring her back here if the walls of the dimension were closing? She'd be trapped again...

"I spent all that time trying to find you, I'm not going back now!" Rose stared at the Doctor incredulously. What was he thinking? How could he just leave her, after how hard she fought to get to him? When he first saw her in the other dimension, he had run to her! He seemed so happy she'd come back…

"But you've got to. Because we saved the universe, but at a cost. And the cost is him." The Doctor gave his double a cold look. "He destroyed the Daleks; he committed genocide. He's too dangerous to be left on his own."

His double glared back at him. "You made me!"

"Exactly. You were born in battle, full of blood and anger and revenge." The Doctor turned his gaze to Rose, and his voice softened. "Remind you of someone?"

She looked away. She could see where this was going, and she couldn't take it. She wouldn't.

"That's me, when we first met." There was tenderness in his voice, and Rose couldn't help but look up at him. "And you made me better. Now you can do the same for him."

She glared stubbornly. "But he's not you."

"He needs you." His face looked pained. "That's very me."

Donna suddenly broke in.

"But it's better than that, though. Don't you see what he's trying to give you? Tell her, go on."

Realizing who Donna was talking to, Rose turned warily to face the other Doctor.

He saw the mistrust on Rose's face as she looked at him. It stung, but he couldn't blame her. As far as she was concerned, the other him was the only him. He knew exactly what his original self was up to; he'd known since his other self had announced where they were going, and he would leap at the chance he was being given without a second thought—if it weren't for that look on Rose's face.

Still, he had to try.

"I look like him, I think like him. Same thoughts, same memories, same everything. Except I've only got one heart."

Rose's heart skipped a beat. "Which means?"

"I'm part human. Specifically, the aging part. I'll grow old and never regenerate. I've only got one life, Rose Tyler." He paused. "I could spend it with you...if you want."

She looked stunned. "You'll g-grow old at the same time as me?"

He almost smiled, daring to hope. "Together."

He practically held his breath as she took a step toward him and placed a hand over his single heart. She stared at him as if she were looking for something. Her expression was unreadable. He had no idea what she was thinking, and it was the most terrifying feeling in the world.

The Doctor watched the two of them and smiled despite himself. He could almost feel what his double must be feeling at that moment. Being one step removed from that terror turned it into excitement. He could see a little of the tension easing from Rose's shoulders as she placed her hand on his double's chest, and he knew that he was doing the best thing for her. If she would just let herself, she would be happy with him.

Having her happy would be enough.

Suddenly the TARDIS whirred behind him, and he and Donna looked back in unison. Time was running out.

"We've got to go. This reality's sealing itself off—forever."

"But, it...it's still not right!" Rose ran after him, tears staining her cheeks. Please. You can't. "Because…the Doctor's…still you."

"And I'm him." His look was firm as he nodded toward his double.

"All right. Both of you, answer me this," Rose demanded. The other Doctor stepped forward to face his mirror image. Even their solemn expressions were identical.

"When I last stood on this beach on the worst day of my life, what was the last thing you said to me?" Rose looked at the Doctor expectantly, but he was silent. "Go on, say it!"

He swallowed thickly. "I said 'Rose Tyler.'"

But…there was more. Wasn't there? "Yeah, and how was that sentence going to end?" Please…

The Doctor paused. "Does it need saying?"

The hurt in her eyes was almost more than he could bear. She turned quickly to his double.

"And you, Doctor? What was the end of that sentence?"

The Doctor watched his double reach for Rose before she had even finished the question. Yes, go on…tell her.

The new Doctor gently touched Rose's arm and leaned in close to her ear. His heart was in his throat. Let me be good enough…

"…I love you."

The Doctor couldn't hear the words, but he felt them as if he were speaking them with his own lips. He'd given up his chance to, now.

Time seemed to freeze for a moment when Rose heard her Doctor's voice saying those words. And when she looked into his eyes, they were his eyes. Her Doctor's eyes, looking anxiously into hers. Waiting.

