Author's Note: This chapter and the next one I will be posting at the same time, as they are best enjoyed together. Please enjoy, and cookies for the first person to guess where in Runescape you can find a parody to this scene.

Chapter 8: The French Taunters

After receiving the divine proclamation by Saradomin, King Arthur and his knights set out at once in search of the Holy Grail. After months of false leads and aimless wanderings, the band of adventurers at last arrived in the Trollweis Mountains, where they were savagely attacked by the Sandwhich Lady, and were chased into the Wilderness. After another week of wandering, they at last came arrived at the northern gates of a great, walled fortress. Unbeknownst to the knights of Camelot, this fortress was in fact the city of Varrock.

Unfortunately, the guards stationed at this particular gate were- like Arthur, Patsy, Lancelot, and Galahad- also from the dimension inhabited by the planet Earth, and these extra-planar travelers were heavily biased against the English.

As the knights approached the gates, their servants pulled from their packs a number of brass horns, upon which they blew a triumphant fanfare.

"Hello!" Arthur yelled up to the walls once he and his men, and the fanfare had come to a stop. This was because the gates were closed, and no one could be seen outside or upon the walls.

After a moment had passed without reply, Arthur repeated his cry, but louder. "

"HELLO!!"

"Hello? Who iz it?" a guard dressed in black leather studded armor with a curly grey mustache and a very thick accented replied, peering up from over the wall.

"I am Arthur, King of the Britons!" Arthur replied, "Whose stronghold is this?"

Much to the king's relief, the guard- without any reference to his and his men's use of coconuts- replied, "Thiz iz ze city of Varrrock, ruled by my master: King Roald III!"

Sending a silent prayer of thanks to Saradomin, King Arthur continued, "Go and tell your master that my knights and I are on a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, then he may join us on our quest for the Holy Grail!"

"Okay, I'll azk him, but I don't zink he will be very keen," the guard replied, "He haz already got one, you see?"

"WHAT!?" King Arthur shouted back, confused.

"He said they've already got one," Sir Galahad confirmed.

"Are you sure?" the King called back to the guards.

"Oh, yes, itz very nice," the guard replied enthusiastically. He then turned towards his comrades who were hiding beneath behind the wall and said, "I zem we've already got one."

The group of guardsmen snickered quietly amongst themselves at this.

"Um, may we come up and have a look?" asked Arthur.

"Of course not!" the guard shouted back indignantly, "You are English-types!"

Confused, Arthur replied, "Well, what are you then?"

"I'm French! Why else do you zink I have zis outrageous accent, you silly king!"

"What are you doing in Runescape?" asked Sir Galahad.

"Mind your own business!" the rude French guard responded.

"If you will not show us the Grail, then we will take it by force!" Arthur threatened.

"You don't frighten us English pig-dogs!" the guard taunted, "Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you empty-headed animals! You dumb stinky noobies! I fart in your general direction, British noobs! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of winterberries!"

Once this tirade was complete, the guard blew a loud, long raspberry while banging his hands upon his helmet.

"What a strange person," Galahad remarked.

"Now look here-!" Arthur began.

"I don't wanna talk to you no more you no more, so-called Arthur King!" the Frenchman interrupted, "I blow my nose at you! You and all of your silly English knnnnnn-nnig-hits!"

"If you do not surrender the Grail voluntarily, then we shall…,"

As the King of England began to ramble off a list of threats, the French taunter turned towards one of his still-hidden companions and jabbered something at him in rapid French.

"Huh?" the other French guard asked.

"Fetch ze cow!" the taunter huffed.

"…And then we shall chop you up into tiny pieces-," the king continued to threaten, when suddenly he was interrupted by a loud BOING!

"Boing?" the angry and confused king asked, "What's boing? Is that some kind of new internet slang?"

"MOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!"

With a mighty POW!, Sir Galahad's servant was smashed by a falling cow, which had been launched over Varrock's walls via-catapult.

"Right," the king said, staring at the mangled servant and impact-killed cow. Then he turned back towards the gates, drew his sword and shouted, "CHARGE!"

The knights bravely assaulted the castle walls, brandishing their swords, looking threatening and making a general hullabaloo. However, they were unable to breach the walls. Meanwhile, the terrible Frenchmen began to rain down upon our heroes' heads volley-after-volley of cabbages, chickens, iron helms, bronze hatchets, spears, and imps dipped in kerosene and set aflame.

At last forced to call a regroup, King Arthur bravely shouted, "Run away!"

The cry was echoed by his knights as they fled away from the wall, and took cover in the Wilderness Ditch, while the Frenchmen laughed hysterically.

"Let me at them, sire! I'll tear them to pieces!" Sir Lancelot growled.

"Sir," Sir Bedivere said suddenly, his eyes lighting up with inspiration. "I have a plan."

To Be Continued…