Disclaimer: I don't own it, but that much is obvious. SquareEnix, you have my undying respect. And the song Riku sings is called "Sympathy" by The Goo Goo Dolls. Awesomeness, they are.

Dedication: Ammy, who pwns at many things that I'm not even capable of halfway accomplishing. (OHEMGEE, LOOK, IT'S BAAAACK!)

Summary: Riku wants nothing more than to remember Sora forever. So, it should be perfectly fine to use Roxas, who is (and isn't) a copy of Sora.

Pairings: RikuRoxas, TidusSelphie.


Chapter Three: Sinner

Well, he was just hanging around

Then he fell in love, and he didn't know how

But he couldn't get out

Just hanging around, and he fell in love

-Panic! At the Disco, "When the Day Met the Night"

The change was startling to the point where it caused one to blink and exclaim, "Sorry, come again?" Axel, Demyx, and Tidus had become accustomed to seeing Riku dragging himself throughout classes and rehearsals, the same, blank expression pasted on his face. Tidus had tried getting him back into athletic activities, Demyx had tried his weird, off-center jokes, and Axel had used his own, crappy-best friend-type logic, and none of it had worked.

"And then," Tidus says irritably, slapping a drumstick on his thigh, "that little shrimp comes in, and Riku's all smiles. Am I the only one who doesn't understand this?"

Selphie rolls her eyes, tugging on her boyfriend's long hair. "Honey, you don't even understand basic math. How do you expect to understand true love?"

"It's true," admits Demyx, rummaging in his satchel for his bass's pick. "I mean, it's kind of…strange, yanno? But I'm okay if Ri's okay with it. He looks happy. Not like a depressed emo zombie."

Axel lets out a curling puff of smoke and tapsthe ash out onto Tidus's sneakers. The blonde makes a face and moves his sneakers away, muttering something like "You big nasty, go smoke somewhere else."

"It's better than nothing." The band's vocalist says breezily. "His negative energy was screwing with our playing."

There's a small silence, only interrupted by Selphie's murmur of "Gosh, Axel, you're a one-of-a-kind bastard, aren't you?"

And the redhead just sits back and grins, curling out pollution from between white teeth. It's his nature to seem contrary, but he couldn't be happier. It's a chance for a happy ending, and doesn't everyone love those?


"I wish for things that I don't need, and what I chase won't set me free…And I get scared, but I'm not crawling on my knees..."

Just like old times; Riku sorting out the melody while Axel sat across from him, legs looped over the amplifiers as he cocks his head to the side, listening intently. Then, slowly, he nods.

"Love songs?" Axel asks his friend, watching him closely. After Sora's death, Riku had (calmly, icily, flatly) told him that he refused to sing or write love songs anymore. "It's such a waste of time." The then-Riku had said. "It's stupid, and dammit, I just don't care anymore. Love doesn't exist." Axel and the rest had let it go, instead resuming the happy-time pop songs that everyone liked to dance to, or the pointless nonsense songs that made you giggle. Perhaps that was why the popularity rate had gone down a bit…the jump-and-shout songs didn't have the right impact with three sunshiney-faced boy and their pretty-boy guitarist, who looked as if he wanted to drown himself in the crowd surfers.

Now, Riku's smiling broadly as he jots down notes on a spare receipt, adding small reminders for Axel's intonation to direct itself upwards.

"Lunch time!" Tidus yowls, springing up and sticking his drumsticks in his back pockets. "It's effin' lunch time, okay? I'm hungry!"

"Tidy-Whitey," sings Demyx, plucking at his bass. "You giant, bottomless pit—OW, JESUS!"

The blonde bassist rubs at his tender scalp, his face wrought into a scowl as he shakes his fist threateningly at Tidus. The drummer is laughing at the result of sweet revenge; Selphie's smirking into her hand, and Riku (thank you, God) is giggling like a prepubescent girl whacked out on pixie sticks, and damn if Axel doesn't feel like he might cry.

Thankfully, he doesn't, as they all stop to hear the sound of the door being kicked open, followed by an irritated voice calling, "Riku? Are you down there?"

The short blonde makes his way carefully down the stairs, staggering ever so slightly under the weight of the packages. The aroma of chicken teriyaki slaps the band full in the face, and Roxas is all but tackled down to the ground in the pursuit of MSG-coated poultry.

