Runescape and the Holy Grail
Chapter 5: Witch Village
Meanwhile, at Remmington, a dastardly plot was taking place!
Several dozen raggedly dressed villagers ran thruought Remmington Village, screaming out, "A witch! A witch!" At last they stopped before the town magistrate, one Mr. Bedivere, who had till that moment been standing near the town well performing an experiment involving coconuts and swallows.
"We've found a witch! May we burn her!" one of the villagers declared, hitting his pitchfork upon the ground to get the magistrate's attention.
Bedivere released his swallow, who fell from the weight of the coconut was tied to. Sighing in disappointment, he turned to the villagers and said, "Bring her forward."
The villagers pushed an elderly woman in dark green robes to the front. A badly-made, too-small robe of black material had been put on over the top of her regular robes, and tied over her nose was a long, hollowed-out carrot. On top of her head, a triangular strainer had also been placed.
"I'm not a witch! I'm not a witch!" the old woman objected.
"But you are dressed as one," the handlebar mustache-wearing Bedivere replied matter-of-factly.
"They dressed me up like this," the old woman answered, gesturing towards the villagers who were accusing her.
Immediately, the villagers began to object loudly.
"And this isn't my nose," the woman continued, pointing at the carrot that had been stuck to her face, "It's a false one!"
Bedivere carefully examined the indicated carrot, pulled it back carefully to see the woman's own rather large nose stuck underneath, then looked up and glared grumpily at the other villagers.
"Did you dress her up like this?" demanded Bedivere.
"No, no!" the villagers answered, then reconsidered and changed their answer to "A bit."
"We did do the nose," the first villager admitted.
"The nose?" Bedivere replied skeptically.
"And the hat," conceded the villager. "But she is a witch!"
"She turned me into a newt!" another villager declared.
"A newt?"
"I got better," the second villager explained lamely.
"Burn her anyway!" the first villager declared.
"Yeah! Burn! Burn!" the other villagers called out in unison.
At this point, King Arthur and Patsy rode into town. Curious, the King of the Britons stopped and observed the scene, eager to see how things would be handled.
"Quiet! Quiet!" Bedivere demanded.
After a few moments, the crowd simmered down enough to let their magistrate speak.
"There are ways of telling if she is a witch," Bedivere explained.
"Are there?" the first villager asked.
"Tell us! Tell us!" the villagers demanded.
"What, aside from witches, burns?" asked Bedivere.
"More witches!" the first villager shouted, only to be hit unexpectedly by one of his companions.
"Wood!" this third villager said.
"Exactly!" Bedivere replied, happy to have found someone with at least half a brain.
"Now," he continued, "Why do witches burn?"
The villagers stood in complete silence, not at all sure how to answer the odd question.
After minutes, the second villager spoke and guessed hesitantly, "Because they're made of… wood?"
"Good!" Bedivere replied, pleased by the ease with which he was able to manipulate them. He gave the villagers a moment to congratulate and praise their friend before carrying on.
"Now, how do we find out if she is made of wood?"
"Build a bridge out of her!" the first villager answered enthusiastically.
"Ah, but can bridges not also be built out of stone?"
"Oh, yeah…," the crestfallen villager replied.
Several minutes passed with no one saying anything.
Bedivere sighed, then asked, "Does wood sink in water?"
"Nope! Nope!" the first villager shook his head.
"It floats!" the third villager declared.
"Throw her into the pond!" the first villager yelled.
All of the villagers cheered and rushed forward to grab the old woman, whose name wasHetty.
"Wait! Wait!" Bedivere commanded, somehow getting the villager's attention again. "What else floats in water?"
The villagers thought for a moment, then began throwing out random answers.
"Apples!" "Cider!" "Postie Pete!" "Great gravy!" "Very small rocks!" "Goblins!" "Churches!" Noobs!" "Varrock Palace!" "Lead, lead!"
"A duck!" King Arthur suddenly declared, causing everyone to turn towards him in surprise.
"Exactly!" Bedivere declared and continued on, despite his curiosity of the stranger's identity. "So, logically…?"
"If…she…," the first villager began, thinking it out a word at a time (with some encouraging hand gestures from Bedivere), "Weighs…the same…as a duck…then she's made of wood."
"And therefore?"
The villagers paused for a moment.
"A witch!" the third villager declared.
"A witch!" the first echoed.
"A witch!" all of the villagers cheered.
"We shall use my largest scales!" said Bedivere, leading the villagers and their expected victim to the quarry just north of the village.
The "scales" turned out to be nothing more than an oversized shovel balanced on top of an iron rock.
With a sigh, Hetty stepped onto the shovel's scoop, weighing it down.
The "duck" that was brought in by the villagers, however, turned out to be a baby blue dragon with a leash and collar, the latter being labeled as "Mr. Ducky."
'I hate my life,' the dragon thought.
Bedivere sighed in annoyance, but said nothing. Although the dragon was clearly not a duck, it would also clearly not weigh the same.
Somehow, the villagers got the dragon onto the handle end of the shovel, and and the entire shovel of course leaned down onto "Mr. Ducky's" end. Without anyone noticing, however, one villager suddenly forced a granite platebody into Hetty's hands, causing the scales to balance out.
The villagers' initial groan was instantly replaced with a cheer.
"A witch! A witch! Burn her! Burn her!'
"This is a fair court," Hetty sighed.
Before Bedivere could say or do anything, the villagers lead Hetty and "Mr. Ducky," away, and out into the woods. However, the villagers' cheers soon turned into screams, and a wildfire broke out, which swiftly spread out to consume the village. Out of the smoke and into the sunset flew Hetty, riding atop the blue dragon. The name "Mr. Ducky," upon the dragon's collar had scratched out and replaced with the name "Village Destroyer."
Once outside of the burning village, Bedivere approached Arthur and asked, "Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?"
"I am Arthur, King of the Britons!" Arthur declared.
"My liege!" Bedivere replied with awe as he got down onto one knee.
"I am on a quest to find the bravest knights in the land to join me at my court at Camelot!" Arthur announced, "Will you join me?"
"Oh, my liege! I would be honored!"
"What is your name, sir?" Arthur asked as he drew Excalibur.
"Bedivere, my liege!"
"Then I dub you Sir Bedivere!" Arthur declared, tapping the dark haired man before him on each shoulder with his sword, "Knight of the Round Table!"
And so Sir Bedivere became the first to join King Arthur and his court. But other illustrious names were soon to follow: Sir Lancelot, the Brave; Sir Galahad, the Pure; Sir Robin, the Not-Quite-As-Brave-As-Sir Lancelot- who had nearly fought the dragon Elvarg of Crandor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Evil Chicken, and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Edgeville- and the aptly named Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Story. Together they formed a band of knights whose brave deeds would be retold throughout the ages: The Knights of the Round Table!
((The Narrator was then tackled by a gorilla))
What? Who said that? *BAM!*
To Be Continued…