She grabbed him roughly by his lapels and pulled his lips to hers.

The new Doctor barely hesitated before throwing his arms around her and fiercely returning her kiss. His heart pounded harder than he'd ever felt one heart beat. Rose…my Rose…

Neither of them noticed the Doctor and Donna retreating until they heard the TARDIS's door snap shut. Rose gasped and whirled round. Unthinking, she broke away from her Doctor and ran after the one who was leaving her behind…had left her behind. She stopped in her tracks. The TARDIS was fading, and then it was gone. The Doctor was gone. He'd left her again. By choice this time. Without even a goodbye.

She felt a hand grasping hers and took it without thinking, her mind numb. Then she remembered whose hand it must be. She turned her head as he turned his to look at her. His eyes were just like her Doctor's, and they were looking at her with such worry and compassion. But he wasn't really her Doctor, no matter how much she might want to believe that. He just wasn't. Her Doctor had left her.

She suddenly felt like her younger self, on this same beach years before, heartbroken and hopeless. Except this time, there was no point in trying to find her way back to her Doctor, even if she could. He obviously didn't want her with him.

All at once the new Doctor's arms were around her, holding her gently, and she slumped against his chest with a sob. She was so tired. She worked so hard…she waited so long…she had been alone for so long, while the Doctor had been off in his bloody time machine picking up new women, having new adventures, never bothering to try to find a way back to her as she had done for him. What had he been doing all that time? If he loved her so much, why didn't he try to find her? She shoved against the Doctor's chest in a rush of frustration. Reluctantly, he let her go.

"Why did you leave me here?!" she yelled, her face soaked with tears. "What were you doing all that time that I was stuck here, trying to find my way back? Where were you?! If you love me, then where were you?!"

As furious as she was, she felt a stab of guilt when she saw that the Doctor was crying.

"I'm so sorry, Rose," he said softly, his voice choked. "I'm so, so sorry. I wanted to find you, but…I just didn't think it was possible. Not without tearing both our universes apart. I couldn't risk that, Rose, not even…" He closed his eyes for a moment. "Not even to be with you. It would have been selfish. I just…couldn't."

Rose shut her eyes tightly, fighting to control her emotions. She knew he was right…it would have been selfish. But…

"…How could you not even try?"

He stared at her with a strange mixture of regret and ferocity. "I would try now, Rose. The man I am now would try."

She stared back at him. Of course, he was a different man now. Not just because of the metacrisis; even the real Doctor must be a different man now than she remembered. It had been years since they'd been together, and she wasn't the same woman she had been then either. How would she know what was different because of time and what was because of his new body? Maybe it was better if she couldn't…

"Doctor..." She hesitated. It felt natural to call him that, but it felt strange too.

"Yes?" His heart seemed to beat an extra time each time she said his name. Each time, it gave him that much more hope that she could see him as himself, not as just an echo of someone she could never have.

"Before we go, I... I need some time to think, okay?" She wanted to reassure him, but she wasn't certain enough of anything yet to reassure anyone, not even herself. She needed to be alone for a while. Ironic, considering how long and hard she'd been fighting to stop being alone. But she couldn't think with the pressure of him boring holes in the back of her head with his eyes…him or her mum. She'd almost forgotten she was there. Glancing around, Rose saw that Jackie had wandered off a short distance, obviously watching and listening to everything that was going on but trying to appear unobtrusive. Maybe the new Doctor could go keep her company for a while. The thought made Rose smile.

The Doctor noticed her eyes brighten a little and couldn't help grinning stupidly at her. When she giggled in response, his heart soared. Impulsively, he pulled her into another hug. She tensed for a second, but then he felt her relax and bring her arms around him. He wished he could hold her forever.

"Take your time, Rose," he said quietly, his face pressed against her hair. "I'm not going anywhere without you."

She squeezed him a little tighter. "Promise?"

"I promise."