"You're an angel, man." Tidus breathes, shoveling rice into his mouth. Selphie tut-tuts, swiping at his face with a spare napkin. "I mean, seriously. I thought I was gonna have to eat Axel if he made us continuing practice. And Demyx was fuckin' useless—no snacks or anything—and Riku, I mean, I know you guys are going out and all, but he's perennially broke!"

Roxas smiles, settling his perch on Riku's lap. "It's the result of a disease, so I supposed it can't be helped."

Demyx raises an eyebrow in bemusement. "What illness would that be?"

"Spending-too-much-money-on-hair-products-itis."

The group bursts into laughter, and Axel watches them intently. There's Tidus, with his loud laugh, Demyx and Selphie, with their giggles that almost hit the same pitch in a way that's simply frightening. There's Roxas and his awkward, distinctive laugh that causes everyone else to continue, simply because it sounds amusing.

And then there's Riku.

His low, bass chuckle is vibrating into the skin of the blonde's neck as he wraps his arms around his waist, holding him firm. They mold together perfectly; Roxas's small, compact form sliding easily with the contours of Riku's muscles. There's little to no space between them, and it looks as if there isn't, there can't be, it just isn't fathomable.

It's as if Sora was never there in the first place.

"Hey, Ri," interjects Demyx through a mouthful of vegetables. "Um, the sixteenth is coming up soon. And it's, um, August already. Whoo boy, time goes fast, doesn't it?"

"The point, Dem. Get to it." Tidus says, gesturing with his chopsticks. "Some time before we turn fifty would be nice."

Demyx blushes, strums a decidedly sour note, and clasps it to his chest. "Well, um, okay, um, you see, I was just wondering—I mean, it's not like you have to; it was just a thought—"

"Spit it out." commanded Axel, waving his hand impatiently at the bassist.

The blonde's face contorted, squished itself out, and contorted again, complete with an anxious blush. "Are you going to visit Sora's grave or what?"

Quietly, calmly, icily, Riku stood up and walked out of the room. His own face unreadable, Roxas jogged after him, tossing his trash towards the rubbish bin as he went.

Selphie stares. "Did you eat a large bowl of stupid for breakfast today? God, Demyx, don't ask something like that!"

"I was just wondering!" squeals the blonde, lifting his arms up in a futile attempt to keep Selphie's annoyed blows from making an impact.

"Why the hell are you trying to ruin their happiness?"

"I'm not, I just-"

"It was kinda stupid." Tidus admits. "And by 'kinda', I mean 'extremely so'."

"It was just, I mean-SHIT, guys, don't pretend you didn't see it too!" Demyx explodes, leaping up. He stands up so suddenly that Selphie almost falls over, and his face is so agitated and so un-Demyx like that it's scary. "I'm glad that Riku's found someone, okay? I'm glad. And I'm not saying that he should go remembering Sora the whole time, but I'm just saying that—he should come to terms with the death and be able to have a healthy relationship at the same time! He can't just forget about Sora—I wasn't dating him and crap, I sure as heck can't forget the kid! "

"It's problematic, yanno?" Axel mutters, puffing silently on his cigarette. He makes a face and stubs it out, crushing it beneath his sneaker. "It's a sick kind of love triangle. Riku, Sora, and Roxas."

Selphie sniffs. "Well, I thought they looked fine together."

"You," Axel informs her with a smile, "don't know shit. You don't know anything about Riku, or Roxas for that matter. So I think it'd be better if you just didn't say anything, mm-kay?"

Selphie lets out a little gasp that's half hurt, half shame, and perhaps just a little bit sheepish before flouncing out the door, Tidus in tow. And then it's just Demyx and Axel, blowing streams of smoke up at the air vent and shuffling sneakers together.

"I don't want him to forget either." Axel says suddenly, blinking hard. "I don't. Roxas is awesome, and Riku needs him, but he can't just forget the kid. It's like running away, yanno? He just needs to cope with it, and…"

"And?" says Demyx curiously.

"And…" the redhead says slowly, "he needs to stop treating Roxas like some damned teddy bear. Like a human wall. It's stupid, it's horrible, and it's just wrong and it's just so-"

Demyx blinks, fiddles with his bass, and awkwardly pats Axel's knee. "You okay, man?"

Axel shrugs away, stabs out his cigarette, and pops in another one. He stands, tugging the wrinkles out of his shirt. "Nothing. Sorry."

Pathetic. It's just so pathetic.

"Lock the door when you leave, Dem. 'Kay?"

Face your fears, Riku. Look your dead-Sora-bad-dreams-guilt-I-don't-know-what in the face. Don't be a coward.

" 'Kay. You're sure you're…well, aren't you? Or maybe not?"

The good thing about Demyx is that at times, he's so freaking awkward that you can just sort of ignore him as he trips all over himself. By that time, he's embarrassed enough and will treat you to a silent thank you if you just leave it at that.

"I'm okay. I'm going to go find Selphie and Tidus. Maybe apologize. Probably won't."

--

--

--

That night, Axel dials the number for Riku's mobile, the number for Roxas's apartment, Roxas's cell phone, and gets voicemail.

Sixty. Five. Times.

"This is Roxas. Leave a message, and I'll call you back. Maybe."

"HEY, WHAT'S UP? Ha, bet you thought I picked up the phone! I'm either sleeping or playing with my guitar, so leave a message with your name and number, and I'll get back to you ASAP."

"Hello, you've reached Roxas and Riku's apartments, and—Riku, stop that! You're making me lose my focus!—and we're currently unable to answer the phone. Please leave your name and—crud, Riku, get your tongue out of my ear. You think I won't cut you off? Yeah? Try me, you creep. What? Oh, now it's on. (crashing noise) Sorry, leave your name and number and we'll get back to you soon enough."

Axel sighs, lets the phone crash onto the hardwood floor.

"Are you going to visit Sora's grave or what?"

The dead look in Riku's eyes. Flat, aqua eyes. Pale face. The same expression he'd woken up with and gone to sleep with every day after Sora's death. The look that was so purely closed off.

Like he was dead already.

…Until he met Roxas, that is.

"…This sucks." he breathes into his umpteenth cancer stick, tapping out ash on the floor. He can almost hear Sora reciting facts about ways to get lung cancer.

I'm counting on you, Roxas. Don't let him run away.


"Are you sad?"

Small hands rubbing in a soothing pattern on his back as he stares at the ceiling. Riku doesn't blink, Riku doesn't move, Riku doesn't do anything. He just remains, still and immobile, on the futon, eyes directed up at the cracks in the ceiling.

"Don't be like this, Ri."

Be like what? Riku wants to ask. Be like WHAT, Roxas? If he could, he'd turn himself into anything the boy wanted, anything at all. "You wanna dog balloon, kid? A lion? A, a, a freakin' platypus?" Anything, everything, something, nothing. If he'd just ask, Riku could be anything, anything at all.

Lips ghosting across his cheek, and for once, Roxas isn't muttering as to why the futon had to be dragged out in the middle of the living room, or trying to get Riku to stuff it into its proper place (in the closet, along with the other summer futons and the beach towels). The blonde lay still, except for the light massaging of Riku's shoulder blades, and the whispering of his spring-sweet voice tickling the silver-haired boy's neck.

"Sorry."

Riku rolls over, nearly flattening Roxas in the process, but somehow managing to ease himself up on his elbows. He buries his face into the curve of the lemon-haired boy's neck, fully collapsing on top of him.

"Look, Riku! It's a card house!"

"And it's going to fall down any second."

"Gee whiz, Ri-ku, pessimist much? It's a-okay."

"…You said 'gee whiz', didn't you?"

"Shut up. Ah, look, it fell down. Crap."

"Told you so. Hate to say 'I told you so', Sora, but...I told you so."

"Well, it could've stayed up. Like, if I'd just put it like so…"

If you put it like that, does it stay up? Does it stay like it should, like it actually has a chance?

Or does it just close in on itself, like you knew it would?

"My head hurts." he moans into Roxas's skin. "But I don't want any pills…"

He's starting to feel an awful lot like Humpty-Dumpty. "All the king's horses and all the king's men…" The weird, half-scared, half-relieved feeling that you get when you're about to fall over. Scared because it's going to hurt and you can't stop it, and relieved because it'll (possibly, hopefully) just be all over in a second. You can fall down and get shattered and cry, but at least you have the feeling of, "Well, it's over now, at least. At least I've got that." That, and the aching feeling in your body signaling that you, you, are alive. You will hurt, you will bleed, you will ache.

You will rise, you will heal. You will survive. You will get through this.

"I ask for things that I don't need…"

What do I want? What do I need? Is it Roxas, or is it Sora? Is the band, is to actually show up for class for once, is it strangersdangersanything?

I need Sora. But I can't.

I want Roxas. But I shouldn't.

"And what I chase won't set me free…"

Roxas. Roxas smiling, Roxas frowning, Roxas shaking his head at Riku's attempts to serenade him, make him giggle when he wanted to be angry. RoxasRoxasRoxas. Darling, sweetheart, life preserver, Roxas.

Sora. Sora…singing? Did he sing? Could he? Yes. No. Wait. I don't remember. I don't…Sora…Sora…What did he do? What did his voice sound like?

"Riku, are you crying?"

I can't believe I forgot.

"What's wrong?"

'You deserve this,' his mind jeers at him. 'Greed is a sin, is it not? Gluttony, Lying. Lust. You got drunk on Roxas, and so you forgot Sora, hmm? You'd rather have Sora's dead body than Roxas's live one. You're one twisted person, Riku. Twisted, twisted, twisted…'

"I'm not, I'm just--I'm fine." Riku amends, letting trickles of tears sink into the futon beneath Roxas's shoulders. "It's fine. Nothing's wrong. I'm just kinda tired."

The younger boy sighs, and he wouldn't accept such an obvious lie if he didn't know that he wouldn't get anything else. "Alright."

'Disgusting', giggles his subconscious. 'Slovenly. You'll just take anyone, won't you? Greedy little bugger. So like a child, Riku. You'll just drown anyone who looks at you halfway-decently. Drown them and expect them to be okay with it.'

Riku presses his face flat against the cottony material of the futon, his chest against Roxas's, and his eyes blinking rapidly. "Yeah. Everything's okay."

Roxas tugs him closer, and Riku almost bawls right there and then—and maybe he would've, if his teeth weren't about to gnaw through his bottom lip. And maybe if he wasn't so intent on lying to his…boyfriend? Replacement? Sora-copy? Oh, god. Don't think that. Whatever. Roxas-thing. That'll do.

It's at times like these that Riku wishes that he was better at lying to himself.


Author's Note: /staggered breathing/ Lordy. I had to re-write this chapter, 'cause the original one? Yeah, it sucked. And I'm re-writing the last two chapters as well...you guys get the re-vamped ones. Aren't you all just so lucky. (I'm so not going to make it out alive with this series...) Anyways, I have a small treat for all of you. As I usually write to music, I was thinking, "Hey! It'd be cool if there was a soundtrack for this!" And so my pain of creating a soundtrack of (niiiiiice) music for Euthanasia. I have soundtracks for my other series as well, and I'm trying reaaallly hard to pick songs that both fit and aren't extremely obscure. I bet you've all heard these songs on the radio, anyways. Here it is:

Euthanasia, The Playlist:

(Start) Theme: Dark Blue (Jack's Mannequin)

(End) Theme: False Pretense (Red Jumpsuit Apparatus)

Riku: Skeptics and True Believers (The Academy Is...)

Roxas: Trouble Sleeping (Corinne Bailey Rae)

Axel: Boys and Girls (Kill Hannah)/ Oxford Comma (Vampire Weekend)

Demyx: Spinnin' Around (Jump 5)

Riku/Sora: Pas De Cheval (Panic! At the Disco)/ Kelsey (Metro Station)

Riku/Roxas: When the Day Met the Night (Panic! At the Disco)/ Sympathy (The Goo Goo Dolls)/ Time After Time (Cyndi Lauper)

Tidus/Selphie: Every Morning (Sugar Ray)/ Summer Girls (LFO)

Tell me it's lovely, tell me it's horrible, tell me it made you want to scream curses in Ethiopian and shake your fist at the sky and say, "WHY, GOD, WHY? WHY IS THERE SUCH A THING AS TOTALLY CRAP FANFICTION?" Some sort of reaction. 'Cause that review button's just ever so attractive looking, isn' it? Sexy little button right there, mm-hmm...Alright, I'm stopping. S'later, kiddies.